Subject: FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.

LMAO.

It is silly...

Two whores were walking down a busy London street one night.

First whore:


"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can smell cock in the air."


Second whore:


"Sorry, I just burped!"

lmao..that is nasty!!!

Did you hear about the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a supermarket?

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits your windscreen?

It's arse.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a llama?
























Killed.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


Q. Do you know how Aggies practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q. What is the difference between "oooh"and "aaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

righteous1 said:

What's the useless bit of flesh around the vagina called?






The woman.

Haystack said:

Wrong. But funny.

See ladies, it's good for you.
It should be law.


Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to twelve minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and
tells the clerk, "I've got another dress for you to
clean."


Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come
again?"



"No," she says..."horseradish."

25 signs you've grown up.


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
~
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
~
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
~
4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
~
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
~
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
~
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
~
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
~
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
~
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
~
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
~
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
~
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
~
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
~
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
~
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 ! ! PM.
~
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
~
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.
~
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
~
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
~
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
~
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
~
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
~
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
~
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

A man boarded an airplane, and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his, and sat down. Eager to strike up a conversation with her, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned to him and smiled and said, "business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk
is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.
"You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of
my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug - and the woman - over the railing.

"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck cock?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

He immediately dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you fuck?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her also.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "Hold me, I suck! I fuck!" she screamed in panic.

"Whore," he said... and dropped her again.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated
pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."

A fourteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period.
The parrents shout, curse, cry, who is the pig who did this ? The girl
picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new
Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey
hair and impeccably dressed with a very expensive suit steps out of it
and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my
personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I can
bequeath her 3 stores, 2 condominiums apartments, a beach villa and
a US$ 500,000 yearly bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories, apart from the US$500,000. If it is twins, a
factory and US$ 250,000 each However, if there is a miscarriage...
" At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places
a hand on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll fuck her again!!! "

Cool things about being a guy.



1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. The world is your urinal.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 24 relatives, on December
24th, in 24 minutes.
37. One mood, ALL the damn time.

There were two ducks swimming on a pond.

The first duck went "quack"

The other duck went "I was just about to say that"


well, you did say silly...