i can hear music coming out of my printer, i think the paper’s jammin’

Three men arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter said, "Hey guys - we're a little backed up right now. I can only let one of you in. Tell you what - tell me how you died, and the one with the most interesting story gets in".

The first guy says, "I lived in a high-rise condominium. I liked to exercise on my balcony. But during one exercise, I lost my balance and fell over the edge! Luckily, I was able to grab onto the floor of the patio right below me. I heard someone coming and thought, Great! I'm saved! But the guy started stepping on my fingers! I wouldn't let go, so he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers! I finally let go, but I landed in the hedges. I was alive! Just as I was about to get up, a refrigerator landed on me and here I am".

The second guy says, "I also lived in a high-rise condominium. I was certain my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to surprise her. And sure enough - there was the guy, trying to hide by dangling from my patio! I stepped on his fingers but he wouldn't let go. So I got my hammer and smashed his fingers and he fell. But he landed in some hedges - still alive! I went crazy. I pushed my refrigerator out to the patio and over the rail, and it landed on him and killed him. But the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am".

The third guy says, "Picture this - I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."

RodeoSchro said:

Three men arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter said, "Hey guys - we're a little backed up right now. I can only let one of you in. Tell you what - tell me how you died, and the one with the most interesting story gets in".

The first guy says, "I lived in a high-rise condominium. I liked to exercise on my balcony. But during one exercise, I lost my balance and fell over the edge! Luckily, I was able to grab onto the floor of the patio right below me. I heard someone coming and thought, Great! I'm saved! But the guy started stepping on my fingers! I wouldn't let go, so he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers! I finally let go, but I landed in the hedges. I was alive! Just as I was about to get up, a refrigerator landed on me and here I am".

The second guy says, "I also lived in a high-rise condominium. I was certain my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to surprise her. And sure enough - there was the guy, trying to hide by dangling from my patio! I stepped on his fingers but he wouldn't let go. So I got my hammer and smashed his fingers and he fell. But he landed in some hedges - still alive! I went crazy. I pushed my refrigerator out to the patio and over the rail, and it landed on him and killed him. But the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am".

The third guy says, "Picture this - I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."

excited said:

i can hear music coming out of my printer, i think the paper’s jammin’

*

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

y'all so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a romantic date sardar’s girl friend asks him:

“Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?”

He said: “Sure ! What’s your phone number?”

thaddlephakkum said:

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummaged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.
…
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days”.

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

babynoz said:

I can't remember if I told this one before...



Four nuns were lined up at the pearly gates where St. Peter stood at the entrance waiting to let them in.

The first nun steps forward and St Peter asks, "what is your sin?"

"I touched a man's privates" the sister confessed.

"Oh no!" St. Peter exclaimed." You must wash your hands in this bucket of holy water immediately before you can enter the kingdom!"

The nun scurried off to obey and the second nun approached St. Peter.

"What is your sin?" he asked.

"I am also guilty of touching a man's nether regions" she replied timidly.

St. Peter frowned and pointed to the bucket. "you too" he said sternly.

As the third nun came forward, the fourth nun suddenly jumped in front of her. Shocked, St. Peter looked at her and said, "wait a minute sister, there will be no cutting in line at the pearly gates! What is the reason for such rudeness?"

The nun shook her head and said, "I'm sorry St. Peter but I ain't washing my mouth in that water after she washes her ass in it!"

that was from a MOVIE...

Peter asked a girl in a library

“Do you mind if I sit beside you” ?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at Peter and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the Peter table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, - I guess you felt embarrassed, right ?”

Peter responded with a loud voice : "$10,000 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT! ? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and Peter whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

The only joke I know is

"If you wanted 2 buy Sam Cook album where would you go?"

"Well I would recommend Amazon. They have many hard to find music items at very reasonable prices"

[Edited 10/7/13 5:36am]

priest and a rabbi walking down the street...see a boy .....priest says to rabbi "id love to fuck that boy" ......rabbi says "out of how much money"

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

That's cold.

two dydslexics run into a bank and shout

"AIR IN THE HANDS MUTHA-STICKERS...

"THIS IS A FUCK UP!!!"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.".

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

KingBAD said: