How would the fight go ....
Dare I ask who would win?
Write the Ending!!

"... Welcome back to Kool Aid, the first concert fundraiser for Kool & the Gang and other 80's pop stars that couldn't hack it in the 90s! I hope you've been enjoying the show so far tonight! As you know, we're being telecast around the world live, and will be seen on over 2 billion television sets. We hope to raise enough money so that the Pet Shop Boys and those like them need never go hungry again."
"Unfortunately, due to the excessive number of commercial spots, we will be unable to bring you both of the two remaining acts tonight. So instead, I've asked them both to come out and join each other on stage for the first time. Please welcome ..... Michael Jackson ..... and ..... Prince!"

The two superstars walk out to center stage and hug. Michael picks up a microphone and speaks to the crowd: "We will now sing a very special song for you. I hope you like it." Michael Jackson and Prince then start into a heart-warming rendition of Barry Manilow's classic I Write the Songs. The crowd's excited fanatical cheers turn into a din of anger and rage.

Prince becomes angry at this turn of events. "I told you this was a stupid idea! You've ruined my career! I'll never live down this humiliation!" He pushes Michael in disgust and begins to walk offstage mid-song.

But the last vestiges of Michael's testosterone kick in. "Hey pretty-boy, are you pushing me? And this was your idea." Michael slaps Prince on the face. It escalates rapidly from there, and finally into an all-out fist fight, with the pent-up frustrations of two dwindling careers coming to bear at each other. The crowd turns silent and watches in anticipation...




Michael Jackson
vs.
The Artist Formerly Known As

-----

The Commentary

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BRIAN: I gotta go with The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (heretofor referred to as "TAFKATAFKAP") in this one, Steve. In any fight, one of the biggest keys to victory is self-confidence. If you don't think you're good enough to win, then you won't. Simply put, TAFKATAFKAP (tm) has more self-confidence than Michael. True, TAFKATAFKAP isn't a prime example of self-confidence. After all, if he was so sure of himself, why would he keep changing his name back and forth? But compared to Michael Jackson, he's Warren Beatty. As the old joke goes, Michael Jackson is the only black man in the world trying to look like a white woman. He's so unhappy with himself that the skin treatment and plastic surgery still isn't enough; he's got to make friends with monkeys, little boys, and the bones of dead freaks. There's no way he could ever visualize himself winning this fight.
Another key factor is manliness. TAFKATAFKAP routs Michael in this category. TAFKATAFKAP bagged Kim Basinger AND Sheena Easton. It doesn't get any better than that! Who has Michael bagged? Pedophilic jokes aside, no one. Sure he supposedly got someone pregnant, but I think the tabloids have exposed that for the farce it was, just like his phony marriage. The only time we've ever seen Michael out in public with a woman, it's either with his bogus (ex)-wife, one of his sisters, or one of his many "friends" such as Liz or Diana. And you know what they say about guys that are "friends" with all the girls...

Conquest resumes aside, Steve, their song lyrics tell us quite a bit about the manliness of the two combatants as well. TAFKATAFKAP's songs like "Little Red Corvette" and "Darling Nikki" drip with sexuality. "1999" shows the man knows how to party. And to quote from the Purple Rain (tm) soundtrack: "Let's look for the purple banana 'til they throw us in the truck. Let's go crazy!" Even though I have no idea how or why, this guy is apparently a complete stud muffin. Michael, on the other (gloved) hand, sings about how "Billy Jean is NOT my lover" (he's quite emphatic about this point). In "Dirty Diana" he seems very upset that he's about to have sex with a woman. And don't get me started on either of the possible meanings behind "Beat It". TAFKATAFKAP pimp slaps Michelle before (s)he even has time to properly grab himself.

STEVE: Tell me Brian, what color is the sky in your fantasy world? Michael Jackson is going to wipe the floor with TAFKATAFKAP. Frankly, I don't see how TAFKATAFKAP's sexual prowess is going to help him here. So what if he's a modern-day Cassanova? Last time I checked, that doesn't help you in a fight. Yet you ramble on for 2 paragraphs about it. And self-confidence? TAFKATAFKAP has to resort to changing his name to a symbol (and back again) in order to get people to like him and think he's cool. It reminds me of those pesky kids on the internet who try to make themselves sound cool by giving themselves nicknames like "K00ld00d" or "DeathSlayer". And this bit about changing his mind about it. Sound familiar? Now who's trying to be like a white woman?

Let's study the important factors here. First of all, height. Celebrities always appear taller than they really are on TV. It's a natural result of being on camera. Even on TV, TAFKATAFKAP looks like a shrimp! He looks like a 10-year old child compared to those guitars he plays. He must be like 4'10" or so. Even an average-sized Michael Jackson would be able to tower over him.

Let's not forget another thing about Michael Jackson. He's bad, he's bad, you know it. Really really bad. It plainly says so in his song, after all. He hangs out with gangs who get into knife fights to the death. TAFKATAFKAP hangs out with models. Maybe TAFKATAFKAP could defend himself from an onslaught of face-slapping, but not against a pissed-off Michael Jackson.

BRIAN: Well, Steve, I hope you realize that you just alienated yourself from about 35% of our demographic with that little slam on internet nicknames. The vast majority of the remaining 65% have probably jumped to my side as well after some of the ridiculous points you just brought to the table.

First of all, I don't think anyone would argue that TAFKATAFKAP isn't the biggest guy in the world, but I'd like to know where you get off calling Michael Jackson "average-sized". The guy's a stick! TAFKATAFKAP is no Hulk Hogan, but I'd bet he could at least do a push-up. Michael would get winded while trying and failing to do just one of those girl push-ups from his knees. Perhaps you have misjudged Michael's size because you've never seen him next to a guitar. Maybe that's because he's never played one! Or any other instrument for that matter. King of Pop my ass.

Second, Michael Jackson does NOT hang out with gangs that get into knife fights to the death. He hangs out with gangs that line dance. TAFKATAFKAP, OTOH, grew up on the streets of Minneapolis. His urban upbringing and harsh winter exposures (a la Rocky IV) will prove valuable assets in this fight. All Michael ever did as a child was hang around Beverly Hills with Tito and Jermaine.

Finally, the reason I brought up TAFKATAFKAP's escapades is to prove that he is a MAN. Why is this so important? Because a man whips a non-man in any fight, and Michael is certainly NOT a man. Fans of Classic SNL will remember Eddie Murphy's proof of Michael's androgyny: "Just as I suspected!" And not only is he not a man, I'm beginning to question if he's even human anymore. Look at his face! It looks like a china doll. Apparently, the plastic surgeon wasn't enough, so he started going to the porcelain surgeon. One whack from a microphone and Michael's face will shatter into a thousand pieces. Victory to TAFKATAFKAP!

STEVE: Michael may not be Hulk Hogan, but he is certainly fit. Look at all those fancy dance moves he's always doing! You have to be somewhat in shape in order to pull those off. And all the balance and coordination required for those fancy steps is closely tied to boxing, and dare I say it, martial arts skills.

You mentioned plastic (or porcelain) surgery. I submit to you that it's more like plastic (or porcelain) armor. TAFNATAFKAP could beat Michael about the head all day and Michael won't feel a bit of it. There's no real tissue there, and the hardness of it is going to take it's toll on TAFNATAFKAP's knuckes. Hit after hit, TAFNATAFKAP will look in amazement as Michael just laughs at his pathetic attempts to do him harm.

Finally, as you touched upon earlier, there are his ties with the undead. We've all seen in Thriller how they can appear rather suddenly, and all follow his every command or dance step. With an army of lost souls at his beckoning, you better believe TAFNATAFKAP is in for it. And for added motivation, if TAFNATAFKAP gets killed in the fight, then Michael can control him now too. The outlook: Michael Jackson in 5 minutes while Vincent Price calls the fight at the microphone.

Grudge Match is a hilarious website, and this was one of their bets IMO