RodeoSchro said:

I just walked out of "Dunkirk" and I literally mean I walked out of it. There's still an hour left. Worst movie I've seen in 20 years.

i'm catching it tomorrow, i hope. i'll let you know if i make it past the hour mark.

damosuzuki said:

RodeoSchro said:

damosuzuki said:

i'm catching it tomorrow, i hope. i'll let you know if i make it past the hour mark.

Good luck!

I'm seeing it later today. It's gotten great reviews.

Can you go more in depth as to why you walked out?

[Edited 7/22/17 12:27pm]

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

RodeoSchro said:

damosuzuki said: Good luck!

I'm seeing it later today. It's gotten great reviews.

Can you go more in depth as to why you walked out?

[Edited 7/22/17 12:27pm]

I don't know what else you need besides "It sucks", LOL. But actually, that's a good question. First, though - let me say:

SPOILERS AHEAD - At least, as many as can be with only seeing half a movie. SPOILERS AHEAD

Nothing freaking happens! The beginning is so stupid. Apparently there are 399,999 soldiers hanging out at the seaside, but there are still 5 British soldiers walking around town. Naturally 4 of them get mowed down by snipers. The fifth guy is, I guess, the hero? Who the f%^& knows?

He wanders onto the beach and joins the other 399,999 soldiers so now there are 400,000 soldiers looking for about 3 ships. Every now and then they get strafed by German planes. Not much fun! But still no plot, except for some bizarre shit like "1. The Mole" 2. The What the F^%*" etc. Maybe those...chapters? made sense later, but they sure didn't make any sense in the first hour of the movie.

The "hero" finds some dude who's mixed in with a lot of dead soldiers but actually he is still alive. So he and some other random dude put the guy on a stretcher and this is supposed to be their ticket to a boat. Except it doesn't work that way. They get the guy on a boat but they get kicked off because for some unfathomable reason, they are supposed to be at the end of the line. So they hide under the docks but good news! The boat they got kicked off of gets bombed and sinks. The "hero" and the other random dude jump into the water, so everyone thinks they were on the boat that got sunk. This gets them moved up to the front of the line!

They get on the replacement boat but it appears they are jinxes because that boat gets sunk, too.

There's some other story going on about an old guy and his two kids who take their boat across the channel to pick up some laddies at Dunkirk. On the way, they rescue a guy who is the sole survivor of a U-boat attack. He's shell-shocked, and ultimately but accidentally kills the old guys youngest son. It was at that point that I had enough, and left.

To summarize - I thought this movie sucked because: (1) There is no plot; (2) Nothing good ever happened to anyone; (3) the "hero" was a line-jumper who may have condemned some of his other soldiers to death, so screw him; (4) my seat broke and I couldn't get the recliner to work; and (5) this is nothing more than a 1996-ear History Channel documentary, but without a narrator or present-day eyewitness interviews.

But really, this was my fault. On the way into the movie, we ran into some friends who had just seen it. I asked the dad - a guy my age, and one of the nicest, most upbeat guys ever - if the movie was any good. "The cinematography was tremendous!" Cool, but were there any laughs? "No, but the cinematography was tremendous!"

I should have known better, and made my family see "Girls Trip".

Well, I have rambled on enough about what a crapfest of a movie "Dunkirk" is. I'm sure it will win multiple Academy Awards for cinematography.

Time for some good old American blood and guts! And a redemption tour while we're at it! Who else could that mean but.........

MEL GIBSON

I watched his kick-ass comeback movie "Blood Father". In it, he plays a father, and there is a LOT of blood. And unlike "Dunkirk", a plot, too!

In fact, just for fun, and just because I kind of feel like peeing on "Dunkirk" some more, let's compare the two movies in every important category:

PLOT
"Dunkirk" - Has no plot

"Blood Father" - Awesome plot! Mel Gibson is a new ex-con in AA, but his daughter is a runaway who hangs out with the wrong crowd, i.e. Sinaloa Cowboys. She is supposed to kill some girl but instead she kills her boyfriend (she thinks!) and then finds her dad to ask him for help. And help he does!

ACTORS
"Dunkirk" - a bunch of nobodies. I heard someone named Tom Hardy was in it but since I don't know who he is, so what?

"Blood Father" - Mel Gibson. If and when I become convinced he's sorry for his rampages of a few years back, he'll once again be called Mel Freaking Gibson. In fact, for purposes of this movie only, he IS Mel Freaking Gibson. Also in this movie is William H. Macy. I don't know who Tom Hardy is, but I know for a fact he isn't as good an actor as William H. Macy, because honestly who is? Finally, a cute young girl name Erin Moriarity is in this, too. And finally finally, the baddest collection of face-tattooed dudes you will EVER see!

ACTION
"Dunkirk" - Horrible action! All the good guys die! And you NEVER see a bad die guy, except for the random shooting down of a German plane. But even then, the Germans shoot down lots of Brits first. Adding to that, most of the action I saw centered around guys drowning (the worst way to go, if you ask me), and random killings of young boys (the worst thing to show, if you ask me).

"Blood Father" - Classic action! Mel Freaking Gibson is one bad mother! He takes no crap off ANYONE. Attack his trailer? He'll stab your hand and call you a punk! Try to shoot him off his motorcycle? He'll make you run headfirst into an 18-wheeler and as it's turning you into roadkill, he'll just say, "We're good. Hang on!" Kidnap his daughter and hold her in the desert? No problem - he'll bobby-trap his motorcycle to blow you to Kingdom Come, and then shoot whoever is still alive. And if you survive THAT? Again - no problem! He'll use his all-encompassing prison connections to make sure some face-tattooed guys kill you in the joint!

VEHICLES
"Dunkirk" - Some ratty old boats and a few vintage airplanes

"Blood Father" - A ratty old Chevy Nova and some boss Harley-Davidson motorcycles!

CINEMATOGRAPHY
"Dunkirk" - Very successful at making Britain look like a shithole

"Blood Father" - Very successful at making various California shitholes look like Badass, Incorporated!

SUMMARY
There is no category in which "Dunkirk" is better than "Blood Father". And more importantly - "Blood Father" is the kick-ass blood-and-guts Mel Freaking Gibson movie you've been waiting for since "Payback"!

RATING
"Dunkirk" - Poop

"Blood Father" - 14.5 face tattoos out of 15 face tattoos (which is the average number of face tattoos that the bad guys all have)

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

RodeoSchro said:

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

Dunkirk 8/10 First and foremost, I have to say a couple of things straight off. 1. It’s a dry movie. As in no humor or “quirky” or “funny” or “fun” characters. Just real people behaving like people would under these circumstances. Which is refreshing really. 2. It’s the work of a craftsman. Every little detail is paid full attention to. 3. It’s gorgeous to look at. 4. I saw it on IMAX and recommend everyone seeing it in IMAX. 5. The sound is AMAZING! 6. The story sobering and moving. That out of the way, I give props to violent movies, and especially war movies to show the cost and consequence of things. Of actions. That’s what I said I appreciated most of the mindless but wonderful Baby Driver. That everything has a price. This is intelligent adult entertainment. Something sorely missing in films today. I thoroughly enjoyed every second of this film and give major props to Christopher Nolan for telling this story in such a way. PS: if you walked out of this movie half way through, you missed half of one of the best movies of the year. [Edited 7/22/17 21:18pm]

😀 All I want to know is if the good guys won or not.

I'm pretty sure Hitler lost.

the taking of pelham 123 (1974) 4/5 criminals highjack a subway car and threaten to execute hostages unless they're paid $1million. exciting, tight as a drum skin, & not a bit of flab to be found. also works as a look into 70s era urban decay & paranoia, somewhat like john carpenter's assault on precinct 13, though i'd say pelham is a much better, more exciting movie.

I also watched 'a prophet' last night, a french film about a young guy, a kid really, who climbs the ranks of the prison crime ladder during his term. i thought the first 45 minutes or so were truly tense & gripping and appropriately brutal, but around the hour mark this began to feel repetitive and tedious, and i found myself lost in an undifferentiated haze of multiple gangs and day paroles and testicular cancer. 3/5

[Edited 7/23/17 14:10pm]

Logan (2017) What can I say? Hugh Jackman's performance was emotional, thought provoking and amazing as the vulnerable, broken down and aging Wolverine. The supporting cast led by Patrick Stewart and Dafne Keen was also great. A phenomenal way the end the trilogy I give it a 4.5 out of 5

^Now That is a review!

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

RodeoSchro said:

Ugot2shakesumthin said: 😀 All I want to know is if the good guys won or not.

I'm pretty sure Hitler lost.

In the movie? Did the movie go all the way to 1945?

RodeoSchro said:

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

RodeoSchro said:

In the movie? Did the movie go all the way to 1945?

1945? *spoiler We’re way up in da two thousands.

But the movie was set in 1940, during which time Hitler was winning.

dunkirk - 5/5 like nolan's other recent films, this really has to be seen on the largest screen with the best available soundsystem (& make sure your theatre is playing it loud) to be truly appreciated. unlike those other films, this is perfectly trim & lean, with no excess storytelling beyond the few spare details you need to know. there's one sole moment that perhaps felt a bit hollywood-ish & false, where the score is a little too insistent on pushing a moment of triumph on you, but otherwise i think this was note-perfect, intense, nerve-wracking & one of the best illustrations of film letting you understand what it would be like to live in a certain moment.

[Edited 7/24/17 10:28am]

RodeoSchro said:

damosuzuki said:

Pretty in Pink 8/10

Believe it or not, today was the first time ever seeing this film.

Contrary to what I believed, this film was produced by John Hughes but directed by Howard Deutch.

The cinematography by Tak Fujimoto is simply gorgeous. Looks so crisp sharp and beautiful. He has shot a lot of classic movies including Silence of The Lambs, The Sixth Sense, and Philadelphia. Simply fantastic.

The story is a sweet and simple teen high school love story told with a deft touch by director Howard Deutch and features a lot of great music and is one of the best slices of 80's I've seen in film. The record shop scenes alone are wonderful time travel pieces.

The acting by Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, Jon Cryer, Andrew McCarthy and a "look at his fantastic hair!" James Spader. Also in the cast is Annie Potts and Gina Gershon all doing a great job.

2045RadicalMattZ said:

Saw that thing for the first time like 5 years ago. It irritated the fuck out of me. SHE CLEARLY SHOULD GO WITH DUCKY and accept that her friend she admired is a rich selfish scumbag with no redeemable qualities. It was only when we listened to the commentary that it was clear that the ending was tagged on. They even mentioned why the lead asshole's hair was weird (*it was a WIG and he'd been reshooting for PRETTY IN PINK while simultaneously shooting a WAR film (*shaved head)] Then. ...and only then did it make sense. They cut their own balls off to appease class jumping hussies. It was NEVER intended that she goes back to the guy that emotionally abused her. I felt disgusted when i first saw it because it didn't make any damn sense. Thank god for DVD commentary. It was a good film until the cop out. A total buddy film

Yeah, the ending with duckie did not test well with test audiences so they changed it. Then OMD had to write a new song within 24hrs and delivered "if you leave" for the end scenes. Which is a good thing to come out of the change of the ending.

Ugot2shakesumthin said:

Pretty in Pink 8/10

Believe it or not, today was the first time ever seeing this film.

Contrary to what I believed, this film was produced by John Hughes but directed by Howard Deutch.

The cinematography by Tak Fujimoto is simply gorgeous. Looks so crisp sharp and beautiful. He has shot a lot of classic movies including Silence of The Lambs, The Sixth Sense, and Philadelphia. Simply fantastic.

The story is a sweet and simple teen high school love story told with a deft touch by director Howard Deutch and features a lot of great music and is one of the best slices of 80's I've seen in film. The record shop scenes alone are wonderful time travel pieces.

The acting by Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, Jon Cryer, Andrew McCarthy and a "look at his fantastic hair!" James Spader. Also in the cast is Annie Potts and Gina Gershon all doing a great job.

This movie originally ended with Ringwald and Cryer falling in love with each other. But the test audiences hated that and wanted to see her with McCarthy. So they want back and re-shot.

I liked the Hughes teen stuff as a....uh...teen , but I can't watch it now. Gives me douchechills. But that's just me.

Glad you enjoyed it. Forgot that Hughes did not direct and did not know that info about the cinematographer!

The Little Hours (2017) - In the Middle Ages, a young servant fleeing from his master takes refuge at a convent full of emotionally unstable nuns. Introduced as a deaf mute man, he must fight to hold his cover as the nuns try to resist temptation.

Goofy comedies like this are generally not my thing, but the cast featuring Alison Brie and Aubrey Plaza and the ribald script involving nuns sold me. 3/5

Ace said:

No war movies. Make another movie like Insomnia Nolan?

Monday night the womenfolk said, "What's on TV?!? We want a movie!" So my wife tuned into "Batman vs. Superman".

"You won't like that movie, it's very stupid," I said. "Why?" asked the ever-inquisitive Mrs. RodeoSchro. "Because," I said, "They make Superman the bad guy when we all know he represents truth, justice and the American Way. Superman can never be the bad guy because he's always the good guy. No exceptions. But then they make him fight The Batman and if you can believe it, The Batman wins. We all know Superman is invincible and would break The Batman in two within the blink of an eye. Also, they refer to The Batman as just 'Batman' and you know that's wrong".

"You are so right!" exclaimed Mrs. RodeoSchro. "I'm very glad I married you! Here, please take the clicker and find us some quality entertainment". Guess what I found?!?

"Blood Father"! And it was on Starz, so no curse words were bleeped!

Therefore, we watched "Blood Father" and it was just as awesome as it was the first time I watched it. All parties enjoyed it, especially my favorite mother-in-law. My rating of 14 1/2 Face Tattoos has stood the test of time, even if that test has only lasted three days so far.

But that was just a prelude to Tuesday afternoon, because the ladies left on a 1 1/2 hour shopping trip. This left me enough time to do the following two things:

Five minutes - procure vodka and cranberry juice

One hour twenty-five minutes - Watch "Hobo With A Shotgun"!!!!!!!!!

OH HELL YES!

This movie is so over-the-top awesome that I don't even know where to begin. I guess the beginning is a good place to begin. So......

Rutger Hauer - man, just say that name. Rutger. Hauer. It sounds like a gun! "Get me my Rutger Hauer, I have some demons that need shooting!" Rutger Hauer is the PERFECT man to be a Hobo With A Shotgun. Trust me on this.

Rutger (we're on a first name basis now, much like I am with Arnold, Sly and Bruce) is a hobo who jumps off the train in Funky Town. Actually, it was called Hope Town, but is now known as Scum Town. And guess who the scum is? Yep - homeless people, a/k/a hobos. And Ruter is a hobo!

But he just wants to be left alone. In fact, he wants to earn enough money to buy a lawnmower. Somehow though, Hobo With A Lawn Mower doesn't have the same ring to it as Hobo With A Shotgun does. And honestly, when you hear what a poophole Scum Town is, you too will wonder about the logic of owning a lawn mower in this town.

Scum Town is run by The Drake. No, I am not kidding - that is his name. Love The Drake! Hate The Drake! The Drake is a common name for a villian. Here are the various Drakes that are universally despised as bad guys:


THE DRAKE FROM "SEINFELD":





THE DRAKE FROM THAT HORRIBLE FILM "EXTRACTION":





THE DRAKE FROM "HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN":





ALLEGED MUSICIAN FROM CANADA:






I think the best piece of advice I can give you is that you should never, ever name any child you have "Drake". Clearly you would be dooming that child to a lifetime of evil mediocrity.

Where were we? Oh yeah - shotgun time!

The Drake decaptiates his brother in a particularly gruesome manner (see picture above): He puts a manhole cover around his brother's neck, lowers his brother into a manhole so that the brother's head is popping out at street level, places a barbed-wire noose around said brother's neck, and then has his two sons Slick and Ivan hit the gas and pull the brother's head off via barbed-wire noose. Ouch, that had to hurt! All this was done to punish The Drake's brother, and to instill fear in the townfolk.

The Drake's sons are particularly violent. Even though Ivan looks EXACTLY like Tom Cruise from "Risky Business", both brothers take delight in killing people in imaginative and bloody ways. Rutger happens upon one such incident in which Slick is going to boink a hooker and then kill her. Rutger intervenes, knocks out Slick, and carries Slick over his shoulder to the police station, where he deposits the unconscious Slick on the police department desk. The Chief of Police takes Rutger into an interrogation room where he tells Rutger that he is very happy someone finally put Slick in his place. The Chief says he's had enough of The Drake's reign of terror and is glad for Rutger's help. But....surprise!

The Chief is just BS'ing Rutger, which we learn when Slick enters the room. He and the Chief subdue Rutger and carve "SCUM" on his chest. Then they throw him in a dumpster, where he is rescued by the same hooker who he saved from Slick. Now, you might think this motivates Rutger to buy a shotgun and get his revenge, but you'd be wrong.

It just makes Rutger more determined to buy that lawn mower!

So determined that he goes to a guy who films Bumfights and does some degrading things for dough, ending with him chewing up some glass. Bleeding from the mouth, Rutger takes his dough to the pawn shop to buy that lawn mower. But wouldn't you know it - three masked robbers burst in and threaten to kill a little baby unless they get all the money from the cash register.

Now, THIS is the breaking point for Rutger and luckily there is a loaded shotgun right above his beloved lawn mower. Rutger administers some shotgun justice to the robbers and discovers that he very much likes blowing the real scumbags to bits. He goes on a rampage, killing all sorts of creeps including the guy who filmed his Bumfight, as well as a pedophile, and various other losers.

Rutger gains popularity, what with awesome newspaper headlines like "Hobo Stops Begging, Demands Change"; "Parents Smile As Bodies Smile"; and "Hobo Delivers Justice One Shell At A Time". Then the TV news guys do a story about Rutger but this really makes The Drake mad, so he shows up and kills the TV anchor and announces that if you thought things were bad before, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

And he isn't kidding. He sends Slick and Ivan out to do whatever they want. The first thing the boys do is show up at a school bus. With a boombox. That is playing "Disco Inferno". And Slick has a flamethrower on his back. Can you guess what happens next?

It sure does. Wow. The Drake and his boys are not kidding around!

The whole town has been ordered to bring Rutger in and if that isn't enough, The Drake calls in The Plague. The Plague consists of two ersatz Robocops who apparently have killed everyone from Jesus to Abraham Lincoln.

Rutger is chillaxing at the hooker's apartment when Slick and Ivan show up. Rutger fries Ivan with a toaster, but that doesn't kill him. Meanwhile, Slick is in the process of sawing off the hooker's head with a hand saw. Rutger bursts in and rescues the hooker, and then shoots off Slick's penis.

Of course, shotguns are not known for surgical precision shots. So in the course of shooting off Slick's penis, Rutger also shot off pretty much all of Slick's guts. Slick is dying and knows it, but is able to call his dad to tell him, "The Hobo shot my dick off! I'm not going to make it, dad!"

The Drake gets all sentimental and says "Your mother would be proud of you". We never get to see The Drake's Wife, but I sure wish we could have. She must have been some piece of work!

Rutger takes the hooker to a hospital and demands they sew her head back on, which they do. But The Plague shows up. They have Bat Utility Belts with various killing weapons. Their favorite thing to do is machete someone's leg while they try to run away, and then shoot a noose around their neck. Then they shoot some crossbow-arrow-looking thing into the ceiling, which results in their victim's hanging. They do this three or four times while looking for Rutger.

After Rutger has made sure the hooker is OK he ambles around the hospital, ending up in the Maternity Ward. He looks at all the little babies (who begin crying their heads off) and says, "You are the future. You could be doctors, or lawyers, or something good. But not if you stay here. If you stay in this town, you'll end up like me - a hobo with a shotgun."

YES.

Remember The Plague? They are still there, looking for Rutger. They find him and capture him, putting him in a metal coffin that they drag to The Drake. The Drake puts the dreaded Manhole Necklace on Rutger, and takes him outside for the Barbed Wire Decapitation of the Decade. The whole town is there!

But unknown to The Drake, the hooker had miraculously recovered, gone to the pawn shop and modified the shotgun with several axes AND modifed the lawnmower blades into a shield/cutting machine, and had delivered a monologue to the townspeople which made them realize that the homeless people are really the good guys.

The hooker shows up just in the nick of time and frees Rutger. Then she kills one of The Plague with her lawnmower shield, but The Drake gets the jump on her and shears off one of her hands with her own lawnmover shield. The hooker has nothing but a bone left on her left arm, but she uses that bone as a stabbing instrument, gutting The Drake.

Impressed by her savagery, the remaining Plague robocop asks her to replace the Plague guys she just killed, but she passes (although in an alternate ending, she agrees and they turn her arm stump into a whole bunch of shotguns). So, the Plague bids everyone farewell and leaves.

Which leaves The Drake lying in the street, bleeding to death. Rutger puts a shotgun in his mouth but just then the cops show up. They tell Rutger to let The Drake go, and are answered with 500 townspeople pulling guns and aiming them at the cops. Rutger assesses the situation and tells The Drake, "We're both going to hell, but you're riding shotgun!" And BOOM! The Drake is blown away but sadly, so is Rutger. The end.

This is easily the greatest movie you will see this summer. Find it online (which I think is the only way to find it). I found it at www.ffilms.org. Have some adult beverages. Enjoy this masterpiece.

I rate this film as PERFECT.


.

[Edited 7/26/17 12:45pm]

RodeoSchro said:

Monday night the womenfolk said, "What's on TV?!? We want a movie!" So my wife tuned into "Batman vs. Superman".

"You won't like that movie, it's very stupid," I said. "Why?" asked the ever-inquisitive Mrs. RodeoSchro. "Because," I said, "They make Superman the bad guy when we all know he represents truth, justice and the American Way. Superman can never be the bad guy because he's always the good guy. No exceptions. But then they make him fight The Batman and if you can believe it, The Batman wins. We all know Superman is invincible and would break The Batman in two within the blink of an eye. Also, they refer to The Batman as just 'Batman' and you know that's wrong".

"You are so right!" exclaimed Mrs. RodeoSchro. "I'm very glad I married you! Here, please take the clicker and find us some quality entertainment". Guess what I found?!?

"Blood Father"! And it was on Starz, so no curse words were bleeped!

Therefore, we watched "Blood Father" and it was just as awesome as it was the first time I watched it. All parties enjoyed it, especially my favorite mother-in-law. My rating of 14 1/2 Face Tattoos has stood the test of time, even if that test has only lasted three days so far.

But that was just a prelude to Tuesday afternoon, because the ladies left on a 1 1/2 hour shopping trip. This left me enough time to do the following two things:

Five minutes - procure vodka and cranberry juice

One hour twenty-five minutes - Watch "Hobo With A Shotgun"!!!!!!!!!

OH HELL YES!

This movie is so over-the-top awesome that I don't even know where to begin. I guess the beginning is a good place to begin. So......

Rutger Hauer - man, just say that name. Rutger. Hauer. It sounds like a gun! "Get me my Rutger Hauer, I have some demons that need shooting!" Rutger Hauer is the PERFECT man to be a Hobo With A Shotgun. Trust me on this.

Rutger (we're on a first name basis now, much like I am with Arnold, Sly and Bruce) is a hobo who jumps off the train in Funky Town. Actually, it was called Hope Town, but is now known as Scum Town. And guess who the scum is? Yep - homeless people, a/k/a hobos. And Ruter is a hobo!

But he just wants to be left alone. In fact, he wants to earn enough money to buy a lawnmower. Somehow though, Hobo With A Lawn Mower doesn't have the same ring to it as Hobo With A Shotgun does. And honestly, when you hear what a poophole Scum Town is, you too will wonder about the logic of owning a lawn mower in this town.

Scum Town is run by The Drake. No, I am not kidding - that is his name. Love The Drake! Hate The Drake! The Drake is a common name for a villian. Here are the various Drakes that are universally despised as bad guys:


THE DRAKE FROM "SEINFELD":





THE DRAKE FROM THAT HORRIBLE FILM "EXTRACTION":





THE DRAKE FROM "HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN":





ALLEGED MUSICIAN FROM CANADA:






I think the best piece of advice I can give you is that you should never, ever name any child you have "Drake". Clearly you would be dooming that child to a lifetime of evil mediocrity.

Where were we? Oh yeah - shotgun time!

The Drake decaptiates his brother in a particularly gruesome manner (see picture above): He puts a manhole cover around his brother's neck, lowers his brother into a manhole so that the brother's head is popping out at street level, places a barbed-wire noose around said brother's neck, and then has his two sons Slick and Ivan hit the gas and pull the brother's head off via barbed-wire noose. Ouch, that had to hurt! All this was done to punish The Drake's brother, and to instill fear in the townfolk.

The Drake's sons are particularly violent. Even though Ivan looks EXACTLY like Tom Cruise from "Risky Business", both brothers take delight in killing people in imaginative and bloody ways. Rutger happens upon one such incident in which Slick is going to boink a hooker and then kill her. Rutger intervenes, knocks out Slick, and carries Slick over his shoulder to the police station, where he deposits the unconscious Slick on the police department desk. The Chief of Police takes Rutger into an interrogation room where he tells Rutger that he is very happy someone finally put Slick in his place. The Chief says he's had enough of The Drake's reign of terror and is glad for Rutger's help. But....surprise!

The Chief is just BS'ing Rutger, which we learn when Slick enters the room. He and the Chief subdue Rutger and carve "SCUM" on his chest. Then they throw him in a dumpster, where he is rescued by the same hooker who he saved from Slick. Now, you might think this motivates Rutger to buy a shotgun and get his revenge, but you'd be wrong.

It just makes Rutger more determined to buy that lawn mower!

So determined that he goes to a guy who films Bumfights and does some degrading things for dough, ending with him chewing up some glass. Bleeding from the mouth, Rutger takes his dough to the pawn shop to buy that lawn mower. But wouldn't you know it - three masked robbers burst in and threaten to kill a little baby unless they get all the money from the cash register.

Now, THIS is the breaking point for Rutger and luckily there is a loaded shotgun right above his beloved lawn mower. Rutger administers some shotgun justice to the robbers and discovers that he very much likes blowing the real scumbags to bits. He goes on a rampage, killing all sorts of creeps including the guy who filmed his Bumfight, as well as a pedophile, and various other losers.

Rutger gains popularity, what with awesome newspaper headlines like "Hobo Stops Begging, Demands Change"; "Parents Smile As Bodies Smile"; and "Hobo Delivers Justice One Shell At A Time". Then the TV news guys do a story about Rutger but this really makes The Drake mad, so he shows up and kills the TV anchor and announces that if you thought things were bad before, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

And he isn't kidding. He sends Slick and Ivan out to do whatever they want. The first thing the boys do is show up at a school bus. With a boombox. That is playing "Disco Inferno". And Slick has a flamethrower on his back. Can you guess what happens next?

It sure does. Wow. The Drake and his boys are not kidding around!

The whole town has been ordered to bring Rutger in and if that isn't enough, The Drake calls in The Plague. The Plague consists of two ersatz Robocops who apparently have killed everyone from Jesus to Abraham Lincoln.

Rutger is chillaxing at the hooker's apartment when Slick and Ivan show up. Rutger fries Ivan with a toaster, but that doesn't kill him. Meanwhile, Slick is in the process of sawing off the hooker's head with a hand saw. Rutger bursts in and rescues the hooker, and then shoots off Slick's penis.

Of course, shotguns are not known for surgical precision shots. So in the course of shooting off Slick's penis, Rutger also shot off pretty much all of Slick's guts. Slick is dying and knows it, but is able to call his dad to tell him, "The Hobo shot my dick off! I'm not going to make it, dad!"

The Drake gets all sentimental and says "Your mother would be proud of you". We never get to see The Drake's Wife, but I sure wish we could have. She must have been some piece of work!

Rutger takes the hooker to a hospital and demands they sew her head back on, which they do. But The Plague shows up. They have Bat Utility Belts with various killing weapons. Their favorite thing to do is machete someone's leg while they try to run away, and then shoot a noose around their neck. Then they shoot some crossbow-arrow-looking thing into the ceiling, which results in their victim's hanging. They do this three or four times while looking for Rutger.

After Rutger has made sure the hooker is OK he ambles around the hospital, ending up in the Maternity Ward. He looks at all the little babies (who begin crying their heads off) and says, "You are the future. You could be doctors, or lawyers, or something good. But not if you stay here. If you stay in this town, you'll end up like me - a hobo with a shotgun."

YES.

Remember The Plague? They are still there, looking for Rutger. They find him and capture him, putting him in a metal coffin that they drag to The Drake. The Drake puts the dreaded Manhole Necklace on Rutger, and takes him outside for the Barbed Wire Decapitation of the Decade. The whole town is there!

But unknown to The Drake, the hooker had miraculously recovered, gone to the pawn shop and modified the shotgun with several axes AND modifed the lawnmower blades into a shield/cutting machine, and had delivered a monologue to the townspeople which made them realize that the homeless people are really the good guys.

The hooker shows up just in the nick of time and frees Rutger. Then she kills one of The Plague with her lawnmower shield, but The Drake gets the jump on her and shears off one of her hands with her own lawnmover shield. The hooker has nothing but a bone left on her left arm, but she uses that bone as a stabbing instrument, gutting The Drake.

Impressed by her savagery, the remaining Plague robocop asks her to replace the Plague guys she just killed, but she passes (although in an alternate ending, she agrees and they turn her arm stump into a whole bunch of shotguns). So, the Plague bids everyone farewell and leaves.

Which leaves The Drake lying in the street, bleeding to death. Rutger puts a shotgun in his mouth but just then the cops show up. They tell Rutger to let The Drake go, and are answered with 500 townspeople pulling guns and aiming them at the cops. Rutger assesses the situation and tells The Drake, "We're both going to hell, but you're riding shotgun!" And BOOM! The Drake is blown away but sadly, so is Rutger. The end.

This is easily the greatest movie you will see this summer. Find it online (which I think is the only way to find it). I found it at www.ffilms.org. Have some adult beverages. Enjoy this masterpiece.

I rate this film as PERFECT.


.

[Edited 7/26/17 12:45pm]

Ace said:

RodeoSchro said:

<Various funny stuff deleted for brevity>

This is easily the greatest movie you will see this summer. Find it online (which I think is the only way to find it). I found it at www.ffilms.org. Have some adult beverages. Enjoy this masterpiece.

I rate this film as PERFECT.


.

[Edited 7/26/17 12:45pm]

I watched the fake trailer from "Grindhouse" and wow! The guy basically took the trailer and added 1 hour and fifteen minutes of great, bloody action!

Finally got around to see this movie on DVD, give it a B. Was better than what ALL the Marvel haters out there said.