A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

KingBAD said:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the
books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a
lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send
them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in
his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and
every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went
on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we
do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control pills?






















A trip without the kids.

[Edited 9/6/13 10:54am]

Oh honey I've got fart jokes up the ass.

A woman goes into a bar determined to get plastered. She orders one Michelob beer after another until she's really hammered. Near closing time the only people left in the bar were the woman and two guys shooting pool in the back of the room. Seeing her condition, the two guys carry her to the back of the room and have their way with her atop the pool table.

Two nights later, the same thing happens. She orders Michelob, drinks herself into a stupor and the same two guys escort her back to the pool table again for round two.

Three nights later there she was again and the guys can't believe their luck. The bartender says, "I know, Michelob, right?"

"Oh no!" She says. "I'm switching to Budweiser 'cuz that damn Michelob makes my coochie hurt!"

Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What, and you're gonna fuck it?"

Cloudbuster said:

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What, and you're gonna fuck it?"

Two cannibals were sitting down together having together having dinner.

One said to the other, "I don't like my mother-in-law."

The other replied, "Try the potatoes."

I can't remember if I told this one before...



Four nuns were lined up at the pearly gates where St. Peter stood at the entrance waiting to let them in.

The first nun steps forward and St Peter asks, "what is your sin?"

"I touched a man's privates" the sister confessed.

"Oh no!" St. Peter exclaimed." You must wash your hands in this bucket of holy water immediately before you can enter the kingdom!"

The nun scurried off to obey and the second nun approached St. Peter.

"What is your sin?" he asked.

"I am also guilty of touching a man's nether regions" she replied timidly.

St. Peter frowned and pointed to the bucket. "you too" he said sternly.

As the third nun came forward, the fourth nun suddenly jumped in front of her. Shocked, St. Peter looked at her and said, "wait a minute sister, there will be no cutting in line at the pearly gates! What is the reason for such rudeness?"

The nun shook her head and said, "I'm sorry St. Peter but I ain't washing my mouth in that water after she washes her ass in it!"

babynoz said:

I can't remember if I told this one before...



Four nuns were lined up at the pearly gates where St. Peter stood at the entrance waiting to let them in.

The first nun steps forward and St Peter asks, "what is your sin?"

"I touched a man's privates" the sister confessed.

"Oh no!" St. Peter exclaimed." You must wash your hands in this bucket of holy water immediately before you can enter the kingdom!"

The nun scurried off to obey and the second nun approached St. Peter.

"What is your sin?" he asked.

"I am also guilty of touching a man's nether regions" she replied timidly.

St. Peter frowned and pointed to the bucket. "you too" he said sternly.

As the third nun came forward, the fourth nun suddenly jumped in front of her. Shocked, St. Peter looked at her and said, "wait a minute sister, there will be no cutting in line at the pearly gates! What is the reason for such rudeness?"

The nun shook her head and said, "I'm sorry St. Peter but I ain't washing my mouth in that water after she washes her ass in it!"

OK. I've got one.

*

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train pulled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and starting talking in a loud voice:

*

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train"

*

"Yes I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but had a long meeting".

*

"No, honey not with Kevin from the accounting office. It was with my boss".

*

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

*

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

*

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

*

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue hang up the phone and come back to bed."

*

Sue does not use her cell phone in public any longer.

A Baptist pastor, a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are having lunch one day and the subject turns to tithing. Specifically, how does each church determine what part of the tithe is kept for local purposes, and what part is sent on to help nationally and world-wide?

The Baptist pastor says, "We draw a circle on the floor, throw the money in the air, and we keep whatever lands inside the circle".

The Catholic priest says, "We also draw a circle on the floor, throw the money in the air, but we keep whatever lands outside the circle".

The Jewish rabbi says, "We don't draw any circles. We just throw the money in the air and shout 'God, keep what you want and send back the rest!'"

A wife is complaining to her husband about her body, and says she wants a boob job. She figures her husband will definitely go for that.

"Yeah, that would be great but we can't afford a boob job right now," says the husband. "But I have a foolproof way to make your boobs enormous, and it's almost free. Take this toilet paper and rub it on your boobs a couple times a day, and in a year or so you'll have giant boobs".

"How is rubbing toilet paper on my boobs going to make them grow?" asks the wife.

"I don't know," says the husband, "But it sure worked on your ass!"

Little Johnny walks into a whorehouse, dragging a dead frog on a string. "I want to have sex with whatever whore in this place has VD" he exclaims.

The madam is taken aback and says, "Sorry, but a kid can't have sex here". However, Little Johnny pulls out $500 and says again, "I want to have sex with whatever whore in this place has VD!" The madam takes his money, but asks Little Johnny why he wants to do such a thing.

"Because," says Little Johnny, "I'll get VD from your whore. Then later tonight, my parents will go out and I'll screw the babysitter and give her VD. Later, my dad will take the babysitter home but will screw her before he drops her off, and then he'll have VD. He'll come home, nail my mom, and give the VD to her. The next day the milkman will come by, mom will screw him, and the milkman will get the VD.

"And he's the sonofabitch that ran over my frog!"

[img:$uid]http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/d-brief/files/2013/09/frogblastoff.jpg[/img:$uid]

Two wives go on a Girls' Night Out and really tie one on. They're walking home at 3 AM and nature calls. There's nothing around but a cemetary, so they decide to do their business there. Of course, there is no toilet paper there, so they have to improvise.

The next morning, the two husbands are having coffee together at the diner and one husband says, "You know, I'm a little worried about what our wives did last night. When my wife got home, her blouse was soiled and smelled like shit!"

"You think YOU'RE worried?" says husband number two. "When my wife came home, she had a card stuck up her ass that said 'We're all going to miss you'!"

Two dwarves buy a couple of hookers in Las Vegas, and take them up to their rooms.

The first dwarf gets in bed with his hooker, but alas - he's struck impotent! Nothing they try gets any reaction. No sex for him! What's worse, all night long, he can hear his buddy next door screaming the same thing, over and over. "One, two, three...OOOOMPH! One, two, three...OOOOMPH!" All freaking night long. "One, two, three...OOOOMPH!"

The next morning, the two dwarves meet for breakfast. "How did it go?" asks the second dwarf. "Terrbile," says the first dwarf. "We got into bed. We got naked. But I couldn't get it up!"

The second dwarf says, "At least you were able to get up ON the bed!"

Superman is bored. There's no crime, no one needs saving - it's a day off. So he goes flying around to see if any of his superbuddies want to hang out. First stop is the Bat Cave.

"Hey Batman, want to shoot some pool?" asks Superman. "Can't," says Batman. "Gotta do some work on the Batmobile today". So Superman flies over to Spiderman's house.

"Want to shoot some pool, Spidey?" he asks. "Can't," says Spiderman. "Working on my webshooter today".

So Superman just flies around the city, but then he sees Wonder Woman tannning on the roof of her building. And she's completely nude! "Man, I've always wanted to tap that!" thinks Superman. "And here's my chance! I'll fly down there in a flash, give her a superfast boning, and be out of there before she knows what happened!"

So that's exactly what he does.

"What was that?!?" asks Wonder Woman.

"I don't know," says the Invisible Man, "but my ass is sore!"

The teacher asks Little Johnny a question. "If there are five birds on a telephone wire and a farmer shoots two of them, how many are left?" Little Johnny says, "None". The teacher asks him the question again, and again Little Johnny answers, "None". "How did you get your answer?" asks the teacher.

Little Johnny says, "The other three birds flew away when they heard the gunshots". The teacher says, "Well that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think!" So Little Johnny says, "In that case, I have a question for YOU".

"Three women are sitting on a bench and each one has a lollipop. One is biting her lollipop, one is chewing her lollipop, and one is sucking her lollipop. Which woman is married?" The teacher gets a little red-faced but Little Johnny says, "Come on. I know you can figure this out".

So the teacher sheepishly says, "It's the woman sucking her lollipop.

"No, it's the woman wearing a wedding ring," says Little Johnny, "But I sure like the way YOU think!"

One day a fisherman asks a nearby priest if he would like to join him for an hour. The priest agrees and after a few minutes the preist catches a huge fish. The fisherman says "what a huge sonofabitch". The angry preist says "watch your language!". The fisherman quickly makes up a lie and says "sorry for the misunderstanding, this kind of fish is called a sonofabitch. The priest apologises to the fisherman.

The priest says goodbye to the fisherman and takes his fish back to the church and shows it to the bishop. The priest says "bishop look! Look at how big this sonofabitch is!". The confused bishop is stunned. The priest quickly tells him that the fish is actually called a sonofabitch fish. The bishop decides that it would make a great meal for the pope who would be coming over and cleans it up.

After cleaning it, the bishop takes it to Sister Judy, the church's chief. He says "Judie you wanna cook this sonofabitch up?". Judie almost faints but is quickly told that the fish is in fact called a sonofabitch. She says "sorry for my reaction, I'd love to cook that sonofabitch up".

The fish is cooked and the pope arrives for dinner. The pope absolutely loves the dish and asks "how did this fish arrive on my plate?". The priest says "I caught that sonofabitch", the bishop says "I cleaned that sonofabitch", and Sister Judie says "I cooked that sonofabitch".

The pope looks at the 3 of them and says "you motherfuckers know how to cook a fuckin' fish"

Little Johnny's next-door neighbor noticed Little Johnny digging a hole. "What are you digging that hole for?" asked the neighbor. "I'm burying my goldfish" replied Little Johnny.

"Isn't that a big hole for a little goldfish?" asked the neighbor.

"Not when he's in the belly of your fucking cat!" replied Little Johnny.

The teacher said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter".

"Not true," said Little Johnny. "The other day my pit bull came upon a cat. The cat said 'Ffff! Ffff! Ffff!' but before he could get out 'Fuck off!' my dog ate him."

***********************************************************

"How was school?" asked Little Johnny's father. "Bad," said Little Johnny. "I got sent to the principal". "Why?" asked dad.

"Well, the teacher asked, 'What is three times two?' and I said it was six," said Little Johnny, "And then she asked 'What is two times three'?"

"What's the fucking difference?" asked Little Johnny's dad.

"That's what I said!"

***********************************************************

Little Johnny was walking his giraffe on a leash when his neighbor said, "What are you doing with that giraffe?"

"I'm going to mate her" said Little Johnny. "Where?" asked the neighbor.

Little Johnny lifted up her tail, pointed, and said "Right there".

***********************************************************

The teacher asked for stories that had a moral. Little Bobby went first. "I was at my grandfather's farm, and we gathered up all the eggs, put them in a basket, and headed to town to sell them. But we hit a big bump and I dropped the basket and all the eggs broke. So the moral is Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket".

Little Sally went next. "I was at my grandfather's farm and we had a bunch of eggs that were about to hatch. I counted 50 eggs so I said we would have 50 chicks, but some of the eggs didn't hatch at all, and some of the chicks died right after they hatched, so we only had 30 chicks. The moral is Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch".

Next up was Little Johnny. "My Uncle Jim was in the Gulf War. He flew an F-15 but he got shot down. He ejected and was only able to take his rifle, bayonet, and a fifth of Jack Daniels with him. He drank all the Jack Daniels on the way down. He landed right in the middle of 50 Iraqi Republican Guard soldiers. He shot 25 of them but ran out of bullets. Then he stabbed 15 of them to death with his bayonet but then the blade broke. So he killed the last 10 with his bare hands".

The teacher was mortified. "What is the moral of that story?" she asked.

Little Johnny said, "Never Fuck With Uncle Jim When He's Been Drinking".

*********************************************************

Little Johnny told his parents he was going to marry Little Susie. His father humored him and asked, "Where will you live?" Little Johnny said, "With Little Susie's parents". So his father asked, "What will you do for money?" Little Johnny said, "We both get allowances". His father smirked and asked, "Well, what about children?"

Little Johnny looked him in the eye and said, "We've been lucky so far!"

those were nice