Dear Orgers,

This might be kind of long but I just need to vent/share about some things that have been going on around me. A few days ago there was some talk about Depression and how we deal with it. On that thread I said I tried to seek balance. I think this story might help illustrate my point, that there is beauty always around us, the positive is always close at hand even when we doubt that it is even in our own same zip codes.

As most of you know, I am a first year Special Education Teacher, as Pej put it when we met "You teach crazy kids, right?", And I guess there is some validity in stating it like that. I teach children classified as Emotional Disturbed, they have been beaten, raped, neglected. They have murders, rapists, drug dealers and prostitutes as parents, many of them have been homeless at some point in time. They are all under the age of 9. They throw chairs, try to Comit suicide in my classroom, they fight, they curse, the beat, they scream, they cry, they display their vengeance and hatred for the world every moment of every day, they battle with their insecurities, they do not know how to cope with there surroundings, and if I went through what they have gone through in their lives, i would probably be just like them, I would act crazy too.

When I went into this field, I thought I could change lives, I thought I could maybe save an innocent. I thought I might be able to give back to these children some small iota of what God has given me. Despite all that wrong or "bad" that has befallen me in my short 25 years I know the universe has given me more than my fair share. I know I am blessed when I see the suffering that goes on around us, between us. I thought that I might be able to ease some of that suffering.

Well, it turns out that I have seen one to many movies, Life is not "Lean On Me," ... but there are some moments that make this life more than bearable.

Anyway this morning due to a last minute administrative decision I was sent on a field trip I was not supposed to be on, while one of my assistants remained behind with the majority of my class.

I took two of my students with me and we went to the beach, one of my students, Jahquell who has had a horrific life, had never seen the ocean before. I thank God for the opportunity to be there when he first experienced, possibly the most beautiful wonder there is one this earth.

At first he was afraid, the sheer size of it amazed him. He said "I'm scared of all that big water" I said" don't be ", and I went and walked into the water up to my knees (Meanwhile everyone was glaring at me because the students were not supposed to actually go that close to the water but I thought fuck it this kid has seen so little he wants to touch the water...he's GONNA touch that ocean )

Anyway, after a few minutes he saw that I was unharmed and took a step towards me he said "A hands gonna come up and pull me under! " and jumped away. I said " Jahquell there are no people underneath the water, why do you think a hands going to reach up and grab you?" He said "Well who is making it move?"

I laughed as I ran back up the shore, my work clothes soaked up to the knee... I took his hand and I said "The moon, gravity, I don't know but there is NOTHING to be afraid of here hold my hand and stay close to me..."

He was terrified he was trembling, near tears, I could feel his heart pounding as he pushed his little skinny body close to mine, (Jahquell has long hair, and even his braids were shaking) ... I held his hand and lead him about ankle deep into the tide.

His face lit up he made a sound pure joy and astonishment and we stood in silence for a few moments....

Later on, on the bus ride back to school, my student fell asleep with his head on my shoulder, clutching a sea shell in his hand.

When I returned to school my assistant who was supposed to go on the trip told me that another student of mine's uncle had slipped passed security and charged into my classroom looking for me ... it turns out that a little girl in my class upset over a punishment she had been given, went home last night and fabricated a story about me shoving a bar of soap into her mouth, the uncle came to the school not to complain to administration, not to talk to me about what this little girl had claimed but to "Get that fucking white bitch"....

Had I not at the last moment be placed on a bus to go to the beach, something I did NOT want to do at the time, I would not have experienced the moments of beauty that I did, and I believe had I stayed behind as I had planned on I could have been seriously injured.

I am extremely upset as I type this.... I feel betrayed by this little girl who crawls on my lap every morning and tells me "I wish you were my mother," because I thought that she was one of the few who could reach or change or teach something about compassion or decency to... but I am grateful for God's protection today and for his gift of beauty.

Let me side step from my story for a second here....

As many of you know I am extremely close with Byron and Littlepill. I truly do believe that they ARE my guardian angels. They both entered my life in a time of such darkness and both of them have shown me more love then can ever be expressed in words. Byron is a soul mate of sorts to me, a spiritual brother. Pill is first and for most a friend of the highest order...and he is the most loyal and loving man I have ever been involved with.

That said it makes sense that the first thing I did when I left work was immediately call Littlepill and tell him my story, he was upset asked me not to go to work on Monday because the Uncle had said he was going to come back and get me. Be fore we hung up he told me to come here and look at his avatar. He told me to thank Byron for it. I didn't know why but I wasn't to concerned about it.

When we hung up I called Byron, I told him the same story. His reaction was close to the same.... We talked about it ... he helped me realize that the chances of me losing my job or my teaching license due to a fabricated story that there is no proof or way of validating are next to nill...and I relaxed a bit. I mentioned that Pill asked me to tell Byron thank you for his avatar and Byron laughed, said "tell him he's welcome" and told me to go check out the org.....

At most times this place is the LAST place I want to come when I am feeling sad.... I associate a fair degree of sadness and loss with this place (and gratitude, always gratitude ) ... but I listened to my guardians and came...

It may sound silly to some after the day I had, but seeing Pill's avatar... a personal and silly declaration of his love for me....that was made by my brother's hand fills me with something... a gratitude, a grounding...

The balance I need to not feel betrayed by the nonsense this little girl has said, to not feel weighted down by the possibility of catastrophe.... to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us all.


Ok I rambled enough here. I hope this makes at least marginal sense to those who actually read this.

as always peace and love

Sweeny 79

Sweeny...

I remember you telling the story of the little girl. I'm so sorry, and I hope things will work out for the best

summerdawn said:

Thanks

Sweeny79 said:

I think you did!

I'm glad I could be here for you! You know you can call me to vent or cry anytime. I'm always here for you.

LittlePill said:

Thank you...

My Angel ever at my side
how lovely you must be -
To leave your home in heaven,
to guard someone like me.

When I'm far away from home,
or maybe hard at work
I know you will protect me,
from harm along the way.

Your beautiful and shining face,
I see not, though you're near
The sweetness of your lovely voice,
I cannot really hear.

When I pray, you're praying too,
your prayer is just for me.
But, when I sleep you never do,
You're watching over me.

nesseone said:

Exactly my friend

Sweeny79 said:

You know I love ya !!!!

honey i'm going to read that full post when i get a chance to really concentrate (i'm a short attention span poster at work)

but i just want to say bless you doll, i feel the emotion coming out of it.

more later.

Sweeny

I remember when you started this job, we talked and I told you that teaching is not a job but a calling, especially when it comes to working with children who are impaired in some way, whether it's emotionally, mentally or physically. You have the calling and just by having that you WILL make a difference in these children's life. What you need to watch out for is getting burned out, try not to take your work and the worries that come with it with you home.

You are a beautiful person who's making the world better for these children. You have one of the most important jobs in the world sweetie and I love you for it.

//
Jen

Sweeners.....wow.

You are right. So much beauty, even in the midst of so much pain. I'm so happy that you got to experience that little slice of heaven on earth with your student at the beach. I know how powerful that must have been.

One thing you must always keep in mind is that the darkness of the world will always seek to dimish the light. It will tell you that you can't possibly make a difference, and while you cannot save every student and every person, the part you do play is a piece of a larger puzzle. Without your guidance, care and love, that is one less person those children will receive it from. As you know, they need every ounce, every moment, every chance. Giving that is what makes life worth living.

I do want you to be very careful about this uncle character. Although it hurts to find out one of your treasured students lied about you, she probably lied out of fear. As much as possible you should not react badly towards her and try to understand where she's coming from. She's perhaps too young to understand completely the ramifications of what she did by lying like that. I don't know how you should go about handling the uncle thing but whether you consult with school management or the police or speak directly to the uncle, I want you to be careful hon.

Remember my best friend from New Jersey I was telling you about at dinner? She does this same kind of work. You are doing such a crucial job. I know it's hard and often exhausting, but you are doing something very special. Something only special people can do.

Love you

nesseone said:

Love ya too

starkitty said:

Thank you Starkitty

Teacher said:

Thank you Jen I fear I am reaching a burn out state but thankfully there are only 10 days left of school and I hopefully will find a job in another less dramatic district by September. Your support has and does mean a lot to me. Thank you

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Supa One of my favorite orgers thanks for posting and as always understanding...

I have told the administration about what happned and I will be VERY careful of this man when I return to school on Monday.

I know not to blame the little girl I am just very disapointed in her.

Thank you SO much for your comments they DO mean a lot to me, more than you could guess.

Love you too

I have a tear running down my cheek, Sweeny. I commend you for the powerful, important, generous and touching work that you do.

CarrieMpls said:

Awwwww.....

Thank you very much sweets!

At first he was afraid, the sheer size of it amazed him. He said "I'm scared of all that big water" I said" don't be ", and I went and walked into the water up to my knees (Meanwhile everyone was glaring at me because the students were not supposed to actually go that close to the water but I thought fuck it this kid has seen so little he wants to touch the water...he's GONNA touch that ocean )


fuckin A!!!

Powerful it can be to see two different outcomes only after they exist, eerie all the same... yet beautiful to become aware and appreciate what came to be...

Life displays these kind of moments constantly... and I truly feel "we" have an enormous amount of power over our own fate whether we realize or accept it. Innersense or sense of calling that we follow... if you will.

Your profession... incredibly admirable, your soul and spirit... one I hope to truly meet and converse with face-to-face one day soon.

Very beautiful Kim... , you are beautiful... and this is a beautiful gift presented here today. Worth and an amazing amount of creditable stance.

Thank you for sharing, for this is so worth "time".

I was reading what you said and I was starting to get angry at the child.....and then I thought "Maybe she doesn't really understand what she's done?". I understand how hurt you would be, but don't let this stop you teaching. I can tell how much you love it by your reaction.

Freespirit said:

Thank you Julie....

I hope that you have as many beautiful experiences teaching your first year as I have had in mine... I just hope you have less aggravation then I have.

althom said:

Thank you bluebot!

I'm angry...very angry....but I do understand.... but even still the act of understanding why this little girl did this makes me more angry...angry at the people that have hurt her, angry at the society that we live in for allowing her to be as hurt as she is....

No Al, I won't stop teaching...if anything it makes me more determined to have more moments with these children like I did on the beach today. I'm tough, I can take whatever the world throws at me... and hopefully some of what the world throws at these children.

Thank you Kim... although don't forget I have years under my belt with teaching and children (9yrs +) and yes, I have had some very trying moments in the past. No way am I comparing... ( your profession), and I have never been in an environment with the majority dealing with behavior issues on so many different levels... or to such extremes. Now my family is a different story...

I have a strong sense of awareness to know... "we don't know what's in store", and it is not even in the realm of "fairytale" stories/events. (so far from it) We cannot save the world, nor can we be the higher Anarchy of Supreme Educated Elite Group (made that up). Although we can find supreme purpose for what we do and for why we choose to do it... I feel you find yours time and time again. It's about finding the peace within it all... even in the mist of chaos.

I look forward to my next journey and I feel fortunate to have taken a temporary step out, only to find where my heart truly resides.

~Beautiful Sigh... really.



[This message was edited Fri Jun 11 18:20:43 2004 by Freespirit]

Wow, what a story. I'm touched. Congratulations for all the good you do for those kids. You're wonderful.

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with that little girl. Kids don't realize the things they say, or the horrible things they can cause by making up a story like that in a moment of anger, especially when they've been influenced to be that way by something bad in their own lives. I've been in so many situations as a child where unstable or mean kids made up stories like that and I was attacked by their parents in my own yard. Now as a young adult I have horrible nightmares about things happening to me like what happened to you. I'm always so afraid of what I say or do around children, especially in situations where their parents are around or I'm responsible for them somehow.

I sincerely hope everything works out for the best with you and that girl and her uncle. It's such a scary and hurtful situation to be in. Good luck and hang in there. Let us know how it turns out if you don't mind. I'm worried for you.

Freespirit said:

hIsMiRRoR said:

I'm sorry for the pain you have gone through, really

and thank you for your concern

I'll update ya'll on Monday.

CarrieMpls said:

I second this, Sweeny. What you do is far too important to let a child's lie ruin your love for your work. Although I don't work with children I've been there, it pisses you off for a long time, but eventually it'll be just a bad memory that won't have an effect on your life.

Supernova said:

Thank you Supernova

I hope (know) that you are right!

....

I'm exhausted... ....but had to post on this thread. I'm glad you felt you could call me when so stressed about things in your life...*smile*

Let me know if you need me to kick your spiritual ass again anytime soon...

Byron said:

you KNOW I will


-----> ( Spiritual)

I just want to acknowledge the people who wrote me orgnotes instead of posting here... thank you everyone has been so kind to me