Well, in all honesty your son is 20... Like you said hes a grown ass man... It is up to him now what he is or isnt willing to deal with regarding his father...


He is old enough now to see who and what his dad is... Your always gonna be a mama bear, trust me on that! But its time to step back unless your son asks for your advise or help... and even then, you should "discuss" pros and cons and let him decide so he doesnt hold anything on you...


So sorry your ex is a douchbag

tinaz said:

nursev said:

So check this out...my ex got married and had another child when my son was about 12. Him and his family basically forgot about my son. my son is now 20 yrs old...a grown ass man. it seems that every two years or so his father tries to talk to him. ive tried to get my son to talk to him, but my son is like "hes tired of his father lying to him and if he talks to him the father might not like what he says." His dad has sinced divorced again and now trying to talk to my son again. my best friend says "two wrongs dont make a right" but im like i dont want my son hurt anymore. On top of that, my ex calls today on my bday and says when my son is ready he will call him and that hes tired of trying to reach out to his child! im like what a selfish bastard! i don't want my son hurt anymore. whats your opinion?

1. Your son is 20 years old. And yes a grown ass man, an adult male.
2. Don't try to get your son to talk to his father, you cannot force him.
3. Your son has his father all figured out, years before he hit 20.
4. When your son is ready to talk to his father, then he will. Maybe bridges might be mended. If your son does not want him in his life right now then you have to respect his decision, and that's ok. No need for you to play 'monkey in the middle' or the 'peace maker' with a bandaid fix.
   
   
5. The last bit that I underlined ...... the ex should not be pressuring you or your 20 year old son to have some sort of relationship. A relationship should not be forced upon someone who is not ready or does not want it.
6. Letitgo ........ don't bring it up with your son. Let the topic die. You don't need a strained relationship with him over this.
7. Why do you call him "my ex" ........... he is not a part of you anymore, he's not yours and he don't own you. With past ex from years ago.... "my ex" I refer to him as "the ex" or "dimwit" ...... he was an abusive controller.
8. You don't owe anything to "the ex", you are not beholding to him. Fuck him ..... You don't have the ball and chain on you anymore, you are free.
   
   
   

luv4u said:

nursev said:

my best friend says we all need counseling cuz we have unresolved issues. i will not go to counseling with that guy. I have too many gray hairs from that dude already. my best friend is his friend too she talked to him on the phone and she says he wants counseling.

You divorced some years ago. There is no point having counselling with the father. Your relationship is over, long ago. You have moved on. Your number one priority is your son. And what he decides to do will be his decision and his alone. Your 20 year old son will have to live with his decision of what he wants or how he wants to handle it. Time heals things. Your son is not a child anymore, I see no point in getting counselling.

Your son is a grown man. At some point in his life he may want to start a relationship with his father. His father will have to wait for his son to reach out and maybe have some sort of relationship. Maybe when he gets married and has kids........ he might reconsider.

So you've got your best friend and god knows who else in the mix. Too many hands in the pot.

luv4u said:

nursev said:

luv4u said:

nursev said:

my best friend says we all need counseling cuz we have unresolved issues. i will not go to counseling with that guy. I have too many gray hairs from that dude already. my best friend is his friend too she talked to him on the phone and she says he wants counseling.

You divorced some years ago. There is no point having counselling with the father. Your relationship is over, long ago. You have moved on. Your number one priority is your son. And what he decides to do will be his decision and his alone. Your 20 year old son will have to live with his decision of what he wants or how he wants to handle it. Time heals things. Your son is not a child anymore, I see no point in getting counselling.

Your son is a grown man. At some point in his life he may want to start a relationship with his father. His father will have to wait for his son to reach out and come to some sort of relationship. Maybe when he gets married and has kids..... he might reconsider.

So you've got your best friend involved in the mix and now this thread. Too many hands in the pot.

my best friend knew my ex when we were young. he was 24 I was 18 and she was 17. we all kinda hung out together. so she was my best friend first since childhood. she said she told him my son doesnt "wanna be fucked up with him like that" he told her he will call me tomorrow. im really fed up with this mess and yeah now the org knows too

Your friend is a trip!! I would agree with her if say your son was still a child... But now that he is grown there is no reason for you to interact with this man whatsoever!! This is why a lawyer cant work for both sides!!

what's the counseling for? what is the goal? and why are you involved if the problem is the relationship between your 20 y.o. son and his father?

toots said:

nursev said:

my best friend knew my ex when we were young. he was 24 I was 18 and she was 17. we all kinda hung out together. so she was my best friend first since childhood. she said she told him my son doesnt "wanna be fucked up with him like that" he told her he will call me tomorrow. im really fed up with this mess and yeah now the org knows too

Hellooooo nurse.....(lol had to was a urge sorry) back to topic...but I agree with luv on this regardless if u all hung around when younger the ex isn't ur issue anymore....ur son is adult and he will know who will listen and etc. now....I would tell the ex u have nothing to discuss with him and son is grown and will make his own decisions...he can't be forced to talked to him nor can his father force him...I'm afraid the father has done this on his own...ur friend who is telling u u all need to be n counceling is whacked n needs to keep it out of ur biz hon....I wish u luck n this ..ur son will know who is there for him .

tinaz said:

butterfli25 said:

I had the exact same issue for years. After I left my ex he didn't bother to maintain ties with his son. Children don't like being ignored for years and when they grow up they will let the negligent parent know in one way or another. I finally decided that I can't force two people to care about each other.

Us moms are tempted to fix things for our kids, and your best pal wants to fix it too. We just have to accept that people won't always act like they should or how we want.

It's hard to do...I know,

You cannot be the voice of reason between the two of them, your son has to deal with his dad on his own terms. Just be there to listen, offer support, and don't go to counseling with him if he wants to go let it be just father and son FUCK THAT

You raised a fine young man I'm sure; he can handle this on his own.

I agree with what's been posted before.

Your son is 20. Think back to that age...twentysomethings think less of older folk at that age ANYWAY...he needs a few more years before he's ready to reach out to the non-father if that's what he chooses to do.

Step out of it. Don't try to dissuade your son, but by all means don't feel obligated to be healer.

There are CONSEQUENCES to our actions. We all deal with it. Your ex (sorry..."the ex" ) is dealing with the consequences of his actions 8 years ago. End of story.

Aaaannnnd Ex'es SUCK!!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!

babynoz said:

nammie said:

PurpleJedi said:

nursev said:

babynoz said:

I had the exact same issue for years. After I left my ex he didn't bother to maintain ties with his son. Children don't like being ignored for years and when they grow up they will let the negligent parent know in one way or another. I finally decided that I can't force two people to care about each other.

Us moms are tempted to fix things for our kids, and your best pal wants to fix it too. We just have to accept that people won't always act like they should or how we want.

It's hard to do...I know,

Dont know why men forget about their children. Its very sad. women always have to pick up the pieces.

They're self centered and indifferent about the misery they cause.

babynoz said:

nursev said:

babynoz said: Dont know why men forget about their children. Its very sad. women always have to pick up the pieces.

They're self centered and indifferent about the misery they cause.

Egotism & self-centerdness are NOT unique to males.

babynoz said:

PurpleJedi said:

babynoz said:

They're self centered and indifferent about the misery they cause.

Egotism & self-centerdness are NOT unique to males.

We happen to be discussing a couple of self centered males we know...not males in general.

babynoz said:

PurpleJedi said:

Egotism & self-centerdness are NOT unique to males.

We happen to be discussing a couple of self centered males we know...not males in general.

OK.

[Edited 2/1/14 21:07pm]

PurpleJedi said:

babynoz said:

We happen to be discussing a couple of self centered males we know...not males in general.

OK.

[Edited 2/1/14 21:07pm]

nursev said:

That's how me and purps roll....I'm his big sis,