Personally I do not want children. I don't have the drive for it. I love kids but the thought of being responsible for children of my own isn't appealing to me.

There is one issue in particular that prevents me from wanting children. Not having the ability to give birth. One of my best friends used to talk about us having a baby together and certainly I'm capable (unless I'm steriled and don't know it) of producing children but I envy a mother for being the one that carries the child and brings it into this world.

I would hardly feel like I took enough part in the process and even though I would raise my child with all the love I could give it, I wouldn't feel like I was as close to the child as the mother. This isn't a feeling I want to experience.

Any other guys feel like this?

Add the straight guy edit....
[This message was edited Thu Feb 5 11:29:53 PST 2004 by SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy]

Is this question just for the gay guys... cuz, I'd like to offer my

June7 said:

Co-sign.

June7 said:

Absolutely not. The question is open for anyone who'd want to chime in. I didn't think straight guys had these kinds of feelings. Oh wait I did mention about not feeling as close to the child as the mother which is something many fathers probably do deal with.

Changing the title of the thread right now.

i desperately want to be an adopted father. i think child rearing is the ultimate dream in my life.

I hate kids. I think they should put something in the water to sterilise everybody and once we're all dead, we should give the ants a chance to rule the world next.

I'm together with a young father and also in that case, there is a litle bit more of a distance between me and the child then there is between them. I never wanted children of my own but I don't mind having them around. The more time you spend with them the more they will be attached to you, no matter how genetically related you are; and the more you start caring for them.

Personally, seeing how close my friend is with his young daughter; I don't think that giving birth is an ultimate criteria to value the bond you have, or might have, with a kid.

zobilamouche said:

very true.

zobilamouche said:

I agree. But for me personally i would almost feel cheated in the experience. Kind of like I only stuck it in and that's it. The woman gets to experience parenthood on so many more levels than a man.

As a mother I can tell you that eventhough (or maybe because of) giving birth to my two children I had a hard time bonding with them.
After giving birth I felt raped, I lost total control over my body and it was extreemly painfull.
The bonding took place in the weeks after I started to feel a little better. So my hubby bonded with both children first.
I think bonding has more to do with the contact you have while feeding (and carying your child around all over the place 'cause otherwise it won't be calm).
Just cuddling and petting a little baby a lot (most hours of the day) will make anybody bond with the child.
I read somewhere that that even goes for older children that are adopted as long as they had a chance to bond as a baby before being adopted.
So I would like to say that anybody could raise a child as long as they are open to the intense time it takes to be with a child enough to be able to bond.
And that it can also be very hard for some women to bond with their child.

(thanks supa)

Ahem!


Obviously my wife gave birth to the three kids we have. I was "there" for her during all of these births, but not as much with the first child as I was for the last two.

At age 22, I was too young and foolish to have become a father. I wasn't ready, but here she came anyway. I wasn't involved in her schooling or anything.

We separated when my daughter was only two. I went back to San Diego, and she stayed in Orange County.

We we got back together, we had two more children. This time (at age 30) I was so much more ready. I was there completely - through the pregnancy, through the child rearing and even now that they're in school. I'm Vice-President of the school Parent Club as well as the creator of the Monthly Calendar.

I was a "Stay at home Dad" for over four years... getting them up, feeding them, teaching them... loving them. I've come around for my daughter Melly too. We are closer than ever and it just gets better and better each day.

I guess it's not a matter of carrying the child... it's a matter of what you do afterward. Anybody can "father" or "give birth" to a child... it takes a great person to be a real Mother or Dad.


Go for it, if you're ready.

Whateva said:

Wow, thanks for sharing honestly. I never really expected a woman to say she had problems bonding with her child. In what way did you feel raped. Just from the actual physical experience of childbirth or was it becoming a parent when you didn't want to? I'm trying to understand what you mean when you said you felt raped.

June7 said:

go daddy! go daddy!

Whateva said:

Thanks.

Being a "Da-da" has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I can tell you first hand that the process is really up to the father.

During the whole pregnency, I was there. I went to EVERY single doctor appointment. When my wife was uncomphortable and couldn't sleep at night, I was up with her (not that she'd let me go back to sleep) and rub her head or tummy until she fell back asleep.

After birth, I've been with them for every check up. The closeness comes with the one on one time. Sometimes I sneak out of bed early in the morning on the weekend and let my wife sleep in. I take my son for walks around the lake, we feed bread to the ducks, stuff like that. When ever I have to go to the store for something, I put him in the car with me. It's the quality time that we spend alone together that forms the bond.

Now when he gets hurt, and I'm around, he runs to me. When he wants to play, he runs to me. When he wants to sleep, he runs to her. I've noticed that when I come up with creative ideas for play time, he is "wowed" and drawn to me more.

I also am the sole bread winner, so I'm always working my tail off to barely cover the bills. So the amount of time I spend with him is slim. BUT I do make it count, every time.

The little BIG things that matter.
Dinner time: BE THERE! (although I only make about 3 a week)

Bath time: Have fun! drag it out until his toes shrivel up, make a mess, it's ok. Just make the time.

Morning: this is a hard one, but make him/her breakfast and spend that early morning time alone.

Although I have no idea what he is saying at this point, when he talks babble to me, I just sit down on the floor so we are at eye level and listen. He is telling me something! It's his attention that matters most.

We are like best buds and I don't want to miss a thing.

Oh, by the way. We have another little one on the way. 2 may be enough. (ok, maybe 3)

Increase and multiply!




and I was just getting caught up on sleep!

I want to have a biological child/children and adopt. I don't fear being able to bond with them, whichever case it may be.

i have no doubt that I would bond with my child. I would actually be fiercely protective. I suppose this is more about me than the child. I would have no problem bonding, loving, caring and raising a child. However I would feel cheated in the experience.

madartista said:

My fear isn't in the ability to bond. Like I said, I would kind of feel cheated. Perhaps it's because I have a very strong connection with my feminine side that it feels like I'm supposed to be the one experiencing the mother role.

A few years back, I actually attempted to help a lesbian couple I knew have a baby - there was a lot of discussion about legalities and what-ifs and all that stuff, and the deal was that I'd basically be considered a sperm donor, but if I wanted, I could be part of the kid's life like an uncle or a godfather, and if I was okay with it, the kid would eventually be told that I was the biological father.

I was all for the idea, and we gave it a few goes, but alas the couple broke up during the process and so alas, no baby.

For me, the idea was perfect, and I'm still a little sad that the plan didn't go forward. I love the idea of playing a part in a child's development, but honestly, I don't know if I'm at a place in my life where I could be a good full-time parent. I would like to think that one day I'll feel centered enough, and have a nourishing enough family (of choice or otherwise) that I'd feel comfortable with raising a kid of my own, whether it be via adoption or other means.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

well for one thing, when it comes to being a father, you gets left behind period.

There is no more you, her, or "other". It's just the child. The "experience" is deffinately up to whether your just "there" and taking part in it or not.

As far as WANTING to feel the pain and agoney of pushing something out of your body, well...

I can't help you there.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Well, that's hard to explain, it's like nature takes total contole over your body and everything hurts. Up untill the child actualy got born I felt panic. I didn't want it to hurt me and I nearly blamed the baby (emotionaly that is).
It's like a machine starts and nothing will stop it till the child is born.
I did want to have the children. I have some bad experiences with being out of control over my own body in the past that might have caused these feelings so it is probably a psycholical thing.
But what I ment to say is that you can bond with a child no matter who you are.
As long as you love the child and spend lots of intimate child / parent moment with your child you can be an even better parent than some that did actualy gave birth to the child.

nah each one his/her role the mamma carries the child
the papa, the conception

yamomma said:

CONGRATS!!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Sorry, but if it was up to me, you could have the experience anytime, I didn't want it. But that ofcouse is just my experience. I think I understand a little what you mean. I also envy the woman that are on cloud9 all the time after they gave birth. And if they talk about breastfeeding and how wonderful that can be.
But for me, never ever again!

The pain of childbirth isn't the thing I'd want to experience. It's everything else about it. I once had a dream in which I was in my gramdother's old house and I was naked. I walked to a giant standing mirror and saw that I was a woman and that I was pregnant! I could feel the baby moving inside me.

I think this issue for me has more to do with the connection I have to my femaleness and not the act of bonding.

I am the Father of three girls and I don't feel like I have been cheated at all. I cannot speak for a woman exactly what she goes through and feels having a baby inside of her, so I really don't know if there is an extra bond between mother and child because of it. But I do not feel cheated or less connected with my daughters.

And there are all kinds of dynamics that go into all different relationships that determines bonds and attachments. How many times do you see a Mother have a terrible relationship with one or more of her kids? I have also talked to some adoptive parents and they don't seem to feel any less connected. Even ones who have their own children and adopted children also, they often say they "forget" which one(s) were adopted and which are their "real" ones.

a really wonderful book to read about motherhood is "mother nature" by sarah blaffer hrdy (yes, that's h-r-d-y). it will make you look at motherhood in a whole new light.

bwt, excellent thread supa.

I used to have similar feelings too. I dont really love all kids like some people do, I dont hate them or anything, I just dont get all exited by them like some other people do. Therefore, before we decided to have kids I was very concerned that I would not connect with our child.

I can tell you, from my experience, that my fears were ill- founded. I bonded within weeks of their births and love them so much it hurts. Not having carried them in my stomach hasn't effected that at all (in fact, after seeing what women go through I'm thrilled).

It all seems very abstract before it happens, all I can say is that after they are born the bonding is no problem at all and I never feel like I missed out on anything (other than pain).

bkw said:

Gotcha

I guess I'm a rare bird. In that dream I had I could feel the baby moving inside and i had an emotion about that feeling. When I woke up, it was with the realization that it would be an emotion I'd never be able to experience in real life. Oh well, if only in a dream...at least I had it once.

2 to up edit....
[This message was edited Thu Feb 5 15:14:25 PST 2004 by SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy]

Actually physically having a kid has got to be an amazing experience...it always seems to me that when I talk to women who have given birth, it's always a matter of perspective as to what it's like. Some women say it's a nightmare, others say it's a wonderful experience that they want to do again. I've never really thought about the fact that it's something I'll never experience in life, or at least I've never really bemoaned that fact.