Last week, my partner of 7 years told me that he had been cheating on me. He stated it only occurred once, several months ago, and that he feels terrible for having hurt me so. Of course there was a big fight and I kicked him out of the house.

Now, the reason why I am asking for your help is because I went to my grandmother who stated I should follow my heart, his mother who pretty much quoted my grandmother, and my best friend who requested I dump my partner. I am torn because morally I feel betrayed and extremely disrespected. I do love my partner very much but, as I have explained to him several times, it's very difficult for me to trust someone and thus this betrayal has destroyed that trust.

We were planning to get married May 17th when it is legal in MA but I want to call it off. I want to end the relationship but...

Any advice?

My gut feeling: i could never fully trust my partner again, so if i was in your place and did got married, i'll always wonder... And that feeling would really start gnawing (sp?) at me.

BUT, that's my mental make-up. Yours maybe different.

7 years is a long time to make quick decisions. work it through, or talk about it a lot, before you come to conclusions about what to do.

Dr. Coke will give you an advice based on long studies, a Ph.D in relationshipology and clinical experience in the ..uhm .. field.

In scientific terms you should - as we researchers like to put it - kick'im to the curb.

Right... end of consultation

MrSoundMan said:

I agree 100%. Make sure you're sure of yourself whether you decide to stay with him or dump him.

Call me an old fashioned gal but personally I could never forgive infidelity , there would always be a nagging suspicion in the back of your mind and the bond of trust has be broken

Saying that tho , Ive never been in such a situation . You should indeed follow your heart and if you can find it to forgive him , I wish you both the best of luck and much happiness

Much love Sunny Funny Face

hilton02895 said:

Fuck 'em, just dump him... If you forgive him he'll only think that it's okay to cheat on you... Don't ever trust him again, cos he obviously has no respect for you...

Neversin.

MrSoundMan said:

7 years, 7 months, 7days... It doesn't make a difference, some people just need 7 days to know and feel something for someone else whereas some people need 7 years to get that same feeling...

Neversin.

Neversin said:

I once cheated, on my childhood sweetheart of a few years. I had a lot of respect for her, but just made a big clanger of a fuck up. She forgave me and things were cool for a bit, but then we split up for other reasons. It's not impossible to work things out, just takes a lot of trust, effort, and both genuine regret and masses of expensive gifts on the part of the cheater.

Sometimes it is impossible though. Fuck, what do i know - having been a cheater I ain't got a leg to stand on. Ignore me - carry on, people.

[This message was edited Mon Apr 26 10:41:40 2004 by TheFrog]

TheFrog said:

Cheater!!

CokeJohnson said:

TheFrog said:

CokeJohnson said:

She was very beautiful though.

TheFrog said:

Ohh!! well in that case it's ok to cheat











































(or maybe not)

Neversin said:

Oh and don't let him buy your trust back since I gather you are not for sale, dumb guys usually try to do that and even dumber girls fall for it...

Neversin.

Take a break, a solid break if you can do it, for a month. Sift through your thoughts...

You know the answer to this. No one else but you, although it will take clarity to reach it.

What did your partner hope to gain by telling you - except for hurting you? There was no need to unbridle his or her soul. I truly believe if you stray once, there are no feelings there and you know you will not continue the pattern, you really should not reveal it. Your partner should have worked it out on his own, seriously.

But now you know. If it was a complete and utter surprise to you, you don't know your partner very well and maybe never will.

2 cents on your way out, please.

CokeJohnson said:

Nah, i'm gonna go to hell.

TheFrog said:

LOL.

I know im young and prob want listen, but i have been a few relationships where this has happened, but i was never with that person for as long as u are.

so

Being in a relationship is all about trust, and if my other half would ever do that 2 me, i dont fink i could trust her ever again, U gotta remember, what is best for the future?, going back 2 him now, could be the same at the start, but when walkin down the street with him, and he was looking at over people, could u put up with that? U would get more and more worryed about if he will cheat again, and doing that could push him away.

so if this was me, its gonna be 1 of the hardest things Ur ever gona do, but leave him, for ur benifit.


good luck, i hope ur happy at the end of this

i wish u all the best

starkitty said:

I totally agree with starkitty. You've put 7 years into this relationship; whether you stay or go is a big decision. I've been with the same person for just over 7 years and while my initial, gut response if he cheated would be to dump him, but I know it's much more complicated than that.

Since you clearly are not sure of what to do yet, what would it hurt to wait a bit to make your decision? Waiting also might give you an idea of how dedicated your partner is to making this right. Is he/she willing to wait and does he/she respect the difficult position they have put you in? Does your partner want to stay in the relationship? Lots of questions, I know.

If you do chose to stay together, maybe consider some couples counseling. And whatever you do, do not get married to this person next month. There's no way your relationship will be fixed or fully over (depending on your decision) by May 17th.

Good luck.

319

starkitty said:

interesting

TheFrog said:

No, I totally agree with you, and I've been on the other end of it. My ex-wife cheated on me. She still, to this very day, feels bad about it (we didn't divorce for that reason, it should be noted). I have forgiven her completely, although it took a long time for me to get over it.

marcdeondotcom said:

What does revealing solve? It's selfish, when you get down to it.

319 said:

Totally concur with this. You need to take some time to figure things out. You are going to feel betrayed for a good long while, then you are going to question whether or not you can trust him again. I wouldn't be rash with ANYTHING. He was untrue to you, but had the guts to face the music. This doesn't excuse it, but it does show that he does at least care, even at the expense of being with you. He is allowing you to make an informed decision.

Take some time to mull things over. Call off the wedding, take a break, then see if you still want to be with him in spite of this. Most importantly, take the time to soul-search. Any decision you make at this point, in either direction, you will second-guess later. If he truly loves you, he will wait for you to make the decision.

starkitty said:

I totally agree.

marcdeondotcom said:

Oh. Ok.

Ignore my defensiveness, please

There's no excuse for infidelity, I don't care what it is. Too often, people use the excuse of being drunk or needing to feel "wanted" again . . .

If your partner didn't want you, you'd be gone!

I think if someone needed to experience another lover, then they should break up with you first (that's my opinion). Then, let them take their chances with that "new" person.

IF, after experiencing that new affair, it turns out to be sour and they come running back to you, apologizing and realizing how great you are, then that's OK (again, in my opinion).

At least then, they were up front about their feelings and the "trust" wasn't really broken beyond repair.

Infidelity is trust-broken-beyond-repair. If there are no kids involved, let them go.

Revealing is a selfish act . . . basically you're trying to tell your partner that he/she isn't enough, and that you had to go elsewhere. Like you're trying to "change" her to be more like what you had to go after.

One could make a spiritual decision to NOT tell, and devote one's self to their partner wholeheartedly.

Doing is bad, telling is worse.

Se7en said:

Probably just feeling guilty.