***Please note: The following for all intent and purpose, is classified under satire/parody; it is for entertainment only and should not be construed in any serious manner relating to the matters mentioned hereon***



For centuries, man has pursued and squandered the hidden treasures of the world, using all their resources, lifting the gold bullion off sunken Spanish ships, digging up the ornate relics of the Incas, and raiding the hidden collectables in Liberace's underwear drawer. Now, years later, one cradle of fortune and unsurpassed bounty awaits
in the most secure compound in the Midwest...

The Paisley Park Vault.

Ahh yes, the Great Vault. That mysterious locked space of utter sheer delights describe in fascination by fans and followers, critics and reviewers. It's very mention sends chills down one's spine. Indeed, the myth of the Vault is legendary, going back thousands of years when Nostradamus and other hashish horticulturists foretold
of a great storage area of inspiring work.

Yesss, the Vault. Rumored to contain 100's perhaps 1000's of unreleased music, video, and other unknowns. Yet it sits in it's air-tight chamber wasting away, awaiting discovery. Until then, our mouths drool, our ears perk, our hearts quicken; hoping and praying for the day of release. How much longer will Prince tease us?! How
much longer must we endure this titillation? To drown in our own drool? This burden is too much to bear. Now, kind readers, you must be wondering, what do I propose we do?

I say we take it.

Is it not power to the consumer?! To the people?! Our we not privy to the works and popularity bought and paid for by us?! Indeed, wasn't our hard earned dollars toiling in farm manure and corporate funk worthy of total admission?! Why are we getting only half the showing, when endless streams of audio and video frames could be dancing before our eyes?!!!

Isn't it obvious -- dare I say the words -- we'll never see these works?! Case in point, the recent Celebration. There are no photos of Prince released, no video -- it's quite obvious he has joined the Amish in Nappanee, Indiana and has banned all public dissipation of his likeness in the media. This is unacceptable.

So dear readers, using this flimsy reasoning, an infiltration should be in order. It won't be easy, I'm warning you now. It will take courage, fortitude, and more than a few drops of Jack Daniels to succeed.

The plan will be complex. Several support groups will be needed, including the main strike force, each incognizant and unaware of the others. This is obviously to avoid operational compromise if one team is caught.

Phase one will be a feignt, a phony play to gouge the Paisley Park defenses and plan accordingly. Rule #1 folks, Never underestimate the enemy (Sun Tzu, The Art of War)

So we send in an expendable. Perferably a senior citizen --a senior citizen who wouldn't mind spending his or her last days in jail. The senior will enter the grounds under the guise of a Domino pizza deliverer and start shouting and wreaking havoc once near the entrance. Make no mistake, Prince is no fool, the bodyguards aren't Tinkerton
Security rookies. They'll be trained professionals, perhaps even former Green Beret and Delta Operatives, baptisted in fire in some remote third-world hell-hole with enough experience to write 10 Clancy novels.

So the response and tactics of the bodyguards will
be closely surveilled by surrounding scouts, or if someone on here as access to a National Reconnaissance Office spy satellite, that would be great too, although with cloud cover we'd be screwed. Rule #2 Be prepared (Boy Scout motto)

Phase two will then go into effect. Normally, an operation of this degree would be under the guise of darkness, between 2-4am. Unfortunately this is the precise time Prince and company will be awake, jamming, recording, and nibbling on cereal. So it goes down at noon, in
broad daylight. A standard deversion tactic will be used, with a big enough bang to drive security outward. Dynamite perhaps? C4? DMX compound? Cherry bombs? No.

Gerbels.

That's right, gerbels. We need every type of small furry creature we can find, gerbels, rabbits, hamsters, etc. So anyone working at a Pet Ranch or grooming service, we need these rascals. Leave a note to the boss they'll be returned shortly. Rule #3 Treat every domicile as your own(Martha Stewart Living)

The mammals will be dropped off into the park, setting off motion-detectors and bringing out the guards. Prince will undoubtedly be awakened from his beauty sleep from all the commotion. Ever heard Animal Kingdom? Once he sees such a hoard of lovable creatures coming his way he'll believe it a divine miracle and dance around in glee, hurrying to pet and capture every last one. Heck, he'll probably start a petting zoo.

Meanwhile, we move in. The main strike force will invade the now vacant Paisley building under the guise of Orkin exterminators. Of course, the NPGMC staff members must be dealt with; however, everyone on this site clearly knows the whole inept operation is run by a 14 year-old Indonesian boy named Fundhi. We'll simply disable
all faxes, phones, etc and hand the kid a Baby Ruth.

Then, at long last, we come to the Vault. 10 tons, 10 inches of solid steel and supporting cement, surely loaded with alarms, infrared sensors, etc. An explosion is out of the question lest we damage the unreplaceable merchandise within. What to do?

Well, tapping 777 5311 on the keypad should do the trick, and voila mesdames et monsieurs, xanadu!!

Any takers?

i didn't think anyone knew i raided Liberace's underwear drawer...damn!

En fait, la derniere phrase est trompe. Voila l'un mieux: mesdames et messieurs.

Je vous demande pardon.

Translation of MrChristian, for the benefit of the ignorant Franzosisch sprechend: "Je n'ai pas pensé que quelqu'un savait que j'ai fait un raid sur le tireur de sous-vêtements de Liberace ... damné! "

I just skimmed over this post and I must say I agree that we should lock 2the9s in a vault!

Merci, franchement, mon francais est devenu nul. Not exactly a flock of them to talk to this side of the world.

Voulez - Vous Coucher Avec Moi Ce Soir.
:p

bonojr said:

Very funny!

randomduck said:

Oh Duckie, I'd be flattered.

bkw: we should create a Org hall of fame, and the first inductee should be your dirty minded, uber-genius self. The memory of "Dirty Sanchez" shall resonate down through the years, in fact for as long as true Pervs inhabit cyberspace. We salute you. RIP 'Dirty Sanchez'.

narcotizedmind said:

Was there really a thread called 'Dirty Sanchez'? They get deleted so quickly here, I don't know what is happening.

bkw said:

Rack off! You can sleep on the floor of the hallway. :p

randomduck said:

Hmmm, I'm not sure bkw understands what "Do it for the Duck!" means.

randomduck said:

Yes Duckie. It was Prince related too!

I asked whether anyone considers that Prince may have done a Dirty Sanchez. If so, in what era do you think he did it?

I voted for the Gold era of 94/95.

Interesting thread but for some reason it got deleted. Icenine enjoyed it though!

2the9s said:

Oh, I thought it was Do it to the Duck!. hehe

bkw said:

OK, now you can sleep out in the rain. :p

Randomduck said

It all depends on what you mean by the word "really". Foucault, for instance, denied that reality 'really' exists (I think, its bin a while). Certainly, in the Foucaultian (?) view we can't really know much about reality (assuming it exists). But I think he's wrong. I'm gonna stick my head on the block and say yes, there was such a thread (but actually its possible I just dreamt it!). But as to its subject matter - you don't know, and you don't wanna know!!

randomduck said:

What's new?

Anyone seen my pants?

It now seems there is independent evidence of the thread's existence; its wildly improbable that both bkw and I had the same dream!!

I'm seriously wondering how much material is in this so called "vault". It makes no sense to leave it there if Prince knows that at the VERY LEAST, all of the NPGMC members would fork out a boatload of cash for some of this stuff. If it's already mixed (heck, even if it aint), all he'd have to do is burn the CD's and watch the money roll in. I'd buy it.

And heck, as much of a control freak as he is, wouldn't he realize that somebody else will eventually cash in on these songs one way or another?

herbthe4 said

This assumes Prince thinks like a normal human being. Unfortunately there is quite a lot of evidence to the contrary. Who would break up the Revolution in 86? Or not release the Black Album? You'd have to be out of your freakin' tree, right?

That's a pretty funny plan, but I thought it was 777-9311. Anyhow, I wondered about the contents of the vault 2. With all the bootleg material we have such as Heaven, I Wonder, Lisa etc. Do u think they still count towards the "500+ songs" of the vault? And what do u think Prince will do with the songs? Do u think they will be in his will or will he burn them?

bonojr said:

The reason we (in our lifetime) will not see the contents (in any surmountable length) of the legendary VAULT is relative
to the meaning of life.
If all truths were displayed so abruptly
we could not fathom such content for our minds are only equipped to compute revelations at a speed adept to each his own. Any overflow could not be internalized to gain full use or appreciation. Therefore it's better left
to the discretion of the creator.

herbthe4 said:

Not if he puts it in his will that all tapes in the vault have to be destroyed - you can take it with you, if you plan ahead!

There's quite a bit of evidence there's a lot of stuff in the vault, however there's no need to release it just because it's there. Prince uses his tapes like an artist uses pencil and paper. Should every artist release every scribble they put down, however rubbish? Trouble with a lot of artists these days, they go into the studio with barely 12 song ideas and overwork just the 12 songs, hell they even can't be bothered with b-sides these days, just put a DJ remix on there. Whereas Prince comes up with 30 ideas and then chooses the best. We hope. And then puts a DJ remix on the reverse.

I guess what bugs people is that Prince is the one who's made such a big deal about his "vault". He's been tantalizing fans with it at least since '85 (he mentioned it in the fabled R.S. interview), and has even included it in song lyrics ('I've got grooves and grooves up on the shelf; deep purple concord jams...'). Now he says - 'this is my shit, get a life'. We all expected a flood of stuff after 96, and all we get is a trickle... (even CB was hit and miss). Like I said on another thread, I don't see why he couldn't release a 20 or 30 c.d. box of live performances. You see huge jazz boxes (Eric Dolphy's Complete Studio Recordings on Fucking Obscure Jazz Label, remastered in 32 bit soundmapped... ). I doubt whether those kind of things would sell more than 5000 copies. Hell, I'm just guessing. Anyway, I've stopped fantasizing about the Vault, and discovered there is life after Prince. But if and when he opens it, I'll be there, licking my lips

narcotizedmind said:

What is that 5 volume "the Work"?