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PrintableSorry to raise an obvious point, but if one has cheated and doesn't tell and the betrayed finds out another way - wouldn't it hurt more if something was intentionally kept secret?
I would have thought i'd be far more fucked off if i found out from someone else than if the person told me directly. Probably.  | |
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Se7en said: Revealing is a selfish act . . . basically you're trying to tell your partner that he/she isn't enough, and that you had to go elsewhere. Like you're trying to "change" her to be more like what you had to go after.
One could make a spiritual decision to NOT tell, and devote one's self to their partner wholeheartedly. Doing is bad, telling is worse. Boo-ya. | |
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TheFrog said: Sorry to raise an obvious point, but if one has cheated and doesn't tell and the betrayed finds out another way - wouldn't it hurt more if something was intentionally kept secret?
I would have thought i'd be far more fucked off if i found out from someone else than if the person told me directly. Probably. Well... I guess you take that chance. I don't know if either is better, but I would think one would be very discretionary. | |
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If I had cheated on The Wife, and it was a one-off mistake I was sure I'd never repeat, I'd keep it to myself. The Wife would be un-aware and therfore not hurt. The guilt would be my punishment.
In answer to the bigger question, it's my opinion that everyone deserves another chance. I am a doctor remember.  | |
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starkitty said: TheFrog said: Sorry to raise an obvious point, but if one has cheated and doesn't tell and the betrayed finds out another way - wouldn't it hurt more if something was intentionally kept secret?
I would have thought i'd be far more fucked off if i found out from someone else than if the person told me directly. Probably. Well... I guess you take that chance. I don't know if either is better, but I would think one would be very discretionary. I guess so. I still think i might be willing to think about resolving things though, if someone was up front. Whereas if i found out from someone else i'd probably draw the line there and then. Or would I.  Guess it's hard to know until you're there. | |
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doctormcmeekle said: The Wife would be un-aware and therfore not hurt. The guilt would be my punishment.
To quote myself, "Boo-ya". | |
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Let me add some qualifiers:
No one got pregnant No one has an infectious disease In those instances, better suck it up and tell. | |
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JediMaster said: 319 said: I totally agree with starkitty. You've put 7 years into this relationship; whether you stay or go is a big decision. I've been with the same person for just over 7 years and while my initial, gut response if he cheated would be to dump him, but I know it's much more complicated than that. Since you clearly are not sure of what to do yet, what would it hurt to wait a bit to make your decision? Waiting also might give you an idea of how dedicated your partner is to making this right. Is he/she willing to wait and does he/she respect the difficult position they have put you in? Does your partner want to stay in the relationship? Lots of questions, I know. If you do chose to stay together, maybe consider some couples counseling. And whatever you do, do not get married to this person next month. There's no way your relationship will be fixed or fully over (depending on your decision) by May 17th. Good luck. 319 Totally concur with this. You need to take some time to figure things out. You are going to feel betrayed for a good long while, then you are going to question whether or not you can trust him again. I wouldn't be rash with ANYTHING. He was untrue to you, but had the guts to face the music. This doesn't excuse it, but it does show that he does at least care, even at the expense of being with you. He is allowing you to make an informed decision. Take some time to mull things over. Call off the wedding, take a break, then see if you still want to be with him in spite of this. Most importantly, take the time to soul-search. Any decision you make at this point, in either direction, you will second-guess later. If he truly loves you, he will wait for you to make the decision. I gotta agree with the above! Take some time and figure it out. If he's willing to wait, and you think you can build the trust back up again, eventually, it can all work out in the end. I've seen it happen. However, if after some time and thought you feel this is something you can never really get over, then you can go your separate ways then. |
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CarrieMpls said: JediMaster said: Totally concur with this. You need to take some time to figure things out. You are going to feel betrayed for a good long while, then you are going to question whether or not you can trust him again. I wouldn't be rash with ANYTHING. He was untrue to you, but had the guts to face the music. This doesn't excuse it, but it does show that he does at least care, even at the expense of being with you. He is allowing you to make an informed decision. Take some time to mull things over. Call off the wedding, take a break, then see if you still want to be with him in spite of this. Most importantly, take the time to soul-search. Any decision you make at this point, in either direction, you will second-guess later. If he truly loves you, he will wait for you to make the decision. I gotta agree with the above! Take some time and figure it out. If he's willing to wait, and you think you can build the trust back up again, eventually, it can all work out in the end. I've seen it happen. However, if after some time and thought you feel this is something you can never really get over, then you can go your separate ways then. Co-sign. | |
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Thanks for the help.
Interesting argument though about telling or not. If I may, just keep in mind that if I had to find out from say a friend, I could very easily argue that they were jealous (or something silly) and ruin a friendship when they were only trying tohelp. could you imagine the embarrassment of finding out the friend was correct!? I do have to think this over. _________________________________________
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Rule of thumb: Once a two-timer always a two-timer. I would not trust that guy ever. When there is no trust, there is NO relationship. If he really loved and respected you that fling of his would never of crossed his mind, he knew what he was doing.
Kick his ass to the curb. You gonna take him back every time he sleeps around? Bet ya he has slept with others that he dare not confess. 
Ohh purple joy oh purple bliss oh purple rapture! REAL MUSIC by REAL MUSICIANS - Prince "I kind of wish there was a reason for Prince to make the site crash more" ~~ Ben |
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moderatorhilton02895 said: Any advice? End it now. They did WHAT??!.... 
Org Sci-Fi Association | |
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hilton02895 said: Last week, my partner of 7 years told me that he had been cheating on me. He stated it only occurred once, several months ago,
I'm confused about: "had been cheating" and "only ocurred once." Had been cheating sounds like more than one time. And several months ago??? If I ever cheated, I don't think I could hold it in that long. I'm sure I would say something within a week. I would feel super guilty and dirty. | |
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Se7en said: Revealing is a selfish act . . . basically you're trying to tell your partner that he/she isn't enough, and that you had to go elsewhere. Like you're trying to "change" her to be more like what you had to go after.
One could make a spiritual decision to NOT tell, and devote one's self to their partner wholeheartedly. Doing is bad, telling is worse. It makes me think of that Sex and the City episode, when Charlotte is getting married, and Carrie tells Aidan that she cheated on him with Mr. Big. And though she had struggled with to tell/not to tell for the whole episode, he said that he wished she had never told him.
okay anyway, I'm lame. I mean, like, where is the sun? | |
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Wow. Some of you are merciless. I've known some very loving, caring, fabulous people who have fucked up big time. They were sorry, felt horrible and about died of the guilt and did what was necessary in their life to prevent any mistakes from happening again. I've never been a believer in "love means never having to say you're sorry", but I think throwing someone away after 7 years over one mistake can be giving up too quickly. It all depends on the circumstances, if both parties want the relationship to continue and if they feel they can eventually get past what happened. |
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CarrieMpls said: Wow. Some of you are merciless. I've known some very loving, caring, fabulous people who have fucked up big time. They were sorry, felt horrible and about died of the guilt and did what was necessary in their life to prevent any mistakes from happening again. I've never been a believer in "love means never having to say you're sorry", but I think throwing someone away after 7 years over one mistake can be giving up too quickly. It all depends on the circumstances, if both parties want the relationship to continue and if they feel they can eventually get past what happened.
I think a lot of these opinions are based on individual age and experience. You know? I lost all respect for Bill Cosby when I found out he cheated on his wife, because of the way he always presented himself (a la the Cosby Show). Now, older and wiser, I don't judge him as harshly because I don't know his personal situation. We all got our skeletons. It's up to us to deal with them. | |
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My advice? Dump her. She sounds like trouble to me.
hiltonbunchofnumbers, you really need to reevaluate your whole deal. Do you have what it takes to go on? This thread does not bode well for you. But we'll see how America votes. So far they're crap. So there is hope for you. | |
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Neversin said: MrSoundMan said: 7 years is a long time to make quick decisions.
7 years, 7 months, 7days... It doesn't make a difference, some people just need 7 days to know and feel something for someone else whereas some people need 7 years to get that same feeling... Neversin. all true. i dunno what i'd do. i hope i'd forgive, offer another chance. but, what does your inside feeling tell you? | |
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hilton02895 said: Last week, my partner of 7 years told me that he had been cheating on me. He stated it only occurred once, several months ago, and that he feels terrible for having hurt me so. Of course there was a big fight and I kicked him out of the house.
Now, the reason why I am asking for your help is because I went to my grandmother who stated I should follow my heart, his mother who pretty much quoted my grandmother, and my best friend who requested I dump my partner. I am torn because morally I feel betrayed and extremely disrespected. I do love my partner very much but, as I have explained to him several times, it's very difficult for me to trust someone and thus this betrayal has destroyed that trust. We were planning to get married May 17th when it is legal in MA but I want to call it off. I want to end the relationship but... Any advice? I would never stay with woman who cheated on me.Reguardless if we were together 6 months or 10 years.I think cheating is just as bad as physical violence.They both show a complete of respect and love in my book.And so the hell what if he feels terrible,he should.And your Grandmother gave fine advice.But when you follow your heart,alot of the time you wont make the right call.There's a time and place for the heart and fellings etc...This isn't it.Hilton let me ask you something.Do you think before your partner cheated on you that he went through what your going through right now?Thinking about your feelings,getting married or the seven years you've been together.Do yourself a huge favor and dont go back.It's going to take along time to get better,but when you do your going to be really damn proud of yourself that you stuck by your morals.Goodluck to you and be good to yourself! | |
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once a liar/cheat always a liar/cheat.....get out while you can  
I'm sure you can do better 
my  In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. |
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Seems to me that the reason behind the cheating is important. The cause, and whether or not it is fixable, should lead you to an answer you can live with.
In any case, this person came to you and told you the truth. If it were me, that would matter enough for me to at least hang around long enough to try to understand what happened. | |
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I would never forgive cheating, but then again I have never been in a serious relationship for 7 years. I also have a problem with forgiveness in general. I have always stated that if someone cheats on me or leaves me for someone else then they were never really "mine" in the first place and therefore move on. This may also be the reason I don't get jealous
Since you've been together for so long, I would suggest having a serious discussion, perhaps couples counseling. I'm assuming there is great love between you, which I have yet to experience [This message was edited Tue Apr 27 23:11:38 2004 by Janfriend] | |
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Janfriend said: I have always stated that if someone cheats on me or leaves me for someone else then they were never reallt "mine" in the first place and therefore move on. This may also be the reason I don't get jealous
This is incredibly Zen, incredibly wise. | |
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starkitty said: Janfriend said: I have always stated that if someone cheats on me or leaves me for someone else then they were never reallt "mine" in the first place and therefore move on. This may also be the reason I don't get jealous
This is incredibly Zen, incredibly wise. Honestly, when I'm in love, I'm IN LOVE. No one should spew "I love you" out of their mouths unless they truly mean it. When I love someone, I'm not looking at anybody else and I make sure I put in check anyone who tries to hook up with me. I am "theirs" though I am not property. I don't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. If I start to feel any less about a relationship, I will communicate that with my partner before I take off my clothes and get naked with someone else who didn't even put in the time and dedication that my partner did with me. People are giving away their bodies too easily and for what? Where's his reward for his cheating? Where did it pay off? | |
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I would like to say thank you to all who reponded with their advice on how to handle my unfaithful partner. I have made a decision. After a very long discussion with my partner, he has agreed to attend couples therapy. I have postoned the wedding for a year depending the reults of the therapy. Finally, he is staying with his parents until I feel he is trust worthy again. _________________________________________
You'll find the back of my hand displeasing. (Shake) The bun is in your mind. (Meatwad) | |
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hilton02895 said: I would like to say thank you to all who reponded with their advice on how to handle my unfaithful partner. I have made a decision. After a very long discussion with my partner, he has agreed to attend couples therapy. I have postoned the wedding for a year depending the reults of the therapy. Finally, he is staying with his parents until I feel he is trust worthy again.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong | |
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SimonCowell said: My advice? Dump her. She sounds like trouble to me.
hiltonbunchofnumbers, you really need to reevaluate your whole deal. Do you have what it takes to go on? This thread does not bode well for you. But we'll see how America votes. So far they're crap. So there is hope for you. Good lawrd!!!!!  | |
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| You already had so much advise, I couldn't ad anything important.
I just think you should at least postpone the wedding, talk to your partner a lot and take a little distance. The fact he told you about it does say something I think. But you need to be sure what you want before you put yourself in this relationship a 100% again.
Hang in there, you'll be alright! Just take your time. | |
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