O.k., now I am not one who starts up threads... nor asks questions. *smile* Although tonight... as with many nights... I feel highly, extremely reflective... sort of a review towards life.

Now where to begin, not sure... perhaps simply write, as the feelings/thoughts are born.

Some of you know that I work/interact with many beautiful people who have and are living with terminal cancer, it's a challenge... while so beautiful the connection two or more people can develop almost immediately. I work as a Nutrition Rep, a job that I obtained while I finish my Elementary Ed. Degree (almost complete). I have worked in the hospital for three years now, began part-time while I pursued my education, which at the beginning I entered the Nursing program completing my CNA... while during that time I knew my calling was infact teaching. I had taught 9 years in a private Montessori school previous to my approach to Nursing. Anyways... the job as a Nutrition Rep was simply a position to gain a sense of the hospital setting... while at the very same time... I loved learning the different aspects of Nutrition (we are what we eat, I believe). So... in my years of experience, I valued/enjoyed every simple aspect of presenting meals to patients... incredibly easy job, fun... "mindless" *wink* and everyday I look forward to what I do/give. Actually, there is so much entailed in a hospital setting pertaining to diets. There are Diabetics to consider, Renal (kidney failure), Cardiac, allergies and reactions related to personal tolerances as well as with medication. With all diets, within all personal (heartbreaking) situations... the floors that I mainly attend to are the Cancer patients. Within this... many are not only living with Cancer, they are battling blood levels (inconsistencies), Chemo, radiation, some even a combo of diabeties, renal... you name it. Although the most common struggle for me in helping them with their diets pertains to the loss of appetite and me... trying to encourage... even entice them to eat. By now, I know the staple items with most patients who cannot eat (for various reasons) and I celebrate the everyday moments when I can find that "one" item that they can physically tolerate... literally hold down in their system. *sad* I know. So... what comes to mind right at this moment... without allowing myself to practically write a book... is...

There is one patient (today), actually I have known him since last November. He is 24 years, his name is Ruben. I can clearly remember the first time I opened his door... to take his meal order. He had an excellent appetite, through time (days)... I would gain a clear sense to what he liked, usually telling him what he would like (as I do with so many) and he would smile beautifully with the awareness "I do know" and I care enough to remember. I a normal day... I have 50-60 patients each meal, so you can only imagine. *beautiful sigh* Sorry... (as I digress) *wink*... in the months to follow... you (I) see their journey unfold... you become a part of that daily journey (I do), it's emotionally draining in more senses that I ever thought possible. *love* For many... way too many... I have seen their journey end (in this physical world). For Ruben... which has inspired me to share here tonight, instead of journaling... he is celebrating life (today). Only a month ago... I talked to his father, which he shared (at the time) that Rueben had received a match for a bone marrow transplant... *my heart sang* as his fathered shared this amazing fact... a chance for Rueben to live life... longer. *pray* So, my attitude changed from *aching* to *enlightened* for him... as I entered his room day after day. I have seen him struggle with days... obtain live (breathe) good moments... sleep constantly (it seemed), crave pizza and good tasting food... like french toast... to... not wanting anything... nor talking. His attitude had a new edge... his eyes full of hope... his smile so bright. (I think I am going to cry)... actually I am.

Just last week... I saw his father in the hall reading the paper... I sat near him and asked how his day has been. I also had written down this empowering quote just minutes ago... that I just saw/read and wrote down. Rueben's father looked at me... and said, "not good". At this very same time... I had just handed him this quote I had in my hand and said read this quote. I almost felt as if I shouldn't have given it to him to read... thinking his mind and attention was now focused on the "not good" mention. After reading the quote... he said, "where did you find this" and said he would love a copy. He then went into saying/sharing with me... that just (yesterday) of last week keep in mind, they had found cancer in Ruben brain (both sides)... and the bone marrow transplant would not take place. *pain in my throat* That all they truly could do at this time... was to keep (or try to keep) Rueben comfortable. I cried... he cried, we cried together. He shared this inspiring story "beautiful moment" him and Rueben just shared months ago... since I already shared all of this... perhaps another night... I will share more. *smile* Nonetheless... I avoided Rueben's room for a couple of days... in fear that I would lose my composure seeing him. Although after a couple of days... I had to check on him (he was refusing all foods and had been for some time), his parents often brought him food from outside of the hopsital (wise). *smile* In all my experiences (too many to mention), I am amazed at this strong and beautiful soul... in him telling his dad... he has lived a good life. *cry* *smile* 24 years must I remind you...

Today... he left (surely will be back)... although as I entered his room... he had this bag of candy, was giving it to all the people he has grown to know. He also told me they were planning a big trip to Las Vegas... and continued to ask for my phone number to let me know when. I told him I would love to go... and I would. As I left... *smiling* happy that he was leaving the four walled room... I told him to enjoy his time out... and gave him the most beautiful hug ever. Later... his mom, caught me as I was walking down the hall... she said they were having a party at their home next week... the invitation was at the nurses station... and that Rueben wanted to make sure I knew. I told her I would definitely make it. I caught Rueben one last time today... the nurse was wheeling him in the wheel chair... as he said his good-byes... (for now) and I gave him one last hug... *watery eyes* (for now) and wished him well... and I would definitely be seeing him soon. As I turned around... I immediately thought... now this is truly a Celebration of Life... and every beautiful minute we live should be just that. *Deep Beautiful Sigh*

~Beautiful Night All... Much love to you all.



Love,
Julie

Thanks for that. It's a privelidge to be allowed into people's lives and pain.

Today, one of my docs and I (I'm a vet tech), went to do a home euthanasia. . .this lovely woman held the kitty she'd loved and cared for for almost 20 years in her arms, and her little son--maybe 12 or 13, certainly much younger than the cat--sat beside her, and we were able to let that lucky old cat go peacefully. . .and the four of us just held each other and cried. . .the woman was crying so hard she was almost screaming. . .her son was trying to be there for his mom, but was totally overcome himself. . .it was terribly painful, but also really human and beautiful. Death is a vibrant experience.

Not the same as your experience, but what I'm sayin' is, I feel ya.

tackam

I can feel you in what you shared as well... for I am a true believer that we all are here to live, and have every right to do just that. All living "being" hold value to me... all.

I am also Vegetarian for that very reason. (((hug)))

I commend you for all you give to this world. *beautiful smile*

I am calling it a night...

Beautiful night to you and sweetest of dreams.

Love,
Julie

That was very beautiful to read Julie.

..

dear freespirit i found it very moving to read
your piece. it is so sad
but beautiful in its simplicity

life is to be lived and we should all cherish each minute
to its fullest

i am learning this more and more and as i begin to value my time
it hurts more to see it ever get wasted

..

Thanx Freespirit. You chose your handle wisely.

Reading stories like that remind me again and again the worth of my job (cancer research).

These are the things that really make life worth living.
To make someone elses life a little better. To walk with them down a rough road and finally see daylight. You are blessed to have that experience in your life. Cherish the moment as it was definitely a gift to you.








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[This message was edited Mon Aug 11 22:59:30 PDT 2003 by CtheUncanny]

Julie that was really enlightening, thanks for sharing. I can tell that you are an extremely caring person who gives everything you have to your patients. They are so lucky to have you in their lives. I wish there were more beautiful people like you in this world because believe me, with your positive/loving/supportive attitude which you (obviously) naturally portray, you make all the difference in their (sometimes short) existence!
We need to be thankful for our blessings everyday, and yes... we should celebrate life and be the best we can be. Sometimes it's so easy to forget.
Julie, you also write beautifully!!

Your story was deeply felt, and made me feel like crying, very deeply felt. People like you, God will bless everyday. Continue to be the blessing that you are. Much love to you Freespirit, and please continue to write and share your true and wonderful experiences of life. ......
[This message was edited Mon Aug 11 23:16:24 PDT 2003 by Starmist7]

CtheUncanny said:

Damn C that was deep!

(((hugs))) and Beautiful Morning.

Here is a beautiful quote... (I feel/believe).

"Piant a portrait of life to be proud of that could not be sold for all the money on earth. Hang that portrait in your mind and understand it's ever presence. Reflect on every brush stroke that makes all the mountains and valleys and rivers and skies the most beautiful in the land. Share your protrait with others but beware their brushes. Select only those whose brush will add to the beauty and structure of your masterpiece."

AlfofMelmak said:

Your efforts/life time contributions toward Cancer Research is a powerful position. The numbers are grossly incredible around the world, the people who suffer from this incurable disease is a agonizing/suffering shame.

My aunt (who raised me) was just diagnosed this summer with Mylodysplastic Sydrome (pre-form) Leukemia. She has spent the summer with me due to constant doctor visits and treatments. Unbelievable, she is doing very well... may be going back home here real soon. Although with this disorder of the blood in her bone marrow... it will most likely be constant. She is 75 years, and she is a strong... incredible lady... who truly lives life. It truly is never to late to truly live life... while we are still physically breathing.

Beautiful day Alfo... (((hug)))

Thank you youngsoulrebel... continue to be aware, life is beautiful.

CtheUncanny... yes, life moments truly are "gifts"

Phantasy, you are beautiful.

StarMist7, blessed ... you are a blessing to me, my fellow Piscean.

Paisley

Well I sure teared up. That was beautiful Freespirit. I have the highest of respect and admiration for people who do the work you do. Something I've wanted to do, but I think I'd cry to much to complete my job. It was uplifting and enlightening. I think we need life stories like this everyday, to hep us realize and appreciate things, and of course the people around us. You are an Angel! Rueben is very fortunate to have a beautiful spirit in his life such as you! :F: :HUG:

Oh Julie...I'm sitting here in my office wiping tears away. God has entrusted something to you that is so precious...to help Ruben on his path of transformation from this life to the next.
please keep us posted on his (and your) condition...sending you my love.
Andrea

Freespirit said:

I think that is a beautiful quote and a wonderful share about Ruben.

I've never met you. But I know what response I experience when I am in contact with you. I become more me. Thank you for being true to yourself. I think you're wonderful

Freespirit/Julie

that was incredibly moving, freespirit. thank you for the life lesson. so many of us are blessed with opportunity each day to add to the positive balance of the human condition but we must be tuned in to the right vibration. your compassion moves me and serves as a wonderful reminder. thank you for the deep soul feel.

Very Nice Freespirit!!! You are truely a wonderful & great human being! I was touched deeply while reading this and I am proud of you and others like you that can recognize the beauty and greatness of life even when life can not be so specatcular for some.

Thought I would share a beautiful soul with you... The doctor's say that Rueben may have a month left to live in this physical world. One of the nurses (close friend of mine) said with his determination and mental strength, he may go a bit beyond.

He has been doing all that he loves to do, he just returned from Rocky Point a couple of days ago. Wednesday he plans on going to New York. *beautiful smile* And that Las Vegas trip is still a destined goal, I just might make it after all.



Best wishes to all..., and live life with best intentions for a fulfilling and prosperous life.

Beautiful as always!