I am suffering from a great deal of hate at the moment all aimed at one person... this person has hurt people close to me and I am enraged... I am not naturally violent minded or indeed so loveless.

I do hate this person, I am sorry... and yes it is consuming me which is exactly what i didnt want it to do- I am controlled until i know of their presence and then I panic. It is not as though I am mean to this person as I can't be but knowing their there makes me uneasy and insecure. I feel my character draining and waning away and it sickens me.

I worry alot and I lose sleep, I always fear others opinions and hold back even when I dont want to. I am repulsed by this person and it makes me hide, only to appear for the few that i can care for and i believe truly care for me. I suppose it is not as much a hate but a fear of this person, of who and what they are.

I can be strong but I need help with this strength and I cannot obtain it from my usual source... I am weak, vunerable and I need protection and care at present. I am too dependant but in time this will change.

My heart is young but my mind is older
The heart of a coward, the blood of a soldier
The mind is strong and the flesh is weak
I seek for the freedom, the freedom you keep.

In mind I am your saviour
In heart I am at home.
In you I find my inner peace
With you I am never alone.

My head is strong and I grow wiser
You give me the the light I live and die for
Guide me to where I belong
You are my choosen one, you are sweet as song

In mind you are my saviour
In my heart you are at home
In me I find some inner peace
I know I am never alone


Long and short i am the fearful and I find peace in others...


You have helped me realise I merely hate their actions, the person has been nice to me but used so many, and I cannot hold close because of this... see how view has changed from the beginning of this post even...

Peace for my friends we are united and true as always... you know who you are all of you I am still angry but in time this will subside. I need my normality back before I am whole again though

I am sorry for being such a drag

AzureStar said:

AzureStar, I hear ya This is just like me...maybe we are more similar than we think

Ahava Raba

I love your responses. They were great and well thought out. I wish I had time to go over this. It will have to keep until tonight. I must go to work.

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[This message was edited Mon May 12 7:11:56 PDT 2003 by JDINTERACTIVE]

DecemberSunlight
The The


The early morning sun lit up her room
But it wasn't just a change in the weather
She'd read it in her stars and now she felt it in her heart
Life was gonna start getting better
And there was a time when she would pray
That each teardrop that rolled down her face
Would represent a day of pain for him
But now she's changing the way she feels
About wasting her time & tears
Cried out, cried out, cried out
Cried out, cried out, cried out

And all the tricks and all the lies
He tried to pull over her eyes
Kept running through her mind
She looks back in disbelief
In confusion and in grief
At what his secrecy was revealing
You can scream into your pillow
You can pray into the night
But you can't switch off your feelings
Like you'd switch out a light
But she's changing the way she feels
About wasting her time and tears
Cried out, cried out, cried out
Cried out, cried out, cried out

And now these winter skies
Turn blue and bright
And she feels alive
And wants to drink every kiss
Make up for what she's missed
And wipe him out of her mind
Some day he'll have to grow up
And come clean
And listen to the screams
Of his own conscience
Cry out, cry out, cry out
...And she'll not hear a sound


to all
Muse and Azure...you've been through a lot and you're both so strong! Keep on keepin' on
Janey...hang in there sweetie...the pain will go away with time.

JaneyPoos said:

Well now you got me off gaurd indeed! Since I just cancelled my work schedule (Thank GOD! I am exhausted) I will email you soon dear heart!

Muse2noPharaoh said:

Can I have one of them?

Natsume said:

You are so crazy!

Azure said:
As far as the love stuff goes. I won't be wasting my time on that as far as I go. I will allow another to love me, and I will be true to that person, but it takes too much out of me to give that to another and it's not a risk that I want to take... with the exception of my children, my mom and my grandma. Are there underlying issues that cause me to have done this my whole life? Perhaps, but I'm not all about trying to dig to the core of it... I'll just do what I know and what works for me.

Sag says:
To fly away from problems may seem the easiest solution. But you gain strength only when you wrestle with a strong opponent. One who doesn't have difficulties is one who doesn't grow...

A few words of wisdom for you my dear friend.
[This message was edited Mon May 12 9:04:47 PDT 2003 by sag10]

sag10 said:

Oh I could never part with them. I adore both far to much. ( I can be quite private about them too.) Im proud to report that they are both honor roll students. Very happy and sweet. I am blessed that thier father has been as much the center of their life as he ever was. He and I were married far to young. We ended up like brother ans sister and moved on a few years ago. We selected to live near each other and raise them jointly. So far so pleased. They have adjusted well!

Muse2noPharaoh said:

Thank you Renn u are special 2 me never forget this

Muse2noPharaoh said:

LET ME SEE THE BOOTY!!!

Muse2noPharaoh said:

You don't know how this warms my heart... You and your ex are quite mature. You have put your children first, and foremost... Hooray for you both...

.
Let me get that right!
[This message was edited Mon May 12 9:44:34 PDT 2003 by sag10]

00769BAD said:

NEVER!

Behave damn it!

Muse2noPharaoh said:

c'mon,
you know you wanna show me...

Karen, what a reflection ... your post and the posts that follow truly contain much value.

I know all of this too well..., yes... very well. Living with anger/hate does destroy your soul, the energy anger/hate requires literally can be so destructive. I chose along time ago, to find forgiveness within myself for all. Being born into a home with a abusive mother (my sisters and I), where many occurrences took place. We were eventually taken away legally by the courts and sent to a temporary orphanage (I remember well), I was 3-4 yrs. I did not know my father intil later in life. (another journey) My great Aunt and Uncle decided to gain full custody, they could not bare up to be split up and sent to different homes, which most likely would of occurred.

(I say I am forever grateful, so very appreciative for all that life brings... for so many reasons, and I am)

Anyways... it did not end there, but that is yet another journey. Although I will say... that within that journey, I learned so much about the twists of life (difficult it was as a child to see/understand the truth). I was always headstrong as a child, extremely "free" with my beliefs... I remember even as a young child not easily influenced by what others did/thought and even then... I knew the power I had on my own life and that is was up to me to make a difference within myself.

Sometime in high school, I made the ultimate decision... to make amends with all people, including my mother. I learned to forgive her and instead "thank her" for the lessons and resilency she contributed within my own life. I saw the truth in many situations... I began to realize that many people fall into the "mad cycle" of events and even fewer were unable or (so not have the strength/support) to stop that cycle, it must come from within. I speak to many people, friends when I see fit about my life (very freely), for I know that by hearing that it is possible to forgive and set yourself "free" if... that is what you strive for in your life and desperately want more than the life you lead. Again, it goes back to "choices", we truly all contain the power to choose.

A mention about not getting to the core within, the body has ways in which it self destructs/ literally crumbles... I have seen this directly, actually my sister is going through this in her life as we speak. She experienced so much personally... for years, it led her into a abusive marriage, eating disorders, attempted suicide, mental breakdown... from being on anti-depressants... etc. Now she has a beautiful life, a wonderful husband and new family that is so loving/supportive. Although even now... she is suffering from all the residue of the past years, well... her body physically is. She was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (at first), she could barely walk... she had to use a wheelchair, had seizures and lost her job. She struggled with this for about a year, although she did get better, and began living life more steadily. Her marriage is a positive one, she just had a beautiful little girl. Although... just a couple of weeks ago (out of the blue), she passed out in a church restroom. Needless to say, she experienced the same symptoms once again.

So... what I believe, is... tend to the core, easy? No. Although if you truly search within and find that innerpeace free of hate/anger... that is the most beneficial gift anyone can give themselves. Life does not present you with "beautiful flowers" all the time, but if your mindframe and soul see/feel that this world does contain an amazing amount of beauty (and it does), then all situations can be seen as a positive (a critical lesson) and help turn your life around. I believe.

Karen, it is beautiful to see/feel your insights and I am so happy that you were/are able to see that no matter what has occurred, no matter the cause... that you tend to apply your energy and focus on learning from that cause and applying it toward your future, a better you.

I understand every word you have written. I too have no shame in my game and am willing and able to share any part of my life that might prevent another from the path of hate.
If anything, I have always had life far to easy. If you have had it hard or easy however, Hate is an equal opportunity employer. It doesn't discriminate. People don't realize that it will destroy their health as well as there character. The only thing it won't do is effect the person you feel it towards. Likely they are dead inside anyway. Or at the very least unhealthy in there lives at the present. Unable to hear you and or unwilling to change. I can only control me. I have never had an interest in controlling another. To much work! ( It was very recently brought to my attention that I need to work on my extreme nature of being under self control. That inadvertently I control others because in order to be in my life those that love me have to fall under my preset self guidelines.) I need to relax a bit and allow the wall to drop. ( Which in retrospect now that I think of it. Is probably due to my allowing hate in before. I keep strict internal order of things.)
I have always been arrogantly ignorant of hate or anger. I could not care what you think of me. ( That remains a truth.) As I see it, you haven't the power to send me to Heaven nor Hell so I can't care less what you think of me. You basically are rendered irrelevant in my universe. Under the same principle, if you don't "like" me that is ok too. There are millions of people on this planet. If you and I can't get along its simple NEXT! My take on it was always may you have more money then me ... more love more happiness more success... I don't care! Just STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. Problem solved.
Awww... but here comes the arrogant ignorant part... It never occurred to me that I may not "be able" to get away from the offending party. That I may be forced to tolerate their "self hating" abuse. ( To some extent.) My skills were strong in being mature and removing myself from the path of a fool. I had zero skills in tolerating or dealing with one. (Extremist that I am.)
Loosing a child has a strange way of causing you to rethink your path. It would be easier to say she caused that to happen. More logical to realize that only you can control your stress levels. Bad choices on my part were to blame. So now hatred not only did not effect the witch in question... It cost me dearly. In many aspects. Im not foolish enough to believe I may not again be confronted with the hate or let it go options. I am wise enough to know that it is a path of self destruction. I often have said man, if you think I am cool now you should have known me back then before all that. Im glad for the lessons. 7 years was that round trip ticket. Thank God it was "round trip" and not a "one way" ticket.

It comes a time that you have to put a foot down in your beliefs and or you are left twisting in the wind. You may just follow someone who has it all wrong.

Muse2noPharaoh said:

Unfortunately for me, I'm on full hate mode. After finding out that my girlfriend and my best friend were screwing around behind my back, I see no reason whatsoever to risk being hurt again. My hatred of those two is ongoing and I don't care. I have moved on with my life but I know now that I can no longer afford to fully trust anyone.

Correction, there are a few friends that I can count on but I guess there's always going to be a part of me that will be permanently closed off. If that's the way it's going to be then so be it, I'll deal with it. But I won't allow myself to be used and hurt by anyone anymore.

NovaAngel said:

I understand what you are saying to me and how you are feeling. I remember the road well. Do ask yourself this, Is it worth it? Does your feeling effect them or only you?
They don't feel your hate. Likely you aren't around them at all. You are jaded first by them but worse now you are betraying yourself.

Unfortunately for me, I'm on full hate mode. After finding out that my girlfriend and my best friend were screwing around behind my back, I see no reason whatsoever to risk being hurt again. My hatred of those two is ongoing and I don't care. I have moved on with my life but I know now that I can no longer afford to fully trust anyone.

That or you just will be extremely cautious who you place your faith and trust in. They continue to steal from you at this point. Hate is the greatest thief of all. The beautiful person you are is being buried below the feeling. I don't say let it go to exonerate them. The way they choose to live will kick there ass in anyway. You get what you give.
I bet Julie would confer with me on this. I can recognize a beautiful soul from a thousand paces now. Even one buried in crap. If anything the experience has taught me to Classify and identify long before I place myself in people and or allow them place in me. Im glad for that! I might make a mistake or eight BUT I am careful not to ignore the signs that may lead to destruction later in. I could spend my whole life wondering why people do what they do to themselves and to others. It's just to much energy! Im so far to the other side that I just say pishaw... let God sort em out.
Tony taught me a few lessons about myself that I found immeasurable. I had a wall up so high to protect myself from pain. I hate not being in control. Being vulnerable. I am missing out on so much. Fearing hurt and pain has kept me from feeling all the love and peace I deserve.
So, at this point the deed those jack asses committed against you was the gift that kept on giving. To this date you are receiving ongoing damage from the original act. Hate is a bitch. It's kind of like a fruit cake. No one wants the damn thing but it is frickin' indestructible. Hell with that! This is about you! What about you? How much time are you willing to throw at it. I tossed 7 years at it. What a damn waste of my time and heart.

After the hurt subsides some, realize that living in regret is a source of wasted energy as well.

Finding a sense of peace is key, (inner-peace and acceptance are two different avenues).

Live and learn.

can be mended. (Time/awareness)

Freespirit said:

beautifully said as always, free

a for muse as well for your words of inspiration.

maya angelou wrote "trust love one more time, always one more time."

of course this is easier said than done, especially if you've been hurt badly. but closing yourself off from love is more destructive than opening yourself to it.

trust isn't about the other person. trust is your ability to handle it if the situations doesn't turn out the way you've planned. that's the lesson i've been learning.

i've been hurt alot in my life, also. and alot of it stems from daddy issues (i haven't seen or heard from him in goin on 20 years) that i thought i had let go off, but didn't. it wasn't until recently that i choose to let go of my hatred of him and forgive him that i was able to open myself up to being loved.

i'm still working through it but i know that forgiveness is the greatest lesson i can learn in order to move on and embrace what the future has in store for me.

Phoenixxx said:

Great thoughts! I love it!

applekisses said:

That was beautiful!

I don't hate anyone, and I don't think I ever will.
But I stay away from the people I can't trust or people who are trying to hurt me intentionally.

I love all other people, some more, some less. I will do anything for any one of these people, as long as I know it's for a good cause.
Some people will say I'm a sucker for doing all these things for others, who some I barely know, but I feel that if I can make someone smile, that's all I care about. I'm not asking for anything back.
I believe that if people will be happy, then there'll be less hatered and more forgiveness in these people.

That was Beautiful Everyone...

Heavenly said:

This is why I adore you!

Why is it if you quote the color code gets all screwed up?



July





.
[This message was edited Mon May 12 15:58:06 PDT 2003 by Muse2noPharaoh]

Muse2noPharaoh said:

so in essence I guess it's "Dont be hatin!"

Muse2noPharaoh said:

...