Dear fellow .orgers,

Greetings from Matt and Mel!ssa (tackam)! As we post this, we are by each other’s side in the W Hotel in Seattle, where we have been enjoying each other’s company.

Put simply, we are deeply in love with each other, and we want to share our joy with everyone here at the .org.

We figure that some of you will have questions about our relationship, and in this post, we’ll do our best to answer some of the questions we think you might have. Because we're big freakin’ nerds, we’ve neatly organized things into a very informative question-and-answer format. If there’s anything else you want to know, just ask—for the most part, we’ll be happy to answer.


Question: Aren’t you two both married to other people?

Mel!ssa: “Yeah, and as many of you know, my husband and I are polyamorous, meaning that we are open to intimate relationships with other people.”

Matt: “I have a divorce petition pending in court. I do not yet have a dissolution of marriage decree, and until I do (probably by the end of September), I remain legally married to my wife. However, she and I have agreed that we are free to seek other partners. Our marriage has essentially ended—we just have some legal and other matters to wind up.”


Question: Matt, are you polyamorous too?

Matt: “Yes.”


Question: This polyamory thing sounds interesting. How can I learn more?

Two good online resources are the alt.polyamory FAQ and the Loving More FAQ.

As for books, we both like Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits, by Dr. Deborah M. Anapol (1997). While a bit new-agey for our tastes, this book does a good job of explaining the philosophy behind polyamory, as well as giving some idea of what functional poly relationships can look like.

We also recommend The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (1997). Despite the title, it’s about more than sex—the book contains a lot of discussion about relationships that even monogamous people might find beneficial. Although some folks disagree, many others consider The Ethical Slut to be something of a “Polyamory 101” course.


Question: Is this “swinging”?

No. Swinging, at least to us, is simply recreational sex with multiple partners. By contrast, we have a much broader, deeper relationship. Neither of us is particularly opposed to swinging, but it’s not what we ultimately want for ourselves.


Question: Both of you have been in the online Prince community for many years, and you never interacted much, did you?

No, we didn’t. Matt has been around for about eight years, Mel!ssa just slightly less, and we didn’t become friends (and then partners) until very recently. It’s interesting, but in a way we’re glad because we think that any attempt to have a relationship back in the “olden days” would have failed. We’re different people now than we were back then.


Question: Is this a “real” relationship?

We think it is. If it weren’t, we probably wouldn’t be willing to deal with the geographical distance between us. Mel!ssa lives here in Seattle, and Matt lives in Indianapolis. The two cities are over 2,000 miles apart. We have each experienced online long-distance relationships in the past, as well as more traditional relationships, and we do not feel that they are essentially different on an emotional level. The question is, is it more “real” to fall in love with a body or a mind? We know what our answer to that question is. Nonetheless, it has been important to us to meet face-to-face and make sure that this thing between us “works” on a practical level in person. So far, so good. So good.


Question: How are you going to deal with the distance issue?

In the short term, we’re going to be racking up a lot of frequent flyer miles. As for the long term, we don’t know. But we do know it’s an issue we need to deal with, and we’ve been discussing several possibilities. As time goes on and our relationship develops, we hope to work out a solution. We’ll let you know.


Question: Mel!ssa, how does your husband feel about this?

Aforementioned husband, Martin: It is a big step into unknown. I would be lying if I said that being poly is somehow easy or that it comes naturally. However, I am excited about the whole thing and want to give it a try. It appeals to my unconventional freaky side. So far my friends have been supportive, though I don't know how my parents will feel about it. In some ways I view it as a test of limits. My limits and the limits of the society I live in. Perhaps by knowing those limits it will become easier to transcend them.


Question: How do your parents feel about this?

Mel!ssa: “After an initial ‘freak out’ period from my mother, followed by lots of questions and discussion, everything is OK. My dad got his B.A. in anthropology and actually recognizes polyamory as a very valid, and not that uncommon, way for people to have relationships, so he was very chill about it. Really, my parents are awesome.”

Matt: “My parents have been very supportive. They already had some understanding of polyamory, so the concept wasn’t foreign to them. Coincidentally, my father is an anthropologist, and he too recognizes that there is nothing unnatural about polyamory. According to him, most primates are not monogamous.

While they are quite content with their traditional, monogamous relationship, they have no problem with me being polyamorous. Ultimately what they want is for me to be happy. Looking back upon my ‘coming out’ to them as polyamorous, I don’t think I could have gotten a better response.”


Question: Matt, you’re a moderator on the .org. How can we be sure that you’ll be fair with respect to any moderation issues involving Mel!ssa?

Matt: “I’ve discussed this with the rest of the .org moderators. Basically, I’m going to recuse myself from any moderation issues involving Mel!ssa that might arise. I want to avoid any appearance of possible favoritism.”

Mel!ssa: “I initially demanded that I be granted all possible special privileges, but then Matt told me that all he can really do for me is delete my account. Take-home message: don’t bother fucking a moderator unless you actually like them. Otherwise, there's really nothing in it for ya.


Conclusion

We know that this relationship may seem strange to some people. We don’t expect everyone to understand it. All we ask is that people treat us the same as they would any other couple. Or, perhaps treat us as you would treat a somewhat-more-fabulous-than-average couple, because we are really quite fabulous.

With our best wishes for all,

Matt and Mel!ssa
Seattle
August 31, 2003

Phew we can talk about it now

Congrats guys... Although I don't pretend to understand such relationships, I hope you guys bring each other a lot of happiness.

tackam said:

Steal me a towel!

woo-hoo!!!

2the9s said:

just a towel? no teeny bottles of shampoo, no ashtrays, no matchbooks, none of that?

you're bein too modest, 9s.

tackam said:

What a terrible thing to say!

Matt...as in Matt the moderator?! :O

I forgot to ask - how did the first meeting in real life go? That musta been mad!

teller said:

Yeah... I should have known being a cam-whore was the way to get the Org chicks

teller said:

That's the one.

OH MY GOD!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

oh, HOW cool!

for both of you!

You guys are an Item?

2the9s said:

The hotel invites you to take all sorts of stuff from the room. Only problem is that they'll tack the (extremely inflated) price onto your bill.

matt said:

You mean your bill!

Lleena said:

Did you READ the whole thing, honey?

Yes.

tackam said:

But aren't you married?

ian said:

(start best Tricky voice) Fine. (end Tricky)

Lleena said:

:O

Well...shit...who knew?

Congratulations, you two! You know, of course, that I find this all very weird and strange, but may you go where no couple has gone before!

tackam said:

It's the Poly thing! Oops!

Lleena said:

Keep reading, sweety.

tackam said:

Now you tell me!

I'm not bothered by the polyamorous thing, just surprised that two people from the org are dating - and I NEVER saw it coming!

Congrats, guys!

2the9s said:

Shut it. I only skimmed it before. Then I read it properly

<--- never saw the two of them interact on here...stunned :O

I also wanted to let you all know that my wife and I are practising polyphonic ringtones.

I downloaded a nice tune earlier, and so far I like it a lot.

Lleena said:

You know they're in a hotel, right?

mcmeekle said:

Ah bugger, the game is up then

Boy I bet the Orgnotes are flying now!

2the9s said:

Yes, they're posting in thier dressing gowns!