Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

...................

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

..................

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

***

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

***

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

***

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

***

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

XxAxX said:

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

purplethunder3121 said:

...................

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

..................

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

XxAxX said:

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

XxAxX said:

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

young lady!!!

XxAxX said:

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

***

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

***

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

***

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

***

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

ARE WE NOT ENTERTAINED????

onlyforaminute said:

See what you started.

somebody had to do it....

luv4u said:

all i said was....

EmmaMcG said:

Have you seen R Kelly's latest video? Urine for a surprise!

he asked what she wanted and she said a european...

he wasn't payin attention...

KingBAD said:

KingBAD said:

XxAxX said:

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

***

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

***

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

***

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

***

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

ARE WE NOT ENTERTAINED????

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oops! got it backwards.

XxAxX said:

KingBAD said:

ARE WE NOT ENTERTAINED????

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oops! got it backwards.

speakin of lightbulb changin:

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...:

A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The mentioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

hi you like them apples???

BADD!!!!

KANG BADD!!!!

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

KingBAD said:

XxAxX said:

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oops! got it backwards.

speakin of lightbulb changin:

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...:

A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The mentioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

hi you like them apples???

[Edited 3/17/19 14:15pm]