Now that we have the track list, we need a thread for all the professional liars, oops insiders, who have listend to the whole thingy before everybody (of course).
There you go, it is your space for a complete fake review of Planet earth.

"Prince returns with best offering since 1987's Sign O' The Times!"

Well, you did ask for FAKE reviews didn't ya?

MartyMcFly said:

hahaha ! very true ! Columbia's rep has already said that Planet earth would be a "new musical milestone in a great fantastic career".

It seems I have heard that for Musicology and 3121 as well !

I JUST RECEIVED AN ADVANCED COPY!!! I SENT IN FOUR PROOFS OF PURCHASE FOR CAPTAIN CRUNCH AND THE JUST SENT IT TO ME!! IT'S AWESOME!!!

Here's a tracklist run-down:

1. Planet Earth - Album Version
The album starts off this 20 minute rocker that features 27 different languages and over 50 musical instruments from around the world. The song needs more cowbell but overall a classic in the vein of "Crystal Ball" and "Ripopgodazippa".

2. Guitar - Album Version
Awesome song but if you play it backwards, the track goes something like "Sprint sucks...buy Verizon...Alltel is the Devil."

3. Somewhere Here On Earth - Album Version
Syrupy love ballad with Sheena Easton. Will be the Prom Song of choice in 08!

4. The One U Wanna C - Album Version
Funky. Features Brown Mark on bass and Andre Cymone on guitar. Back-up vocals by the Modernaires!


5. Future Baby Mama - Album Version
You want the recipe for a great song? TC Ellis, Scrap D, and TONY M(!!!). all contribute to this 10 minute hip hop laced extravaganza.


6. Mr. Goodnight - Album Version
A pop rock lullaby featuring the soothing sounds of Eric Leads and Atlanta Bliss.


7. All The Midnights In The World - Album Version
Hello Wendy! Greetings Lisa! Their fingerprints are all over this melodic track, a beautiful ode to time zones.

8. Chelsea Rodgers - Album Version
Um...yeah...I don't know who this Chelsea chick is but this song is slamming. It's "Horny Pony" mixed with "Raspberry Beret" with a little bit of "Annie Christian". Except it's better.


9. Lion Of Judah - Album Version
Written by Larry Graham. Damn it! Well every CD has got to have one clunker.


10. Revelation - Album Version
And what a revelation this is. Prince has a 17 minute long drum solo in this, only to be topped by a 20 minute long drum solo from Sheila E. You can literally go to the grocery store and come back and it's still playing. It's cool as hell. Radio programmers are already drooling.


Great album. Four stars. Best since "Purple Rain".

GottaLetitgo said:

GottaLetitgo said:

Bloody hell. You officially win the award of the funniest fake review ever !

Well, I was invited to the listening party at the McDonalds over the road from the Sony HQ in the Shetland Isles, Scotland. Here's my song-by-song review.

1. Planet Earth
Clocking in at 1:28 long, the title track sees Prince reciting those lyrics ,seen briefly at 3121.com, to the backing of 'Wedding Feast - instr', an out-take from TRC. Wendy and Lisa provide the silence.
Then, the sound of whale-song and dying giraffes segues us nicely into;
2. Guitar
8 minutes and 5 seconds of pure bliss for the fans. The single version plays out, then suddenly, the previously released download kicks in and plays through. Wendy and Lisa provide barely audible breathing noises from the mixing desk. Sounds of people masturbating segues into the next track.

3. Somewhere Here On Earth
Clues in the lyrics to a buried treasure hidden somewhere on the Planet. Rumour has it that it's a golden testicle. Wendy and Lisa provide the anagrams.

4. The One U Wanna C
A constant klaxon horn repeatedly plays in this 7 minute, monster jam. Candy Dulfer provides backing vocals in this tune which questions beliefs in the Lord, beliefs in the bedroom and defies belief in itself, as Wendy and Lisa provide the answers to the meaning of life in a 'Computer Blue' type robotic conversation.

5. Future Baby Mama
An out-take from the Rave B-Sides project, Wendy and Lisa sing lead vocal whilst Prince kicks a plastic yoghurt carton. Strings provided, as ever, by Clare Fischer who recorded them whilst under the influence of rohypnol. The strings eventually fade into more whale-song and the sound of crickets chirping, water rushing segue us nicely into;
6. Mr. Goodnight
A quirky, funk number about a noisey night in a hotel where Prince couldn't sleep and therefore, 'Missed A Good Night'. Wendy & Lisa provide more puns.

7. All The Midnights In The World
A harrowing commentary on life, similar in style to 'People Without' and 'Sign O The Times', this depressing rocker lasts for exactly 10 minutes and 84 seconds, which is significant for some reason or other. Wendy and Lisa provide the triangle and spoons.

8. Chelsea Rodgers
The natural sequel to 'Lolita'. This time around though, Prince decides that he WILL take her up on her offer with the cheeky lyrics; 'Chelsea Rodgers, I'm gonna get my todger and ram it up your bum whilst you suck off my mate'
A wonderful piece of bubblegum pop, co-written with Larry Graham and Joni Mitchell. Sounds of people dying in hospices segues nicely into;
9. Lion Of Judah
Another 'On The Couch', 'Satisfied' type whiney song. Lots of biblical references. Wendy and Lisa provide the refreshments.

10. Revelation
This epic rocker, much in the same vein as Gold and Purple Rain is instantly forgettable. Which is a shame, because it rocks on for 26 minutes, plus continuing on a separate sheet of A4 if necessary (supplied with the special edition). Wendy and Lisa will provide.

Haystack said:

Haystack said:

GottaLetitgo said:

Funny as fuck review, classic
[Edited 6/12/07 12:50pm]

Haystack said:

Here's a tracklist run-down:

1. Planet Earth - Album Version
A strange start to the album as this country and western track features the lyrics 'we can't save the planet, it's too far gone, I hate environmentalists, Larry get my gun'

2. Guitar - Album Version
We've all heard the single version but the album version goes on a minute longer and has an ending of Prince burping loudly, chuckling and saying 'I'd give that one 8 on 10'.

3. Somewhere Here On Earth - Album Version
Romantic ballad featuring backing vocals from Barry Manilow, Phil Collins, Mick Hucknall and Cliff Richard as they sing 'we sing for nothing, we sing for food, Prince won't speak to us, he's so rude'.

4. The One U Wanna C - Album Version
A happy hardcore remix of 'The One'. Ends with Prince apologising.


5. Future Baby Mama - Album Version
Prince's take on 'Future Sex Love Sounds' with lyrics 'Timberlake you're going down, I'll take your ass to China town. I'll break your nose you silly mouse, I'll burn your clothes and sell your house'.


6. Mr. Goodnight - Album Version
The remake theme continues as Prince gives his version of 'Goodnight Mr Chips', ends with Prince saying 'don't put too much salt on them, whoah, thanks'.


7. All The Midnights In The World - Album Version
A selection of clocks chiming midnight around the world. Wendy and Lisa fans will be delighted to know that they're on this track....coughing with embarrassment.

8. Chelsea Rodgers - Album Version
It's not about a person, it's a song about football with Prince finally reevealing which team he supports. The lyrics include 'Chelse you may have the money but Wigan Athletic will always be my honey'. Ends with the Wigan fans chanting 'you are my sunshine' as Prince does a cracking xylophone solo.


9. Lion Of Judah - Album Version
Prince combines religion with zoology and angrily shouts '20 zoos in a seven mile radius, beekeepers know what I'm talking about'.


10. Revelation - Album Version
A song about the end of the world and to make it more authentic what a load of noise this is. Prince bangs pots and pans together and screams 'cats and dogs, CATS AND DOGGGGGSSSSS'. Features Larry Graham doing a passable impersonation of the Swedish Chef off the Muppets.

Prince fans will say of the album 'not as good as he used to be' but will knock spots off the rest of tripe in the charts.
[Edited 6/13/07 4:01am]

HollywoodSt said:

You guys really have some talent.



'we sing for nothing, we sing for food, Prince won't speak to us, he's so rude'

HollywoodSt said:

GottaLetitgo said:

Interesting. So which track do Wendy and Lisa play on?

HollywoodSt said:

You guys crack me up!

HollywoodSt said:

oxygen.....i need oxygen. you guys are hilarious.

You guyz are awesome, keep 'em coming! I wish I were so creative!!

CandaceS said:

gotta agree. these fake reviews are HILARIOUS.

1. Planet Earth
Contains the chorus: God gave birth / to planet earth / there is worth / in a smurf
Rumours that the smurfs will be creating a Prince tribute album called Purple Smurf are now looking more likely.

2. Guitar
Similar to the Verizon download, but with added electric cowbell.

3. Somewhere Here On Earth
Ballad featuring Martika. Uses earth/smurf rhyme again.

4. The One U Wanna C
A reworking of The P. "How many ones do u wanna c?" Introduction has Miko's name instead of Tevin.

5. Future Baby Mama
Electrobillytechno - a new subgenre Prince created. Will hopefully be just a phase.

6. Mr. Goodnight
Wow. Mr Goodnight has left the building / Mr Goodnight says goodnight / Mr Goodnight is on his way home / Mr Goodnight meet Mr Goodmorning.
Seems to be a religious theme in this song - Mr Goodnight vs Mr Goodmorning.

7. All The Midnights In The World
A song where Prince laments having to wait three years to see the last finale of Lost. A coded message for him to be on the island. Wendy and Lisa sing about Heroes.

8. Chelsea Rodgers
Butchers the music from Moonbeam Levels to fit in with the rhyme: She looks so cool / she can rule / in my school / Chelsea Rodgers. Yeah, Prince, like that makes sense.

9. Lion Of Judah
Uses lion roars in the same way that Walk Don't Walk made great use of hornz. Doesn't get annoying at all.

10. Revelation
Mentions Jehovah every other lyric. Has a fantastic critique on torrenting and bootlegs: you can't mininova Jehovah. You can download the road... to hell. Co-written with Chris Rea.

You guys are insane...

JudasSmile said:

CandaceS said:

This has got to be the funniest shit ever on this site.

This is my favorite track!