Jewelry Model

My name is Natalie and I am one of the lucky gals who gets to be a jewelry model for Club Shop, one of those 24 hour shopping channels that’s on, like, channel 325. I get to sit for four hours each day and wear some of the tackiest, ugliest, overdone jewelry ever made on the face of the earth and smile as if there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing. Oh, this job is just great. The pay sucks but the hours are great and I get all the cheap, tacky jewelry a girl could want. Most of it ends up at the pawn shop or as Christmas presents for those people who I don’t really know well but have gotten myself into the awkward position of buying presents for anyway. I guess that alone makes up for the weak pay. The network uses me for two of their jewelry shows, Exotic Treasures and The Glamorous Life, which is about four hours of air-time a day. Add hair and make up and the occasional commercial and I put in about 30 hours a week normally and about 45 hours a week during the holiday season.

I lucked out and got to do the jewelry shows has opposed to the home goods or the clothing shows because of my so-called “mystifying and foreign” appearance. I think that’s showbiz speak for “a skinny brown chick with long black hair.” The jewelry on Club Shop may be ugly but it’s not as bad as the clothing they sell. You can’t even give that stuff away as a gift! Helen’s one of the clothing models and my closest friend and she’s always griping about how she has to take home these horrible sweat suits and oddly colored sweater sets. Sometimes she gives the clothes to goodwill and sometimes she makes them into quilts. One day, when Helen and I were really bored, she brought in one of her Club Shop quilts and I brought in some of my Club Shop jewelry and we decorated her quilt between shows. She entered it into a contest and it won second place and $200, which we split. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

My job is pretty easy, all I do is sit and smile. In fact, on my first day on the job, my boss told me that while I’m on camera I should just think, “Smile, smile, blink, blink.” That little mantra worked for about an hour. There is nothing more boring than sitting and wearing ugly ass jewelry for four hours everyday while thinking, “smile, smile, blink, blink,” but at least it’s not four hours wearing a double knit chartreuse sweater set and thinking, “smile, smile, blink, blink.” Every show has a hostess and the hostess has it pretty good. She’s basically a jewelry model who talks and I guess the talking part must be pretty tough because she gets paid a whole lot more than the floor models. Every morning I get to see her pull up in her little red BMW and walk around the studio with that smug little expression that says, “I’m a talking jewelry model, get out of my way!” Bitch. I can’t be a hostess because I haven’t been working at the channel long enough and Helen isn’t eligible because she gets laryngitis at the drop of a hat and has a very squeaky voice on top of it. So the two of us get to pose for animal crackers all day long and get our toes stepped on by the hostesses.

On Exotic Treasures, the jewelry is made exclusively for Club Shop and the jeweler himself is always on explaining his inspiration for his “exclusive pieces” as if by talking about these hideous pieces of metal will make them better looking. The whole theme of the show has to do with far off lands and unknown people and having the jeweler on the show gives it a personal touch so the consumer thinks that the jewelry was made especially for her. We even have a “marketplace” backdrop complete with pictures of elephants and toothless old women. At first the producers tried to have a “haggling” element to the show by marking up the prices of the jewelry and then trying to get the customers to talk it down to increase the exotic feel of the show but it only resulted in people complaining that the prices were too high. So much for authenticity.

The hostess, usually Becky but sometimes Cassandra, always has to talk with the featured jeweler in a part interview, part chat kind of format while I sit on my little stool wearing some gold and gemstone bracelet, necklace, earring set that is supposed to resemble the jewelry found in some remote Chinese village and smiling like I won the lottery. There are regular jewelers who stop by the show monthly or weekly depending on their contracts and sometimes we have “up and coming” jewelers who are trying to get some kind of distribution and maybe a Club Shop contract. Oftentimes the jeweler will get all touchy feely with the hostess and she has to fend him off after the show. Becky’s boyfriend is a police officer and he was able to hook her up with some police issue mace just in case anyone gets out of hand. I don’t think she’s used it yet.

One of Exotic Treasures’ regular jewelers thinks himself a Don Magic Juan of sorts and he’s always trying to smooch on someone. He likes to say that he’s from France and he speaks with the fakest accent I’ve ever heard. His says that his name is Pierre la Rue and I think he’s really from Florida or something. He makes these pieces that he says are inspired by the “bleu zeaz of ze Carrrrribbean and ze vite peakz of ze Alpz; ze gold of a zunzet in India and ze rrrrred of ze Rrrrrred Zea.” Last I checked, the French didn’t roll their ‘r’s like that. He even uses some version of this line on the hostess every time he comes by. “Oh Becky, yourrrrr hairrrrr iz az rrrrred az ze jewelz in my nu braceleet, earrrrring zet zat vere inspired by ze Rrrrrred Zea.” What the hell kind of a line is that? I bet he hasn’t even been to ze Rrrrrred Zea. I may not have a BMW but at least I don’t have to put up with Don Magic Juan trying to pick me up every week. Sigh.

The Glamorous Life is all about exactly that, the glamorous life or at least that how the producers pitch it. Only the finest decorative pieces are displayed for the “glamorous and sophisticated Club Shop woman.” The backdrop for this show is all silky and purple with these Greek columns that didn’t make it to the backdrop of Exotic Treasures. Basically, this show is full of cubic zirconium and cheap costume jewelry and every so often a piece will give me a nice rash that smarts for a few days. Thank God I get paid sick leave and have health care.
This show has a host and hostess team, Ron and Darnette, who talk about all the jewelry on the show and to the live callers who call up and gush about all the great pieces they’ve bought from the show. There’s this one woman named Marla who calls in practically every show to talk about the excellent craftsmanship of all of her purchases. I think she buys a new piece everyday. I mean, how much money can you blow on ugly pieces of crap that can possibly give you a rash?!? She must not have sensitive skin like me. Ron and Darnette really love her, mostly because she takes up air time. She’s always commenting on how beautiful I am, which makes me feel guilty at times. It makes me feel like it’s my fault that these people buy this crap. They look at me and say, “my, she’s lovely looking,” and then they call up and buy some forty pound plastic emerald brooch that’s glued together with Elmer’s School Glue. Maybe it doesn’t quite work that way but at times I do feel partially responsible for people buying these atrocities. Okay, so maybe it’s not really guilt but it is a feeling that resembles guilt. It gives me something to think about in between all the smiling and blinking.

One day Marla called in to gush about these cubic zirconium stud earrings that were about as big as a child’s fist. They easily weighed a half a pound each and I remember wearing the clip-on version because there was no way I was about to stretch out my piercings wearing those suckers. She was going on and on about how the earrings caught the light so beautifully and how she got loads of compliments on them wherever she went. At least they made her happy. She must have convinced other people to order them because those earrings went on back order and to this day people are still ordering them. That Marla’s a good promoter. The network should consider paying her for her services.

But whatever, at the end of the day it’s a job that pays the bills and supplies me with an endless amount of free Christmas gifts for distant relatives and old acquaintances. It’s not much but it’s something. And all I have to do is smile and blink.






Copyright © 2004 JessyMD32781.

my main problem with it is that it's just a disgruntled jewelry model rambling about her job and i don't know where else to go with it. i like the disgruntled rambling but i want for it to go somewhere

it came to me while watching QVC and it just seems like something that would go on inside a jewelry model's head while wearing all that tacky ugliness.

The backdrop for this show is all silky and purple with these Greek columns that didn’t make it to the backdrop of Exotic Treasures.

I liked it!

I enjoyed this. I like the stream of consciousness style, it's an easy read and a unique perspective on the chick we've all seen on QVC. You give this formerly stationary puppet a voice and I like what she has to say.

I'm sure it will be great as you develop it, but honestly, I like it as it stands.

Come to think of it, though, I probably would like to hear Natalie's story, what happens when she leaves the studio, what's going on in her life... this is a great premise. Keep at it. I know how hard it is to go back to something you've started.