Okay, so it is not often that I post my personal stuff on the org. But today, I feel so down, I'm in tears right now.

I am in the middle of a long drawn out separation/divorce. My marriage is intolerable, my husband is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive toward me. I have tried for years to make things better but I finally accepted that things would not. and I decided okay, let's get the divorce that he has screamed at me for years to get.

While going thru this, I have had a very low self esteem, really bad self image etc. I did have a weight problem and I am sure it contributed to my low self esteem.

Last year, I met a man at work who was so nice and friendly, it just seemed like I had met the sun. Everyday I would see him at work and I just felt better, happier, more excited. I developed a crush on him.... I didn't even know his name.. i was very shy.

But I wanted to get his attention, so I started to improve my looks, starting eating right and exercising, and smiling... feeling better about myself. Over the months, my efforts paid off. I lost 50 pounds, had a new look, got compliments from people who have known me for years. Even my husband couldn't believe my transformation. He still did not want to continue the marriage and we coexist like brother and sister.... so this marriage is over, and has been for several years.

I did finally get the guts to talk to my crush and we started developing a friendship at work. When learning that I was married, he let me know that he wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship with me.

I did explain my circumstances of pending divorce but I would respect his wishes.

But there were times during my interactions with my crush that confused me... the chemistry between us was obvious, certain conversation would go sexual comments, hello hugs that lingered, etc. Also several times he would ask me how were things going between me and my husband and I would be honest about obstacles or progress on our divorce.

He was never really inappropriate... always friendly. And he did tell me more than once that he had other friends... but they were friends not significant or serious relationships. Fine with me since I was not interested in heavy relationships so soon after my divorce as well. (forgot to mention, this man was newly divorced as well).

So 2 months ago I needed elective surgery. I worried about being off of work so long because my home life is so miserable.... I hated to see the weekends. I got so much positive energy from work and my friend there. We talked about my pending time off and he siad it would be okay to call or text occasionally while I was off from work.

The first few times I text (maybe 2 times in a 3 week period) he replied. for the following 4 weeks all my other 2 texts went unanswered.

So I'm feeling a little sad but I recognize that I'm still legally married blah blah blah.

In the meantime my home life is getting worst... now my husband is verbally abusive toward my mother who had come into town to help me with my recovery. She left the next morning because she was afraid of him. I really just needed some positive encouragement that I had become dependent on from my friend.

I just learned last week that my friend was more serious about a girl he was dating and has plans to elope with her.

I'm devastated. I feel like I have lost my crutch that I was using as I was building my strength to face such an uphill and ugly battle.

Part of me wants to be happy for my friend because he has been nothing but a positive influence on me. another part of me is angry because I feel he wasn't completely honest about his other relationships... i would have backed off months ago and not been so open and vunerable.

Now here is where I need advice. I am COMPLETELY paralyzed emotionally. I like all my positive changes were not as good as I previously thought. i thought I was getting stronger, better attitude, more effective, more attractive... that I wasn't the loser I always thought I was...

but today I feel just like the loser I felt in high school when I met my boyfriend and husband who would tell me, no one is going to want me blah blah blah.

I don't how to act when I go back to work and see my friend. I know he had no clue just how much I liked him. and also if by some chance he still wanted to "kick it" with me after my divorce is final but he is now the married one.. I'm not sure I could turn him down.

I really put a lot of value into the fact that this guy was interested in me since he was so out of my league... It was kind of like in high school he was football star quarterback and I was the dork named Carrie that no one liked. So there is a part of me that still want to prove to myself and everyone else that I am good enough, pretty enough, just enough that I can attract attractive people as well.

So come on Orger, tell me why continuing this crush will hurt me, etc. please no talk about religion or karma ... I have already tried that myself and it is not working...

Something that is just good common sense. I seemed to have run of that.

i was in 2 very abusive relationships before i met my husband. my advice to you is to seek out counseling. it really does help, because your self confidence is low, and you need to get yourself on track, as well as your life before you can have a healthy relationship with someone in the future. it's a lot of hard work, but it's possible, and you can do it.

uniden said:

i was in 2 very abusive relationships before i met my husband. my advice to you is to seek out counseling. it really does help, because your self confidence is low, and you need to get yourself on track, as well as your life before you can have a healthy relationship with someone in the future. it's a lot of hard work, but it's possible, and you can do it.

Thank you. I am going to do just that. I know this do it yourself counseling thing is just not enough for me anymore.

i agree that it would be a good idea to get some counseling

you can't rely on anyone else for your happiness... you have to find it from within... i know it sounds cliche but it's true

if you're still living with your husband, i would try to change that as quickly as possible.. then your "home life" can start to rebuild

the other thing that i think would help is to look to fill your life with things that interest you... and maybe look into doing some volunteer work to help people out... i've found the best thing to bring me out of a funk is to do for others

these men aren't where your happiness lies

good luck

MoBetterBliss said:

i agree that it would be a good idea to get some counseling

you can't rely on anyone else for your happiness... you have to find it from within... i know it sounds cliche but it's true

if you're still living with your husband, i would try to change that as quickly as possible.. then your "home life" can start to rebuild

the other thing that i think would help is to look to fill your life with things that interest you... and maybe look into doing some volunteer work to help people out... i've found the best thing to bring me out of a funk is to do for others

these men aren't where your happiness lies

good luck

thank you. I may have to move out of the house even though I still pay the mortgage just to get peace of mind. I was looking into a sorority that does a lot of charity work. I thought it would accomplish 2 things... charity work plus build my social support system since I really need both right now.

thanks for replying. This is helping me to get my thoughts flowing again. I tell you I haven't been able to think about much more than this stuff for the last week... this weekend has been really bad.

I thought my happiness was coming from within.. that i was changing and recognizing my self worth... but I now realize that it was coming from validation I felt because this guy was feeling me.

Totally f*cked up, I know.

prodigalfan said:

MoBetterBliss said:

i agree that it would be a good idea to get some counseling

you can't rely on anyone else for your happiness... you have to find it from within... i know it sounds cliche but it's true

if you're still living with your husband, i would try to change that as quickly as possible.. then your "home life" can start to rebuild

the other thing that i think would help is to look to fill your life with things that interest you... and maybe look into doing some volunteer work to help people out... i've found the best thing to bring me out of a funk is to do for others

these men aren't where your happiness lies

good luck

thank you. I may have to move out of the house even though I still pay the mortgage just to get peace of mind. I was looking into a sorority that does a lot of charity work. I thought it would accomplish 2 things... charity work plus build my social support system since I really need both right now.

thanks for replying. This is helping me to get my thoughts flowing again. I tell you I haven't been able to think about much more than this stuff for the last week... this weekend has been really bad.

I thought my happiness was coming from within.. that i was changing and recognizing my self worth... but I now realize that it was coming from validation I felt because this guy was feeling me.

Totally f*cked up, I know.

but incredibly common... don't beat yourself up over it

it takes time to build yourself up after being put down over a long period of time... be kind to yourself and you'll get there

prodigalfan said:

Last year, I met a man at work who was so nice and friendly, it just seemed like I had met the sun. Everyday I would see him at work and I just felt better, happier, more excited. I developed a crush on him.... I didn't even know his name.. i was very shy.

But I wanted to get his attention, so I started to improve my looks, starting eating right and exercising, and smiling... feeling better about myself. Over the months, my efforts paid off. I lost 50 pounds, had a new look, got compliments from people who have known me for years. Even my husband couldn't believe my transformation. He still did not want to continue the marriage and we coexist like brother and sister.... so this marriage is over, and has been for several years.

I did finally get the guts to talk to my crush and we started developing a friendship at work. When learning that I was married, he let me know that he wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship with me.

I did explain my circumstances of pending divorce but I would respect his wishes.

But there were times during my interactions with my crush that confused me... the chemistry between us was obvious, certain conversation would go sexual comments, hello hugs that lingered, etc. Also several times he would ask me how were things going between me and my husband and I would be honest about obstacles or progress on our divorce.

He was never really inappropriate... always friendly. And he did tell me more than once that he had other friends... but they were friends not significant or serious relationships. Fine with me since I was not interested in heavy relationships so soon after my divorce as well. (forgot to mention, this man was newly divorced as well).

I just learned last week that my friend was more serious about a girl he was dating and has plans to elope with her.

I'm devastated. I feel like I have lost my crutch that I was using as I was building my strength to face such an uphill and ugly battle.

Part of me wants to be happy for my friend because he has been nothing but a positive influence on me. another part of me is angry because I feel he wasn't completely honest about his other relationships... i would have backed off months ago and not been so open and vunerable.

Now here is where I need advice. I am COMPLETELY paralyzed emotionally. I like all my positive changes were not as good as I previously thought. i thought I was getting stronger, better attitude, more effective, more attractive... that I wasn't the loser I always thought I was...

Actually, it seems to me that your friend from work was being honest with you when he said he wasn't interested in having anything other than a platonic relationship with you. He doesn't owe you any explanation for why he dated other people and/or decided to elope with another woman.

Having said that, I understand how painful this must be for you. I know you were trying to get out of a horrible relationship, and the fact that this friend from work was there for you emotionally and caused you to transform yourself took a lot of strength to do. You should feel good about yourself for taking such positive steps to improve your life and well-being. In a sense, your whole life transformation was your way of getting yourself out of a relationship which no longer served you. It's sort of like shedding your outer shell like a chrysalis and becoming a butterfly. Don't let yourself be devastated for doing the right things for yourself just because you were tryng to impress someone else; you still have that thinner body, nice clothes, and warm disposition towards others. Be happy about yourself, and don't let anyone else determine your level of self-esteem, whether it's your abusive ex, your friend from work, Prince Charming, etc. Love yourself most of all, and that love will attract the right person who will complement you in any future relationship.

Stymie said:

I am so sorry Ms. Prodigal.

thanks Stymie!!

I guess I know the answer I had months ago why people in their 40s usually don't have a crush... it never ends well...

MoBetterBliss said:

prodigalfan said:

thank you. I may have to move out of the house even though I still pay the mortgage just to get peace of mind. I was looking into a sorority that does a lot of charity work. I thought it would accomplish 2 things... charity work plus build my social support system since I really need both right now.

thanks for replying. This is helping me to get my thoughts flowing again. I tell you I haven't been able to think about much more than this stuff for the last week... this weekend has been really bad.

I thought my happiness was coming from within.. that i was changing and recognizing my self worth... but I now realize that it was coming from validation I felt because this guy was feeling me.

Totally f*cked up, I know.

but incredibly common... don't beat yourself up over it

it takes time to build yourself up after being put down over a long period of time... be kind to yourself and you'll get there

thanks Mobetter!

I am totally trashing myself because I feel I should have KNOWN better... but the whole crush thing was making me feel better. Now I feel even worst.

728huey said:

prodigalfan said:

Last year, I met a man at work who was so nice and friendly, it just seemed like I had met the sun. Everyday I would see him at work and I just felt better, happier, more excited. I developed a crush on him.... I didn't even know his name.. i was very shy.

But I wanted to get his attention, so I started to improve my looks, starting eating right and exercising, and smiling... feeling better about myself. Over the months, my efforts paid off. I lost 50 pounds, had a new look, got compliments from people who have known me for years. Even my husband couldn't believe my transformation. He still did not want to continue the marriage and we coexist like brother and sister.... so this marriage is over, and has been for several years.

I did finally get the guts to talk to my crush and we started developing a friendship at work. When learning that I was married, he let me know that he wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship with me.

I did explain my circumstances of pending divorce but I would respect his wishes.

But there were times during my interactions with my crush that confused me... the chemistry between us was obvious, certain conversation would go sexual comments, hello hugs that lingered, etc. Also several times he would ask me how were things going between me and my husband and I would be honest about obstacles or progress on our divorce.

He was never really inappropriate... always friendly. And he did tell me more than once that he had other friends... but they were friends not significant or serious relationships. Fine with me since I was not interested in heavy relationships so soon after my divorce as well. (forgot to mention, this man was newly divorced as well).

I just learned last week that my friend was more serious about a girl he was dating and has plans to elope with her.

I'm devastated. I feel like I have lost my crutch that I was using as I was building my strength to face such an uphill and ugly battle.

Part of me wants to be happy for my friend because he has been nothing but a positive influence on me. another part of me is angry because I feel he wasn't completely honest about his other relationships... i would have backed off months ago and not been so open and vunerable.

Now here is where I need advice. I am COMPLETELY paralyzed emotionally. I like all my positive changes were not as good as I previously thought. i thought I was getting stronger, better attitude, more effective, more attractive... that I wasn't the loser I always thought I was...

Actually, it seems to me that your friend from work was being honest with you when he said he wasn't interested in having anything other than a platonic relationship with you. He doesn't owe you any explanation for why he dated other people and/or decided to elope with another woman.

Having said that, I understand how painful this must be for you. I know you were trying to get out of a horrible relationship, and the fact that this friend from work was there for you emotionally and caused you to transform yourself took a lot of strength to do. You should feel good about yourself for taking such positive steps to improve your life and well-being. In a sense, your whole life transformation was your way of getting yourself out of a relationship which no longer served you. It's sort of like shedding your outer shell like a chrysalis and becoming a butterfly. Don't let yourself be devastated for doing the right things for yourself just because you were tryng to impress someone else; you still have that thinner body, nice clothes, and warm disposition towards others. Be happy about yourself, and don't let anyone else determine your level of self-esteem, whether it's your abusive ex, your friend from work, Prince Charming, etc. Love yourself most of all, and that love will attract the right person who will complement you in any future relationship.

No I am feeling a little stung by rejection because it didn't happen on my terms: like please check box yes or no do you like me??

LOL

I have nothing but positive feelings for this man... and wish him the very best... and want our future interactions to be nothing else but positive. I feel very grateful that he has always been kind and super friendly to me when he didn't know me from Adam.

It is funny that you mentioned butterflies cause that is my new "symbol" I have several butterfly jewelery and when he asked me about them one day I explained that I was like a butterfly transforming before his very eyes.

At least I am not crying anymore. I have heard "love yourself" many times before. I really need to know what that means to people... since I need explicit explanation so that I can do for myself. I need to take this one step at a time.

I am realizing that this is stuff I needed to do to get out of my marriage. I thought I was going to get out the easy way. Well life has played a trick on me. But at least I have a new more attractive appearance, I met 4 new really good female friends, and I learned how to ballroom dance. ( all things I did to align myself to what I thought would get my friends attention and appreciation. )

A few things...

Get therapy- you have issues that com from within if you need external sources to give you validation...

we all love being in love, it gives us a high, so its understandable that you feel better from the rush you were getting around dude... but realize it was only temporary, you need a stable and everyday knowledge that you are worthy and can do all things and hope resides deep in your heart. I sought God for that... and a therapist... and a friend. But know this, your self worth should be found in you and you will choose better. Also, find an outlet to focus your anger on... dance, workout, paint, what ever... positive ways to lash your anger out is beneficial also a therapist will help you to stand up for yourself.

Get the fuck away from that abuser- you call your husband. Yeah, I said it! His words will whittle you down away into nothing. He ran your mother away during your time of need... you need peace and you will be 100000000000000% better once you no longer have to live with that fucker. Make no mistake, he is an abuser. Not your husband, not a partner, nothing but an abuser and he needs to be treated as such. No contact with him is crucial to your healing. Its no wonder you are having such a hard time. Ignore him and his painful words until then. If not seek help in kicking him out. Seek solace in prayer or meditation when he tries to hurt you until you can get away. You NEED to get away or remove him. He is your source of pain. Once he is gone you will heal... he is working daily on making sure you do not heal. Get rid of him now. He is toxic.

We all make mistakes. - Do not beat yourself up... just learn from them. Its life and in life that is supposed to happen. You fuck up, learn from it and that causes growth, and personal growth makes you a better person. You are a better person today. You are valuable, you are stronger and wiser.

You will find you peace again and your happiness too.

I

paintedlady said:

A few things...

Get therapy- you have issues that com from within if you need external sources to give you validation...

we all love being in love, it gives us a high, so its understandable that you feel better from the rush you were getting around dude... but realize it was only temporary, you need a stable and everyday knowledge that you are worthy and can do all things and hope resides deep in your heart. I sought God for that... and a therapist... and a friend. But know this, your self worth should be found in you and you will choose better. Also, find an outlet to focus your anger on... dance, workout, paint, what ever... positive ways to lash your anger out is beneficial also a therapist will help you to stand up for yourself.

Get the fuck away from that abuser- you call your husband. Yeah, I said it! His words will whittle you down away into nothing. He ran your mother away during your time of need... you need peace and you will be 100000000000000% better once you no longer have to live with that fucker. Make no mistake, he is an abuser. Not your husband, not a partner, nothing but an abuser and he needs to be treated as such. No contact with him is crucial to your healing. Its no wonder you are having such a hard time. Ignore him and his painful words until then. If not seek help in kicking him out. Seek solace in prayer or meditation when he tries to hurt you until you can get away. You NEED to get away or remove him. He is your source of pain. Once he is gone you will heal... he is working daily on making sure you do not heal. Get rid of him now. He is toxic.

We all make mistakes. - Do not beat yourself up... just learn from them. Its life and in life that is supposed to happen. You fuck up, learn from it and that causes growth, and personal growth makes you a better person. You are a better person today. You are valuable, you are stronger and wiser.

You will find you peace again and your happiness too.

Painted, thanks for your reply. You are right... I need to get away from my abuser. To tell you the truth, I am afraid of him... I want to just run away but I financially can not just walk away I have to stand up to him and serve divorce papers or I will put myself in financial ruin for at least 4 - 5 years.

I consulted 2 differnt lawyers... 1 told me I could have to pay $1200 per month in spousal and child support for 4 years because my spouse is officially disabled (:rolleyes:) and the other told me I could have to spend tens of thousand in fighting for physical custody because I was the one who worked and he was stay at home dad. Alienation of spousal comfort, seeing FUCKING UFO in our backyard, and verbal abuse that I have recorded on voice mails will not help me with my case.

So I am trying to let him control the pace of our divorce hoping to stay on his good side. We have been seriously talkiing about this since October. When I was against divorce he had blank worksheets he would shove at me when he was angry demandning that I sign them. Now that I am ready and he can SEE that I want out of marriage and that I am interested in someone else... now he wants to drag his feet.

I guess when I get back to work, if we have not filled out this paper work I will go traditional route and hire a divorce lawyer and pick up a 2nd job to pay what ever court order money I have to for 5 years. I just have to look at it like I am buying a new car and that is my car note.

There is no man on earth that will make you happy, ever.

People sometimes desperately need to be loved and

have affirmations from others that they are worthy of

being loved. And, sometimes they get that from another

person--and it feels great. But, it's always temperary,

even in long lasting relationships, eventually you reach

a point that you realize the other person is simply not

responsible for making you feel good about yourself.

You can be in the most loving relationship ever and

develop depression. It's not an external thing.

This 'crush' that you have is not what is emotionally

paralyzing you. I know that sounds cliche', but it's

not the other person. Your mind is trapped in some

type of comfort zone right now, and you perceive

closed doors and such. I have no advice for what you

should do, but I do know that this 'crush' is not

the problem. Remove yourself from that situation,

get the divorce done. Cry yourself silly, and pick

yourself up.

imago said:

There is no man on earth that will make you happy, ever.

People sometimes desperately need to be loved and

have affirmations from others that they are worthy of

being loved. And, sometimes they get that from another

person--and it feels great. But, it's always temperary,

even in long lasting relationships, eventually you reach

a point that you realize the other person is simply not

responsible for making you feel good about yourself.

You can be in the most loving relationship ever and

develop depression. It's not an external thing.

This 'crush' that you have is not what is emotionally

paralyzing you. I know that sounds cliche', but it's

not the other person. Your mind is trapped in some

type of comfort zone right now, and you perceive

closed doors and such. I have no advice for what you

should do, but I do know that this 'crush' is not

the problem. Remove yourself from that situation,

get the divorce done. Cry yourself silly, and pick

yourself up.

okay so you are saying that my response is not because of the crush but really because of my ending marriage and my own self esteem issues. the crush thing just masked that issue... and now the crush feelings have been neutralized my REAL issue is coming to the surface.

Yeah... I never really saw that before.. but Imago you are right. That makes total sense. I could not see this before. sooner or later this was going to have to come out and be dealt with.

Get divorce and then I can start healing and moving on. LOL I know it seems crystal clear to yall reading this... but it was so convulted to me.

thanks Imago :hugs:

prodigalfan said:

imago said:

There is no man on earth that will make you happy, ever.

People sometimes desperately need to be loved and

have affirmations from others that they are worthy of

being loved. And, sometimes they get that from another

person--and it feels great. But, it's always temperary,

even in long lasting relationships, eventually you reach

a point that you realize the other person is simply not

responsible for making you feel good about yourself.

You can be in the most loving relationship ever and

develop depression. It's not an external thing.

This 'crush' that you have is not what is emotionally

paralyzing you. I know that sounds cliche', but it's

not the other person. Your mind is trapped in some

type of comfort zone right now, and you perceive

closed doors and such. I have no advice for what you

should do, but I do know that this 'crush' is not

the problem. Remove yourself from that situation,

get the divorce done. Cry yourself silly, and pick

yourself up.

okay so you are saying that my response is not because of the crush but really because of my ending marriage and my own self esteem issues. the crush thing just masked that issue... and now the crush feelings have been neutralized my REAL issue is coming to the surface.

Yeah... I never really saw that before.. but Imago you are right. That makes total sense. I could not see this before. sooner or later this was going to have to come out and be dealt with.

Get divorce and then I can start healing and moving on. LOL I know it seems crystal clear to yall reading this... but it was so convulted to me.

thanks Imago :hugs:

Chile, my problem is even more rediculous.

I had a messy as condo for almost an entire year. Constantly cleaning it, constantly trying to make my place presentable. I was afraid to have people come over, I was constantly forgoing activities to 'clean my place.'

I had been through a series of bad relationships the year before, and was afraid to venture out and be me again. By having a dirty place, I was able to not do that. After cleaning the shit out of my place, I forced myself to join the world of the living.

Now, I've met all sorts of new people and am in a better place. Seriously--I realize now my dirty

ass condo was an excuse to not live.

Sorry to hear of your trouble sis....I hate seeing good peeps go through crap,

Making sure you have good, wise support and counsel of some kind is a good idea. Sometimes people internalize the toxic stuff thrown at then over time without fully realizing how it can undermine self esteem.

I sure hope you can get out of there and the sooner the better. Are your kids old enough to say who they want to live with? If so then take them and go ASAP even if you don't file divorce right away. I left, literally with nothing but our clothes and personal effects because we needed peace of mind first and foremost. Hopefully you can do something similar.

As for your friend, consider the possibility that he has served the purpose in your life that he was intended to serve. His friendship was the encouragement you needed to make some positive changes but make no mistake, it was you that ultimately did the work so don't make light of what you have already done for yourself. This is a time of uncertainty and the little setback/misunderstanding with him has you feeling off balance, that's all. Him eloping could be for the best because of your needing to heal and rebuild without any romantic entanglements for the time being. It's a case of getting what you need rather than what you may want at the time.

The best thing is that you are open to reaching out for support and I will continue sending you positive thoughts.

See orgnote

prodigalfan said:

I

paintedlady said:

A few things...

Get therapy- you have issues that com from within if you need external sources to give you validation...

we all love being in love, it gives us a high, so its understandable that you feel better from the rush you were getting around dude... but realize it was only temporary, you need a stable and everyday knowledge that you are worthy and can do all things and hope resides deep in your heart. I sought God for that... and a therapist... and a friend. But know this, your self worth should be found in you and you will choose better. Also, find an outlet to focus your anger on... dance, workout, paint, what ever... positive ways to lash your anger out is beneficial also a therapist will help you to stand up for yourself.

Get the fuck away from that abuser- you call your husband. Yeah, I said it! His words will whittle you down away into nothing. He ran your mother away during your time of need... you need peace and you will be 100000000000000% better once you no longer have to live with that fucker. Make no mistake, he is an abuser. Not your husband, not a partner, nothing but an abuser and he needs to be treated as such. No contact with him is crucial to your healing. Its no wonder you are having such a hard time. Ignore him and his painful words until then. If not seek help in kicking him out. Seek solace in prayer or meditation when he tries to hurt you until you can get away. You NEED to get away or remove him. He is your source of pain. Once he is gone you will heal... he is working daily on making sure you do not heal. Get rid of him now. He is toxic.

We all make mistakes. - Do not beat yourself up... just learn from them. Its life and in life that is supposed to happen. You fuck up, learn from it and that causes growth, and personal growth makes you a better person. You are a better person today. You are valuable, you are stronger and wiser.

You will find you peace again and your happiness too.

Painted, thanks for your reply. You are right... I need to get away from my abuser. To tell you the truth, I am afraid of him... I want to just run away but I financially can not just walk away I have to stand up to him and serve divorce papers or I will put myself in financial ruin for at least 4 - 5 years.

I consulted 2 differnt lawyers... 1 told me I could have to pay $1200 per month in spousal and child support for 4 years because my spouse is officially disabled (:rolleyes:) and the other told me I could have to spend tens of thousand in fighting for physical custody because I was the one who worked and he was stay at home dad. Alienation of spousal comfort, seeing FUCKING UFO in our backyard, and verbal abuse that I have recorded on voice mails will not help me with my case.

So I am trying to let him control the pace of our divorce hoping to stay on his good side. We have been seriously talkiing about this since October. When I was against divorce he had blank worksheets he would shove at me when he was angry demandning that I sign them. Now that I am ready and he can SEE that I want out of marriage and that I am interested in someone else... now he wants to drag his feet.

I guess when I get back to work, if we have not filled out this paper work I will go traditional route and hire a divorce lawyer and pick up a 2nd job to pay what ever court order money I have to for 5 years. I just have to look at it like I am buying a new car and that is my car note.

Go seek out legal aid. That is for folks who cannot get a lawyer. You need to know your legal rights. And what types of access for the kids would work for you.

You need to document everything. Keep a coiled book, to write down stuff. Tape the phone calls. Keep a paper trail........ judges love that. It gives you a credible leg to stand on. Document anything abusive he has done to the kids. You can ask the judge for supervised access where an independant party can discontinue the visit if need be. They do keep reports of all visits.

luv4u said:

prodigalfan said:

I

Painted, thanks for your reply. You are right... I need to get away from my abuser. To tell you the truth, I am afraid of him... I want to just run away but I financially can not just walk away I have to stand up to him and serve divorce papers or I will put myself in financial ruin for at least 4 - 5 years.

I consulted 2 differnt lawyers... 1 told me I could have to pay $1200 per month in spousal and child support for 4 years because my spouse is officially disabled (:rolleyes:) and the other told me I could have to spend tens of thousand in fighting for physical custody because I was the one who worked and he was stay at home dad. Alienation of spousal comfort, seeing FUCKING UFO in our backyard, and verbal abuse that I have recorded on voice mails will not help me with my case.

So I am trying to let him control the pace of our divorce hoping to stay on his good side. We have been seriously talkiing about this since October. When I was against divorce he had blank worksheets he would shove at me when he was angry demandning that I sign them. Now that I am ready and he can SEE that I want out of marriage and that I am interested in someone else... now he wants to drag his feet.

I guess when I get back to work, if we have not filled out this paper work I will go traditional route and hire a divorce lawyer and pick up a 2nd job to pay what ever court order money I have to for 5 years. I just have to look at it like I am buying a new car and that is my car note.

Go seek out legal aid. That is for folks who cannot get a lawyer. You need to know your legal rights. And what types of access for the kids would work for you.

You need to document everything. Keep a coiled book, to write down stuff. Tape the phone calls. Keep a paper trail........ judges love that. It gives you a credible leg to stand on. Document anything abusive he has done to the kids. You can ask the judge for supervised access where an independant party can discontinue the visit if need be. They do keep reports of all visits.

Good advice luv. He may not even ask for money or custody and even if he did the judge can modify or even deny his requests.

i don't know you very well personally, but i've been reading your posts here on the ORG for years and you are no slouch! any guy would be lucky to know you. find the guy who makes you smile and be with him. ditch that mean one asap.

i felt so sad reading this, i haven't experienced anything like it but have seen a close friend go through this for years & she was always such a strong woman it broke my heart to see her so worn down, she was emotionally numb as you describe.

she left him 3x before she finally gathered the strength to go, all the time needing a lot of support & encouragement from friends & fam.. these things are always complicated when kids & property are involved. it cost her a load of money to get him off her back, but she has just come through it. it's taken a year, but she is back to old laughing self.

other people here have given great advice, stay positive & get some wheels in motion. good luck with it & chin up x

babynoz said:

Sorry to hear of your trouble sis....I hate seeing good peeps go through crap,

Making sure you have good, wise support and counsel of some kind is a good idea. Sometimes people internalize the toxic stuff thrown at then over time without fully realizing how it can undermine self esteem.

I sure hope you can get out of there and the sooner the better. Are your kids old enough to say who they want to live with? If so then take them and go ASAP even if you don't file divorce right away. I left, literally with nothing but our clothes and personal effects because we needed peace of mind first and foremost. Hopefully you can do something similar.

As for your friend, consider the possibility that he has served the purpose in your life that he was intended to serve. His friendship was the encouragement you needed to make some positive changes but make no mistake, it was you that ultimately did the work so don't make light of what you have already done for yourself. This is a time of uncertainty and the little setback/misunderstanding with him has you feeling off balance, that's all. Him eloping could be for the best because of your needing to heal and rebuild without any romantic entanglements for the time being. It's a case of getting what you need rather than what you may want at the time.

The best thing is that you are open to reaching out for support and I will continue sending you positive thoughts.

Wow Babynoz, you have written what I know in my heart to be true. I thank everyone for putting my attention on the real issue here, which is my divorce and sanity and safety rather than a crush at work. I was using the crush as a distraction of the real and serious issue of my bad/abusive marriage and my dysfunctional home life. Some people at work would not believe my home life... I am so good at pretending that I am so happy. Only a few people know just how miserable and scared I really am.

And you are on point about my friend serving a purpose... and I know this, even said this before I knew his name... that it was motivation to me to get mentally and physically stronger to face what to me is a very hard thing. I am a very easy going, don't anger easily,meek (yes I said it) kind of person. Why did I marry the COMPLETE opposite??? So all of that plays a role in how we relate today. He is dominant, I am submissive by nature. So now the roles are changing and it is hard for both of us.

I guess learning that my friend will soon be inaccessible to me put me in panic mode.... I have nothing to mask my real problems... nothing to take my mind off of things. And it is time.

tomorrow AM I am calling my insurance to get a therapist and calling a 3rd divorce lawyer for a consultation... hopefully he is someone I can afford... the last 2 retainer was $5000.

imago said:

prodigalfan said:

okay so you are saying that my response is not because of the crush but really because of my ending marriage and my own self esteem issues. the crush thing just masked that issue... and now the crush feelings have been neutralized my REAL issue is coming to the surface.

Yeah... I never really saw that before.. but Imago you are right. That makes total sense. I could not see this before. sooner or later this was going to have to come out and be dealt with.

Get divorce and then I can start healing and moving on. LOL I know it seems crystal clear to yall reading this... but it was so convulted to me.

thanks Imago :hugs:

Chile, my problem is even more rediculous.

I had a messy as condo for almost an entire year. Constantly cleaning it, constantly trying to make my place presentable. I was afraid to have people come over, I was constantly forgoing activities to 'clean my place.'

I had been through a series of bad relationships the year before, and was afraid to venture out and be me again. By having a dirty place, I was able to not do that. After cleaning the shit out of my place, I forced myself to join the world of the living.

Now, I've met all sorts of new people and am in a better place. Seriously--I realize now my dirty

ass condo was an excuse to not live.

:hugs: love you Imago!! I have done that as well, not having a clean place as an excuse for friends at work not being invited or welcomed for a visit.

But in the last 6 months I made effort to be more outgoing...(tryng to impress that friend of mine ) and I have several really good buddies.. and one really good friend. I was shocked and moved, when these people came out to visit me when I came home from the hospital after my first surgery. Every sunday someone was driving out to see me or calling me. Sunday was the sick and shut in day. LOL

My husband was shocked... you know because he had told me 6 months earlier that no one liked me, no one wanted me, no man would want my fat ass because I was a miserable piece of shit.

Well, I proved him wrong... I have friends that i go out with and when I am sick they come to see about me.

So now I am more concientious about how I look and how my house and car looks because I want to be ready just in case.

I also started dressing in coordinate clean wrinkle free clothes and shaving under my arms and legs because once again... I want to be prepared just in case. Before I didn't do those things because no one would see or care anyway.

And that is the reason for my elective surgeries. Hernia repair (my stomach looked like Signorney Weaver's in the movie Alien) and breast reconstruction...(cause the next man I get involved with will most likely want me to have some boobs... lol)

So thanks for sharing that with me about your condo and How you had fears and overcame them. i don't feel like a loser... people that i like and respect here on the Org have overcome fears personal shortcomings and reading your (and everyone elses) stories lets me know I am not alone and I will get through this.

XxAxX said:

i don't know you very well personally, but i've been reading your posts here on the ORG for years and you are no slouch! any guy would be lucky to know you. find the guy who makes you smile and be with him. ditch that mean one asap.

thank you! I am starting to cry again, but this time it because i am touched that everyone here is showing me love and support. Thank you!

ThisOne said:

I was in a very abusive marriage Just like u plus the physical stuff - I tried to make it work but he just got worse as the years passed When I think of the things he did to me I realise how lucky I am to be alive It took years for me to divorce him - but I did it And divorcing him has been an absolute nightmare Sometimes I think he will never go away. Being married to an abusive male is never easy, nice or fun . Tell me why r u still with him?

We have one daughter... I am afraid that when we are apart and she is alone with him he will be abusive to her. I can not get full custody... he is careful enough to appear a great dad and most of the time he is. But he loses control and does crazy things.

Last year, he didn't like my daughter's teacher. He threatened to take her out of school and home school her... (already been there, done that... she missed the second half of 1st grade because he did that).

This time I was able to convince him that we should try private school. So last year, in the middle of her 6th grade "we" (me passively going along) put here in a catholic school

OMG, it was awful. My daughter was an outcast because the school was small and the girls had known each other since 1st grade and she was the new kid...

there was a lot of homework and academically my daughter struggled. So my husband decided that there would be no more homework. and he forbidded us from doing anymore school work at home... we even tried to go to library after school to do homework... no.

We had several conferences with the principal and the teacher to try to find a compromise... because I was afraid that my daughter would be held back... and punished for something that is not her fault... IT IS MY FAULT THAT WE ARE IN THIS MESS WITH THIS MAN.

During one of our conferences, my husband is telling them that his daughter means everything to him, that he would die for her... and while he is telling them this.... he breaks down and cries real tears... in front of strangers. I was mortified... I didn't know what to do... so I just pretended to not notice.

Thankful they allowed her to pass to the next grade. I didn't re-enroll her into school because he was planning to sue the Arch Dioseses for a refund on the tuition since he felt they did not make good on the tuition contract to educate my daughter.

I just eased her back into public school and never answered any of the teacher or principals emails because I want to spare them from having to deal with that drama and insanity. I wouldn't wish my husband on my worst enemy.

excited said:

i felt so sad reading this, i haven't experienced anything like it but have seen a close friend go through this for years & she was always such a strong woman it broke my heart to see her so worn down, she was emotionally numb as you describe.

she left him 3x before she finally gathered the strength to go, all the time needing a lot of support & encouragement from friends & fam.. these things are always complicated when kids & property are involved. it cost her a load of money to get him off her back, but she has just come through it. it's taken a year, but she is back to old laughing self.

other people here have given great advice, stay positive & get some wheels in motion. good luck with it & chin up x

Thank you for your support. So your friend had to pay alimony? child support? how did she manage the financial part? did she had to file bankruptcy?

prodigalfan said:

ThisOne said:

prodigalfan said:

We have one daughter... I am afraid that when we are apart and she is alone with him he will be abusive to her. I can not get full custody... he is careful enough to appear a great dad and most of the time he is. But he loses control and does crazy things.

Last year, he didn't like my daughter's teacher. He threatened to take her out of school and home school her... (already been there, done that... she missed the second half of 1st grade because he did that).

This time I was able to convince him that we should try private school. So last year, in the middle of her 6th grade "we" (me passively going along) put here in a catholic school

OMG, it was awful. My daughter was an outcast because the school was small and the girls had known each other since 1st grade and she was the new kid...

there was a lot of homework and academically my daughter struggled. So my husband decided that there would be no more homework. and he forbidded us from doing anymore school work at home... we even tried to go to library after school to do homework... no.

We had several conferences with the principal and the teacher to try to find a compromise... because I was afraid that my daughter would be held back... and punished for something that is not her fault... IT IS MY FAULT THAT WE ARE IN THIS MESS WITH THIS MAN.

During one of our conferences, my husband is telling them that his daughter means everything to him, that he would die for her... and while he is telling them this.... he breaks down and cries real tears... in front of strangers. I was mortified... I didn't know what to do... so I just pretended to not notice.

Thankful they allowed her to pass to the next grade. I didn't re-enroll her into school because he was planning to sue the Arch Dioseses for a refund on the tuition since he felt they did not make good on the tuition contract to educate my daughter.

I just eased her back into public school and never answered any of the teacher or principals emails because I want to spare them from having to deal with that drama and insanity. I wouldn't wish my husband on my worst enemy.

I hear u and understand your fears as I had and still have them But let me put things in perspective - When she is older she will insult u, disrespect u and treat you like shit because that is how she sees you get treated She thinks your marriage is a normal relationship She thinks abuse is ok to live with because u set president She idolises her dad will end up with someone just like him She will be abused because she thinks it's ok and normal She will bully and abuse others because that is what she learns She will pass on what you teach her to her own children She hates u more than she hates him because u hate it as much as she does but do nothing about it If you asks her she will tell you that he scares her - she lives in fear Now is that what u want for her? Those reasons r what made me get out...

well I know what you say is true... it is already starting to come true. She disrespects me and despises me already because of how she sees him treat me. She uses some of the same insults in the same tone of voice that he uses on me.

I never thought that my accepting this abuse will make it more likely that she will be more likely to be abused herself. I don't want that for my little girl. I know that staying in this is actually hurting her... She will need counseling as well. She's 13 now. I should have left when she was 8 the last time I was at my breaking point, or when she was 2... when he was looking for areas in florida to live when he decided he was going to divorce me.

I know I need to get divorced... I just can't believe or can afford $1200 per month for 5 years. I can barely pay all of our bills now. But if I have to pick up a second job... and file bankruptcy... then that is what I will do. It is only money... I can make more. (thank God I am able to say that).