I guess it would belong in here, since it's all about Prince. However, it's completely comical (I guess) and should not be taken seriously in any way. I've read it to many of my friends and they think I should actually send it to Prince (so not happening) but I think I should just post it up here. This thing is about fourteen pages long on pen and paper, and some parts of it are ridiculously not funny...but I thought I'd share anyway. This is something that I added onto whenever I was bored or thought of a new joke, and really...it's not serious at all and isn't meant to insult anyone (I did remove some parts about MJ, etc., though).

His Purpleness
3121 Alphabet St.
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mr. Nevermind, Camille,
Dear Mr. Coco, Mr. Nelson,
Dear ,
Dear Prince,

I think I've decided what to call you now.

Now, there are a few things I'd like to address. Firstly, I need to say that your coat in the video for "U Got the Look" closely resembled (a) a pimp's coat or (b) something intended for Sheena.

Also, I can use the cover of your album "Lovesexy" to ward off siblings. Which tells me that, despite common belief, the album is significant. Very. And the Black Album has a nice cover.

Why, in the video for "Gett Off," did the girl's dress magically reappear on her body (as a different dress) after you took it off? And how exactly do you do the splits in midair? I SO failed that one in gym class.

I found a list that went something like this and I wondered if it might be your shopping checklist.

_ Features purple
_ Might scare the public
_ Makes me look like a pimp
_ Could make even my fans say "What were u thinking?"
_ Optional: Looks like two different outfits, depending on how u look at it
_ Makes Sheena look good (not 2 hard)

It's my belief that you became a symbol because you weren't a woman, nor were you a man (despite the fact that, confusingly enough, you look JUST like one), as you stated in "I Would Die 4 U." I'm sure that you can, uh, confirm that.

Should you ever perform "1999" again, do you plan on updating the lyrics to 2999? Oh, and you absolutely must convince my brother that Corvettes, especially ones that are little and red, don't have a backseat.

Tell the person in control of your website that I apreciate their making the contents more accessible to those who haven't joined. Before, I would reach the site and have to either pay money to register or log in. Providing I'd already paid. Now, it's much better. I get a preview of a song and then I have to either register or um...log in.

I"d like to applaud you for looking a million and one times better in eye liner than the scary dudes in Green Day. I would also like to express my envy that you possess longer eyelashes than my own. Also, you can dance in four-inch heels, and I've yet to find out if I can even walk in them.

I'm curious to know exactly what "sha-boogie-bop" means, but details might scare me. So yeah, I just need the basic explanation.

For a long time I wondered why you loved that chick in the raspberry beret so much, since she wasn't too bright and all. But I recently thought of the fact that you might have just wanted her beret, since it was purple. But you never got it. Maybe she gave you that coat instead...

I've never figured out, however, why you decided to go to Alphabet St. Were you planning on meeting Big Bird? If so, I think you meant Sesame St.

I read somewhere that you prefer to keep your email address private. My reaction to that was: "But WHY??? All he'd get would be, say, maybe three trillion emails an hour!! His inbox wouldn't overflow too much! Puh-lease." Uh huh. I swear I, um, didn't make that thought process up.

I cannot hear the word "cream" in any form without getting you-know-what in my head. Speaking of cream, I think you should come out with a diet book titled "The 23 Position Diet." The sequel (which would surely be a bestseller) could be "The 53 Position Diet." This way, we could all continue to eat cream in many forms.

I must emphasize my gratitude that you made at least one semi-filthy song able to be listened to by children - "Little Red Corvette." The extensive metaphorical properties have made it possible for me to not have to lunge at the pause button when my littlest sister enters my room unexpectedly. I will be interested to hear the volume of her "EW" when she learns just what a Trojan is.

Your gender confusion, Camille, has created gender confusion within this very family. Yes, I speak of my very sane, un-crazy, normal family. While we're all sure of our own genders, creating a name for your gender has proven near impossible! We just can't agree on a name. I say we should just call it "Prince." Do I have your vote on that one? Good, thank you, I'll tally that down once for each of your names, male, female, or hermaphrodite. I just won the vote by about a trillion. "Ladies, gentlemen...Prince..." I can hear it now.

Once I learned the name "Camille" was from the French for "hermaphrodite," I immediately turned to a French dictionary. Not for proof. Just because I like to laugh. Sadly, it wasn't in there. I was shocked to learn "hermaphrodite" wasn't an everyday, basic word!!

Recently two of my siblings were introducted to the masterpiece "U Got the Look" (recently I was introduced to the full lyrics, too, but anyway). There are a lot of red faces around here now. Well, two. No, I haven't slapped them. Sometimes tempting, though. Their red faces aren't truly red; they just keep saying they are by reciting the lyrics Camille - I mean, uh, you sang. Said. Whatever.

The inside cover of "1999" (others have described it as the "nekkid butt pic," spelled exactly - a phrase I quickly adopted) is as good a sibling repellant as the cover of "Lovesexy." Perhaps better, because as I so bluntly told my brother, "You can see more. And if you don't leave me alone, I'll show it to you." Well, he left me alone. But I showed him anyway when I stole - I mean borrowed - the "Purple Rain" soundtrack from my mother. I had to show him. I can rarely control such "interesting" urges.

Every time I hear the line "Animals strike curious poses" in "When Doves Cry," I imagine a giraffe tilting it's head to the side slightly, as if doing an imitation of Angeline Jolie on nearly any given magazine cover.

I mentioned "U Got the Look" earlier, but what I didn't say was that the title can be used in many instances. A not-so-hot mood can be pointed out by a simple "Uh...U got the look." Well, if one should ever wish to point out to someone else their mood isn't great. For whatever reason.

My smallest sister is constantly pretending to get married -to all sorts of things, including air, cartoons, and stuffed animals. So, at first glance, I assumed "Let's Pretend We're Married" would be her theme song. Except not really. She'll be lucky if she can listen to the song when she IS married.

Your music is often so catchy that a single word can put a song in my head. For exampl, the other day the word "hilarious" inspred a freaky kind of parody of "Delirious."

Here's a list of products I believe you should make:
- Whipped cream: Why whipped? Don't make me get into that.
- Clothing line: So awesome. Two outfits in one, purple animal prints...
- Soap: For people who are just a bit TOO fonky.
- Calendar: Well, a 1999 one would have been nice.
- Stuffed animals: Striking curious poses. Don't make those poses too curious, though.
- Clouds: In purple. Where else is that purple rain gonna come from? Plus, I mean, novelty clouds.
- Dye: Only in purple. Because really, rocks, highs, bananas, and various other things don't naturally come in purple.

Also, there should be a Prince theme park. One could go down Alphabet St., which in a theme park might not be so bad. I guess. Or, as an alternative, one could go "crazy," which isn't difficult. And the park could be shaped like this (insert mental picture of stick figure doing the splits). In case you wondered, that's a stick depiction of you doing the splits. Anyway, the head would be the entrance, and the torso the main road, which leads to Alphabet St. and Crazy, located in the legs. The arms are for the restaurants and hotels. The restaurants could serve novelty foods such as purple bananas and raspberry souffles served in, uh, raspberry beret shaped bowls. Of course, the hotels would just be, well, hotels. No need to explain any more.

To have this kind of time on my hands is amazing - the kind of time it takes to even consider continuing this lengthy and extremely fake letter. At least, I'm pretty sure it's amazing, because I really don't have that kind of time. I'm in a time-deficit from all this. Not to mention soon I'll run out of ink and paper. Anyway.

I've realized that to acquire a sibling-repelling poster of the cover of "Lovesexy," I must go to Kinko's. Yeah, KINK-o's. I may have to have - *ahem* - permission to have such a copyrighted picture enlarged and made into a poster. Just in case, PLEASE! This is something my very life - all right, just my very sanity depends on! And should I want my siblings to go INsane, that depends on your permission to use this photo as well!! ((sob)) So please.

On the back of "The Hits 2," there's a picture of your back side (no, really) and you're holding a cane in front of you. Well, I've determined that my suspicions are correct, and you are not, in fact, a normal human being, if you are a human being at all. The middle of you is just a tad translucent in said picture. In other photos, I suppose your translucency was edited out. But in this photo, the true you is seen more...er...clearly.

Because of a comment my mother made earlier today, I'm considering having a cat or dog and naming it Prince. Don't think it's very original? Well, I'll have another animal of said two species, and it will be named Camille. And perhaps to be perverse I'll name the male Camille and the female Prince. I'd have to be certain they wouldn't mate, because eventually I WOULD run out of names.

I must have a (I speak of your former guy-girl-soapstone name) necklace like the chick in the "Black Sweat" video. My brother has dubbed the symbol "doing," which sounds a bit funny to me (I call it "Prince"). Anyway, I need one desperately.

My mom has a lipgloss called "Peaches 'n' Cream." Well, how ironic that you have a song called "Peach" and another called "Cream." Yum. Well, I guess. Kind of. Forget that, OK?

I truly wonder if I'll ever tire of expanding this letter. It does get less funny as time goes on, but as you expand your discography and I expand how much of your music I have listened to, etc., I feel this letter must follow suit.

Camille, and Spookyelectric, your incredibly fascinating alter egos, helped me to discover my one and only alter ego. His name is Herman, and he's responsible for just about everything I don't want to be responsible for. Except some people don't actually think he's real.

Lastly, I would like to inform you that this letter was not serious in any way. And I, um, uh, never joke around like this. Nope, not me.

P.S. Short people unite (wearing seven-inch platforms)!!
P.P.S. Pleasepleasepuhleazepleazepleezepleezplz don't send this back with a stamp on the envelope reading "Return to Sender on Account of Creepiness." would never 4give u.
[Edited 5/1/06 15:11pm]

Stop smoking that .

Whah...Um....Well...Yeah I have no clue what to say.

more dude MORE! (and u should soo send that, i think he'd get a kick outta it)

you got a job?

Moonwalkbjrain said:

I wonder what Prince would do if he encountered someone as weird as him. Would he be scared or would he like it?

I like the "sibling repellant" stuff. Hey, I've done the same thing. Whenever my brother-in-law outlasts his welcome, I play some Prince videos, and he's gone. Fine by me.

Daddy said:

you can either read that ... or hear this

http://www.klubpod.com/sh...DIO_23.mp3

u2prnce said:

scared

nurse said:

Only thing I'm high on is life.

Daddy said:

Seriously...it works, doesn't it?

Milty said:

Like I said, I was in a time deficit from this letter. I just wrote whenever I was bored...and kinda neglected some stuff along the way...what all I forgot to do, I don't remember. It was last month and I got bored with writing it...I ran out of stuff to write.

And...would he be scared or would he like it? He'd have a restraining order...

u2prnce said:

neither, he'd prolly be turned off. yall know he got a holier,freakier,wierder etc... than thou thang goin lol