Quite a while ago I did this thread on Prince albums vs Food/Restaurants and
the date that might be equivalent to the albums. But it's been a while and
there have been a load of new albums added to the list by this time. So here
is a brief update.

And, just like last year, this thread still does not make any sense at all.




For You

A sloppy chipolata pudding with white wine spritzer, it
might impress the junior virgins but it won't gain you
access to those thirty-something knickers. Besides, your
mother won't let you go out without a shapperone yet.



Prince

A warm strawberry donut with coffee, cream and junior
mints shared with a date on a romantic walk along the
peer. Just make sure there isn't a militant lesbian
march on for that day.
B*A*M*B*I

Dirty Mind

Bangers and Mash with cold beer. Enjoyed at an all
nite highway restaurant. You might take your sister
or you might even have a poke at the waitress, if
she's up for it. Gloryholes in the restroom, and
instant-weddings next door.
Note: watch out for patches of jizz on the seats.



Controversy

Dormroom-fridge-surprise. There's a cake in there
that hasn't been in the oven long enough and there
are also some fish fingers that were in the over
too long. The yoghurt looks green, but just scrape
off the crust and beware that psycho bitch from 2C
don't catch you in the act. Wasn't that the sound
of her blue car pulling up the drive way just now?



1999

An enormous bowl of seafood with complementary oysters
and a fingerbowl with hot water and lemon to wash your
hands afterwards. Or your groinal area.



Purple Rain

A grotesquely decorated 7-store weddingcake with rum
creme on the inside and cherries on top. Punch for all!
Double servings for girls with lace underwear on. Just
make sure you don't over-do it or the host might slap
you. Make double sure there's not a dove on one of the
chandeleers, doing poo poo in your glass!



Around The World In A Day

Turkish coffee and fortune cookies, on a pick-nick in
Tibet, served on a union-jack. If you're lucky, you
might run into Paul McCartney and a Maharishi sharing
a 'shroom, he'll claim he was the most talented Beatle.




Parade

Toast and Lavender Tea in a stripped down minimalist
French restaurant. The meal might not seem like much
but with this snobbish service, you're lucky to get
as much at all. Just enjoy the scenery and the camp
pillock playing the piano.



Sign O The Times

Fennel Soup for starters, then a Club Sandwich, then a
bowl of banana iceream with chocolate flakes and some
coffee, after dinner mints and a cigarette, discuss the
state of current affairs over dinner, go clubbing all
night long, get drunk and end up having raunchy [but
protected] sex with someone gorgeous [it doesn't háve
to be your dinnerdate].



The Black Album

Vanilla pancakes at the bondage bar. After your hands
and feet are strapped tightly to the table, "Hans",
your waiter for the night, will feed you your serving
and give you a complimentary spanking.
Note: Fridaynight is Neonnight: manditory masturbation.



Lovesexy

A fast of water and seaweed with complementary visions.
After 6 days you'll be awarded a trip out to the candy
store where you may swim in a sea of backlit rockhard
candy in all colours of the rainbow. Make sure they
don't put everything on just 1 bill, it'll be a mess
to sort out the seperate portions.



Batman

Stir-fried bat with lemon. Just make sure your date
doesn't have any childhood issues to work out before
you go for dinner. Most likely you'll sit at a table
in eardistance to someone citing movielines all nite
long. The food will most likely constipate you and
you'll need an enema to set things right again. A
smelly nite out, by all means.
-> ->


Grafitty Bridge

Who would get a bite down after that? Indeed, you'll
just go out for drinks to a nice smooth jazz n poetry
bar with a midget playing keyboards and a sexkitten
whispering doodles on a blacklit stage. After 15 shots
of vermouth, sex in the alley is not far out of
reach. After 30 shots of vermouth you might strap on
some assless pants and go moonlighting on a rooftop,
doing the chickendance with some of the locals.



Diamonds & Pearls

Pasta with roasted lamb & apricots, a martini and a
Cuban cigar. The restaurant is Italian, no doubt,
but with an oldies movie theme added to it. The
waitor will be a part-time rapper who'll treat you
to his latest musings. The date will be so-so.
It will start out great but meander in the end.
The sexual crescendo however will be an absolute
showstopper [yet somehow you still can't forget
some of those lines that waiter spilled out].




Chicken breast with lemongrass and too much cream. Not
a drop of water to go with this dish. The desert will
be an overkill of flambeéd fruits. It will doubtless
impress your underaged date. You might have to help
her translate the menu though.


Come

Vodka and Viagra, mango slices for those who want a
bit of a bite. But nibbling is allowed to, in fact
I think this restaurant encourages it. At midnight
a drunken soprano staggers to the piano and decides
to try how many octaves it'll take to shatter the
tip-glass. You're likely to meat a very old flame
from way back when, on you're way to the toilets.
Chances are you'll have sex and share an orgasm.



Exodus

Gravy with meatballs mothafucka. The service is not
too good, the personell looks threatening but this
joint somehow has an enormous appeal. Just park your
little car three blocks down cuz you'll surely be
laughed at by the pimpsters in the parkinglot with
their bumping rides, flashing wheelcaps and matching
dentures.
A waitress might try to sell you some tapes. Buy one
it'll be the funkiest tape in your collection.



The Gold Experience

Today's special at the local nude bar. Naked women
everywhere, you'll probably forget all about your
meal and take it home in a doggy-bag. Just don't
talk to the girls, since one of them will surely
start talking about reïncarnation, telling you she
dreams of making love to whales. The houseband is
amazing tho: they look like an xxx-rated version
of Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love video. wow.



Chaos & Disorder

Microwaved roadkill with a sportsdrink. Johnny
Knoxville might drop by at this suburban barbeque
and put his balls on the grill, just for a laugh.
Lock the lavatories, some of the jackass crew are
planning to dump a pig's heart in the john.


Emancipation

A jar of sacharine, some lollipops and a tiny, tiny
tiny side-dish of mouthwatering haut quisine. The
date starts out nice, but this girl keeps talking
about the same thing over and over and over. She
even taught you some designer names like Versace,
Gucci and Prada. How many courses does this Disney
glucose banquet have? You'll need strong nerves to sit
this date out. Better send a friend out on this one and
make them go see what she's like, come back home and
tell you the abbreviated version.


The Truth

Finally, you've met mr/mrs Right. They're very
goodlooking, sporting a cool mellow style. They
do have some severe emotional baggage, but they
know how to swing it and don't weigh you down
with it. They'll talk about ethereal stuff, a
nice anecdote interwoven with mythical lore and
some cool facial expressions, a fingersnap here
and there. They'll mention Mancini and you'll
be so impressed you feel your groin catch fire.
The meal will be in a hip lounge bar with fine
modern art and comfortable seating. The dinner
will be vegetarian, and you'll play along and
order lettuce and corn eventho you're secretly
pining for a juicy stake.


Crystal Ball

Stanky Ho! This date looks like all that and
a bag of crisps. But they're not. They're just
a collage of stolen bits and pieces. Magpie on
the run from obscurity, approaching their own
sell-by date. No matter where you take them,
they won't notice, they'll only be interested
in telling you stories of the good old days
when they were still up and running with the
crowd. They'll curse like no tomorrow, to act
as if they're still hip. But to no effect.
Once the first bottle of whine is gulped down
make-up will start to run. Make sure to sneak
out the bathroom window before the houselights
are turned up bright.


Kamasutra

A blind date at the Russian Tearoom. Your friends
told you this was THE one for you. They turn up
45 minutes late, "because ballet rehearsals ran a
bit late". They don't eat in fear of gaining any
weight. The bag on their lap clutters and twangs
with the metallic sound of scissors. Whatever you
do, don't upset them. They probably collect old
toenails in a jar. No relationship material.


NPS

-second serving free of charge. All
round stinker. All restaurants were closed so you
got a weener at a hotdog stand. It was lukewarm
and gave you the runners for 2 days after. Your
date called and told you she wanted to start
seeing other people.


Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic

Lentle-beans & tofu on stale old toast with a glass
of kiddy cider. Your date called and said she is
now seeing an ex wife-beater and loved to eat meat.
pun intended. Sell some of those prada shoes she
left lying around and grow yourself a vegetable
garden.
1/2

Rave In2 The Joy Fantastic

Your date came back over. You were so happy you
started talking twice as fast as usual and put on
an acid record to try and convince her you could
be cool and hip. Then your E sank in and you just
did another Jimmi impression on guitar before
passing out in the corner. When you woke up you
realised she was gone again - this time she'd
taken the last of her shoes as well. Janet and
Q-tip called and told you to stop stealing lines
from their songs.
1/2

The Rainbow Children

Selfgrown crops and ashtree leaves, some rice and
probably someone snuck in a roast of lamb through
the bathroom window. Just don't let the hoast catch
you. He's reported to be a vegetarian. Altho rumor
has it that he's been studying the bible so fervently
that he now eats fish again. Holla! Someone said that
Sly might show up, but everyone knows it was just a
way to get people to come over. He's there in spirit,
that's enough! The music gets better and better, but
the looks in your host's eye is glazing over. His
friend with the big hat makes you feel queezy. So enjoy
the food, enjoy the chatter and the atmosphere but make
sure you leave before desert cuz that's when they'll
close the doors and whip out the watchtowers. PS: Take
care not to curse, or you'll have to make a donation 2
the cursing-jar.
mother- -ers

One Nite Alone [piano]

Luncheon at the Gentlemen's lounge. Membership
required. There'll be a lot of old crooners in
pinstriped suits sipping brandy, cigar in one
hand, 18 year old in the other. The pianist is
very good. They'll even throw in a Joni cover
if you put some dollars in their glass and an
extra tip for the gold-diggers-alimony fund.
Your date will be an old, distinguished 'been
there, done that' type of affair. They might
ammuse you for a while, but it'll never last.



One Nite Alone [Live] + Aftershow disc

So you said to yourself, "why not?" you'd tried
everything else and so you decided to go on a
same sex date. Your date showed up looking like
they just came back from choir practice with
Toni Soprano. You start to feel uncomfortable &
wish you hadn't ordered a citrusfruit punch cuz
your date won't stop pouting now.
Your initial thought was cool, you thought this
would be easy. Same sex date, you know all their
content, you can swing with all their assets and
everything's nice and farmilliar yet different 2.
And that might be so, if the date you chose had
not been so flat and inanimate. To top things
off some of their friends showed up and tried to
impress you with their horrible vocal skills.
The waiter called the police because he thought
an elephant was caughing up oil in the parkinglot.
It turned out to be your date's friend George.


Xpectation

Sunday afternoon at the local sushi bar. Your
waitress seems to fancy you. Her pussy in the
corner, behind the bar hisses and purrs like
an electric violin. As you sip your sake she
tells you that her mother used to know Miles
Davis - but not until after he'd gone electric.
She says their in-house piano player is the
most amazing freestyler but he won't be able
to play tonight since her brother (whom also
plays piano) feels upstaged otherwise.
You wait till she's finished then take her
back to your's for some steamy love making.
The sex is rather monotonous yet the climax
is mindblowing. In aprox 9 months her father
will come looking for you.


C-Note

During your stay at an old friend's outhouse
in Kyoto you walk outside into the garden at
night with a cup of tea and some lychees in
a bowl. You sit near the water in the tiny
pagoda. You're glad you brought your player
as you listen to a few segments of Bitches
Brew and some Monk. It's humid and hot out
here, your linen pyjama's cling to you ever
so slightly. As rain starts to fall like
a delicately woven curtain, the humm of the
forrest and the shrieks of distant birds
fill the air to breathtaking capasity and
intensity. The carps pound circles on
the pond as your neighbours turn up the
volume on their sentimental rock record.
You slip out of your trance but for days
you will remember this blissfull feeling
of womblike humidity and intense secrecy.
Then Hans from Copenhagen calls and asks
if he can have his copy of Sketches In
Spain back please.


SlaughterHouse

Well, why not, everyone seems to be doing
it so why not you? You take a bold step &
attend a luxurious vip botox-dinner party.
The food is "fly" and the room is filled
to capacity with people pretending to be
a decade or so below their age. After the
champagne and caviar, the houselights go
up and everyone's bling reflects rays of
light onto newly tightened faces with
tambourine skin. All restraint is released
when someone throws on a Puff Daddy cd &
grabs his mother yelling "Bounce Bitch".



The Chocolate Invasion

Given your last date gave you an enormous
hang over you go out for some asprin and
on your way back home stop at a nice and
breezy soul cafe where some true crooners
are doing their thing. You have a mocca,
and a slice of strawberry cake. You feel
relaxed and better. After hanging out with
some of your new friends, you get in your
car, ready to go home. When you turn the
key in the ignition, your carsystem blows
a 1000 megavolt blast of Jay-Z feat Puff
through your eardrums. A remnant from the
botox party last night. You forgot to
change cd's.



N.E.W.S.

Let's face it, you've started to see a
bellboy/girl from a Grand Hotel in the
next town.
As you ride the elevator up and down
with him all day long and listen to
the soothing sleepy sounds of the in-
house music you feel blissfull.
But when you take a break to get some
lunch for you and your doll, you have
to stop by the local wreckastow and
get a quick shot of real jazz fusion
or at least some Jimmi.
After that it's back to the Grand for
a few more hours of Kenny G.


Musicology

Finally you've had enough of all this
dating. You decide to focus on work a
bit more and to order some food in at
night. At this point you notice that
hotty from reception again. You always
thought she was cute, even flirted but
somehow you forgot about her.
After eating together at the office
and talking over espresso till all hours
of the night for a few months you
decide this is gonna be the one. You
slip a ring onto her finger and before
you know, you've written a bag full of
extraordinary reports for work.
Now and again you still write some of the
most tedious crap in ages, but you dont
notice since you're so in love. Your boss
decides to let is pass, he'll make enough
money from the good papers anyway.







nomenclaturaleditithinkorperhapsnotwhocansay
[Edited 10/18/04 9:36am]

BeautifulOneJem said:

someone took the trouble to read it

Well done.

Getting hungry reading that