Today is a Sad Day. A Very Sad Day. And I blame it all on "The Kingsmen - One Day Service Dry Cleaners" or whatever the title was. It had something to do with service but I promise you - that service did NOT include entertainment. But enough about them. Let's talk about me some more.

As you know, I am always locked in battle over what movie should we watch. And, I'm always outnumbered when it comes to the male-female dynamic. So I have to make extra-good arguments in order to see Arnold Schwarzenegger, Slyvester Stallone or Jason Statham lay waste to entire populations.

Lately, the women have been doing my work for me by choosing turkeys like "While We're Young" and "Get Hard" (still the worst movie of 2014, despite the absurdity of "The Kingsmen - And We're Not The Kingsmen That Did Louie Louie"). Those bombs made my choices look extra good - case in point, the magnificent "Run All Night". My womenfolk are convinced it's going to be up for a dozen Oscars, simply because we watched it after ditching the multiple-career-ending "Get Hard". So I was rolling!

And then I picked "The Kingsmen - Yes We Made An Anal Joke Our Centerpiece".

This movie is just stupid. Out and out stupid, not to mention boring, too. Also, pretty offensive. But other than that, it's really good.

It revolves around some snobs that are supposed to be secret agents. Except all you ever see is them screwing up and getting blown up, or sliced in half by a woman with no feet. So they need some new recruits.

Each Kingsman gets to pick a recruit, so Galahad (they're all named after knights from King Arthur's court, except no one can remember any knights except Galahad and Lancelot, so those are the only names you ever hear, not counting Arthur) picks the son of a Kingsman that had died 17 years ago, saving Galahad's life after Galahad screwed up and didn't realize a prisoner had hidden a grenade in his throat. Yes, you're supposed to believe that.

This kid has no redeeming qualities. He's the hero, but there's really no reason to like him. He stands up to some bullies once but ruins that karma by stealing their car and running from the police. Really, there's no reason to like him and there's one really good reason to hate him:

His name is Eggsy.

WTH?

The recruits have to go through a lot of training, none of which seems designed to teach them how to fight, disable bad guys, or do other things necessary to saving the world. Only one recruit will be picked and of course it's going to be Eggsy.

While all this is going on, a lisping Samuel L. Jackson is hatching a plot to thin the world's population in the name of global warming. His assistant is the woman with Blade Runner feet. They kidnap all the important people in the world (except President Obama, whose head later explodes), and give everyone in the world free sim cards for their phones which ostensibly gives people free cell service and internet. But of course, the sim card is really a mind-control device that makes everyone violently murderous. The plan is that only the strong will survive, leaving Earth with a much smaller, but stronger population.

But don't worry! Men in bespoke suits will save the day! Except they don't. Even though there are 7 or 8 Kingsmen (enough for a real band but apparently none of them could actually play "Louie Louie"), only one goes after them and Samuel L. Jackson blows him away.

SLJ is funny in this movie, mainly because of that lisp I mentioned, and his penchant for wearing his hat sideways. My guess is he looked at the script and realized how stupid this movie was going to be, and then said, What the heck? I'll be as stupid as the script!

Man, this movie has so many stupid, non-sensical scenes that space limitation prevent me from analyzing them all. So let's skip to the end.

Eggsy and his trusty assistant Whats-His-Name take off from Kingsmen Rural HQ in their Hover Gulfstream V jet. Yes, they have a Hover G-V! That has no hover engines that could produce a vertical motion! But don't notice that!

They make it to the secret lair, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and then SLJ sics his army of Stormtroopers on Eggsy and again blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. All that really matters is this:

Eggsy comes across a Swedish princess being held captive in a cell. He asks if he saves her, can he have a kiss. She says yes. Then he says he has to go save the world. She says, "If you save the world, you can f*** me in my a**h***!"

Yep - just like James Bond! Hey, check this out. Eggsy saves the world and then needs the code to the Princess's cell. It's 2625. Do you know what you can spell on your phone with 2625. Let's see, you can spell lots of things with 2625 but one thing you can spell is ANAL. (Oh, and you can also spell COCK but I doubt they realized that).

To make sure there is NO DOUBT that Eggsy is going to plough this girl's rear end, the last scene is the Princess taking off her clothes and sticking her ass out at Eggsy.

So to recap, the climax of this movie is how anal sex is the reward for saving the world. So it makes sense this movie is dedicated to the director's mother. How nice! I'm sure she appreciated that she will always be associated with her son's anal sex fixation.

That epitomizes the stupidity of this movie. It's just dumb. About an hour into this, before all the bungholery, I told my wife and daughter, "This movie is stupid. It's just the movie they made to convince you to watch the next movie, where maybe something will actually happen".

I wish all comic book movie people would read this. Here is the truth - NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BACKSTORY. NO ONE CARES HOW YOU CAME TO BE THE KNGSMEN, OR THE HULK, OR SPIDERMAN, OR SUPERMAN. NO ONE. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SPEND AN ENTIRE MOVIE EXPLAINING SOMETHING YOU COULD HAVE SET OUT IN SOME GRAPHICS AT THE BEGINNING. WE WANT TO SEE THE HEROES BEING HEROIC. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR CHILDHOOD.

This is one butthole of a movie and I can only rate it 7448.

3 Women (1977) - No idea what I watched. None.

Hamad said:

3 Women (1977) - No idea what I watched. None.

You got me curious so I looked it up on Wiki and this part is very interesting:

"It depicts the increasingly bizarre, mysterious relationship between a woman (Duvall) and her roommate and co-worker (Spacek) in a dusty, underpopulated Californian town. The story came directly from a dream Altman had, which he did not fully understand but nonetheless adapted into a treatment, intending to film without a script."

And this: "Roger Ebert named 3 Women the best film of 1977."

I really , really want to watch it now.

KoolEaze said:

Hamad said:

3 Women (1977) - No idea what I watched. None.

You got me curious so I looked it up on Wiki and this part is very interesting:

"It depicts the increasingly bizarre, mysterious relationship between a woman (Duvall) and her roommate and co-worker (Spacek) in a dusty, underpopulated Californian town. The story came directly from a dream Altman had, which he did not fully understand but nonetheless adapted into a treatment, intending to film without a script."

And this: "Roger Ebert named 3 Women the best film of 1977."

I really , really want to watch it now.

I'm a huge fan of the whole thing, in theory. Robert Altman, Sissy Spacek & Shelley Duvall, story set as a dream sequence, film making during the 70's era, all of it, I love it. However, the film ended and all I did was sit back with a huge "wtf" sign above my head. I could tell you though that the gorgeous cinematography blew my mind.

Might be too soon of me to make that comparison, but I suspect that David Lynch watched that film at one point and draw one of his many influences from it. It has the same surreal, dreamy, hypnotic & haunting sensibilities as David's storytelling.

And yes, I suggest you watch & form your own view, however try to keep an open mind because its a slow paced film. I'm interested to know what you think. I might watch it again becuase for some reason I think this might be one of the movies that I grow to love madly after the first watch, I have a list of those aquired ones myself

Hamad said:

KoolEaze said:

You got me curious so I looked it up on Wiki and this part is very interesting:

"It depicts the increasingly bizarre, mysterious relationship between a woman (Duvall) and her roommate and co-worker (Spacek) in a dusty, underpopulated Californian town. The story came directly from a dream Altman had, which he did not fully understand but nonetheless adapted into a treatment, intending to film without a script."

And this: "Roger Ebert named 3 Women the best film of 1977."

I really , really want to watch it now.

I'm a huge fan of the whole thing, in theory. Robert Altman, Sissy Spacek & Shelley Duvall, story set as a dream sequence, film making during the 70's era, all of it, I love it. However, the film ended and all I did was sit back with a huge "wtf" sign above my head. I could tell you though that the gorgeous cinematography blew my mind.

Might be too soon of me to make that comparison, but I suspect that David Lynch watched that film at one point and draw one of his many influences from it. It has the same surreal, dreamy, hypnotic & haunting sensibilities as David's storytelling.

And yes, I suggest you watch & form your own view, however try to keep an open mind because its a slow paced film. I'm interested to know what you think. I might watch it again becuase for some reason I think this might be one of the movies that I grow to love madly after the first watch, I have a list of those aquired ones myself

That would be the third slow film that I watched recently after having watched Solaris and Inherent Vice.

I think I´ll definitely watch this as soon as possible.

Hamad said:

KoolEaze said:

And this: "Roger Ebert named 3 Women the best film of 1977."

It's on Netflix guys. I'll watch it soon.

.

Recently watched: The Judge B+ The Maze Runner B- The Guest B- Faults B+ Cantinflas B-
Netflix Original A Young Doctor's Notebook and Other Stories B+ It Follows B-

Vacation: didn't need to be made. Completely awful follow-up to the original series of films.

Last night I re-watched a movie I enjoyed immensely 15 years ago - M. Night Shamalayan's "Unbreakable".

I didn't like it so much this time.

Weirdly, I remembered so much more action than what actually occurred. Is that the sign of a great movie? Is "Unbreakable" a jazz song, remembered for the notes that AREN'T played?

Or have I been corrupted by 15 glorious years of watching Arnold, Sly, Jason, Liam, Dolph and a slew of other he-men lay waste to various populations?

But here's one thing that DID happen in "Unbreakable" that I totally forgot:

Bruce Willis and his wife are having marital troubles, so they decide to go all the way back to dating again. They have their first "re-date" at a restaurant and are getting to know each other again. Willis's wife tells Bruce that her favorite song is Prince's "Soft and Wet". LOLOLOLOL, I forgot about that! (And apparently so did Bruce Willis. How could anyone forget their wife's favorite song, especially a kinda lame song like "Soft and Wet"?)

I rate this re-watch only 2 out of 5 stars. But if you've never seen it, it's a 3-star movie.

RodeoSchro said:

especially a kinda lame song like "Soft and Wet"?)

It's time for a real quick installment of Movies That I Saw The Last Half Of! Mainly because tonight is Cork and Fork at my favorite Italian restaurant and I'm ready for some wine.

Over the weekend I saw parts of the Tom Cruise vehicle "Oblivion". It pretty much bored me into oblivion.

That is all, carry on.

RodeoSchro said:

It's time for a real quick installment of Movies That I Saw The Last Half Of! Mainly because tonight is Cork and Fork at my favorite Italian restaurant and I'm ready for some wine.

Over the weekend I saw parts of the Tom Cruise vehicle "Oblivion". It pretty much bored me into oblivion.

That is all, carry on.

Edge of Tomorrow is a better Tom Cruise movie. I watched it on HBO.

A meticulously-made and clever suspense.

One of my favorite films. Saw it when it came out, but just revisited it.

The last movie I watched was "Faster" with Dwayne Johnson a.k.a The Rock. It was on TV late at night and I had no expectations, or low expectations, but it was actually more enjoyable than I thought. A typical revenge movie (and I like revenge movies) with a little bit of religion/spirituality in between, a little message about redemption.

Billy Bob Thornton was pretty good in it, too, though I usually don´t care much about him.

Dwayne Johnson´s character was a bit one dimensional but very likeable, and he drives a vintage Chevelle SS that looked like a 1970 model.

Three stars out of five. Or maybe even three and a half or four.

KoolEaze said:

The last movie I watched was "Faster" with Dwayne Johnson a.k.a The Rock. It was on TV late at night and I had no expectations, or low expectations, but it was actually more enjoyable than I thought. A typical revenge movie (and I like revenge movies) with a little bit of religion/spirituality in between, a little message about redemption.

Billy Bob Thornton was pretty good in it, too, though I usually don´t care much about him.

Dwayne Johnson´s character was a bit one dimensional but very likeable, and he drives a vintage Chevelle SS that looked like a 1970 model.

Three stars out of five. Or maybe even three and a half or four.

Excellent movie! I reviewed it last summer IIRC. Loved it!

RodeoSchro said:

Excellent movie! I reviewed it last summer IIRC. Loved it!

That car!

^I loved how The Rock walked straight out of prison and hiked who-knows-how-many miles directly to a car that had been under a tarp for 10 years, climbs in, and it starts right up. Awesome!

It was a great car - it even outran a Ferrari!

Ace said:

One of my favorite films. Saw it when it came out, but just revisited it.

This movie is hilarious! And Christina Ricci--my goodness.

sexton said:

Ace said:

One of my favorite films. Saw it when it came out, but just revisited it.

This movie is hilarious! And Christina Ricci--my goodness.

one of my all-time favourites too. endlessly quotable, i think.

Watched this on Netflix last night. I just took a chance on it as I'd never heard of it before. I really thought it was great. A+

sexton said:

Ace said:

One of my favorite films. Saw it when it came out, but just revisited it.

This movie is hilarious! And Christina Ricci--my goodness.

And moving, too, I thought.

damosuzuki said:

sexton said:

This movie is hilarious! And Christina Ricci--my goodness.

one of my all-time favourites too. endlessly quotable, i think.

'My cars shift themselves.'

'We're spanning time...'

[img:$uid]http://www.ramascreen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Fantastic-Four-logo-e1422369787382.jpg[/img:$uid]

Was dragged to a shitty press screening of this turd...
Typical Fox/Marvel garbage (I'm biased though, I don't like anything Marvel has done, simply because Marvel makes crap be it comics or movies...)
-5 stars for wasting my time...

And that "Deadpool" trailer looks like shit too...

Neversin.

KoolEaze said:

This is a really sloooooooow and at times weird movie. It has a strong retro feel that I liked very much, the storyline is not very easy to follow but not as bad as some people think (most critics loved this movie while others called it "Incoherent Mess". I was surprised to see how many of those critics who disliked this movie used the word "incoherent vice" or "incoherent messs" to describe it. I mean, ok, we get it , inherent rhymes with incoherent, but hey , it wasn´t THAT incoherent in my opinion.

I actually expected it to be so much better than what it what it actually is. Like I said, I liked the retro feel and how director Paul Thomas Anderson captured that magic and feel of 1970s California in this movie, with all those vintage cars, the beach and surf culture, the weed afficionados and drug culture in general, and the hippie movement.

And I usually like Anderson and support him because I like that he is an autodidact who taught himself everything he needs to be a good director but I must admit that this one is not really one of his strongest films. In fact, it might be one of his slowest and most boring, but it is still worth watching. And it is not only extremely slow but also very long, almost three hours, so that brings out the boring qualities even more....I mean there are several scenes where you see not much else besides Joaquin Phoenix looking at his very dirty feet and rubbing his feet with his hands. So it is really a bit of a strange movie.

I already knew that ex-pornqueen Belladonna was in it but was a bit disappointed to see that her only scene lasted no longer than a few minutes.

This movie has many, many stars in it, but then again, maybe a tad too many because random characters pop up, become interesting, and then disappear again and you get the feeling that the fact that they are in the movie is more about them being in the movie and not so much because they add anything to it.

Josh Brolin is great though.....his role is a bit over the top and stereotypical but I enjoyed watching him and his characeter´s idiosyncracies.

Three out of five stars, depending on your mood and your weed intake while watching this movie.

Edit: I added all those different movie posters because they look so interesting and I wish the movie would´ve been as interesting as all the posters suggest it is, but alas, I was a bit disappointed. However, I liked the look and feel of the movie ( though it looks much grayer and cloudier and dirtier than the posters suggest).

[Edited 8/1/15 6:10am]

This was, by far, the funniest movie I've seen all year...

Neversin.

Ace said:

sexton said:

This movie is hilarious! And Christina Ricci--my goodness.

And moving, too, I thought.

Is Vince Gallo really as racist and antisemitic as he jokingly pretends to be, or is it just an act, or a little bit of both? From what I´ve read in interviews and on his website, he says some pretty outrageous things, especially about African-Americans and Jewish-Americans, and Jews in general.

KoolEaze said:

Ace said:

And moving, too, I thought.

Is Vince Gallo really as racist and antisemitic as he jokingly pretends to be, or is it just an act, or a little bit of both? From what I´ve read in interviews and on his website, he says some pretty outrageous things, especially about African-Americans and Jewish-Americans, and Jews in general.

I don't know much about Vincent Gallo in real life other than he can be an ass. I saw him once at a PJ Harvey concert with his model girlfriend (after he and PJ broke up) and he sat in the VIP section and didn't clap once.

Ace said:

A meticulously-made and clever suspense.

I LOVE this movie!

Seeing the poster for "The Conversation" reminded me that I saw it in the movie theater when it came out in 1974, and I was 15. I thought it was boring but then again - I was 15. (I should watch it now so I could appreciate and understand it.)

However, I saw that movie in the same Baytown, Texas movie theater that I later saw "Saturday Night Fever". Some friends and I went to see "Saturday Night Fever" based on the review of it given by one buddy who'd already seen it.

So I now give you what I consider The Greatest Movie Review In History. In response to the question, "What's the movie about?" my friend answered:

"It's about a bunch of guys just like us except they get laid."

RodeoSchro said:

Seeing the poster for "The Conversation" reminded me that I saw it in the movie theater when it came out in 1974, and I was 15. I thought it was boring but then again - I was 15. (I should watch it now so I could appreciate and understand it.)

However, I saw that movie in the same Baytown, Texas movie theater that I later saw "Saturday Night Fever". Some friends and I went to see "Saturday Night Fever" based on the review of it given by one buddy who'd already seen it.

So I now give you what I consider The Greatest Movie Review In History. In response to the question, "What's the movie about?" my friend answered:

"It's about a bunch of guys just like us except they get laid."

Rewatched Trainspotting, due to a recent Robert Carlyle interview I just read. And yep I've got to agree his character was kind of funny.

4.5/5 To be honest I'd forgotten so much, and still remembered so much. Heck a lot of stuff happened in this movie. Crazy movie. Ha, and I didn't realize Kevin McKidd was in this movie, still with that serious face even when young.


Which lead me to seeing other movies I haven't seen in a while ...

Fargo

4.5/5 another one I remembered a lot and still didn't remember a lot. Now I'm going to be walking around for the next day or two saying. "Yea' you betcha" to people.