Although I haven't posted a review in a few days, I have watched a couple of movies. And what a dichotomy of filmed cinema they have been! What's more, this week has proven out the Always Let RodeoSchro Pick The Movie theorem that I have been telling the ladies is scientific fact. Maybe after last night, they'll accept this irrefutable law of nature!

The Always Let RodeoSchro Pick The Movie theorem is the kissing cousin of the Whenever RodeoSchro Goes To Or Is Involved In Any Way With A Live Music Event, Make Sure You Are There Law Of Nature. Seriously - if I'm going to a concert or to an open mic event or to anything music-related, you should go, too. I have only been wrong with my musical selection once in the last 50 years. That one time?

An Alanis Morissette concert. With Jason Mraz as the opening act. A double whammy of crapola! Actually, Alanis should have been good but unfortunately I was able to understand every lyric she sang, which only served to let me know how much she hated her mother. Every. Single. Song. Like, in three songs Alanis was going down on some guy in a theater but in the other twenty songs, her mother was screwing her up. Ugh.

And don't even get me started on Jason Mraz.

But DO get me started on "Joy Ride 3"!

I was perusing the SyFy channel - which I seem to be doing a lot more than I used to - and came across the last five minutes of "Joy Ride 2". Clearly, I had stumbled onto a "Joy Ride" marathon. Now, this was a franchise I was unfamiliar with but after watching the last five minutes of JR2, I was hooked!

Two teens apparently had caused an 18-wheeler to crash and burn, thus saving their lives. "Is it over?" asked the boy. The girl kicks a chain wallet down into the fiery carcass of the 18-wheeler and says, "It is now". But it isn't!

The driver of the 18-wheeler had lived, and was next seen "helping" a young damsel in distress whose Mustang had gone kaput on a lonely road. I was later to learn that this bad guy - Rusty Nail is his name - seemingly only drives his 18-wheeler on loney roads. But thus endeth "Joy Ride 2".

I figured that any franchise good enough for a "2" AND a "3" was worth watching, and Googling. As "JR3" cued up, I quickly learned that none other than Paul Walker was in the original "Joy Ride". I like Paul Walker! Which means that if I was a girl, I could potentially date this guy:





I think there is no greater picture to put in a review of a movie where a demented truck driver tortures and kills teens than that picture. Don't you agree?

In case you aren't aware, the guy above is Tom Haverford from "Parks and Recreation". So funny! Tom has a list of "Oh No Nos!" Violate any of them, and he cannot date you. Number three on the Oh No No! list is that you must like Paul Walker movies. FULL DISCLOSURE - Although I do win on point 3, point 2 is that you have to like 90's R&B singers. So if I was a girl, Tom and I would not last. I don't like any 90's R&B singers. I can't even NAME any 90's R&B singers.

Where was I?

Oh yeah! "JR3" starts off with some meth heads running out of meth in a cheap rented motel room. It just so happens they have a CB radio, so the guy tells the girl to talk sexy on it and see if she can lure a trucker to their room for some robbery. Since she really needs the meth, she agrees. But wouldn't you know who the first trucker she finds is?

Rusty Nail!

He shows up and since he is an indestructible super-villian, he immediately immobilizes the meth heads. Then he chains them to the hood of his 18-wheeler. He tells them that if they can last a mile, he'll let them go. But if either one slips, then because of the way the chain is wrapped around his U-joint, both will be pulled under the truck and turned into methburgers.

Which is what ultimately happens, much to Rusty Nail's glee.

CUT TO: Some teens who are going to Canada for some big car race. They have their boss Subaru race car, and a chase truck with trailer. What they DON'T have is a map which can direct them to Canada via heavily-travelled roads. This will turn out to be a severe disadvantage.

On the way to Canada via lonely backroads, the race car pulls an impolite pass on an 18-wheeler. Guess who's 18-wheeler it is! Yep - good ol' Rusty Nail's!

Using his super-villian driving powers, he knocks the trailer off the chase truck. This scares the teens and they drive away. But not before Rusty Nail snaps a picture of their license plate and, using his super-villian computing skills, finds out all their names, addresses, and favorite TV shows. Then he raises them on his super-villian CB radio, which has an unlimited range, and messes with them.

It turns out these teens were not as smart as teenage me. Remember my great review of "Smokey and the Bandit"? You better, or I'll be heartbroken. I mentioned we had a CB radio at our house. After some consultation with my brother, we have determined that we actually interacted with Rusty Nail, back in the 70's. Now, keeping in mind that Rusty Nail was approximately 9 years old back then while we were around 16, here is the transcript of that conversation that my brother and I put together over a bottle of wine just now:

RODEOSCHRO/BROTHER OF RODEOSCHRO - Breaker breaker one-nine. Any hot-to-trot seat-covers out there?

RUSTY NAIL - This here is Rusty Nail, come back.

RS - You sound like a boy.

RUSTY NAIL - I am a boy. I am travelling the back roads of Baytown, Texas on my bicycle, which somehow has a CB radio that works. Don't ask me how.

RS - I won't, because we don't care. We're looking for some seat-covers. Do you know what seat-covers are?

RUSTY NAIL - Ummmmmm......things that cover seats?

RS - No, you pinhead. Seat-covers are girls. Specfically, hot girls. You are not a hot girl. So get off this channel right now.

RUSTY NAIL - Hey, nobody talks to Rusty Nail like that! You'll pay! Do you have a cat?

NOTE - We did not have a cat, but the neighbor had a horrible black tomcat that screamed all night.

RS - Yes, we do. It's a black tomcat that screams all night. Why do you ask?

RUSTY NAIL - You just wait and see.

RS - Whatever. Go back to your Legos or Scooby Doo toy truck.

EPILOGUE - We didn't find any seat-covers that night, and our neighbor never saw his cat again. We figured that all in all, the night was a success.

So anyway, Rusty Nail uses a bevy of super-villian tricks to decapitate and torture various teens. He appears to lose the ultimate battle, where a teen that just happens to know how to use a crane cruches Rusty Nail's 18-wheeler with Rusty Nail still in it. Of course, Rusty Nail is not killed and is last seen getting picked up by another trucker. For some reason, as Rusty Nail approaches the truck, he takes off his jacket and throws it into the bushes. I take this to mean that Rusty Nail killed the trucker and will be using that particular truck in "Joy Ride 4".

I have to give "Joy Ride 3" a very high rating. After all, it has scientific significance (SEE: my next review).

"Joy Ride 3" gets 4 Meth Head Bodies Turned To Hamburger out of a possible 5 Meth Head Bodies Turned To Hamburger. Watch it!

After reaching various states of delirious joy during "Joy Ride 3" I was to be brought down and yet vindicated by one truly awful movie - "The Circle".

More like "The Circle Jerk", amirite?!?

(I really, really tried to avoid that joke but the cosmos had other plans.)

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, the women chose this movie. Although, I didn't protest too much as the only other movie they'd agree to was the Amy Shumer trainwreck, "Snatched" (yes, I know Amy Shumer made a movie called "Trainwreck". That was the joke!).

"The Circle" stars Emma Watson. I don't know who Emma Watson is. I'm pretty sure she's one of those Various British Actresses Whose Movies I Have Never Seen. That group includes Kate Beckinsale, and maybe some other Emmas. I don't remember for sure.

I Googled her and sure enough - she's British! Well, she was born in Paris (France, not Texas) but raised in jolly old England. I'm worried about her, though.

She can't weigh 90 pounds. It hurt to watch her onscreen. And that's with the camera adding 10 pounds. She's so skinny that I felt the need to call an intervention. Clearly, she is too skinny. She's so skinny that some dude named Paolo Ballesteros just got 5 minutes of internet fame because he was able to use make-up to make himself look just like Emma Watson. That can't be good.

And neither is this movie. It is sooooooooooo stupid. It's beyond stupid. What is the word for something that is so stupid that the word "stupid" just isn't enough? Someone tell me, thanks.

Emma Watson plays a waif who has a dead-end job, a hippie mom, and a dad with MS. The dad is played by the awesome and incredibly-missed Bill Paxton. I don't know who played the hippie mom, but Emma Watson's best friend was played by my new favorite actress, Karen Gillan. She is also way too skinny but I think I could put some meat on her bones. Oh man, that came out wrong. Please forgive me.

Karen Gillan gets Emma Watson an interview with The Circle, which is clearly Facebook in disguise. The guy doing the interview is worthy of several punches in the mouth and sadly, I was soon to learn that he was just one of dozens of punchable Millenials in this movie.

In fact, this movie is so stupid that even with Tom Hanks in it for a few minutes, and also Patton Oswalt, basically I yelled out "MILLENIALS!" every time something stupid happened. I lost count after the 32nd time I screamed "MILLENIALS!"

For reasons that I could never explain to anyone not completely drunk, Emma Watson waifs her way to Tom Hanks's inner circle. In the process, she gets her friend Mercer killed. I just KNEW Mercer was going to die. I even said so the first second he appeared in the movie. And yeah, it was hard to squeeze "Hey girls - that guy is going to die!" in between shouts of "MILLENIALS!"

Emma Watson abandons all vestiges of integrity and character and lets the whole world see everything she does. The ONLY reason to ever watch this clusterfuss of a movie is to see some of the funny social comments that show up whenever Emma Watson does something interesting like closing a window, or walking through the quad.

But transparency has its downsides - specifically, Emma Watson checks in on her parents but it happens to be right in the middle of their device-assisted lovemaking. The social comments are pretty funny but unprintable on this family website.

If I recall correctly - and trust me, I did everything I could to forget this movie as soon as it was over - this is the impetus that makes Emma Watson start listening to The Mysterious Black Man who, it turns out, is the legendary guy that actually invented The Circle. But Tom Hanks and Patton Oswalt are using it for nefarious means, although exactly what nefarious means are never actually explained.

Karen Gillan loses her mind but gains integrity, and quits. Emma Watson and The Mysterious Black Guy hatch a plan to take down Tom Hanks and Patton Oswalt. It works.

Emma Watson ends up in a kayak on a Scottish lake, where she is followed and flimed by drones. She waves to them, and it turns out EVERYONE is followed by drones or cameras or something. Thankfully, the end.

When the credits came on the screen, all humans present agreed this was the stupidest movie we'd seen in a long, long time.

"The Circle" gets 5 pounds out of the 83 pounds that Emma Watson probably weighs. Enjoy a nice steak instead of this turkey.

.

[Edited 8/14/17 21:27pm]

Shame 2011- Performances are very good, Michael is brilliant here. I enjoyed the film a lot (specially watching georgeous Michael's dick hangin loose) although i don't think the plot is strong enough. 3/5

[Edited 8/15/17 17:20pm]

2045RadicalMattZ said:

Wow... Y'all DIDN'T like War for the Planet of the Apes?

I thought it was the best since Part I, although it does have its share of nods to Apocalypse Now.(This would've been inherent to any psychotic guy who espoused fear through threatening intimidating "leadership" however, especially if he was ex miiltary)

Yes, it's kinda like an Ape Moses story...but that's intended to make the foundation for the original series oddly enough. (making these a prequel of sorts) ...and the nod to Nova...that was funny.... maybe uneccessary but good for in jokes to fans of the original series.

It also does well to tell the story of humans as iredeemable....which leads to willful "selective memory" in future tales of Ape life....and sounds really plausible...cause that's how our history is written.....selectively by people in power.

It had me tense and gripped and dealt with their very real difficulties just trying to life a separate life. The mutating human-debilitating disease (though never "scientifically" EXPLAINED/rather suggested) was a good turmoil to make Caesar a redeemable person from his OWN hell... he spared the very asshole who murdered his family and saw his own pain as he saw himself fading away.

Mercy.

ANYWAYS... I thought that film was great 9/10 (cause 10 either has to mean it was incredible and changed my life or was soooo awesome and close to my mindset that it became a FAVORITE and made it up to 10)

Cinematography/Captures/Scenarios? 10/10 that film was shot and made use of nature as a second character almost in such a BEAUTIFUL...arresting way. Many scenes were immense and incredible.

The composition of Caesar's death was just beautiful...can't put it any other way. The film LOOK is incredible... Goes to show what a waste Tarantino did with the 70mm format he shot The H8ful Eight with.... this movie was obscenely beautiful.

BUT THEN AGAIN....I SAW IT OFF HOLLYWOOD BLVD at the VISTA THEATER....where they only have one screen...but God, was the presentation LOUD, CLEAR and IMMACULATE....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Anyways....

Last movie I saw: (last night) BABY DRIVER

Cute film that pretends its a crime mob flick, but really pulls out the stops as fun entertainment. I'm partial to QUEEN so the pay offs were pretty funny to me. Also loved the inclusion of Sam & Dave's most beautiful song.

That said....the lead actor isn't very engaging, the film reads like a comic book....which it basically is...Spacey is clowny in a bad wig, Foxx is pretty good in his role, but the tempo of the film doesn't disengage from the director's hold (tight, quick cuts) enough to let his character permeate anything. Second villain guy (don't know his name) is somewhat compelling in a B-Movie manner.... pretty enjoyable "romp" is what they'd call it. 7/10

(pretty damn entertaining...but the lady friend she didnt like it so much.... If you're a musician or music fan, you'll dig the humor, and identify with someone who basically surrounds himself with music)

Either way... I enjoyed it.

im with you on these 2 movies....

butter on the latch 3/5 girl tries to initiate a fling with a guy while attending a hippie chanting/drumming camp. alternates between fairly straightforward low-budget indie fare and some truly bizarre, dreamlike passages. could test the patience of some, & it perhaps has a bit of a feel of someone's artier-than-necessary film class project submission, but it has a weird, ethereal energy that i liked a fair bit.

[Edited 8/16/17 19:48pm]

.

4/5 - excellent movie - loved Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen (aka Hawkeye & Scarlet Witch).

.

Also great Graham Greene and Gil Birmingham performances.

.

Directed by Taylor Sheridan, the guy who wrote the also-excellent 'Hell or High Water.'

.

The climax was too conventional (and spelled out the 'mystery' a little too much), that's my only complaint.

.

Beautiful cinematography, shot in Park City UT (standing in for Wyoming).

brand upon the brain - 5/5 a man recounts his bizarre childhood while he repaints the lighthouse where he grew up. i love it when films create their own alternate universes where people act in ways that seem unrecognizable, yet still maintain a coherent, understandable world. thoroughly bizarre, untouchably singular & original, yet completely lovable.

[Edited 8/17/17 20:17pm]

damosuzuki said:

brand upon the brain - 5/5 a man recounts his bizarre childhood while he repaints the lighthouse where he grew up. i love it when films create their own alternate universes where people act in ways that seem unrecognizable, yet still maintain a coherent, understandable world. thoroughly bizarre, untouchably singular & original, yet completely lovable.

[Edited 8/17/17 20:17pm]

My Netflix account predicts I'll give it less than 3 stars but I trust you! In my long queue now.

namepeace said:

damosuzuki said:

brand upon the brain - 5/5 a man recounts his bizarre childhood while he repaints the lighthouse where he grew up. i love it when films create their own alternate universes where people act in ways that seem unrecognizable, yet still maintain a coherent, understandable world. thoroughly bizarre, untouchably singular & original, yet completely lovable.

[Edited 8/17/17 20:17pm]

My Netflix account predicts I'll give it less than 3 stars but I trust you! In my long queue now.

Holy crap, Netflix predicts stuff like that? God only knows what Netflix would predict for me, assuming there were ever any movies on Netflix that I would actually watch.

RodeoSchro said:

namepeace said:

My Netflix account predicts I'll give it less than 3 stars but I trust you! In my long queue now.

Holy crap, Netflix predicts stuff like that? God only knows what Netflix would predict for me, assuming there were ever any movies on Netflix that I would actually watch.

Their projected star ratings based on your movie tastes and personal ratings. They now only do "thumbs up/down" for streaming movies.

namepeace said:

RodeoSchro said:

Holy crap, Netflix predicts stuff like that? God only knows what Netflix would predict for me, assuming there were ever any movies on Netflix that I would actually watch.

Their projected star ratings based on your movie tastes and personal ratings. They now only do "thumbs up/down" for streaming movies.

I have compiled almost all my movie reviews on a Word document. It's 170 pages long. I'm going to send it to Netflix with the subject line "Hey Netflix - Here are movies I like or don't like. Please make movies like these available. I do not want to watch 70's teen movies; the second season of mediocre sitcoms; or Hitler documentaries".

RodeoSchro said:

namepeace said:

Their projected star ratings based on your movie tastes and personal ratings. They now only do "thumbs up/down" for streaming movies.

I have compiled almost all my movie reviews on a Word document. It's 170 pages long. I'm going to send it to Netflix with the subject line "Hey Netflix - Here are movies I like or don't like. Please make movies like these available. I do not want to watch 70's teen movies; the second season of mediocre sitcoms; or Hitler documentaries".

I love Hitler documentaries, what's wrong with them?

namepeace said:

damosuzuki said:

brand upon the brain - 5/5 a man recounts his bizarre childhood while he repaints the lighthouse where he grew up. i love it when films create their own alternate universes where people act in ways that seem unrecognizable, yet still maintain a coherent, understandable world. thoroughly bizarre, untouchably singular & original, yet completely lovable.

[Edited 8/17/17 20:17pm]

My Netflix account predicts I'll give it less than 3 stars but I trust you! In my long queue now.

no pressure, but if/when you do get around to watching it, i'd love to hear what you think. everyone's different of course, but at the least i think you will not find it cliched.

xx - 1.5/5 this horror anthology got a bit of attention last year mainly because all four segments are directed by women. it does avoid most standard horror/slasher elements, but aside from that none of them really distinguish themselves in either story or style. very bland and forgettable.

[Edited 8/20/17 6:10am]

It's National Eclipse Day here in America! Up is down! Black is white! I think we all get to have sex today!

Believe it or not, there are LOTS of people trying to get hook-ups during the eclipse. People are even advertising on Craigslist for sexual partners. Incredible! I bet that's never happened before. These people want to create a race of superbabies who are conceived during the 2 1/2 minutes of total eclipse. I'm guessing for most of these people, they're going to have about 2 minutes and 15 seconds of free Total Eclipse Time.

But everything is backwards today. So, in honor of that backwardness, I am going to go full "Seinfeld" and start from the end, and end at the start. To make this even better (as if that's possible!), I'm going to to use a Prince.org emoji to begin each sentence. You can probably get the entire gist of this movie just by following the emojis. Here we go!

This lowers the rating to and 1/2 .

I forgot - they never did say who killed the other altar boy, or why.

out of stars for this one.

Richard Gere is mad because Ed Norton made it all up and got away with murder.

Ed Norton made it all up! But in fact, he made up the simpleton guy Aaron. The ruthless killer Roy is the real Ed Norton! I give myself half-credit for my earlier prediction. See? I'm being honest. If I was a dishonest guy, all my predictions would be 100% correct. But since I missed on one - and admitted it - you know I'm a man of integrity (unless ALL of this is a hoax, which I admit is a possibility)

Richard Gere visits Ed Norton in jail, to tell him that the judge took over the trial and has found Norton innocent by reason of insanity. Norton is going to go free, but I bet you he made up this whole "Roy" thing. I wonder if I'm right?

Laura Linney lights a cigarette because her career is over.

Ed Norton goes beserk, becomes Roy, and attacks Laura Linney. She has no chance to light a cigarette.

Laura Linney cross-examines Ed Norton and makes him scared, and then mad

Richard Gere calls Ed Norton to the stand. I predicted this!

I predict Richard Gere is going to have to call Ed Norton to the stand.

Richard Gere is mad because now he knows Ed Norton is insane but, because the trial has already started and Gere made Norton take the Fifth when Norton pled, Gere cannot change the plea to "Innocent by Reason of Insanity". What can Gere do now?

Richard Gere meets with Ed Norton, makes him mad, and gets "Roy" to appear. "Roy" admits that he is the personality that killed the Archbishop, as well as the girl in the videotape

Somebody fishes a dead body out of the water. I think it's the other altar boy. I can't wait until they reveal who killed him! It couldn't have been Ed Norton - he's in jail and anyway, he has not ever killed anyone. We'll finally know who the REAL killer is!

Laura Linney is pensive and confused - much like ScarJo almost always is - so she smokes some cigarettes

Frances McDormand is a psychiatrist that has been interviewing Ed Norton. She and Richard Gere figure out that Norton has multiple personalities, including a real bada** named "Roy"

The dad from "Frasier" is mad at Richard Gere

Richard Gere and his partner find the other altar boy and get in a fight with him, but they subdue him and the kid confesses that yes, the Archbishop made him, Ed Norton and a girl have sex in front of him (the Archbishop)

Richard Gere finds the videotape of Ed Norton, another altar boy, and some girl having sex in front of - and at the direction of - the dead Archbishop. NOTE: The Archbishop was still alive when this tape was made

Richard Gere and Laura Linney meet at the local Attorneys Bar, where Laura Linney smokes some cigarettes. Yuck! Hopefully, this is the only time she will smoke any cigarettes. They discuss the case, which Laura Linney says through a haze of smoke that she does not believe she has a chance of losing

Laura Linney is the prosecutor. Man, is she hot! I sure hope she doesn't do something disgusting, like pick her nose or smoke cigarettes.

Richard Gere takes Ed Norton's case. Everyone in Chicago thinks Norton killed a beloved Archbishop

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! This is a psychological thriller, and I'm going to give away all the twists and surprises. You've been warned!

Now we're watching a Richard Gere lawyer movie called "Primal Fear".

Our son is watching "Hell or High Water" but doesn't want us to come in during the middle. So, he changes the channel to another movie

My wife and I get home after attending a night of music with friends. I sure hope something good is on TV!

.

[Edited 8/21/17 8:00am]

Charlies Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Truly guilty pleasure, fun to watch.

Grease 2 (1982)

The deep-fried cheeseburger on my film menu. Utterly awful movie, utterly great background noise. Michelle Pfeiffer was a pretty good dancer though.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

My favorite Coen Brothers movie featuring one of the greatest soundtracks of all time. :.25

RodeoSchro said:

It's National Eclipse Day here in America! Up is down! Black is white! I think we all get to have sex today!

Believe it or not, there are LOTS of people trying to get hook-ups during the eclipse. People are even advertising on Craigslist for sexual partners. Incredible! I bet that's never happened before. These people want to create a race of superbabies who are conceived during the 2 1/2 minutes of total eclipse. I'm guessing for most of these people, they're going to have about 2 minutes and 15 seconds of free Total Eclipse Time.

But everything is backwards today. So, in honor of that backwardness, I am going to go full "Seinfeld" and start from the end, and end at the start. To make this even better (as if that's possible!), I'm going to to use a Prince.org emoji to begin each sentence. You can probably get the entire gist of this movie just by following the emojis. Here we go!

This lowers the rating to and 1/2 .

I forgot - they never did say who killed the other altar boy, or why.

out of stars for this one.

Richard Gere is mad because Ed Norton made it all up and got away with murder.

Ed Norton made it all up! But in fact, he made up the simpleton guy Aaron. The ruthless killer Roy is the real Ed Norton! I give myself half-credit for my earlier prediction. See? I'm being honest. If I was a dishonest guy, all my predictions would be 100% correct. But since I missed on one - and admitted it - you know I'm a man of integrity (unless ALL of this is a hoax, which I admit is a possibility)

Richard Gere visits Ed Norton in jail, to tell him that the judge took over the trial and has found Norton innocent by reason of insanity. Norton is going to go free, but I bet you he made up this whole "Roy" thing. I wonder if I'm right?

Laura Linney lights a cigarette because her career is over.

Ed Norton goes beserk, becomes Roy, and attacks Laura Linney. She has no chance to light a cigarette.

Laura Linney cross-examines Ed Norton and makes him scared, and then mad

Richard Gere calls Ed Norton to the stand. I predicted this!

I predict Richard Gere is going to have to call Ed Norton to the stand.

Richard Gere is mad because now he knows Ed Norton is insane but, because the trial has already started and Gere made Norton take the Fifth when Norton pled, Gere cannot change the plea to "Innocent by Reason of Insanity". What can Gere do now?

Richard Gere meets with Ed Norton, makes him mad, and gets "Roy" to appear. "Roy" admits that he is the personality that killed the Archbishop, as well as the girl in the videotape

Somebody fishes a dead body out of the water. I think it's the other altar boy. I can't wait until they reveal who killed him! It couldn't have been Ed Norton - he's in jail and anyway, he has not ever killed anyone. We'll finally know who the REAL killer is!

Laura Linney is pensive and confused - much like ScarJo almost always is - so she smokes some cigarettes

Frances McDormand is a psychiatrist that has been interviewing Ed Norton. She and Richard Gere figure out that Norton has multiple personalities, including a real bada** named "Roy"

The dad from "Frasier" is mad at Richard Gere

Richard Gere and his partner find the other altar boy and get in a fight with him, but they subdue him and the kid confesses that yes, the Archbishop made him, Ed Norton and a girl have sex in front of him (the Archbishop)

Richard Gere finds the videotape of Ed Norton, another altar boy, and some girl having sex in front of - and at the direction of - the dead Archbishop. NOTE: The Archbishop was still alive when this tape was made

Richard Gere and Laura Linney meet at the local Attorneys Bar, where Laura Linney smokes some cigarettes. Yuck! Hopefully, this is the only time she will smoke any cigarettes. They discuss the case, which Laura Linney says through a haze of smoke that she does not believe she has a chance of losing

Laura Linney is the prosecutor. Man, is she hot! I sure hope she doesn't do something disgusting, like pick her nose or smoke cigarettes.

Richard Gere takes Ed Norton's case. Everyone in Chicago thinks Norton killed a beloved Archbishop

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! This is a psychological thriller, and I'm going to give away all the twists and surprises. You've been warned!

Now we're watching a Richard Gere lawyer movie called "Primal Fear".

Our son is watching "Hell or High Water" but doesn't want us to come in during the middle. So, he changes the channel to another movie

My wife and I get home after attending a night of music with friends. I sure hope something good is on TV!

the forbidden room -4/5 apparently this is mainly a compilation of short films shot daily in art gallery installations. a plot summary is beyond my capabilities, and probably pointless. i thought this was wonderfully trippy & bizarre, bursting with imagination & inventiveness, frequently hilarious and very often amazingly hypnotic to watch.

[Edited 8/21/17 17:19pm]

What we have here is a failure to communicate.


Actually, it’s worse than that. What we have here is a failure of the Always Go With RodeoSchro’s Entertainment Picks law of nature. Because, you see – I picked this movie.

We’re going to call this movie The Movie Version Of The Chicago Bears. It looks good on paper but on the field? Eh, not so much.

I thought I was safe picking this movie. It’s a Coen Brothers™ movie, and it has a cool ensemble cast. George Clooney, Josh Brolin, a non-pensive or confused ScarJo, Newman from “Seinfeld”, Magic Mike (I must be getting old because it took me over an hour to remember his name is Channing Tatum) and probably some cool people I didn’t recognize. Unfortunately I did recognize The Neck Beard a/k/a Jonah Hill. If this movie wasn’t lacking in so many areas, I’d just naturally lay all the blame on The Neck Beard but alas, The Neck Beard is only one of the movie’s many fatal flaws. But I digress.

The title of this movie brought back warm and fuzzy memories. See, we used to do a few deals with this guy who was famous/infamous. I’m not going to tell you his name. But he is a good guy. Was a good guy. He passed away a couple years ago. But this guy knew how to live!

His motto was, “It doesn’t cost that much more to go first class”. So that’s what he did. I don’t mean that the guy dripped gold or anything like that, although for awhile he was as rich as just about anyone in Texas. But rich, broke, or in-between he was just first-class cool. One time he was late for his flight on the Concorde, and Air France actually brought the Concorde back to the gate so he could get on it. If you have a cooler story than that, I’d like to hear it.

He kept an assistant named Caesar. Caesar did everything for this guy. Washed his car, drove his car, kept stuff up, kept the jet stocked, ferried women here and there – whatever. He was cool, too. Caesar was about 5’ 1” and always smiled. Whenever I’d see him I would shout “Hail, Caesar!” and thump my chest. It was our greeting.

Therefore, a movie named “Hail, Caesar!” just had to be awesome, right?

Wrong.

The Coen Brothers™ have a great track record. I guess they do, anyway. I don’t really keep up with who makes what movie, but I’ve heard good things about these guys. Didn’t they do “Fargo” and “O Brother Where Art Thou”? If so, then I like the Coen Brothers™. Also, I found out one of them is married to Frances McDormand which, in and of itself, guarantees that Coen Brother™ a place in the Cool Hall of Fame. Probably just a few spaces down from my friend.

The plot revolves around Commies, with a musical thrown in for laughs. What I mean is, this movie might have been good if it was just about Commies, or if it was just a musical, but not both. The end result is that nothing interesting happens.

George Clooney gets kidnapped by Commies, who want a ransom. All the Commies are screenwriters, which explains why so many bad movies were made in the late 40’s/early 50’s. But Clooney – who is 100% unbelievable playing a movie star – decides he likes his kidnappers and decides to be a Commie, too. Don’t despair. He’s only a Commie because he cannot see more than about 5 seconds into his future. Even though he was kidnapped off a movie set, and is still in his Roman gladiator costume, and is due on the set right now, he is enthralled by the Commies and their European cigarettes and just can’t help discussing Commie economics.

In a separate plot line, ScarJo gets knocked up by some unseen dude but falls for The Neck Beard when they meet at The Neck Beard’s office to discuss a phony-baloney adoption scheme. The scheme is not funny; The Neck Beard is not funny; but thankfully ScarJo and The Neck Beard continue their romance off-screen and we never see them again.

In another separate plot line, there’s this cowboy actor who……aww, who cares? Try as I might, I cannot make anything about this movie or any of its characters interesting. Not even my story about the real Hail Caesar! is really all that interesting, except to me.

There’s no doubt that however you list the Coen Brothers™ filmography, this one has to be at the bottom. I guess the exception does prove the rule; therefore, the Always Let RodeoSchro Pick The Movie law of nature is once again proved out.

I sadly give the movie version of “Hail Caesar!” only one of the numerous chest thumps I gave the real Hail Caesar.

Another tried-and-true RodeoSchro Movie Strategy is "Always go with Arnold". I employed this strategy less than 24 hours after waiting for something - anything - to happen in the afore-mentioned "Hail Caesar". So, after searching "Arnold" in my pathetic DirecTV menu, I found "Sabotage".

Game on!

In this movie, much like "Contraband" from two summers ago, there kind of aren't any good guys. They're all bad guys, just varying degrees of bad. Arnold is bad too. You know this because he has a couple neck tattoos.

Let's talk about tattoos. Now, know up front that it's your body. I want you to do what you want. Don't worry about me, or the fact that I have never seen a tattoo make anyone look better. I'm not judging your tattoo(es); I'm reasoning to myself why tattoos aren't right for a narcissist like me.

But there are some things about tattoos that I think are universal. Like, don't you want to see your tattoo? My understanding is that tattoos are neither cheap nor painless to get. So if you're going to shell out big bucks and undergo hours of pain, why would you put a tattoo somewhere you can never see it?

Unless your neck and eyes bend differently than mine, there's nowhere on your neck that you can see with the naked eye. Yes, you can look in a mirror. Or someone can take your picture. But the fact is that you aren't really seeing your neck tattoo with your own eyes - only a reflection of it. For something as personal and invested as a tattoo, that just doesn't make sense to me. Same with back tattoos. You can't see those with your naked eyes, either.

And what about chest tattoos? Yes, you can see them - but upside down. If I were to get a tattoo on my chest, I'd make sure it was upside down so that when I looked at it, I'd see it as it was meant to be. That's just common sense, people. I do NOT want to hear the joke about the blonde that had her address tattooed on her boobs. It was probably upside down, anyway.

I could bore you with the story of the guy in college that had a tattoo, and how some idiot Aggie dude tried to run him through with a sword because the guy was part of a college cheer that had the audacity to actually touch Texas A&M's field, but you can look that up on YouTube. The good news is The Best Team Money Could Buy (my SMU Mustangs) beat the piss, swords, and dogcrap out of the goofy Texas Aggies.

I don't think there were any Aggies in Arnold's DEA crew, but there were plenty of tattoos. Everyone had them, everywhere. Except for the one female member of the crew. Obviously, having no tattoos, she could not be trusted. Guess what mistake Arnold and his buddies make?

And you know what? The mistake was really Arnold's fault. See, the Arnold Crew busted some druggies in their mansion. Then, they stole $10 million of the cartel's money from the gigantic pile of money in the basement. They hid that money in the toilet drain pipe but when they went back to retrieve it, it was gone!

The DEA and the FBI knew there was $10 million missing and told Arnold, "Hey, we know you stole the druggies's money. If we don't get enough evidence to convict you, it doesn't matter. When the cartel finds out you stole their money, you guys are as good as dead". Arnold is not impressed, and leaves.

After a six-month DEA investigation that turns up nothing, Arnold gets the band back together again. But just then, people on his team start turning up dead. First, one guy gets trapped in his RV on some railroad tracks, and is turned into a Sloppy Joe by a locomotive. Then, another guy is killed and stapled to his ceiling. Arnold figures it's the cartel, killing the people that stole their money. Which is fine with him.

Because, it turns out, the cartel kidnapped Arnold's wife and son a few years back, and Arnold got them back - one piece at a time. If I have learned anything from watching Arnold movies, it's this - you don't draw and quarter anyone from Arnold's family. It will turn out bad for you if you do.

Arnold hopes to draw the cartel to him, but surprise! It's not the cartel doing the killing - it's Lizzy the Amazing Girl With No Tattoos. But I'm not really sure why. See, she doesn't know Arnold took the money they stole. As far as I know, she thought it was the cartel, just like everyone else thought too. But anyway, she kills as many of her own crew as she can before she confesses to her husband that she's having an affair with the one crew member she hasn't killed yet. Despite me yelling, "You'd have to be a fool to leave with her!", the dude leaves with her. He ends up dead but it's Arnold that kills him.

Just before Arnold pops Lizzy, he tells her it was him that stole the money. He needed it to go to Mexico and bribe the cops, so he could find the guy that fileted his family. Which is exactly what he does.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Well.....no one lived, presumably not even Arnold. But like I said - he really wasn't a good guy in this movie. He was just the least bad out of some bad guys.

Since I've re-established the Always Go With Arnold certitude, all is right in the world. Therefore, let the world know that "Sabotage" gets 4 upside-down chest tattoos out of 5 upside-down chest tattoos.

Don't laugh, you know I'm right.

.

[Edited 8/21/17 19:37pm]

RodeoSchro said:

What we have here is a failure to communicate.


Actually, it’s worse than that. What we have here is a failure of the Always Go With RodeoSchro’s Entertainment Picks law of nature. Because, you see – I picked this movie.

We’re going to call this movie The Movie Version Of The Chicago Bears. It looks good on paper but on the field? Eh, not so much.

I thought I was safe picking this movie. It’s a Coen Brothers™ movie, and it has a cool ensemble cast. George Clooney, Josh Brolin, a non-pensive or confused ScarJo, Newman from “Seinfeld”, Magic Mike (I must be getting old because it took me over an hour to remember his name is Channing Tatum) and probably some cool people I didn’t recognize. Unfortunately I did recognize The Neck Beard a/k/a Jonah Hill. If this movie wasn’t lacking in so many areas, I’d just naturally lay all the blame on The Neck Beard but alas, The Neck Beard is only one of the movie’s many fatal flaws. But I digress.

The title of this movie brought back warm and fuzzy memories. See, we used to do a few deals with this guy who was famous/infamous. I’m not going to tell you his name. But he is a good guy. Was a good guy. He passed away a couple years ago. But this guy knew how to live!

His motto was, “It doesn’t cost that much more to go first class”. So that’s what he did. I don’t mean that the guy dripped gold or anything like that, although for awhile he was as rich as just about anyone in Texas. But rich, broke, or in-between he was just first-class cool. One time he was late for his flight on the Concorde, and Air France actually brought the Concorde back to the gate so he could get on it. If you have a cooler story than that, I’d like to hear it.

He kept an assistant named Caesar. Caesar did everything for this guy. Washed his car, drove his car, kept stuff up, kept the jet stocked, ferried women here and there – whatever. He was cool, too. Caesar was about 5’ 1” and always smiled. Whenever I’d see him I would shout “Hail, Caesar!” and thump my chest. It was our greeting.

Therefore, a movie named “Hail, Caesar!” just had to be awesome, right?

Wrong.

The Coen Brothers™ have a great track record. I guess they do, anyway. I don’t really keep up with who makes what movie, but I’ve heard good things about these guys. Didn’t they do “Fargo” and “O Brother Where Art Thou”? If so, then I like the Coen Brothers™. Also, I found out one of them is married to Frances McDormand which, in and of itself, guarantees that Coen Brother™ a place in the Cool Hall of Fame. Probably just a few spaces down from my friend.

The plot revolves around Commies, with a musical thrown in for laughs. What I mean is, this movie might have been good if it was just about Commies, or if it was just a musical, but not both. The end result is that nothing interesting happens.

George Clooney gets kidnapped by Commies, who want a ransom. All the Commies are screenwriters, which explains why so many bad movies were made in the late 40’s/early 50’s. But Clooney – who is 100% unbelievable playing a movie star – decides he likes his kidnappers and decides to be a Commie, too. Don’t despair. He’s only a Commie because he cannot see more than about 5 seconds into his future. Even though he was kidnapped off a movie set, and is still in his Roman gladiator costume, and is due on the set right now, he is enthralled by the Commies and their European cigarettes and just can’t help discussing Commie economics.

In a separate plot line, ScarJo gets knocked up by some unseen dude but falls for The Neck Beard when they meet at The Neck Beard’s office to discuss a phony-baloney adoption scheme. The scheme is not funny; The Neck Beard is not funny; but thankfully ScarJo and The Neck Beard continue their romance off-screen and we never see them again.

In another separate plot line, there’s this cowboy actor who……aww, who cares? Try as I might, I cannot make anything about this movie or any of its characters interesting. Not even my story about the real Hail Caesar! is really all that interesting, except to me.

There’s no doubt that however you list the Coen Brothers™ filmography, this one has to be at the bottom. I guess the exception does prove the rule; therefore, the Always Let RodeoSchro Pick The Movie law of nature is once again proved out.

I sadly give the movie version of “Hail Caesar!” only one of the numerous chest thumps I gave the real Hail Caesar.

Ironically, I'm generally not a Coen Brothers™ fan, but I enjoyed this one.

Annabelle Creation - 3/5

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

damosuzuki said:

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

looks like u want " Tokyo Decadence"....THATS dark and perverse

damosuzuki said:

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

Audition? I see a number of movies with that title on IMDb.

luvsexy4all said:

damosuzuki said:

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

looks like u want " Tokyo Decadence"....THATS dark and perverse

I do recall that as being perverse.

Ace said:

damosuzuki said:

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

Audition? I see a number of movies with that title on IMDb.

i was thinking of the 1999 takashi miike film. it's become something of a cult favourite over the years. i haven't watched it in a good length time, but i remember it having one of the biggest shifts in tone i've ever seen in a movie. it started out as a rather breezy, lighthearted comedy about a lonely guy, then went dark. really dark. i really loved it a lot, and ought to revisit it to see how well it holds up to my memory...

luvsexy4all said:

damosuzuki said:

r100 - 2/5 japanese comedy (more or less) about a middle aged guy entering a year-long contract with a bondage club, where he will be attacked and humiliated by leather-bound doms at random moments. i went into this expecting something dark (perhaps a bit like audition), only to find this to be a fairly lightweight (despite the bdsm aspects) comedy, one that i didn't really find all that funny. or particularly sexy, for that matter. there was one scene (that seemed to go on forever) that did almost make me sick, though, to the point where i actually had to turn the film off and walk away for a while (and i've seen salo twice!).

[Edited 8/22/17 18:17pm]

looks like u want " Tokyo Decadence"....THATS dark and perverse

thanks for the heads-up! i'll try to track it down.

damosuzuki said:

luvsexy4all said:

looks like u want " Tokyo Decadence"....THATS dark and perverse

thanks for the heads-up! i'll try to track it down.

I remember liking it when I first saw it. It's very strange--like a Japanese David Lynch film.