Guys and girls, I need your advice on this.

This past weekend, we were having dinner and I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to put both of our names on our christmas gifts for friends and family. We bought separate gifts because of our work schedules but I was asking if he wanted to do it just because we're a couple and I thought it would be sweet.

He thought I was doing it to be cheap and let him know I already had gifts, I just wanted to combine them. He always gets my family the wrong kinds of gifts and I usually always get everyone what they want, so I was doing it to be a good girlfriend.


He said his friend Dave always asks him the same thing and I just had to tell him, "look, I am not Dave. I am your girlfriend."
He then responded, "We are not married so we don't need to do that".


I just need to know, am I being out of line here? We have been together for like 2 and a half years, maybe if we were together like 2 months that would be a little bitchy of me to do, but I don't see what the deal is.

Is it really that uncommon for a couple to go in on gifts?

dump him.

Man doesn't it suck that he has all that green fur? Or that he's so obsessed with those Whos down in Whoville?

Seriously though, you weren't out of line. Still, he obviously feels threatened by the concept on the two of you doing this together, so you should probably back off. Is this a sign that he is a bit commitment phobic? Probably, but that is an entirely different issue. I think, after you've been together for a couple of years, that he shouldn't have a problem with this, as it is a natural progression for the relationship. Still, I wouldn't press the issue at this point.

Milty said:

But yeah, get rid of him !

JediMaster said:

Ha! First part was funny but glad you answered seriously.

Commitmentphobia? I think he does have that. It seems to me when everything is going fine and we are becoming closer, he starts doing things that make fights happen. And then tries to put the blame on me which seems to my friends very cruel and hurtful. But you are right about his commitment issues, maybe that should be saved for another time.

And do I think that it is a natural progression for the relationship. Why does he think by doing this, I am chopping off his balls?

You are right, I am not going to press the issue at this point. I know my gifts will be better because he may spend more money on them, but I put more thought and time into my gifts. I am not gonna lie though but this really hurts me and I like to think of myself as a strong person. I love this guy with all my heart and he says he loves me to, but sometimes, I want action to speak.

Blueview said:

I don't know. It's a shame that people think relationships are so disposable. It's something to think about with his commitment issue though.

lesa said:

Auw, I wish I thought that way then I wouldn't be in pain right now (and the last 7 months) !

Blueview said:

I guess that is what I am trying to avoid because I love him so much. I think he can be the greatest guy but he is so afraid of getting hurt by love that he closes himself off to me with stupid stuff like sharing gifts. And in all honesty, I think that is a sad way to live that you have more of a fear of this person breaking your heart than making you the happiest man alive. I just wish sometimes he wouldn't be so scared of losing his independance and thinking I am going to hurt him, because what that does is hurt me when all I want to do is have fun and just be in love.

he isn't scared. that is just a ploy to get what he wants.


working out problems is overrated. it rarely works out in the end. don't wait too long before you are really committed and stuck with a kid or something else.

coqui said:

What do you mean to get what he wants?

Stuck with a kid? You have to have sex to have a kid and we haven't had sex in over two months.

lesa said:

I don't know that the attitude here is that relationships are "disposable", as much as a warning that allowing someone to consistently humiliate their partner and/or powertrip never works out. Women spend far too much of their time thinking that if they just love their men more, or better than anyone else ever has, that they're going to cure them of their selfishness. So many women think that they can help take away all of the negative personality traits of their partner, and cause him to trust again and be his "real self", so they give and give and give and get hurt over and over and wonder why it's not working. We point out all of the bad things that happened to them to explain why they do nasty things, when "why" doesn't really matter. We could talk about "why" till the end of time. The fact of the matter is that if a person is being treated poorly and they don't stand up for themselves, and keep giving in and taking shit just to keep the relationship alive--that's sad and can ultimately break a person's positive spirit.

AnotherLoverToo said:

And that is why I want to fight him on things like this. I don't want to continue being walked on and I don't want him to think it is o.k. to treat me this way because he has commitment issues. It's been two days since he has called me and I do not think I should be the one to call him.

AnotherLoverToo said:

very true and great sig line!
[This message was edited Tue Dec 16 9:12:20 PST 2003 by Sweeny79]

coqui said:

hello ice

lesa said:

Since he likes doin ya cold...put him out in the cold

rdhull said:

Seems like you put a lot of thought into your answer. There is no one who can tell me thier point of view and try to defend his actions? Is it really that uncommon?

lesa, your boyfriend and i are walking down the same road. thank you and everyone here who contributed to this thread as it has shed much light on my situation.

no sex in two months?!?!?

he definitely has commitment issues. i'm having them at 7 months though. 2.5 years is a bit extreme.

my advice, back off. let him see what he has. And if it's meant to be, he'll come around and come around big. rdhull was right. don't dump him just give him a bit of that cold shoulder that he's giving you.
[This message was edited Tue Dec 16 9:59:01 PST 2003 by marcdeondotcom]

marcdeondotcom said:

Your advice is right but, I have backed off before. Why do I have to back off every three months? I mean, why do we keep having to have step backwards? The next time I back off, I think it should be permanant. I am tired of the arguments because he won't act grown and has to be scared.

MEN!

lesa said:

oh well.. i'm sorry to say but it will be his loss. you love him, no doubt, but in the end you've got to take care of #1. if you're not happy then how will you make him happy. it's a cycle that i've caught on to in my own relationship where my partner is reading into my phobias & insecurities and becoming unhappy. this makes me unhappy and then it's like.. "why are we even together"?
it's all about communication and we're each getting better about that. get your man to express his feelings, doubts or whatever and by all means communicate what you are feeling towards him before you kick him to the curb.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I seem to attract women who do the exact same thing to me. My current relationship (if I can even call it that anymore) is in a similar state, with her rarely calling me. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm not calling her, because I'm just so tired of trying to figure out where we stand. She now hasn't called me since Thanksgiving. I've tried to be patient ansd understanding, but I don't need the grief. I love her, but I can't beat my head against the wall forever hoping that she'll come around and let me love her.

Your boyfriend and my Boss should get together.. My boss is a big ol grinch too!

BabyCakes said:

You're just so damned cute!

JediMaster said:

Well thank you...

Kick him in the balls and don't give him any presents. And maybe go out with his friend Dave

HerRoyalBadness said:

I hate Dave. He talks so much shit about me. Sometimes, I think Dave is gay and has a thing for my man.
[This message was edited Tue Dec 16 12:09:04 PST 2003 by lesa]

lesa said:

Oh...! Well, then kick your boyfriend, kick Dave (twice!), and don't give any of them presents.

















And yeah...if Dave asks your boyfriend if he wants to put both of their names on the presents...he's probably gay

BabyCakes said:

(obeying your signature):

HerRoyalBadness said:

Sounds to me like your boyfriend's buddy is all about the pole. Sounds like he's jealous, 'cuz he wants your boyfriend all to himself. Does your boyfriend disagree with this? Just curious if he doesn't see it. I mean, he wants to put both their names on a present together? If any buddy of mine wanted to do that I'd automatically think it quite odd.
[This message was edited Tue Dec 16 13:04:02 PST 2003 by JediMaster]

Sweeny79 said:

Thanks, Sweeny!