Yesterday my cousin, his wife and his 3 year old son visited us. We had something to eat and his son didn't want to have sauce on his noodles. They tried to make him eat it but he made it really clear that he didn't want it. My cousin totally lost it and with that I mean that he started to shout at his son, wich made him cry. But it doesn't stop here, he wouldn't let his son sit by his mother when he wanted, took everything away from him (Toys, even the noodles) and just wouldn't stop screaming. It was crazy. I was so speechless that I really couldn't say anything. He screamed at his son until they left and even then the boy wasn't allowed to walk with his mum, he had to walk next to his father who just wouldn't stop screaming.

Now my question is, would it have been okay if I would've said anything? I mean I was too shocked to say a single word, but if it'll happen again, how should I approach it? His wife didn't say anything too, and I really find that stupid, like if that was my child I would've said something.

I want to add one more thing: There was an incident when he came from kindergarten a few months ago, they were pretty harsh to him there too and when he arrived he started vomiting, wich made us believe that it was stress related. A few days ago he was with at his grandpas place and didn't want to eat noodles with sauce too. His grandpa send him to bed without food, but he came out of the room again and said that he'd eat the noodles, plus sauce and he also vomited that night......

My fear now is that the kid might develope some form of anxiety when it comes to eating if that happens more often. What if he's getting panic attacks before breakfast, lunch etc?

I don't think my cousin's reaction was right. What do you think?

[Edited 12/3/18 4:50am]

[Edited 12/3/18 4:51am]

poor kid

your cousin is an absolute moron... it's a shame you don't have to past a test to have kids

i would have said something

MoBettaBliss said:

poor kid

your cousin is an absolute moron... it's a shame you don't have to past a test to have kids

i would have said something

I said the same thing to my sister. Yeah I really wanted to say something but the shock wouldn't let me and I feel stupid now. But I'll definitely say something if it happens again.

I would have rinsed that baby's noodles off.

[Edited 12/3/18 5:57am]

EmmaMcG said:

I probably would have said something but my cousin (and her son) lives with me so I'm kind of like a second mother to her son anyway. So if I was in that situation I would have told my cousin to stop being such a bitch and leave the kid alone. But my cousin and I are really close, so she'd know and understand why I'd get involved. If you're not really that close with your cousin, he probably wouldn't like you voicing your opinion. My advice, if you do decide to say anything, don't do it in front of the kid. Your cousin won't like being undermined in front of his child.

We're not that close. But I met my aunt (his mum) today and she said that it probably wouldn't be good if somebody said anything because he attacks even her(verbally) when she says something.

I don't know but if I say something then I'll definitely take your advice tho, thanks.

ThatWhiteDude said:

EmmaMcG said:

I probably would have said something but my cousin (and her son) lives with me so I'm kind of like a second mother to her son anyway. So if I was in that situation I would have told my cousin to stop being such a bitch and leave the kid alone. But my cousin and I are really close, so she'd know and understand why I'd get involved. If you're not really that close with your cousin, he probably wouldn't like you voicing your opinion. My advice, if you do decide to say anything, don't do it in front of the kid. Your cousin won't like being undermined in front of his child.

We're not that close. But I met my aunt (his mum) today and she said that it probably wouldn't be good if somebody said anything because he attacks even her(verbally) when she says something.

I don't know but if I say something then I'll definitely take your advice tho, thanks.

I know it's old fashioned but I'd write to him. That way if he's angry, he has time to calm down and reflect, or at least have time before vomiting his anger all over you, and if he cuts contact over it then I'd contact the wife and kid and see if it's possible to invite them alone. Sadly I've been in a position where I said nothing once and it eats away at you. I may have forgiven that person but I will never, ever forget.

It's your house. You absolutely had a right to say something. He needed to be checked for that behavior. It takes 1000 "atta boy"'s to get rid of one "you're an idiot". You could have also pulled your cousin right outside and said, "this is a bowl of noodles, not WW3. This reaction isn't necessary."

Kids have two jobs: get an education, and have a whole lot of fun while doing it. Anyone who stands in the way of that is not helping. This child is going to end up paranoid and resentful when he's an adult.

That sounds like my Dad when I was a kid... That is totally inappropriate behavior for a parent, especially with a child as young as that. That kind of behavior is normal for a three year old. If the child doesn't want to eat the food, he should be coaxed into trying it just once to see if he likes it; if not, then fix him something else and don't force him to eat it. I tried to get my son to eat liver when he was around the same age; he tried a bite and when he said he didn't like it, I never made it for him again. Yelling and severe punishment always backfire; no wonder the poor kid is a nervous wreck. My heart goes out to the little boy, having grown up with a father like that. A big to the mother who didn't stand up for him against the bullying father...

.

Actually, your post made me angry and I just flashed back on an incident that happened to my little brother when he was four years old... Our family went to my Mom's parents' house for a holiday dinner; my Dad made my little brother cut his own steak and it was in big chunks. My little brother ate one and tried to chew it but the piece was too big for him to swallow. My Grandmother told him to spit it out. My Dad yelled at my Grandmother and forced my brother to chew the piece again and he tried to swallow it but he started choking when the meat lodged in his throat. My Grandmother had to hit my brother several times on the back so the hunk of gristle would dislodge... My brother could have choked to death that day. My Grandmother had a few choice words for my father and he sat in sullen silence the rest of the meal... We got whipped with a belt for not eating all the food on our plates at home... So, yeah, you should say something, even if the parents take it out on you. Abuse is abuse and should be spoken out against and not tolerated.

[Edited 12/3/18 14:49pm]

I used to live with a child in the same household as an adult. I always made sure that the child would find refuge in me should they have needed it. I always showed them love and compassion. I don't know how to deal with clear abuse though. If your cousin is willing to listen to you, you can show him he's doing it wrong and that you don't want to report him, but he has to stop. Other than that, just build the trust between you and the child. If they ever escape from home, chances are you'll save them from homelessness.

I sure understand your dilemma as it is hard to be effective with an abuser without them ultimately taking it out on the kid at home. On the other hand, by saying nothing may suggest that you condone it. I generally believe in direct communication, but in this case if there is someone in the extended family that your cousin seems to respect (which is doubtful), perhaps that person could be involved in talking with him. The scary thing is that it may be even worse behind closed doors. The family has to be vigilant for any signs of physical abuse, as this can and should be reported to the Department of Children Services. You can do this anonymously. Poor kid!

[Edited 12/3/18 21:20pm]

ThatWhiteDude said:

Yesterday my cousin, his wife and his 3 year old son visited us. We had something to eat and his son didn't want to have sauce on his noodles. They tried to make him eat it but he made it really clear that he didn't want it. My cousin totally lost it and with that I mean that he started to shout at his son, wich made him cry. But it doesn't stop here, he wouldn't let his son sit by his mother when he wanted, took everything away from him (Toys, even the noodles) and just wouldn't stop screaming. It was crazy. I was so speechless that I really couldn't say anything. He screamed at his son until they left and even then the boy wasn't allowed to walk with his mum, he had to walk next to his father who just wouldn't stop screaming.

Now my question is, would it have been okay if I would've said anything? I mean I was too shocked to say a single word, but if it'll happen again, how should I approach it? His wife didn't say anything too, and I really find that stupid, like if that was my child I would've said something.

I want to add one more thing: There was an incident when he came from kindergarten a few months ago, they were pretty harsh to him there too and when he arrived he started vomiting, wich made us believe that it was stress related. A few days ago he was with at his grandpas place and didn't want to eat noodles with sauce too. His grandpa send him to bed without food, but he came out of the room again and said that he'd eat the noodles, plus sauce and he also vomited that night......

My fear now is that the kid might develope some form of anxiety when it comes to eating if that happens more often. What if he's getting panic attacks before breakfast, lunch etc?

I don't think my cousin's reaction was right. What do you think?

[Edited 12/3/18 4:50am]

[Edited 12/3/18 4:51am]

They were guests in your house so you could confront them and make them act accordingly.

But I would have called child services immediatly because to me it seems the child is developing a phisical trauma becuase of a mental trauma. Your cousin is a problem that should be dealt with.

If it happened in your place, than your rules count and you can say whatever you think, and they should behave according that.

And dont eat so many noodles all, it's not good

What a bully!! And I totally agree with you, the impact of your cousin's behavior must be like a series of traumas for the child. It could cause him deep anxiety and affect his whole life.

Any ill-treatment of a child is wrong (physical or psychological). Children solely rely upon the adults around them to make sense of the wider world. Not only they trust them wholeheartedly but they are also too young to realise if someone steps over the line. It is highly likely that the child is battling with a massive internal conflict right now, thinking it is him who is doing something wrong (when he isn't). I wouldn't be surprised if he has nightmares too... In any case, I feel very sad for him.

Based on what you have described and the fact that the child's father won't even listen to anyone's advice (like the mentioned reaction towards his wife), I wonder what actually happens behind closed doors. I know it is very difficult for you because you are related, but for the child's sake, and since you have been a witness of this at your own place, I think you have the entire right (and responsibility) to seek advice on their behalf. Not necessarily give their names away, but try to find out what could and should be done to help the little boy and his family.

In the first instance, a letter to your cousin - as maplenpg said - is a very good idea, as it may give your cousin a chance to reflect.

ThatWhiteDude said:

We're not that close. But I met my aunt (his mum) today and she said that it probably wouldn't be good if somebody said anything because he attacks even her(verbally) when she says something.

He needs !

maplenpg said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

We're not that close. But I met my aunt (his mum) today and she said that it probably wouldn't be good if somebody said anything because he attacks even her(verbally) when she says something.

I don't know but if I say something then I'll definitely take your advice tho, thanks.

I know it's old fashioned but I'd write to him. That way if he's angry, he has time to calm down and reflect, or at least have time before vomiting his anger all over you, and if he cuts contact over it then I'd contact the wife and kid and see if it's possible to invite them alone. Sadly I've been in a position where I said nothing once and it eats away at you. I may have forgiven that person but I will never, ever forget.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try the thing with the letter because I really want to tell him that what he was doing wasn't okay.

TrivialPursuit said:

It's your house. You absolutely had a right to say something. He needed to be checked for that behavior. It takes 1000 "atta boy"'s to get rid of one "you're an idiot". You could have also pulled your cousin right outside and said, "this is a bowl of noodles, not WW3. This reaction isn't necessary."

Kids have two jobs: get an education, and have a whole lot of fun while doing it. Anyone who stands in the way of that is not helping. This child is going to end up paranoid and resentful when he's an adult.

Yeah ten minutes after they left I was like: "Why didn't you say anything? Or why didn't the others say anything?" We just let it happen and I really feel like a piece of shit for that.

purplethunder3121 said:

That sounds like my Dad when I was a kid... That is totally inappropriate behavior for a parent, especially with a child as young as that. That kind of behavior is normal for a three year old. If the child doesn't want to eat the food, he should be coaxed into trying it just once to see if he likes it; if not, then fix him something else and don't force him to eat it. I tried to get my son to eat liver when he was around the same age; he tried a bite and when he said he didn't like it, I never made it for him again. Yelling and severe punishment always backfire; no wonder the poor kid is a nervous wreck. My heart goes out to the little boy, having grown up with a father like that. A big to the mother who didn't stand up for him against the bullying father...

.

Actually, your post made me angry and I just flashed back on an incident that happened to my little brother when he was four years old... Our family went to my Mom's parents' house for a holiday dinner; my Dad made my little brother cut his own steak and it was in big chunks. My little brother ate one and tried to chew it but the piece was too big for him to swallow. My Grandmother told him to spit it out. My Dad yelled at my Grandmother and forced my brother to chew the piece again and he tried to swallow it but he started choking when the meat lodged in his throat. My Grandmother had to hit my brother several times on the back so the hunk of gristle would dislodge... My brother could have choked to death that day. My Grandmother had a few choice words for my father and he sat in sullen silence the rest of the meal... We got whipped with a belt for not eating all the food on our plates at home... So, yeah, you should say something, even if the parents take it out on you. Abuse is abuse and should be spoken out against and not tolerated.

[Edited 12/3/18 14:49pm]

That's just horrible What's the matter with some people? Didn't your mum say anything when he whipped you for not eating everything?

FullLipsDotNose said:

I used to live with a child in the same household as an adult. I always made sure that the child would find refuge in me should they have needed it. I always showed them love and compassion. I don't know how to deal with clear abuse though. If your cousin is willing to listen to you, you can show him he's doing it wrong and that you don't want to report him, but he has to stop. Other than that, just build the trust between you and the child. If they ever escape from home, chances are you'll save them from homelessness.

That sounds like a great idea. Although I really hope that he will never have to run away from home.

gandorb said:

I sure understand your dilemma as it is hard to be effective with an abuser without them ultimately taking it out on the kid at home. On the other hand, by saying nothing may suggest that you condone it. I generally believe in direct communication, but in this case if there is someone in the extended family that your cousin seems to respect (which is doubtful), perhaps that person could be involved in talking with him. The scary thing is that it may be even worse behind closed doors. The family has to be vigilant for any signs of physical abuse, as this can and should be reported to the Department of Children Services. You can do this anonymously. Poor kid!

[Edited 12/3/18 21:20pm]

I could talk to his father about that. He won't listen to his mum but I know that his father is a really strict man, maybe he can talk to him.

TheFman said:

If it happened in your place, than your rules count and you can say whatever you think, and they should behave according that.

And dont eat so many noodles all, it's not good

I'm not a big fan of noodles anyway

JorisE73 said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

Yesterday my cousin, his wife and his 3 year old son visited us. We had something to eat and his son didn't want to have sauce on his noodles. They tried to make him eat it but he made it really clear that he didn't want it. My cousin totally lost it and with that I mean that he started to shout at his son, wich made him cry. But it doesn't stop here, he wouldn't let his son sit by his mother when he wanted, took everything away from him (Toys, even the noodles) and just wouldn't stop screaming. It was crazy. I was so speechless that I really couldn't say anything. He screamed at his son until they left and even then the boy wasn't allowed to walk with his mum, he had to walk next to his father who just wouldn't stop screaming.

Now my question is, would it have been okay if I would've said anything? I mean I was too shocked to say a single word, but if it'll happen again, how should I approach it? His wife didn't say anything too, and I really find that stupid, like if that was my child I would've said something.

I want to add one more thing: There was an incident when he came from kindergarten a few months ago, they were pretty harsh to him there too and when he arrived he started vomiting, wich made us believe that it was stress related. A few days ago he was with at his grandpas place and didn't want to eat noodles with sauce too. His grandpa send him to bed without food, but he came out of the room again and said that he'd eat the noodles, plus sauce and he also vomited that night......

My fear now is that the kid might develope some form of anxiety when it comes to eating if that happens more often. What if he's getting panic attacks before breakfast, lunch etc?

I don't think my cousin's reaction was right. What do you think?

[Edited 12/3/18 4:50am]

[Edited 12/3/18 4:51am]

They were guests in your house so you could confront them and make them act accordingly.

But I would have called child services immediatly because to me it seems the child is developing a phisical trauma becuase of a mental trauma. Your cousin is a problem that should be dealt with.

I had a talk with our grandma today and she said that we'll talk to him before any of us calls the child service. I don't see him so often but she does and she said that he's usually a really good father and that his son loves him and that this happened for the first time.....I don't know....I just don't want to make any mistakes. I don't know what to think right now.

CherryMoon57 said:

What a bully!! And I totally agree with you, the impact of your cousin's behavior must be like a series of traumas for the child. It could cause him deep anxiety and affect his whole life.

Any ill-treatment of a child is wrong (physical or psychological). Children solely rely upon the adults around them to make sense of the wider world. Not only they trust them wholeheartedly but they are also too young to realise if someone steps over the line. It is highly likely that the child is battling with a massive internal conflict right now, thinking it is him who is doing something wrong (when he isn't). I wouldn't be surprised if he has nightmares too... In any case, I feel very sad for him.

Based on what you have described and the fact that the child's father won't even listen to anyone's advice (like the mentioned reaction towards his wife), I wonder what actually happens behind closed doors. I know it is very difficult for you because you are related, but for the child's sake, and since you have been a witness of this at your own place, I think you have the entire right (and responsibility) to seek advice on their behalf. Not necessarily give their names away, but try to find out what could and should be done to help the little boy and his family.

In the first instance, a letter to your cousin - as maplenpg said - is a very good idea, as it may give your cousin a chance to reflect.

That's what I thought too when our grandma said that this was the first time he did this. But what if he does this behind closed doors? We're not there, so we can't tell. All I know is that his wife is more patient with the kid, really and sometimes it takes longer to explain a situation to the kid but I know that he listens to you. There was a thing I remember when a kid wanted to play with one of his toys and he had a little tantrum over it and my aunt said: "Let him play with the toy, he let you play with his too." He wouldn't listen. When my aunt gave the toy to the other kid, my cousin's son wanted to run after him. I stopped him, kneeled down so he wouldn't think that I bully him and explained calmly that it is okay and important to share since the boy let him play with his toys too. I didn't scream and he said: "Okay." Or when he slapped another kid I said: "Don't slap others, you don't want to be slapped either." He wanted to argue and I said: "Okay, if you don't go to the boy and say sorry, we go home." He was okay with that and I took him by the hand and he said sorry, even hugged the other child."

You don't have to scream at children, you can explain it in a normal way.

iZsaZsa said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

We're not that close. But I met my aunt (his mum) today and she said that it probably wouldn't be good if somebody said anything because he attacks even her(verbally) when she says something.

He needs !

ThatWhiteDude said:

Yeah ten minutes after they left I was like: "Why didn't you say anything? Or why didn't the others say anything?" We just let it happen and I really feel like a piece of shit for that.

Well hey, lesson learned. When you know better, you do better. Next time will be different.

ThatWhiteDude said:

purplethunder3121 said:

That sounds like my Dad when I was a kid... That is totally inappropriate behavior for a parent, especially with a child as young as that. That kind of behavior is normal for a three year old. If the child doesn't want to eat the food, he should be coaxed into trying it just once to see if he likes it; if not, then fix him something else and don't force him to eat it. I tried to get my son to eat liver when he was around the same age; he tried a bite and when he said he didn't like it, I never made it for him again. Yelling and severe punishment always backfire; no wonder the poor kid is a nervous wreck. My heart goes out to the little boy, having grown up with a father like that. A big to the mother who didn't stand up for him against the bullying father...

.

Actually, your post made me angry and I just flashed back on an incident that happened to my little brother when he was four years old... Our family went to my Mom's parents' house for a holiday dinner; my Dad made my little brother cut his own steak and it was in big chunks. My little brother ate one and tried to chew it but the piece was too big for him to swallow. My Grandmother told him to spit it out. My Dad yelled at my Grandmother and forced my brother to chew the piece again and he tried to swallow it but he started choking when the meat lodged in his throat. My Grandmother had to hit my brother several times on the back so the hunk of gristle would dislodge... My brother could have choked to death that day. My Grandmother had a few choice words for my father and he sat in sullen silence the rest of the meal... We got whipped with a belt for not eating all the food on our plates at home... So, yeah, you should say something, even if the parents take it out on you. Abuse is abuse and should be spoken out against and not tolerated.

[Edited 12/3/18 14:49pm]

That's just horrible What's the matter with some people? Didn't your mum say anything when he whipped you for not eating everything?

No, he used the belt on her, too...

ThatWhiteDude said:

CherryMoon57 said:

What a bully!! And I totally agree with you, the impact of your cousin's behavior must be like a series of traumas for the child. It could cause him deep anxiety and affect his whole life.

Any ill-treatment of a child is wrong (physical or psychological). Children solely rely upon the adults around them to make sense of the wider world. Not only they trust them wholeheartedly but they are also too young to realise if someone steps over the line. It is highly likely that the child is battling with a massive internal conflict right now, thinking it is him who is doing something wrong (when he isn't). I wouldn't be surprised if he has nightmares too... In any case, I feel very sad for him.

Based on what you have described and the fact that the child's father won't even listen to anyone's advice (like the mentioned reaction towards his wife), I wonder what actually happens behind closed doors. I know it is very difficult for you because you are related, but for the child's sake, and since you have been a witness of this at your own place, I think you have the entire right (and responsibility) to seek advice on their behalf. Not necessarily give their names away, but try to find out what could and should be done to help the little boy and his family.

In the first instance, a letter to your cousin - as maplenpg said - is a very good idea, as it may give your cousin a chance to reflect.

That's what I thought too when our grandma said that this was the first time he did this. But what if he does this behind closed doors? We're not there, so we can't tell. All I know is that his wife is more patient with the kid, really and sometimes it takes longer to explain a situation to the kid but I know that he listens to you. There was a thing I remember when a kid wanted to play with one of his toys and he had a little tantrum over it and my aunt said: "Let him play with the toy, he let you play with his too." He wouldn't listen. When my aunt gave the toy to the other kid, my cousin's son wanted to run after him. I stopped him, kneeled down so he wouldn't think that I bully him and explained calmly that it is okay and important to share since the boy let him play with his toys too. I didn't scream and he said: "Okay." Or when he slapped another kid I said: "Don't slap others, you don't want to be slapped either." He wanted to argue and I said: "Okay, if you don't go to the boy and say sorry, we go home." He was okay with that and I took him by the hand and he said sorry, even hugged the other child."

You don't have to scream at children, you can explain it in a normal way.

Agree. Children are not a subspecies, they deserve as much respect as everyone. They also need love: without it, they cannot develop properly.

Keep forgetting you're in Germany. Isn't that kind of behavior generally frowned upon there? Your cousin was showing off for somebody at that table or he's mental. Back in the day in the States it was an insult for a kid not to eat what was put in front of them and it was usually insisted that they eat what they were told to eat. I puked a lot when I was a kid eating stuff I was being forced to eat. My kids in turn ate basically what they wanted within reason. I've noticed today's parents are lax on what their kids eat though I'm sure quite a few still have the attitude they must eat what is put infront of them.

purplethunder3121 said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

That's just horrible What's the matter with some people? Didn't your mum say anything when he whipped you for not eating everything?

No, he used the belt on her, too...

How did you guys get out of this situation? :/

onlyforaminute said:

Keep forgetting you're in Germany. Isn't that kind of behavior generally frowned upon there? Your cousin was showing off for somebody at that table or he's mental. Back in the day in the States it was an insult for a kid not to eat what was put in front of them and it was usually insisted that they eat what they were told to eat. I puked a lot when I was a kid eating stuff I was being forced to eat. My kids in turn ate basically what they wanted within reason. I've noticed today's parents are lax on what their kids eat though I'm sure quite a few still have the attitude they must eat what is put infront of them.

He's definitely not mental But you actually got a point, since there were more people around, it sounds totally plausible that he was showing off for somebody. Maybe he wanted to us to see that "He's the boss."