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Reply #30 posted 04/07/13 4:41pm

dJJ

Congratulations!

You have had the courage to take care of yourself and even ask support over here.

Not many women in an abusive relationship come that far. They just have a horrible life and then die.

You need to make a plan. I'm not sure if it's save to just leave.

Please start to become aware of the manipulative tricks your husband is using.

His behaviour is very informative, especially about what works to manipulate you.

He will try different modes to manipulate you, don't show that you'r aware of that.

Please read "Stalking the soul"

Also read "Woman who love to much"

Join a support group. It's the only way. Really, trust me on that one.

There probably is a Robin Norwood support group. Inquire about it and go there.

Build a dossier with at much proof as you can get.

Work out a financial escape plan. A plan that is based on the worst scenario and than even worse.

Seek help & advice how to handle the kids.

Make sure you are prepared. Don't act without being very, very, very prepared.

Don't leave him this week yet. You really need to make a plan, get help and support.

And you need a strategy that doesn't inferiate him.

Because leaving is not the end.

I'm struggling with a third court case with my ex. He will not stop to make my life miserabl ever. And I know that. So, I'm prepared for that.

I expect him to come up with the most horrible behaviour just to hurt me. I will not be surprised or shocked. THat is what makes me strong. Because I'm prepared.

And untill now that worked out good for me.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #31 posted 04/07/13 5:29pm

uniden

avatar

prodigalfan said:

uniden said:

i was in 2 very abusive relationships before i met my husband. my advice to you is to seek out counseling. it really does help, because your self confidence is low, and you need to get yourself on track, as well as your life before you can have a healthy relationship with someone in the future. it's a lot of hard work, but it's possible, and you can do it. hug

Thank you. I am going to do just that. I know this do it yourself counseling thing is just not enough for me anymore.

grouphug hug

be kind, be a friend, not a bully.
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Reply #32 posted 04/07/13 5:36pm

alphastreet

Hi prodigal, I finally read the thread though I intended to earlier, and you've gotten a lot of good advice already that I hope is helpful to you. Definitely get legal aid and come up with a safety plan with someone you trust to help you leave your place, cause staying there is not helping you at all and I'm glad you recognize that. Also, I agree that while I don't know you personally, sometimes falling for people you may not end up being with or are not accessible to you romantically is a sign of low self-esteem. Alhough I have not been in your situation at work, I have been hung up on people I was never going to get to know at all, and it hurt like hell in the end though I had to remind myself I was fine as I was without them too, even though for a long time I was fooled into thinking I felt good about myself just cause of their existence.

Please let us know how it's going and please take care of yourself. If you have children, take them along with you and begin the legal work asap, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it.

[Edited 4/7/13 17:53pm]

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Reply #33 posted 04/07/13 5:59pm

dJJ

prodigalfan said:

Okay, so it is not often that I post my personal stuff on the org. But today, I feel so down, I'm in tears right now.

Good that you did. You need and deserve support that is good for you.

I am in the middle of a long drawn out separation/divorce. My marriage is intolerable, my husband is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive toward me. I have tried for years to make things better but I finally accepted that things would not.

You tried to heal him. But he just played with you.You were his little toy.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. NEVER.

It's not within your power or capacity to change him.

and I decided okay, let's get the divorce that he has screamed at me for years to get.

While going thru this, I have had a very low self esteem, really bad self image etc. I did have a weight problem and I am sure it contributed to my low self esteem.

That is your husband his weaponry. He will make sure you are weak, so he can use you. Don't allow him. You are the one who decides what you can or can't do, what you'r capable of. Not he.

Last year, I met a man at work who was so nice and friendly, it just seemed like I had met the sun. Everyday I would see him at work and I just felt better, happier, more excited. I developed a crush on him.... I didn't even know his name.. i was very shy.

But I wanted to get his attention, so I started to improve my looks, starting eating right and exercising, and smiling... feeling better about myself.

I'm happy that you did.

but

You put this man in the same position as your husband. You make him decide who you are, without his consent.

Because your look and behave are not you, but what you think he likes.

So, either your husband dictates your life or some (random) other person (without even knowing it).

You are so used to this, that you don't even know how you would dress or behave if it was based on what you like or who you are.

Over the months, my efforts paid off. I lost 50 pounds, had a new look, got compliments from people who have known me for years. Even my husband couldn't believe my transformation.

NO. Because he loses control over you if you can steer your own life. Now he is steering it. He assumes this fase is just temporary.

He expects you to come down from this. He knows how to get you there, because he did it twice before. And it worked out fine for him.

He still did not want to continue the marriage and we coexist like brother and sister.... so this marriage is over, and has been for several years.

Yes. He has you paing the bills, cleaning the house, doing the nasty jobs. He uses you to vent his own frustration and agression. Why on earth would he want to change this situation?

He doesn't want you to leave the house. Belief me.

He will do everything he can to prevent you from going. He will use your kids, family, friends, co-workers, social workers, his family, everybody around you, as his tools to make you stay in the house and continue the situation as it is.

Be prepared for this.

I did finally get the guts to talk to my crush and we started developing a friendship at work.

Good that you reached out. That was a very important first step.

When learning that I was married,

he let me know that he wasn't interested in anything more than platonic friendship with me.

Why didn't you want to accept what is saying to you? You are not the one who decides for him who he wants to be with. If he's just not into you in that way, it hurts, but you'll get over it. Stop trying to change other people. Start changing yourself when you are unhappy. Make yourself happy.

I did explain my circumstances of pending divorce but I would respect his wishes.

But there were times during my interactions with my crush that confused me... the chemistry between us was obvious, certain conversation would go sexual comments, hello hugs that lingered, etc. Also several times he would ask me how were things going between me and my husband and I would be honest about obstacles or progress on our divorce.

He was never really inappropriate... always friendly. And he did tell me more than once that he had other friends... but they were friends not significant or serious relationships. Fine with me since I was not interested in heavy relationships so soon after my divorce as well. (forgot to mention, this man was newly divorced as well).

Give him time and space to heal himself. He needs to go trought several phases. He will be served with situations that will teach him lessons. So he can find out what he needs in his life. As you will be.

He sounds like a good person, a real friend. Treat him with the respect he deserves and let him recover from his divorce.

So 2 months ago I needed elective surgery.

I worried about being off of work so long

because my home life is so miserable....

I hated to see the weekends.

yeahthat

I'm happy for you that you have your work. But you seem to use it as an excuse to distract yourself from leading your own life.

I got so much positive energy from work

Great!

Do spend time on things that give you positive energy.

Avoid spending time on things that give you negative energy and deplete you.

It's a simple recipe, but it works.

and my friend there. We talked about my pending time off and he siad it would be okay to call or text occasionally while I was off from work.

The first few times I text (maybe 2 times in a 3 week period) he replied.

It's allways good to have a friend.

for the following 4 weeks all my other 2 texts went unanswered.

Did you ask if he was okay? Is something going on? Don't force him to be your friend.

So I'm feeling a little sad but I recognize that I'm still legally married blah blah blah.

In the meantime my home life is getting worst... now my husband is verbally abusive toward my mother who had come into town to help me with my recovery. She left the next morning because she was afraid of him.

That is why he is doing it. He will make sure you will have no support around you. Because he wants you to be weak. And it worked. Your mother left.

I really just needed some positive encouragement that I had become dependent on from my friend.

You'r at the right place. Orgfamily loves you grouphug grouphug

You have been doing so good! It's just the motivation was wrong.

You made your friend the reason to take care of yourself. You tought you'd gain something. Wanting that he would save you and make you happy.

That is not his task.

It's your task to take care of yourself and make you happy. And when you take on that responsebility, you will become happy. And not only when you've tricked somebody else into taking care of you (and subsequently get dissapointed/angry)

I just learned last week that my friend was more serious about a girl he was dating and has plans to elope with her.

Good for him.

I'm devastated. I feel like I have lost my crutch that I was using as I was building my strength to face such an uphill and ugly battle.

Yes. That is the case. You did it for him, now start doing it for yourself.

Part of me wants to be happy for my friend because he has been nothing but a positive influence on me. another part of me is angry because I feel he wasn't completely honest about his other relationships... i would have backed off months ago and not been so open and vunerable.

I don't know if you are being fair to him. Maybe he was convused himself. Understandable after a divorce. You singlehandedly decided that he had to save you and make you happy. You can't blame him for living his own life in stead yours.

It's good that you have been open and vulnerable. It lead up to you finding the power to take care of yourself. And now that you once did it, you do it again over here.

It's great that you allow other people to be there for you. Support you and encourage you. Orgers will have your back.

Now here is where I need advice. I am COMPLETELY paralyzed emotionally. I like all my positive changes were not as good as I previously thought. i thought I was getting stronger, better attitude, more effective, more attractive... that I wasn't the loser I always thought I was...

You will go through many more different emotions in the future. THat's okay. Just feel the emotions. Don't react upon them. Learn to feel them and not be afraid of them.

You won't die. And they won't last forever.

If train yourself to become capable of experiencing your emotions, and not avoid them, you are the boss of your life.

Now you are afraid of your own emotions and thoughts. You avoid yourself.

And that is the weapon of your husband. SOrry, Your abuser.

but today I feel just like the loser I felt in high school when I met my boyfriend and husband who would tell me, no one is going to want me blah blah blah.

You had low self esteem. And didn't trust your own judgement.

So, you allowed him to make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop that.

Start relying on yourself. Start to get to know yourself.

And apreciate both the good and the bad.

Nobody is perfect.

I don't how to act when I go back to work and see my friend. I know he had no clue just how much I liked him. and also if by some chance he still wanted to "kick it" with me after my divorce is final but he is now the married one.. I'm not sure I could turn him down.

Really that is not your main worry at the moment.

Be supportive, be his friend.

Focus on yourself. Spend all your time and energy on yourself.

You should worry about a plan to protect yourself and your children from a dangerous abuser.

Get help to get save.

I really put a lot of value into the fact that this guy was interested in me

He has been your friend.

But just not ready to give up his own identity and life,for you.

He, rightly so, refuses to be your saviour.

To lead his life according to your demands/wishes.

Don't blame him. You feel like a victim, but really, you are not.

CHerish the way you have been supporting eachother.

And don't blame him for not behaving exactly as you planned for him.

since he was so out of my league...

You are the one who is making a hierarchy in the value of a person's life.

Why do you judge one person to be better than another?

Everybody is different and has the same value as any body else.

I don't understand your system of weighing the league.

How does it work?

Who's in and who's out, based on what? And does everybody agree with your idea of that league?

Life is not a bad 80's movie or MTV-clip.

Life is what you make of it. You lead your life.

It was kind of like in high school he was football star quarterback and I was the dork named Carrie that no one liked.

So, if you would have dated a guy who you would not even get along with, but he would have been a star quarterback, than you would be succesfull?

Explain to me why? And who decides what is succesfull? And do you want to be succesfull or happy?

So there is a part of me that still want to prove to myself and everyone else that I am good enough,

Start to define good enough. What is good and what is enough for whom?

pretty enough,

who decides pretiness and who defines that?

And what is enough? For what?

just enough that I can attract attractive people as well.

mad

So, when you hang out with attractive people you will be succesfull or happy?

What if the attractive people and you have very different interests and hobbies?

WIll you not make yourself happy, by spending your time on your hobbies, but,

rather spend time doing things you don't like, with people that you think are attractive?

I'm considered an attractive person.

And many people have pretend to be interested in me. Or like me.

But they can't be, because they don't know me.

They were false pretenders who hurt me a lot.

They just have this obsession that being around an attractive person will make them happy. And therefore make me responsible for their happiness?

I have become very careful because of people like you.

Let me be myself, lead my life.

I need friends that know me and love me for all of me.

I don't want people around me who think that our engagement makes them happy.

If you only want to be with people because they are attractive I am so happy that we are not in the same room togeter.

Because eventhough you don't know me at all, you want to be my friend.

Because you think I will make you happy, because I'm attractive.

And when I don't want to be your friend, because I don't know you, you would get angry with me.

Trying to make me feel bad about not wanting to have people around me that only are around me because of my looks.

How can you be a good friend to somebody you only value because of his/her looks?

You don't care about them. You only care how they make you look.

Start to find out what you enjoy. And do that.

Don't use or abuse the attractive people for your own gains.

So come on Orger, tell me why continuing this crush will hurt me, etc. please no talk about religion or karma ... I have already tried that myself and it is not working...

Something that is just good common sense.

I did.

I hope you apreciate that I've spend a lot of time writing this post.

Because I really do wish to have a better life than the one you currently have.

I hope you will do everything you can to make yourself happy.

I seemed to have run of that.

You don't need your husband to abuse you, you do that yourself already.

Stop that.

Don't make anybody else responsible for what is your own responsebility: Taking care of yourself and leading yourself to a good life.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #34 posted 04/07/13 6:01pm

dJJ

ThisOne said:

I was in a very abusive marriage Just like u plus the physical stuff - I tried to make it work but he just got worse as the years passed When I think of the things he did to me I realise how lucky I am to be alive It took years for me to divorce him - but I did it And divorcing him has been an absolute nightmare Sometimes I think he will never go away. Being married to an abusive male is never easy, nice or fun . Tell me why r u still with him?

You have been so strong and have chose to create a good life.

clapping

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #35 posted 04/07/13 6:07pm

dJJ

prodigalfan said:

728huey said:

Actually, it seems to me that your friend from work was being honest with you when he said he wasn't interested in having anything other than a platonic relationship with you. He doesn't owe you any explanation for why he dated other people and/or decided to elope with another woman.

Having said that, I understand how painful this must be for you. cry sad hug I know you were trying to get out of a horrible relationship, and the fact that this friend from work was there for you emotionally and caused you to transform yourself took a lot of strength to do. You should feel good about yourself for taking such positive steps to improve your life and well-being. In a sense, your whole life transformation was your way of getting yourself out of a relationship which no longer served you. It's sort of like shedding your outer shell like a chrysalis and becoming a butterfly. Don't let yourself be devastated for doing the right things for yourself just because you were tryng to impress someone else; you still have that thinner body, nice clothes, and warm disposition towards others. Be happy about yourself, and don't let anyone else determine your level of self-esteem, whether it's your abusive ex, your friend from work, Prince Charming, etc. Love yourself most of all, and that love will attract the right person who will complement you in any future relationship.

typing

No I am feeling a little stung by rejection because it didn't happen on my terms: like please check box yes or no do you like me??

LOL

I have nothing but positive feelings for this man... and wish him the very best... and want our future interactions to be nothing else but positive. I feel very grateful that he has always been kind and super friendly to me when he didn't know me from Adam.

It is funny that you mentioned butterflies cause that is my new "symbol" I have several butterfly jewelery and when he asked me about them one day I explained that I was like a butterfly transforming before his very eyes. smile

At least I am not crying anymore. I have heard "love yourself" many times before. I really need to know what that means to people... since I need explicit explanation so that I can do for myself. I need to take this one step at a time.

I am realizing that this is stuff I needed to do to get out of my marriage. I thought I was going to get out the easy way. Well life has played a trick on me. But at least I have a new more attractive appearance, I met 4 new really good female friends, and I learned how to ballroom dance. ( all things I did to align myself to what I thought would get my friends attention and appreciation. )

That will be my book!!

A practical book with a plan to love yourself.

I wished I didn't have to deal with the bull** of my ex. If he just paid what he has to pay, I can move on with my life. Meaning: write that book!

OOOPS

Did I just make my ex-husband responsible for my own decision about not starting to write that book?

Anybody who wants to help me with funding; so I can write my book??

Please orgnote me.

I need your help so I can do what makes me happy.

Write a guide to love and protect yourself.

Survival guide for human kind.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #36 posted 04/07/13 6:10pm

dJJ

prodigalfan said:

ThisOne said:

prodigalfan said: I hear u and understand your fears as I had and still have them But let me put things in perspective - When she is older she will insult u, disrespect u and treat you like shit because that is how she sees you get treated She thinks your marriage is a normal relationship She thinks abuse is ok to live with because u set president She idolises her dad will end up with someone just like him She will be abused because she thinks it's ok and normal She will bully and abuse others because that is what she learns She will pass on what you teach her to her own children She hates u more than she hates him because u hate it as much as she does but do nothing about it If you asks her she will tell you that he scares her - she lives in fear Now is that what u want for her? Those reasons r what made me get out...

well I know what you say is true... it is already starting to come true. She disrespects me and despises me already because of how she sees him treat me. She uses some of the same insults in the same tone of voice that he uses on me.

I never thought that my accepting this abuse will make it more likely that she will be more likely to be abused herself. I don't want that for my little girl. I know that staying in this is actually hurting her... She will need counseling as well. She's 13 now. I should have left when she was 8 the last time I was at my breaking point, or when she was 2... when he was looking for areas in florida to live when he decided he was going to divorce me.

I know I need to get divorced... I just can't believe or can afford $1200 per month for 5 years. I can barely pay all of our bills now. But if I have to pick up a second job... and file bankruptcy... then that is what I will do. It is only money... I can make more. (thank God I am able to say that).

Your husband already uses your daughter as a weapon against you.

That is very damaging to her.

Save your daughter.

But first get yourself help and support on how to do that.

Learn how to stop him from manipulating her.

Don't allow him to abuse her like that.

Please, I beg you.

Save her from a faith of letting a man manipulate her into serving him.

Raise her to become a happy woman, not as a prey for abusive men.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #37 posted 04/07/13 6:22pm

dJJ

prodigalfan said:

imago said:

Chile, my problem is even more rediculous.

I had a messy as condo for almost an entire year. Constantly cleaning it, constantly trying to make my place presentable. I was afraid to have people come over, I was constantly forgoing activities to 'clean my place.'

I had been through a series of bad relationships the year before, and was afraid to venture out and be me again. By having a dirty place, I was able to not do that. After cleaning the shit out of my place, I forced myself to join the world of the living.

Now, I've met all sorts of new people and am in a better place. Seriously--I realize now my dirty

ass condo was an excuse to not live.

:hugs: love you Imago!! I have done that as well, not having a clean place as an excuse for friends at work not being invited or welcomed for a visit.

But in the last 6 mo

nths I made effort to be more outgoing...(tryng to impress that friend of mine wink)

Friendship is not based on how impressed somebody is with you.

A friend loves you because of who you are.

And is proud of you for being strong.

Not because you confront him with a false image just to impress him/her.

How can somebody love you for who you are if nobody knows who you are, because your life is about pretending, make belief and presenting a false image of yourself?

and I have several really good buddies.. and one really good friend. I was shocked and moved, when these people came out to visit me when I came home from the hospital after my first surgery. Every sunday someone was driving out to see me or calling me. Sunday was the sick and shut in day. LOL

My husband was shocked... you know because he had told me 6 months earlier that no one liked me, no one wanted me, no man would want my fat ass because I was a miserable piece of shit.

Well, I proved him wrong... I have friends that i go out with and when I am sick they come to see about me.

Don't get in this contest with your husband. He will win.

Step out of that game.

It's a destructive game. For everybody and especially your children

So now I am more concientious about how I look and how my house and car looks because I want to be ready just in case.

I also started dressing in coordinate clean wrinkle free clothes and shaving under my arms and legs because once again... I want to be prepared just in case. Before I didn't do those things because no one would see or care anyway.

And that is the reason for my elective surgeries. Hernia repair (my stomach looked like Signorney Weaver's in the movie Alien) and breast reconstruction...(cause the next man I get involved with will most likely want me to have some boobs... lol)

So thanks for sharing that with me about your condo and How you had fears and overcame them. i don't feel like a loser... people that i like and respect here on the Org have overcome fears personal shortcomings and reading your (and everyone elses) stories lets me know I am not alone and I will get through this. smile

Make a plan.

Prepare for the worst.

You've got to go through that, and only than you can make yourself happy.

[Edited 4/7/13 18:24pm]

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #38 posted 04/07/13 6:25pm

dJJ

Make sure your husband can't read this thread.

Because if he know about your plan; you'r not save anymore.

Neither are your children.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #39 posted 04/07/13 9:49pm

luv4u

Moderator

avatar

moderator

dJJ said:

Congratulations!

You have had the courage to take care of yourself and even ask support over here.

Not many women in an abusive relationship come that far. They just have a horrible life and then die.

You need to make a plan. I'm not sure if it's save to just leave.

Please start to become aware of the manipulative tricks your husband is using.

His behaviour is very informative, especially about what works to manipulate you.

He will try different modes to manipulate you, don't show that you'r aware of that.

Please read "Stalking the soul"

Also read "Woman who love to much"

Join a support group. It's the only way. Really, trust me on that one.

There probably is a Robin Norwood support group. Inquire about it and go there.

Build a dossier with at much proof as you can get.

Work out a financial escape plan. A plan that is based on the worst scenario and than even worse.

Seek help & advice how to handle the kids.

Make sure you are prepared. Don't act without being very, very, very prepared.

Don't leave him this week yet. You really need to make a plan, get help and support.

And you need a strategy that doesn't inferiate him.

Because leaving is not the end.

I'm struggling with a third court case with my ex. He will not stop to make my life miserabl ever. And I know that. So, I'm prepared for that.

I expect him to come up with the most horrible behaviour just to hurt me. I will not be surprised or shocked. THat is what makes me strong. Because I'm prepared.

And untill now that worked out good for me.

My previous ex is still, to this day, a man bent on revenge because I left him. Once you leave, the controller has lost control of you ......... then you have taken the power back. I did a safety plan. A person who decides to leave, will leave only when they are ready.

It's not easy walking on egg shells when one minute he is nice and the next it gets nasty.

Contact the domestic violence unit of your police. They can meet with you anywhere. Everything is confidential. They can advise of a safety plan when one leaves with their child(ren).

Get counselling for you and child(ren).

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Reply #40 posted 04/08/13 1:39pm

prodigalfan

avatar

Thanks everyone for additonal replies. I've been off the computer today just trying to get myself back to my functioning mode. My daughter went back to school after spring break and I stayed in my bedroom all day today.

DJJ, thanks for your replies... and especially your thoughts on my friend at work. You are correct, I was just attempting to replace one controler for another even though my friend has no clue, is most likely not interested in that sort of thing, and as you pointed out has his own life to live, and his own happiness to be worried about.

I feel sort of like a chick with a ton of problems that he needs to avoid... and I am ashamed at how much effort I put into trying to pull him into my drama, when more than once he has told me that my situation is not something he needs in his life at this time. smh... what kind of friend have I been to him?

And I do believe that my posts here are not accessible to my spouse since he doesn't have my password to the org.

I know that my spouse is seeking to keep me under his control. At least once per week he threatens to keep me from my car... my source of transportation because i have not acted the way he wants me to. I made a very bad mistake of buying my car using his credit since he got better interest rates... so now my car is in his name. Many times he will take the keys from me just when I am ready to walk out of the door to go to work... or threaten to report the car stolen so that i can get arrested.

I have been told that if i buy a new car in my own name that will remove one of his tools of control... and to be prepared for him to become violent as he loses his tools of control over me.

I know he uses my daughter to control me as well... that kept me under control for a while because I was afraid that he would get full custody of my only child. And I am still worried that he will leave the country with her. I have removed her passport from our house just in case he decided to leave US. He has traveled to India and had planned to move there... has talked about moving to South America, and Israel when he feels anxious about the politics of the US. So I have the passport and I guess if he ever finds out I will pay the price... but I will not let him take her away from family and her country just because he has delusions and paranoia.

I do have an appointment with a counselor this week so that I can sort out what is my real problem and focus my efforts on that. and also resources and support groups.

I knew that I was an "abused" woman but I never really recognized just how bad it was. Because he very seldom became physically abusive... I just always frame things behaviors in such away that I coudl excuse it off as he was in bad mood, or he has anger management problems or he was feeling ill. I didn't want to be an "abused" woman. But in order for me to get better I have to face facts.

And DJJ, you are right that I still have low self esteem. I thought I was pass that but the fact that I put ALL that effort into getting approval from a stranger who was merely friendly to me says a lot. Pathetic... I know.

Yeah, and I don't know what to say for myself on that whole issue... so I need professional counseling to find out why do I have such a low opinion of my self and need validation from someone else in order to think I'm worthy. smh I think how over and over again people would tell me that I shouldn't think that I wasn't in that man's league.... that I'm in a league of my own... and all these other self esteem boosters... I know realize they were all saying the same things because they all have good self esteem... and people with high self esteem think that way. I don't have a high self esteem or I would already know that.

So.... I'm doing more reflecting.. and my problems are coming into better focus. Please everyone who have advice or encouragement please continue to post. I am reading and reflecting.

I never thought I would get so much support here on the Org. Thank you all. I have kept this stuff hidden for all the years I have been a member of the Org. I wish I had spoke up sooner, but at least I did. One step at a time.

Step one.. get counseling

step 2 see that lawyer and start quietly setting aside money to file... I just wasted $200 on getting those DIY divorce papers... cause he is not going to file. He keeps thinking if he puts me off that this phase will go away. Since September I have persistently asked him to finish this marriage.

I never dreamed he woujld drag his feet. But DJJ is correct... I now pay ALL the bills.. and we sleep in separate rooms. Both are tools for him to control me. He has withdrawn his "love" and affection, and his share of the finances because I am not "acting right"... I don't deserve it.

So another way to control me... all of my money is being consumed by all of our living expenses for the entire household.

But I can't focus on the big picture... I jsut got to focus on step 1... counselor to help me examine the bigger picture in manageable chunks. I feel overwhelm trying to address all the issues I have at this time.

"Remember, one man's filler is another man's killer" -- Haystack
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Reply #41 posted 04/08/13 1:52pm

kitbradley

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I guess the part that really struck me is when you were talking about the guy you had a crush on at work. You said in order to get his attention, you decided to change your look by developing healthy habits. We should develop healthy habits for ourselves, not to please someone else or attract their attention. I would never want to be with a guy who ignored me when I was heavy but all of a sudden becomes interested when I get thin.

"It's not nice to fuck with K.B.! All you haters will see!" - Kitbradley
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Reply #42 posted 04/08/13 5:19pm

dJJ

You don't need to apologize for who you are.

And you have made some major steps already.

Don't underestimate what you already achieved.

You will be allright, because you took the biggest hurdle.

Being honest about your life and face the facts.

And you are doing exactly the right things. Get help to make a plan and do it in phases.

hug

These are the first days of the rest of your life.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Reply #43 posted 04/08/13 5:26pm

babynoz

Right now I am concerned about you being in a safe place with your daughter.

I'm glad you're seeking counseling because there are people with experience and knowledge about resources that you may not have known about. It also lets you know that you're not alone. On the life journey we all have various challenges and issues to deal with, so remember that forgiving yourself will help you to move ahead.

Please be careful and let us know how things are going.

Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise.
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Reply #44 posted 04/08/13 6:04pm

Beautifulstarr
123

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If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet your husband, and when did he suddenly lose his mind?

As for your friend, I hope he's not eloping for the wrong reasons, considering he's newly divorced as well, because both of you needed time and space, not each other's emotional baggage. Just my thoughts.

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Reply #45 posted 04/08/13 6:28pm

Beautifulstarr
123

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prodigalfan said:

I know he uses my daughter to control me as well... that kept me under control for a while because I was afraid that he would get full custody of my only child. And I am still worried that he will leave the country with her. I have removed her passport from our house just in case he decided to leave US. He has traveled to India and had planned to move there... has talked about moving to South America, and Israel when he feels anxious about the politics of the US. So I have the passport and I guess if he ever finds out I will pay the price... but I will not let him take her away from family and her country just because he has delusions and paranoia.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't sound like an American man. What country is he from?

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Reply #46 posted 04/08/13 6:44pm

Ace

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uniden said:

my advice to you is to seek out counseling. it really does help

Ditto. Best thing I ever did. Hang in there. hug

"Acceptance, forgiveness, and love."
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Reply #47 posted 04/08/13 6:52pm

Beautifulstarr
123

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Other than that, wishing you the best wink

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Reply #48 posted 04/08/13 7:49pm

nammie

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Cheer- up-- look ahead and move forward!

The ONE thing I have learned from my own divorce is this..

You can be selfish without being greedy. I will expound on that in a private pm and you can share if you wish. Untill then, I give you the words to this song..

You're outta the woods.

You're outta the dark.

You're outta the night.

Step into the sun Step into the light!

Keep straight ahead for the most glorious places on the face of the earth or the sky.

Hold on to your breath.

Hold on to your heart.

Hold on to your hope!

March up to the gate a bid it open!

May your higher power bless you!

[Edited 4/8/13 19:51pm]

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Reply #49 posted 04/09/13 3:49am

prodigalfan

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kitbradley said:

I guess the part that really struck me is when you were talking about the guy you had a crush on at work. You said in order to get his attention, you decided to change your look by developing healthy habits. We should develop healthy habits for ourselves, not to please someone else or attract their attention. I would never want to be with a guy who ignored me when I was heavy but all of a sudden becomes interested when I get thin.

It wasn't just me losing weight. Because I started losing weight and feeling better about myself, I became more outgoing. I started looking people in the eye and smile and say hello to them when we pass in the hallways at work. I didn't fear rejection so I wasn't always looking down at my feet when I walked.

I not only got my friend's attention... many more people too. I have made 4 new friends that I go out with, that call me to see if I'm feeling okay... etc. Last July... I had no friends.

It was my attitude that changed in addition to how I looked that my friend noticed. that was the first thing he said when I made his acquaintance... that I gave good eye contact... most people walk around looking down at their feet. (I never told him that is why he never noticed me because I was the best at blending into the crowds and looking down at my feet).

"Remember, one man's filler is another man's killer" -- Haystack
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Reply #50 posted 04/09/13 3:57am

prodigalfan

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Beautifulstarr123 said:

If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet your husband, and when did he suddenly lose his mind?

As for your friend, I hope he's not eloping for the wrong reasons, considering he's newly divorced as well, because both of you needed time and space, not each other's emotional baggage. Just my thoughts.

wow, now there's a story... I met my husband on the internet in a chat room .... does anyone remember Prodigy???

He always was a difficult person with anger management issues... but never directed toward me. I guess because I was just so happy to have met someone who loved and wanted to marry me that I just went along with what ever he wanted. Our problems began after we had our daughter.... there were some things that I didn't want to go along with.

I believe now that he was always different, eccentric..... yes crazy. It has gotten much worst as he gets older. and now his hostility is directed at me because there is no one else in his life but me and our daughter... His family he keeps at a distance... and no friends are around from his younger years.. and he has no new friends. WE didn't have any friends or any visitors other than family for 16 of our 17 years of marriage... except the occasional friend of his from high school that came around when someone from high school died etc. I'm from another state so I really didn't know anyone from this area except the people I work with. So I was isolated right away.... his family, his friends....

"Remember, one man's filler is another man's killer" -- Haystack
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Reply #51 posted 04/09/13 4:02am

prodigalfan

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Beautifulstarr123 said:

prodigalfan said:

I know he uses my daughter to control me as well... that kept me under control for a while because I was afraid that he would get full custody of my only child. And I am still worried that he will leave the country with her. I have removed her passport from our house just in case he decided to leave US. He has traveled to India and had planned to move there... has talked about moving to South America, and Israel when he feels anxious about the politics of the US. So I have the passport and I guess if he ever finds out I will pay the price... but I will not let him take her away from family and her country just because he has delusions and paranoia.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't sound like an American man. What country is he from?

He was born and raised in the midwest... but has a lot of ways that are foreign. He is scotch irish and looks it. Found out that he had a jewish great great grand... suddenly he is now jewish, learns how to read hebrew, started going to the Temple.... smh. I did not marry a jewish man. Not that I would not... but that is not him... just another one of his "phases"

He is a very resourceful and intelligent man... Goes to extremes when he puts his mind to something.. and then just as quickly as he got into it... he gets bored and abandons it.

"Remember, one man's filler is another man's killer" -- Haystack
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Reply #52 posted 04/09/13 7:30am

paintedlady

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prodigalfan said:

Beautifulstarr123 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't sound like an American man. What country is he from?

He was born and raised in the midwest... but has a lot of ways that are foreign. He is scotch irish and looks it. Found out that he had a jewish great great grand... suddenly he is now jewish, learns how to read hebrew, started going to the Temple.... smh. I did not marry a jewish man. Not that I would not... but that is not him... just another one of his "phases"

He is a very resourceful and intelligent man... Goes to extremes when he puts his mind to something.. and then just as quickly as he got into it... he gets bored and abandons it.

An abuser can be from anywhere... abuse is about control, men/women/samesex/hetero/young/old/black/white... all you need is a person who feels better by treating someone else like shit.

The trouble is that many people I know who are abused just do not know what the signs of an abuser are... they learn about it once they are actually neck deep in an abusive relationship.

I was raised by a mom who was beaten and emotionally abused by every man she got with... she thought that the personality traits of an abusive man =passionate man. So I learned what to watch out for as far as a physical abuser.

No abuser walks up to a woman and slaps her.

"Hey, Ms...can I know your name? *SLAP!* "

~NO~ an abuser is SLICK and sexy, and has that passionate vibe.

An abuser usually is a great manpulator and loves to give ALL his attention to his lover. Every moment is dedicated to his lover and then the abuser is able to get into a position of control where the abuser isolates their lover then the monster comes out. The lover lives in fear and employs survival tactics with their abuser in order to survive.

Some people do not understand that, they blame victims of abuse... unless you know the tell tale signs of an abuser beforehand, it is easy to be mislead. Heck, sometimes many victims of abuse tend to followin the same pattern if they don't know any better.

I was never physically abused, but I was with a man who would have if I let him. The only thing that stopped him from beating me is him knowing that I would ABSOLUTELY and IMMEDIATELY call the police and have his ass thrown in jail if I saw him ball up his fists and nostrils flare when speaking to me. He knew that... and that was the ONLY thing that kept him from hitting me, because he knew he wouldn't get away with it. Told him so, and had a few friends who were police.

That asshole knew Karate/Jujitsu and would disrobe me and lay on me, under the guise of foreplay... to stroke my chest, ribcage, neck for what he called "pressure points" to hit... I thought he was joking at first until I realized if he hit me once, or got close enough I would be in great peril. He literally was scanning my body for weak points to hit in order to hurt me, and then doing it in a "romantic" way before he would go down on me... fucker.

He still emotionally abused me, he was VERY romantic and would surprise me often with gifts, flowers, perfumes, shoes.... only to demand things of me. I had a dress code, no friends, would complain if I spent time alone with my family and would play on my guilt if I spent too much time around the children. What he wanted he got. He was good at going down on me... and if I had a complaint, he would give me oral sex and tell me to forget it. He would always make me feel guilty for having a life. He would never celebrate me and didn't want me to work (I still did) and would complain about how I always made him feel un-loved.

It was gradual and slow... but he eventually would gain FULL control of my life, and I adored him. He even slept with my sister and I still felt afraid to confront him. I didn't want to lose my excellent lover. I still confronted him, but he only called me crazy and denied it... so did my sister even though they would crack jokes at my expense, giggle and smile at each other, and behave as if they were sharing a secret... that and I caught them taking a shower together. At the time we all lived together temporarily ,she was in the midst of a divorce, and I also lost my apartment and we all had to move in with my mom for a year. I didn't break up with him and decided to believe his lies... I couldn't bear to break up with my lover and I was pregnant at the time.

I no longer want him at all, and he often comes by to beg me back... I found myself again... took years. I have peace now and I am happy. I joined the org one year after I left him. I lost everything and had to rebuild... and found happiness in the process, I don't miss his manipulative ways (excellent sex/guilt trips) at all. Not even one little bit.

I now look at my sister and just smile. She is my forever reminder of why I will never want his nasty ass again. lol

I have 2 kids with that asshole... and we are happy he is not in our lives. He tries to hurt our children emotionally any chance he gets. So I always one way or another have to console them... as they age they get better at not being hurt by him.

The last visit that asshole tried to "tickle" our daughter in her room with the door closed.

I bust in there and got him out... told he he only shows up twice a year to see his kids and has no business in the her room door closed and trying to wrestle her on her bed.

pissed

Had my machete in my hand... he left her room... now he isn't allowed to enter the house or be alone with our daughter. Taught my girl about inappropriate touching and warned her against her own father.

disbelief

She's OK. But I have to be diligent with her father, he will hurt our kids any way psooible. I am just glad they are beginning to understand. They are happy and still show him respect and do not personalize the shit he tries to do to them. They are starting to really understand and see for themselves.

I am just glad we are free, and that freedom is what you need for peace in your life.

Make a plan and make it happen. Bless you and I wish you and easy (relatively) transition.

heart hug

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Reply #53 posted 04/09/13 7:53am

prodigalfan

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paintedlady said:

prodigalfan said:

He was born and raised in the midwest... but has a lot of ways that are foreign. He is scotch irish and looks it. Found out that he had a jewish great great grand... suddenly he is now jewish, learns how to read hebrew, started going to the Temple.... smh. I did not marry a jewish man. Not that I would not... but that is not him... just another one of his "phases"

He is a very resourceful and intelligent man... Goes to extremes when he puts his mind to something.. and then just as quickly as he got into it... he gets bored and abandons it.

An abuser can be from anywhere... abuse is about control, men/women/samesex/hetero/young/old/black/white... all you need is a person who feels better by treating someone else like shit.

The trouble is that many people I know who are abused just do not know what the signs of an abuser are... they learn about it once they are actually neck deep in an abusive relationship.

I was raised by a mom who was beaten and emotionally abused by every man she got with... she thought that the personality traits of an abusive man =passionate man. So I learned what to watch out for as far as a physical abuser.

No abuser walks up to a woman and slaps her.

"Hey, Ms...can I know your name? *SLAP!* "

~NO~ an abuser is SLICK and sexy, and has that passionate vibe.

An abuser usually is a great manpulator and loves to give ALL his attention to his lover. Every moment is dedicated to his lover and then the abuser is able to get into a position of control where the abuser isolates their lover then the monster comes out. The lover lives in fear and employs survival tactics with their abuser in order to survive.

Some people do not understand that, they blame victims of abuse... unless you know the tell tale signs of an abuser beforehand, it is easy to be mislead. Heck, sometimes many victims of abuse tend to followin the same pattern if they don't know any better.

I was never physically abused, but I was with a man who would have if I let him. The only thing that stopped him from beating me is him knowing that I would ABSOLUTELY and IMMEDIATELY call the police and have his ass thrown in jail if I saw him ball up his fists and nostrils flare when speaking to me. He knew that... and that was the ONLY thing that kept him from hitting me, because he knew he wouldn't get away with it. Told him so, and had a few friends who were police.

That asshole knew Karate/Jujitsu and would disrobe me and lay on me, under the guise of foreplay... to stroke my chest, ribcage, neck for what he called "pressure points" to hit... I thought he was joking at first until I realized if he hit me once, or got close enough I would be in great peril. He literally was scanning my body for weak points to hit in order to hurt me, and then doing it in a "romantic" way before he would go down on me... fucker.

He still emotionally abused me, he was VERY romantic and would surprise me often with gifts, flowers, perfumes, shoes.... only to demand things of me. I had a dress code, no friends, would complain if I spent time alone with my family and would play on my guilt if I spent too much time around the children. What he wanted he got. He was good at going down on me... and if I had a complaint, he would give me oral sex and tell me to forget it. He would always make me feel guilty for having a life. He would never celebrate me and didn't want me to work (I still did) and would complain about how I always made him feel un-loved.

It was gradual and slow... but he eventually would gain FULL control of my life, and I adored him. He even slept with my sister and I still felt afraid to confront him. I didn't want to lose my excellent lover. I still confronted him, but he only called me crazy and denied it... so did my sister even though they would crack jokes at my expense, giggle and smile at each other, and behave as if they were sharing a secret... that and I caught them taking a shower together. At the time we all lived together temporarily ,she was in the midst of a divorce, and I also lost my apartment and we all had to move in with my mom for a year. I didn't break up with him and decided to believe his lies... I couldn't bear to break up with my lover and I was pregnant at the time.

I no longer want him at all, and he often comes by to beg me back... I found myself again... took years. I have peace now and I am happy. I joined the org one year after I left him. I lost everything and had to rebuild... and found happiness in the process, I don't miss his manipulative ways (excellent sex/guilt trips) at all. Not even one little bit.

I now look at my sister and just smile. She is my forever reminder of why I will never want his nasty ass again. lol

I have 2 kids with that asshole... and we are happy he is not in our lives. He tries to hurt our children emotionally any chance he gets. So I always one way or another have to console them... as they age they get better at not being hurt by him.

The last visit that asshole tried to "tickle" our daughter in her room with the door closed.

I bust in there and got him out... told he he only shows up twice a year to see his kids and has no business in the her room door closed and trying to wrestle her on her bed.

pissed

Had my machete in my hand... he left her room... now he isn't allowed to enter the house or be alone with our daughter. Taught my girl about inappropriate touching and warned her against her own father.

disbelief

She's OK. But I have to be diligent with her father, he will hurt our kids any way psooible. I am just glad they are beginning to understand. They are happy and still show him respect and do not personalize the shit he tries to do to them. They are starting to really understand and see for themselves.

I am just glad we are free, and that freedom is what you need for peace in your life.

Make a plan and make it happen. Bless you and I wish you and easy (relatively) transition.

heart hug

paintedlady I look to you with admiration, respect and hope. You have always been so poised and knowledgable here on the org... I would have never thought you had gone through what you described. I just now realize that being abused is not my fault... not something that I deserved cause I picked this man. I was deceived... like many other people get deceived. Like you said, I really didn't recognize the signs until I was in deep. I just thought it was a sign that he loved me and would take care of me.

Boy oh boy... I really need to get into counseling. So hard to find one... I guess they are so busy.

(Back to calling clinics to look for a counselor)

Thanks for your post. very encouraging and insightful. :hugs:

"Remember, one man's filler is another man's killer" -- Haystack
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Reply #54 posted 04/09/13 8:11am

paintedlady

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hug

I only know what I know because I lived through some crap.

Never blame yourself... no one ever orders Asshole on the "love menu".

"Yes, I want to order the abusive fucker... with a heavy sideorder of fear please... I want to wash it down with of lots low self-esteem and a nice restraint order to finish for dessert please."

I know its not funny, but laughter is my source of medicine. It took the edge off my pain and helped me push forward.

We all make bad choices sometimes... its how we learn from them that makes us strong.

Do not worry, just get angry and use that anger in a positive way to give you the gumption to set a plan in order to get away.

Outside Massachusetts:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

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Reply #55 posted 04/09/13 3:37pm

Beautifulstarr
123

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paintedlady said:

An abuser can be from anywhere...

I know that. I just wanted to see if he was one of those people that marry for a green card, but since she's made it clear he's not foreign, then I know that's not the issue.

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Reply #56 posted 04/09/13 4:00pm

paintedlady

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Beautifulstarr123 said:

paintedlady said:

I know that. I just wanted to see if he was one of those people that marry for a green card, but since she's made it clear he's not foreign, then I know that's not the issue.

Yeah, its sad when that happens too.

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Reply #57 posted 04/09/13 4:08pm

Beautifulstarr
123

avatar

prodigalfan said:

Beautifulstarr123 said:

If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet your husband, and when did he suddenly lose his mind?

As for your friend, I hope he's not eloping for the wrong reasons, considering he's newly divorced as well, because both of you needed time and space, not each other's emotional baggage. Just my thoughts.

wow, now there's a story... I met my husband on the internet in a chat room .... does anyone remember Prodigy???

He always was a difficult person with anger management issues... but never directed toward me. I guess because I was just so happy to have met someone who loved and wanted to marry me that I just went along with what ever he wanted. Our problems began after we had our daughter.... there were some things that I didn't want to go along with.

I believe now that he was always different, eccentric..... yes crazy. It has gotten much worst as he gets older. and now his hostility is directed at me because there is no one else in his life but me and our daughter... His family he keeps at a distance... and no friends are around from his younger years.. and he has no new friends. WE didn't have any friends or any visitors other than family for 16 of our 17 years of marriage... except the occasional friend of his from high school that came around when someone from high school died etc. I'm from another state so I really didn't know anyone from this area except the people I work with. So I was isolated right away.... his family, his friends....

It appears that the signs were there all along, but at least you're getting the help you need, finally nod

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Reply #58 posted 04/09/13 4:10pm

Beautifulstarr
123

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paintedlady said:

Beautifulstarr123 said:

I know that. I just wanted to see if he was one of those people that marry for a green card, but since she's made it clear he's not foreign, then I know that's not the issue.

Yeah, its sad when that happens too.

True, unfortunately nod

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Reply #59 posted 04/11/13 9:05am

dJJ

Beautifulstarr123 said:

prodigalfan said:

wow, now there's a story... I met my husband on the internet in a chat room .... does anyone remember Prodigy???

He always was a difficult person with anger management issues... but never directed toward me. I guess because I was just so happy to have met someone who loved and wanted to marry me that I just went along with what ever he wanted. Our problems began after we had our daughter.... there were some things that I didn't want to go along with.

I believe now that he was always different, eccentric..... yes crazy. It has gotten much worst as he gets older. and now his hostility is directed at me because there is no one else in his life but me and our daughter... His family he keeps at a distance... and no friends are around from his younger years.. and he has no new friends. WE didn't have any friends or any visitors other than family for 16 of our 17 years of marriage... except the occasional friend of his from high school that came around when someone from high school died etc. I'm from another state so I really didn't know anyone from this area except the people I work with. So I was isolated right away.... his family, his friends....

It appears that the signs were there all along, but at least you're getting the help you need, finally nod

NO.

Thank you for writing this, because I really think it's time for a general swift of angle towards psychlogical abusive partners and their victims.

Podigalfan: be vey selective when you get a counselor. There are very few who understand psychologica abuse. They tend to assume it's a certain kind of women that "choose" an abusive partner.

The abuser will pick strong women. Because he can get the most out of that.

Than he will mislead that women, in order to get her.

So, there are no easy signs to recognize him. He will be a cameleon, adapting a persona that she will love.

And when he's got he in, only then he slowly will start to weaken her.

- Highlight her shortcomings and downplay her successes. SLowly make her belief she is wortless.

Result: She will feel she is no good, so will not hold a good job. She will retract herself from the workplace. Sometimes even gets fired. She will become dependant of him. She will belief she needs him, because she's no good herself. She will not leave him.

- Team up with friends/family making fun of her. Family/friends perceive it as innocently joking around. But for the abuser it's a method to slowly make her feel unsave among her friends. And he will make sure she will become the one who everybody jokes about. Making her the weak one in her circle of friends/family.

Result: She will get isolated, friends will not belief her stories, they will think he's fun and he can't be as evil as she says. In the end they will belief him that she is just a hysterical woman who should be apreciative that he wants her. She will not have a circle of friends/family to help her to get out of the relationship or house. They will unknowingly participate in the abuse.

If you want to get out; you also need to detach yourself from these people. Maybe later in life you can reconnect.

- He will make her feel guilty about not taking care of him enough. She will become so afraid that she's greedy. He will convince her that she's not wearth of the stuff she wants. She will spend all her money and the family income on him. And even than she will feel guilty. After a while, she will have no savings of her own anymore. She will be paying all the bills. She also enabled him to buy a car, motor, fancy clothes etc.

Result: She looks like a nerd and he looks good. People think that he's the one with the biggest income, because he looks like that. She will not have any financial recources anymore for herself. So, she can't leave him. He will convince her that she's too poor to be without her.

These things sound crazy that you would 'let this happen' when you read it like this.

But, it really is not.

99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%.
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Forums > General Discussion > Feeling really sad-- need some support and advice