PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

Welcome to 1929. A 2 year old carrying firewood and setting the table.

The only rule I have in my house is, "you make the mess, you clean it up". It's simple common courtesy.

I do not believe that children should be made to do specific chores, I also do not believe in allowance. We help each other out, that's just the way it is. No arguing, no making lists. It's just what you do together. We're a team.

Let me know how that works out when he's a teen and feels there's nothing wrong with leaving a half-eaten slice of pizza on the dresser for three days or leaving dirty underwear on the floor despite there being a hamper within arm's reach...or when there's a pile of empty chip bags on the floor that no one picks up because they're all pointing fingers at each other as to who actually ate the chips.

At some point when they outgrow the innate desire to please & do everything they're told (and most kids do when puberty starts rearing its ugly head), you have to make rules. My head nearly exploded the first time my oldest told me "no". Now I'm used to it and deal with it as a parent should...and exploring options for making them WANT to do what they are supposed to do without me browbeating them.

Well, speaking as a former teen, this was never an issue with me or my 3 brothers. None of us had chores or allowances, all of us were raised the same way as I am raising my son in this respect.

So, I can tell you first hand...this lifestyle/strategy/whatever you want to call it works. But my family also doesn't/didn't spank or impose curfews and probably a hundred other things that many families feel to be the norm. So it's probably a combination of all these things that make it successful.

My fam might have a ton of other issues but discipline or teen rebellion was never one of them.

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

Welcome to 1929. A 2 year old carrying firewood and setting the table.

The only rule I have in my house is, "you make the mess, you clean it up". It's simple common courtesy.

I do not believe that children should be made to do specific chores, I also do not believe in allowance. We help each other out, that's just the way it is. No arguing, no making lists. It's just what you do together. We're a team.

Let me know how that works out when he's a teen and feels there's nothing wrong with leaving a half-eaten slice of pizza on the dresser for three days or leaving dirty underwear on the floor despite there being a hamper within arm's reach...or when there's a pile of empty chip bags on the floor that no one picks up because they're all pointing fingers at each other as to who actually ate the chips.

At some point when they outgrow the innate desire to please & do everything they're told (and most kids do when puberty starts rearing its ugly head), you have to make rules. My head nearly exploded the first time my oldest told me "no". Now I'm used to it and deal with it as a parent should...and exploring options for making them WANT to do what they are supposed to do without me browbeating them.

teens are the same world over & honestly i'll miss the chaos when mine eventually leave home. Wait until they start earning their own money, clubbing, driving, having sex, taking drugs etc. your own memories of youth come back to haunt!.. i think about my own mum & what she tolerated. i don't ever remember her nagging me to do chores (or anything else come to think of it)

parenthood is not easy, i know you are a single parent & with 3 kids.. massive workload! just hang in there & keep a cool head!

sometimes i have ask 'what's the worse that could happen if laundry is overflowing?'

my daughter is much worse than my son, she's run out of space with clothes, shoes etc.. makeup sploges all over the wall, hairballs accumalating in the corners..

when i do laundry i'm removing knickers from within tights from within jeans! sometimes socks attached to tights

they will wear something once & then it's in the laundry.

i have learnt to shut their doors & ignore the mess, you have to sometimes, then once a month after giving them fair warning i go on a cleaning bender, then they moan because i've hoovered something up/thrown away.. i tell them tough shit!

their standards are never the same as ours, they're always in too much of a rush to get out with friends so i don't mind doing it.

when my son's girfriend is due back from uni, he gets busy with tidying his room & it all goes to shit when she goes back..

the only strict rule i have is no food in bedrooms.

I know this must be especially hard because you are a single parent, but remember - you are a parent first, then a friend.

If you try to be the friend above all, they won't respect you as a parent when it really counts.

You don't have to be a hardass. They are at an age where you can tell them, "You are becoming young adults and I want to treat you like young adults. Part of becoming an adult is accepting responsibility. Here are the responsibilities a person your age should accept if they want to be treated as an adult, and not a child. I am proud of you and I know you can do this".

I had to make my share of mistakes before I learned that one, LOL.

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

Let me know how that works out when he's a teen and feels there's nothing wrong with leaving a half-eaten slice of pizza on the dresser for three days or leaving dirty underwear on the floor despite there being a hamper within arm's reach...or when there's a pile of empty chip bags on the floor that no one picks up because they're all pointing fingers at each other as to who actually ate the chips.

At some point when they outgrow the innate desire to please & do everything they're told (and most kids do when puberty starts rearing its ugly head), you have to make rules. My head nearly exploded the first time my oldest told me "no". Now I'm used to it and deal with it as a parent should...and exploring options for making them WANT to do what they are supposed to do without me browbeating them.

Well, speaking as a former teen, this was never an issue with me or my 3 brothers. None of us had chores or allowances, all of us were raised the same way as I am raising my son in this respect.

So, I can tell you first hand...this lifestyle/strategy/whatever you want to call it works. But my family also doesn't/didn't spank or impose curfews and probably a hundred other things that many families feel to be the norm. So it's probably a combination of all these things that make it successful.

My fam might have a ton of other issues but discipline or teen rebellion was never one of them.

If you are successful with your hands-off approach, the God bless you, and be thankful.

As I stated earlier...my own parents did not impose chores (nor provided an allowance) and yet I did not have the mindset to say "no" to them. I respected the clean household. This is a different experience for me. Ergo my desire for a new approach. The hands-off "I trust you to do what's right" mentality so far resulted in a room that would make Oscar Madison cringe! (That's the slob from "The Odd Couple")

I assume then maybe environment also plays a role...my kids are angels in comparison to some of their peers. Long Island is a den of spoiled brats...most of whom never grow out of it.

excited said:

PurpleJedi said:

Let me know how that works out when he's a teen and feels there's nothing wrong with leaving a half-eaten slice of pizza on the dresser for three days or leaving dirty underwear on the floor despite there being a hamper within arm's reach...or when there's a pile of empty chip bags on the floor that no one picks up because they're all pointing fingers at each other as to who actually ate the chips.

At some point when they outgrow the innate desire to please & do everything they're told (and most kids do when puberty starts rearing its ugly head), you have to make rules. My head nearly exploded the first time my oldest told me "no". Now I'm used to it and deal with it as a parent should...and exploring options for making them WANT to do what they are supposed to do without me browbeating them.

teens are the same world over & honestly i'll miss the chaos when mine eventually leave home. Wait until they start earning their own money, clubbing, driving, having sex, taking drugs etc. your own memories of youth come back to haunt!.. i think about my own mum & what she tolerated. i don't ever remember her nagging me to do chores (or anything else come to think of it)

parenthood is not easy, i know you are a single parent & with 3 kids.. massive workload! just hang in there & keep a cool head!

sometimes i have ask 'what's the worse that could happen if laundry is overflowing?'

my daughter is much worse than my son, she's run out of space with clothes, shoes etc.. makeup sploges all over the wall, hairballs accumalating in the corners..

when i do laundry i'm removing knickers from within tights from within jeans! sometimes socks attached to tights

they will wear something once & then it's in the laundry.

i have learnt to shut their doors & ignore the mess, you have to sometimes, then once a month after giving them fair warning i go on a cleaning bender, then they moan because i've hoovered something up/thrown away.. i tell them tough shit!

their standards are never the same as ours, they're always in too much of a rush to get out with friends so i don't mind doing it.

when my son's girfriend is due back from uni, he gets busy with tidying his room & it all goes to shit when she goes back..

the only strict rule i have is no food in bedrooms.

I am instituting the "no food in bedrooms" rule myself. Enough of that crap!

My little one actually tried to debate me on the virtues of doing laundry. As much as I value his strong will and determination, I had to use the "because I said so". Sorry. Wash your damn clothes.

RodeoSchro said:

I know this must be especially hard because you are a single parent, but remember - you are a parent first, then a friend.

If you try to be the friend above all, they won't respect you as a parent when it really counts.

You don't have to be a hardass. They are at an age where you can tell them, "You are becoming young adults and I want to treat you like young adults. Part of becoming an adult is accepting responsibility. Here are the responsibilities a person your age should accept if they want to be treated as an adult, and not a child. I am proud of you and I know you can do this".

I had to make my share of mistakes before I learned that one, LOL.

Thanks!

I had the "you're an adult" talk last night with the oldest as a matter of fact.

PurpleJedi said:

RodeoSchro said:

I know this must be especially hard because you are a single parent, but remember - you are a parent first, then a friend.

If you try to be the friend above all, they won't respect you as a parent when it really counts.

You don't have to be a hardass. They are at an age where you can tell them, "You are becoming young adults and I want to treat you like young adults. Part of becoming an adult is accepting responsibility. Here are the responsibilities a person your age should accept if they want to be treated as an adult, and not a child. I am proud of you and I know you can do this".

I had to make my share of mistakes before I learned that one, LOL.

Thanks!

I had the "you're an adult" talk last night with the oldest as a matter of fact.

Did it work?

dJJ said:

PurpleJedi said:

Thanks!

I had the "you're an adult" talk last night with the oldest as a matter of fact.

Did it work?

To a certain extent, I think so.

With all of this work you are doing, you sound like you need a night or two off. I can help you relax
Maybe help you work off some of that tension

LadyCasanova said:

With all of this work you are doing, you sound like you need a night or two off. I can help you relax
Maybe help you work off some of that tension

Kids and teens are totally self-centred and selfish and need constant reminding that other people's feelings matter too.

I know my kids are realising that the more they can do for me (not that any take their own initiative EVER or should that be YET? ) the more time I have to help them. They know I have tons of things to do and they want me to hang out with them because they love that - the one thing I have going for me is that they adore their mummy and they do bask in my attention and try to make me laugh. I am NOT friend first however, I am not scared of them not liking me lol. I do object to them taking out their frustrations and anger at me, and there are consequences for them not talking to me in a respectful way. They are learning that I call them out on their tone of voice and that nothing is going to go their way until they change their approach. I am also working on their dad to back me up on this, he's not so good at that (yet?)

My middle child (the one on the spectrum) is very focused when it comes to what he WANTS. He appreciates that he can trade off. For example he wants me to give him his laptop, so he is up, has had breakfast and has emptied the dishwasher (by 8:30am on a saturday morning ) and is cheerful and obliging.

The other 2 need a lot more cajoling, and the important thing for me is not to sink into yelling and bullying, which happens when I'm tired and stressed and inflexible. I do want them to have a pleasant and safe environment at home and to know that I'm on their side and that I try to accommodate all of their NEEDS and sometimes, if they are lucky, some of their WANTS.

ZombieKitten said:

Kids and teens are totally self-centred and selfish and need constant reminding that other people's feelings matter too.

I know my kids are realising that the more they can do for me (not that any take their own initiative EVER or should that be YET? ) the more time I have to help them. They know I have tons of things to do and they want me to hang out with them because they love that - the one thing I have going for me is that they adore their mummy and they do bask in my attention and try to make me laugh. I am NOT friend first however, I am not scared of them not liking me lol. I do object to them taking out their frustrations and anger at me, and there are consequences for them not talking to me in a respectful way. They are learning that I call them out on their tone of voice and that nothing is going to go their way until they change their approach. I am also working on their dad to back me up on this, he's not so good at that (yet?)

My middle child (the one on the spectrum) is very focused when it comes to what he WANTS. He appreciates that he can trade off. For example he wants me to give him his laptop, so he is up, has had breakfast and has emptied the dishwasher (by 8:30am on a saturday morning ) and is cheerful and obliging.

The other 2 need a lot more cajoling, and the important thing for me is not to sink into yelling and bullying, which happens when I'm tired and stressed and inflexible. I do want them to have a pleasant and safe environment at home and to know that I'm on their side and that I try to accommodate all of their NEEDS and sometimes, if they are lucky, some of their WANTS.

I did chores and got allowance, but by the time I reached my teens, I got allowance and I also got very lazy, had no discipline.

You have 3 kids, 3 chores, assign a chore to each one for the week and then assign a new one to do for the week on the day they get their allowance. For each day it's half assed, deduct the allowance for that day so that they can do it better next time. Be patient too and show them how to do it as well if they ask, and don't penalize them if you can see they're really trying.

I would have hated this if I were a teenager, but be strict about whether they can see their friends or not depending on if they get enough done, though also allow room for negotiation once they're doing well eg. it's a friend's birthday party, promise to do that chore before bedtime or switch with the other child just for that day granted it's done.

And most of all, be a good role model too and clean up after yourself, kids notice these things, best of luck They may hate it all right now, but they'll respect you at some point and will build their own self-respect.

[Edited 2/10/14 7:29am]

My sisters and I always had chores as kids. My mom devised them based on age-appropriateness. For example, my youngest sister was emptying wastebaskets once a week at the age of 5. (No heavy trash - just wastebaskets from bedrooms and bathrooms.) When I was 8, it was my job to unload the dishwasher. By the time I was 12, I was cleaning the kitchen after meals, with a "deep clean" including removing everything from the counters and wiping them down, polishing the appliances once a week, and washing the floor as directed by my mom. Another sister would clean the "sister bathroom" and half bath downstairs. Another sister would vacuum and dust the living room, dining room and family room.

My mom showed us all how to do a proper job at these things - and we were not allowed to do anything until the chores were finished. On Saturdays, that meant we weren't allowed to go to the pool until the cleaning was done. No TV until the kitchen was clean after meals.

When we were older and driving, my father directed that no car was ever to be driven on an unshoveled driveway (the driveway was on a hill and tire tracks froze into ice, making it impossible to get into the garage). That meant we were up at 5 a.m. - shoveling before we went to school.

These things were non-negotiable. You did your chores without talking back or trying to weasel out of them.

[Edited 2/10/14 7:55am]

Genesia said:

My sisters and I always had chores as kids. My mom devised them based on age-appropriateness. For example, my youngest sister was emptying wastebaskets once a week at the age of 5. (No heavy trash - just wastebaskets from bedrooms and bathrooms.) When I was 8, it was my job to unload the dishwasher. By the time I was 12, I was cleaning the kitchen after meals, with a "deep clean" including removing everything from the counters and wiping them down, polishing the appliances once a week, and washing the floor as directed by my mom. Another sister would clean the "sister bathroom" and half bath downstairs. Another sister would vacuum and dust the living room, dining room and family room.

My mom showed us all how to do a proper job at these things - and we were not allowed to do anything until the chores were finished. On Saturdays, that meant we weren't allowed to go to the pool until the cleaning was done. No TV until the kitchen was clean after meals.

When we were older and driving, my father directed that no car was ever to be driven on an unshoveled driveway (the driveway was on a hill and tire tracks froze into ice, making it impossible to get into the garage). That meant we were up at 5 a.m. - shoveling before we went to school.

These things were non-negotiable. You did your chores without talking back or trying to weasel out of them.

[Edited 2/10/14 7:55am]

This is similar to what my brother and I had to do. We were latchkey kids - since I was the oldest, I had to grow up fast. We received a weekly allowance, which was cool. Taught me the value of hard work and saving money at an early age. Laziness was NOT an option in our home - Dad made sure of that.

uPtoWnNY said:

Genesia said:

My sisters and I always had chores as kids. My mom devised them based on age-appropriateness. For example, my youngest sister was emptying wastebaskets once a week at the age of 5. (No heavy trash - just wastebaskets from bedrooms and bathrooms.) When I was 8, it was my job to unload the dishwasher. By the time I was 12, I was cleaning the kitchen after meals, with a "deep clean" including removing everything from the counters and wiping them down, polishing the appliances once a week, and washing the floor as directed by my mom. Another sister would clean the "sister bathroom" and half bath downstairs. Another sister would vacuum and dust the living room, dining room and family room.

My mom showed us all how to do a proper job at these things - and we were not allowed to do anything until the chores were finished. On Saturdays, that meant we weren't allowed to go to the pool until the cleaning was done. No TV until the kitchen was clean after meals.

When we were older and driving, my father directed that no car was ever to be driven on an unshoveled driveway (the driveway was on a hill and tire tracks froze into ice, making it impossible to get into the garage). That meant we were up at 5 a.m. - shoveling before we went to school.

These things were non-negotiable. You did your chores without talking back or trying to weasel out of them.

This is similar to what my brother and I had to do. We were latchkey kids - since I was the oldest, I had to grow up fast. We received a weekly allowance, which was cool. Taught me the value of hard work and saving money at an early age. Laziness was NOT an option in our home - Dad made sure of that.

We didn't even get an allowance. My parents' attitude was that chores were just something you did as part of being in a family. Everybody worked around the house.

If I wanted money, I did extra jobs like washing windows or babysitting.