babynoz said:

its just too cute

I remember when you posted on the org about your son starting college.
He sounds like a fine young man and will be able to figure things out for himself regarding his father. He's no longer a child, there's no need for you to be the middleman anymore.
Just try to stay as neutral as you can in your comments about his father to your son - in case your son does someday want to work things out with him, you won't have said derogatory things about the father to your son which can be awkward. In other words, don't try to turn your son against his dad either, because he's still his dad. YOU may think he's a mutha####, but your son should be allowed it make up his own mind.
Sorry you have to go through this and hang in there!

tinaz said:

That's all there is to it.

nursev said:

Don't try to. You're not a toy to play with at another person's whim.

Why do you continue to talk to your ex?

Sometimes you have to completely cut people out

of your life.

He sounds toxic.

You shouldn't waste your time and emotions thinking

about him unless he brings something positive to your life.

thedoorkeeper said:

Why do you continue to talk to your ex?

Sometimes you have to completely cut people out

of your life.

He sounds toxic.

You shouldn't waste your time and emotions thinking

about him unless he brings something positive to your life.

They have a child together.

PurpleJedi said:

thedoorkeeper said:

Why do you continue to talk to your ex?

Sometimes you have to completely cut people out

of your life.

He sounds toxic.

You shouldn't waste your time and emotions thinking

about him unless he brings something positive to your life.

They have a child together.

Yes. A child he has ignored.

A child that is an adult.

That doesn't mean you always leave the door open

so he can continue to abuse your emotions.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and say enough is enough.

thedoorkeeper said:

PurpleJedi said:

They have a child together.

Yes. A child he has ignored.

A child that is an adult.

That doesn't mean you always leave the door open

so he can continue to abuse your emotions.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and say enough is enough.

Enough is enough to the emotional turmoil, yes.

But you can't just end all communication in most cases.

Legally even.

PurpleJedi said:

thedoorkeeper said:

Yes. A child he has ignored.

A child that is an adult.

That doesn't mean you always leave the door open

so he can continue to abuse your emotions.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and say enough is enough.

Enough is enough to the emotional turmoil, yes.

But you can't just end all communication in most cases.

Legally even.

He is a 20 year old grown man. No court is going to order an adult to have visitations with another adult

PurpleJedi said:

thedoorkeeper said:

Why do you continue to talk to your ex?

Sometimes you have to completely cut people out

of your life.

He sounds toxic.

You shouldn't waste your time and emotions thinking

about him unless he brings something positive to your life.

They have a child together.

Doesn't matter. When my son went off to college I told the X to leave me the hell alone forever and to call his son if he wanted to talk to him.

i think this happens a lot, i hear so many examples of it. i've got friends who are heartbroken for their kids because their exes have gone on to have more kids & now effectively reject the other kids.

blokes are so weak, they do this for an easy life & to avoid grief from the new woman.

your son's dad, as useless as he is must need your son in his life & one day it might happen but not after your son has given him the bollocking of all bollockings!.. (he will )

in time his dad may be able to claw back some respect. i'm sure your son has grown up lovely without his dad in his life, all credit to you!

excited said:

i think this happens a lot, i hear so many examples of it. i've got friends who are heartbroken for their kids because their exes have gone on to have more kids & now effectively reject the other kids.

blokes are so weak, they do this for an easy life & to avoid grief from the new woman.

your son's dad, as useless as he is must need your son in his life & one day it might happen but not after your son has given him the bollocking of all bollockings!.. (he will )

in time his dad may be able to claw back some respect. i'm sure your son has grown up lovely without his dad in his life, all credit to you!

When I was a kid, my dad did not even come to my birthdays.

There were times I did not see him a lot, because a new girlfriend didn't like children.

Later on, he got married with a nice lady, bus also very egoistic. It was all about her children, me and my brothere were merely a second rate breed.

My stephmother restricted the time I could stay over at my dad's house.

And when I was 15 and living on my own, she did not want me to live with them.

In the year I had my high school exams, my dad fought her, so I was allowed to live with them for that year. However, in a shed in the garden and I was not allowed to go to the toilet in the night. Because I might wake up my little brothers.


She once did call me and apolegized. I doubt if she realizes how humiliating and cold it was.


I love my dad. He is great, and has invested a lot of effort in our relationship since I got older.

He visits me once a month and we always have a good time together.

However, I still think he's been to weak in the past and should have been more actively involved when I was a kid.

dJJ said:

excited said:

i think this happens a lot, i hear so many examples of it. i've got friends who are heartbroken for their kids because their exes have gone on to have more kids & now effectively reject the other kids.

blokes are so weak, they do this for an easy life & to avoid grief from the new woman.

your son's dad, as useless as he is must need your son in his life & one day it might happen but not after your son has given him the bollocking of all bollockings!.. (he will )

in time his dad may be able to claw back some respect. i'm sure your son has grown up lovely without his dad in his life, all credit to you!

When I was a kid, my dad did not even come to my birthdays.

There were times I did not see him a lot, because a new girlfriend didn't like children.

Later on, he got married with a nice lady, bus also very egoistic. It was all about her children, me and my brothere were merely a second rate breed.

My stephmother restricted the time I could stay over at my dad's house.

And when I was 15 and living on my own, she did not want me to live with them.

In the year I had my high school exams, my dad fought her, so I was allowed to live with them for that year. However, in a shed in the garden and I was not allowed to go to the toilet in the night. Because I might wake up my little brothers.


She once did call me and apolegized. I doubt if she realizes how humiliating and cold it was.


I love my dad. He is great, and has invested a lot of effort in our relationship since I got older.

He visits me once a month and we always have a good time together.

However, I still think he's been to weak in the past and should have been more actively involved when I was a kid.

the new women hate 'baggage' & are too stupid to realise that one day the kids will be adults who won't forget how they were treated.

she sounds like a right bitch & your dad WAS a weak bastard it's incredible how forgivving kids are of their parents. i've come very close to cutting ties with my own dad, but have perservered with the relationship to prevent his new wife from achieving her aims of having us out of their lives!

bitches need to bow out & learn not to interfere with parent/kid relationships!

luv4u said:

PurpleJedi said:

Enough is enough to the emotional turmoil, yes.

But you can't just end all communication in most cases.

Legally even.

He is a 20 year old grown man. No court is going to order an adult to have visitations with another adult

True...he is an adult.

I don't know the laws after 18...but before then, you best believe that you HAVE to keep that line of communication open.


I would think that even so...Nursev must have cause to keep that line open for the sake of the son. If not...if there truly is nothing that they need to discuss...(paying for books? healthcare? etc.)...then I guess severing ties is fine.

excited said:

dJJ said:

When I was a kid, my dad did not even come to my birthdays.

There were times I did not see him a lot, because a new girlfriend didn't like children.

Later on, he got married with a nice lady, bus also very egoistic. It was all about her children, me and my brothere were merely a second rate breed.

My stephmother restricted the time I could stay over at my dad's house.

And when I was 15 and living on my own, she did not want me to live with them.

In the year I had my high school exams, my dad fought her, so I was allowed to live with them for that year. However, in a shed in the garden and I was not allowed to go to the toilet in the night. Because I might wake up my little brothers.


She once did call me and apolegized. I doubt if she realizes how humiliating and cold it was.


I love my dad. He is great, and has invested a lot of effort in our relationship since I got older.

He visits me once a month and we always have a good time together.

However, I still think he's been to weak in the past and should have been more actively involved when I was a kid.

the new women hate 'baggage' & are too stupid to realise that one day the kids will be adults who won't forget how they were treated.

she sounds like a right bitch & your dad WAS a weak bastard it's incredible how forgivving kids are of their parents. i've come very close to cutting ties with my own dad, but have perservered with the relationship to prevent his new wife from achieving her aims of having us out of their lives!

bitches need to bow out & learn not to interfere with parent/kid relationships!

Yes! I hope you can find a way to maintain your relationship with your dad in a way that is good for both of you.




I think it is worthwhile to sustain a relationship with your parents. I have not had contact with my mother for 16 years. It was a good decision, I needed that time. But, now that I have established contact with her again, I'm very happy that I did. She is not easy, but I do see her trough adult eyes now. And I'm now strong enough to handle her complex character. And that makes me able to see all her great traits too.

I'm gratefull for having her back in my life.

My dad really made an effort to have a good relationship with me.

We've had our quarrels and he really listened and has changed a lot.

That's why I respect and love him so much. He really aproaches me different now and he is very sorry for his negativity in the past.

It helps me to learn to give people another change, and another one, and onther one.
Because, he showed me that people can learn and change.



And he makes a point of coming to visit me on his own. So, we can do what we both like and enjoy ourselves.

Most hilarious thing is that we both loved the gay parties in Amsterdam on queens day. He had so much fun, and was dancing with me and I thought it was hilarious (he's 65). There was this group of Italian guys and another group of Dutch guys who we had a great time with.

Not that we go to gay parties every time, we just cycle trough the city or go to a museum.

[Edited 2/3/14 12:45pm]

PurpleJedi said:

I had to come to the conclusion that it was a closed chapter in my life. That eggs been cooked. Nothing could be changed or fixed. There was plenty of time to develop a sensible relationship if all parties desired one. It didn't happen. No point in feeding into childish egotism forever for no reason. Swing by, making a phone call once a month or every couple of years isn't somebody involved with their kid that's just enough to get the most recent information about the kid so they can have something to say in conversations with their friends and family to make themselves look good. I think kids recognize it as cruel, it really does hurt them a lot because its obvious this person isn't interested in them. Sometimes as the true parent you spend a lot of time and energy trying hard making up excuses so it won't hurt so much you get caught up thinking you should or could do more. It hard knowing when to let go. Can't unfry an egg. A motto I say to myself all the time.

nursev said:

So check this out...my ex got married and had another child when my son was about 12. Him and his family basically forgot about my son. my son is now 20 yrs old...a grown ass man. it seems that every two years or so his father tries to talk to him. ive tried to get my son to talk to him, but my son is like "hes tired of his father lying to him and if he talks to him the father might not like what he says." His dad has sinced divorced again and now trying to talk to my son again. my best friend says "two wrongs dont make a right" but im like i dont want my son hurt anymore. On top of that, my ex calls today on my bday and says when my son is ready he will call him and that hes tired of trying to reach out to his child! im like what a selfish bastard! i don't want my son hurt anymore. whats your opinion?

I hope u can sort this out nursey. Your son deserves a father no matter what age but he also deserves respect. He will find his path. I DID.

Grew up in a similiar situation, now at forty-something with both parents gone, this is the reality of the situation.

3 Things.

1) Being a father means more then getting a woman pregnant.

2) As a man/human, your actions define you, period. Talking is an excercise of the jaw.

3) Being a father is a responsibility that is yours until you die.

Pass those priceless pieces of information on to both you son and your ex.

Thank you for being a real mom during all of those times when his dad should have been there.

dJJ said:

excited said:

the new women hate 'baggage' & are too stupid to realise that one day the kids will be adults who won't forget how they were treated.

she sounds like a right bitch & your dad WAS a weak bastard it's incredible how forgivving kids are of their parents. i've come very close to cutting ties with my own dad, but have perservered with the relationship to prevent his new wife from achieving her aims of having us out of their lives!

bitches need to bow out & learn not to interfere with parent/kid relationships!

Yes! I hope you can find a way to maintain your relationship with your dad in a way that is good for both of you.




I think it is worthwhile to sustain a relationship with your parents. I have not had contact with my mother for 16 years. It was a good decision, I needed that time. But, now that I have established contact with her again, I'm very happy that I did. She is not easy, but I do see her trough adult eyes now. And I'm now strong enough to handle her complex character. And that makes me able to see all her great traits too.

I'm gratefull for having her back in my life.

My dad really made an effort to have a good relationship with me.

We've had our quarrels and he really listened and has changed a lot.

That's why I respect and love him so much. He really aproaches me different now and he is very sorry for his negativity in the past.

It helps me to learn to give people another change, and another one, and onther one.
Because, he showed me that people can learn and change.



And he makes a point of coming to visit me on his own. So, we can do what we both like and enjoy ourselves.

Most hilarious thing is that we both loved the gay parties in Amsterdam on queens day. He had so much fun, and was dancing with me and I thought it was hilarious (he's 65). There was this group of Italian guys and another group of Dutch guys who we had a great time with.

Not that we go to gay parties every time, we just cycle trough the city or go to a museum.

[Edited 2/3/14 12:45pm]

i'm sorry to hear you were estranged from your mum for such a long time, but at least you're beginning to build bridges. it's nice that you identify some positive things, good luck!

your dad sounds like a right hoot! it's lovely that you are enjoying time on your own, he must have really wanted this.

i've always been close to my dad but had to tolerate his other half for years. i won't bore with details, lots of issues.. but bottom line is she never gave us any space or time alone, she was always there, frightened of missing something, so at some point i blew my stack!.. it didn't go down well, he sulked like a spoilt brat but my gamble paid off. i never have to see her again & my dad is far more relaxed when i see him & nobody's walking on eggshells

nursev, hope your son can somehow forge some kind of bond with his dad even if his dad is a twonk x