if you haven't seen this yet, enjoy!

(and no, i don't call it "the pit of death"!)


December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue.. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols .. feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.


Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



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December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



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December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES



Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.


Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director



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December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?


Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director



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December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."



Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces



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December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch from Hell



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December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
[This message was edited Wed Dec 10 8:16:17 PST 2003 by IAmTheTouch]

IAmTheTouch said:

'nana-dahling!!!

"Hydroponic tomatoes"

Hydroponic!

what are those?

conch5184 said:

tomatoes not grown in soil but water, hence the "Hydro" in "hydroponics".

sinisterpentatonic said:

of course


is that simply advantageous because they're organic? are they juicier? do they taste different?

conch5184 said:

I've never had them either (not knowingly), but hydroponic weed on the other hand it makes it so much more potent and tastier.

sinisterpentatonic said:

Like I always say, it's impotent to smoke the hydro ponic potent sheeit!

conch5184 said:

Hydroponic vegetables are grown in a fiberous material, I think coconut fiber is used alot, different nutrient liquids are circulated thru the fiber. The advantage being that you are constantly feeding the plant the nutrients it wants the plant grows quicker and stronger. I am not sure of any down side to the system besifes price, both for the start up equipment and the supply of fertilizer. I have seen systems using both organic and chemical fertilizer. I'm content with my raised bed gardens for now.

paintsprayer said:

ummm... this is really not about hydroponics, guys...

IAmTheTouch said:

What do you mean? I went back and checked.

I got this by email a few days ago and nearly posted it.

paintsprayer said:

touche!

bkw said:

well, since it went over like a lead balloon, be glad you didn't!

IAmTheTouch said:

I guess you're the only ones who find hydroponics amusing.

mcmeekle said:

didn't i see you at the Hydroponics Anonymous meeting the other day?!

IAmTheTouch said:

Nope.

It clashed with my Masturbators Anonymous meeting.

mcmeekle said:

i don't go to those



















































anymore.

after all those changes what the hell is the point of having this party