LionsAndTigers said:

GoldDolphin said:

Was it more of a platonic relationship than a loving one? Because I can't understand how one can be friends with an ex, (at least one that you potentially saw as a life partner xD).

Nope. We were very loving and passionate, even at the end. It just didn't work anymore. We were both becoming unhappy, so right now I can say that breaking up was the best decision we could've made at that time. We didn't talk for a short while, but we were able to form a good friendship after everything happened. It's probably because neither of us wants to be with the other Believe me..I never thought I'd be able to be such good friends with an ex, but it happened

Oh okay, I understand that. So it was no hard feelings after the relationship ended then? That's very interesting though, because I've had an ex who I was kinda on friendly terms with, when it ended but after awhile it just felt strange talking to that person because you knew each other very well and it didn't quite feel like a friendship. I dont know

GoldDolphin said:

Serious said:

I know it isn't easy and it might not always work, but I find it incredibly sad if somebody does not want to stay friends with somebody who he/she saw as a life partner.

[Edited 1/29/13 10:51am]

Yes it's very sad, but I don't see a reason to be friends with a person you secretly wouldn't want to see with anyone else, because after all you saw them as a life partner? It's interesting tho, I'm learning more about his every day.

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

Serious said:

GoldDolphin said:

Yes it's very sad, but I don't see a reason to be friends with a person you secretly wouldn't want to see with anyone else, because after all you saw them as a life partner? It's interesting tho, I'm learning more about his every day.

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

Only because you haven't been betrayed/hurt/abused by that person.

You should be able to trust and respect a friend. When a relationship ends with a lack of trust and a lack of respect, then not even friendship is possible.

PurpleJedi said:

Serious said:

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

Only because you haven't been betrayed/hurt/abused by that person.

You should be able to trust and respect a friend. When a relationship ends with a lack of trust and a lack of respect, then not even friendship is possible.

Everybody reacts in a different way to being hurt I guess. I have been incredibly hurt and I do feel betrayed. But there is not one friend or family member who I'd trust or respect 100%, everybody has positive and negative sides. In fact the break-ups I went through in my life clearly showed me that you can't trust nobody in life anyway. So I try to overlook the lack of trust and the hurt feelings, when I truly care for somebody.

But I totaly understand why you feel the way you do and why you don't want to to stay friends

PurpleJedi said:

Serious said:

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

Only because you haven't been betrayed/hurt/abused by that person.

You should be able to trust and respect a friend. When a relationship ends with a lack of trust and a lack of respect, then not even friendship is possible.

You don't think that one can move on and be friends with or still be close to someone that has betrayed/hurt/abused them?

Well, I'm living proof that you can.

she was passionate in bed

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

Only because you haven't been betrayed/hurt/abused by that person.

You should be able to trust and respect a friend. When a relationship ends with a lack of trust and a lack of respect, then not even friendship is possible.

You don't think that one can move on and be friends with or still be close to someone that has betrayed/hurt/abused them?

Well, I'm living proof that you can.

No, I can't see how that's possible. I'd be interested in getting your personal experience (via orgnote if you prefer) because I just can't wrap my head around that.

I have friends. A good assortment of them. All of them are people who I trust and respect. People who are there for me in good times and in bad, and vice versa. People who aren't looking to get anything out of me, and vice versa. Anyone else is just an acquaintance.

I am on good terms with my ex. We are polite to one another. Even breaking up we only really had a handful of nasty shouting matches. But she is someone whose word is no longer worth much and there is no mutual respect. That is not friendship material.

Did you regain a sense of trust and respect with your ex? Do you consider him someone that you can turn to for help and support, no strings attached? Did it take a long period of time to regain this friendship? I'm curious and intrigued.

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

You don't think that one can move on and be friends with or still be close to someone that has betrayed/hurt/abused them?

Well, I'm living proof that you can.

No, I can't see how that's possible. I'd be interested in getting your personal experience (via orgnote if you prefer) because I just can't wrap my head around that.

I have friends. A good assortment of them. All of them are people who I trust and respect. People who are there for me in good times and in bad, and vice versa. People who aren't looking to get anything out of me, and vice versa. Anyone else is just an acquaintance.

I am on good terms with my ex. We are polite to one another. Even breaking up we only really had a handful of nasty shouting matches. But she is someone whose word is no longer worth much and there is no mutual respect. That is not friendship material.

Did you regain a sense of trust and respect with your ex? Do you consider him someone that you can turn to for help and support, no strings attached? Did it take a long period of time to regain this friendship? I'm curious and intrigued.

I was raped, I forgave and I have very personal and (I feel) legitimate reasons for forgiving him.

So it's not like I was just hurt by being lied to or cheated on or left for someone else or anything like that.

I do consider him someone that I can turn to for support and I do.

Did it take a long time to reconnect? A couple of years but that's really only because he moved away and I ended up with someone else that I had my son with.

Just because it's not possible for you does not mean it's just not possible.

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

No, I can't see how that's possible. I'd be interested in getting your personal experience (via orgnote if you prefer) because I just can't wrap my head around that.

I have friends. A good assortment of them. All of them are people who I trust and respect. People who are there for me in good times and in bad, and vice versa. People who aren't looking to get anything out of me, and vice versa. Anyone else is just an acquaintance.

I am on good terms with my ex. We are polite to one another. Even breaking up we only really had a handful of nasty shouting matches. But she is someone whose word is no longer worth much and there is no mutual respect. That is not friendship material.

Did you regain a sense of trust and respect with your ex? Do you consider him someone that you can turn to for help and support, no strings attached? Did it take a long period of time to regain this friendship? I'm curious and intrigued.

I was raped, I forgave and I have very personal and (I feel) legitimate reasons for forgiving him.

So it's not like I was just hurt by being lied to or cheated on or left for someone else or anything like that.

I do consider him someone that I can turn to for support and I do.

Did it take a long time to reconnect? A couple of years but that's really only because he moved away and I ended up with someone else that I had my son with.

Just because it's not possible for you does not mean it's just not possible.

You are a strong person then.

I suppose the ability to regain that sense of trust is the key.

I'm a guy, and believe you me, I can forgive cheating. Sex is a physical act.

The scheming and lies...that's a different story. Like I said before...to me, trust and respect are important qualities in a friend. The majority of the breakups that I am privy to (family & friends) have resulted in situations where one or both people lose those qualities. The hurt passes. The feelings wane. But to reclaim those qualities is a different story. I have ONE set of friends who are still "friends" after the breakup...and I suspect that's due to; a) his guilt, and b) her hope that they can get back together.

Two mature adults who wish to end a relationship do so. There may be tears, there may be fighting...but at the end of the day you move on. When one (or both) are scheming and acting in a way that betrays the trust and destroys the respect that should be there for someone that you allegedly "care" for...then there is nothing.

So I guess I'll ammend my statement to say that so long as you have & maintain trust and respect with your ex, it is possible to stay friends with your ex.

Fair enough?

Serious said:

GoldDolphin said:

Yes it's very sad, but I don't see a reason to be friends with a person you secretly wouldn't want to see with anyone else, because after all you saw them as a life partner? It's interesting tho, I'm learning more about his every day.

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

I guess lol. But do you have a lot of communication with this person?

GoldDolphin said:

Serious said:

I am not hiding that fact . It's just that when somebody means a lot to me I'd prefer to still have him in my life at least as a friend.

I guess lol. But do you have a lot of communication with this person?

I am trying to save the friendship with my 2 exes and I try to have as much as communication with them as possible which ain't easy for different reasons.

I've been reading the comments with interest...
What started out as a joke in my mind (thus my original answers), has made me think...

I am friends with a few of my exes.

I don't hang out with them or anything like that, but we occasionally talk on the phone or exchange pleasantries if we run into each other:

• One lives in another state; he cheated on me "backinthaday" and married the person he got pregnant and moved away. After 5 kids (and now one grandchild), they are divorced. When he first reached out to me, I was bitter, but now we talk on a fairly regular basis... After all these years, we can still talk and laugh and share.
• Another lives near me, so if one of us happens to be outside, the other will stop and we'll shoot the breeze. He even shared that he is planning on marrying the woman he is dating now. He and I have a very nice, friendly relationship.
• Another one hit me up on FB, and we talk every once in a while. No problem...
• There is one who just turned out to be a better friend than boyfriend. We're very cool...

NOW...

The two I named in my original message fall into that category PurpleJedi was talking about:

• K: I was engaged to him, and if I had gone through with the marriage, I'd be typing about my divorce. Talk about dodging a bullet! I have no desire to ever see him again...
• S: Hurt me very badly. The funny thing is that we started out as friends. Dating brought out the ugly in both of us. He lied, used me, and treated me like absolute trash. He also said very cruel things about me, that caused people to terminate friendships with me. Although I own up to the idea that a lot of what he did to me, I LET happen, I harbor nothing but bitterness and resentment toward him. The last time I saw him, he and I ended up cursing each other out... There is no civility between us.

I do not respect or trust either one of them. I cannot ever consider them friends, because their actions toward me showed me that they were never really my "friends" to begin with.

One of my friends posed this on FB last night...

[img:$uid]http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l256/Teacher_06/530663_155584014595756_742782599_n_zpse8e3f504.jpg[/img:$uid]

chocolate1 said:

One of my friends posed this on FB last night...

[img:$uid]http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l256/Teacher_06/530663_155584014595756_742782599_n_zpse8e3f504.jpg[/img:$uid]

chocolate1 said:

I've been reading the comments with interest...
What started out as a joke in my mind (thus my original answers), has made me think...

I am friends with a few of my exes.

I don't hang out with them or anything like that, but we occasionally talk on the phone or exchange pleasantries if we run into each other:

• One lives in another state; he cheated on me "backinthaday" and married the person he got pregnant and moved away. After 5 kids (and now one grandchild), they are divorced. When he first reached out to me, I was bitter, but now we talk on a fairly regular basis... After all these years, we can still talk and laugh and share.
• Another lives near me, so if one of us happens to be outside, the other will stop and we'll shoot the breeze. He even shared that he is planning on marrying the woman he is dating now. He and I have a very nice, friendly relationship.
• Another one hit me up on FB, and we talk every once in a while. No problem...
• There is one who just turned out to be a better friend than boyfriend. We're very cool...

NOW...

The two I named in my original message fall into that category PurpleJedi was talking about:

• K: I was engaged to him, and if I had gone through with the marriage, I'd be typing about my divorce. Talk about dodging a bullet! I have no desire to ever see him again...
• S: Hurt me very badly. The funny thing is that we started out as friends. Dating brought out the ugly in both of us. He lied, used me, and treated me like absolute trash. He also said very cruel things about me, that caused people to terminate friendships with me. Although I own up to the idea that a lot of what he did to me, I LET happen, I harbor nothing but bitterness and resentment toward him. The last time I saw him, he and I ended up cursing each other out... There is no civility between us.

I do not respect or trust either one of them. I cannot ever consider them friends, because their actions toward me showed me that they were never really my "friends" to begin with.

Don't blame yourself to much. It's not a bad thing that you trusted him and believed his lies. Or went along with his manipulative behaviour, because you probably assumed he had a consciouss. Now you know that he has no soul, and just thinks about his own gains.

It's not a bad thing you did not know he was bad.

I'm good friends with 2 exes, having a nice friendly relation with most, and only have beef with one.

He treated me very bad. Deliberitely.

Fortunately the judge on our divorce settlement (and again at the appeal) agreed with me.

I really don't care about him anymore. It was a hard struggle to get him out of my life and I had to loose many friends, but I'm good now.

It's sad to see he's doing the same thing with his new girlfriend again. She had a good life and had everything she wished for. Then he came along. Now, two years later, she looks horrible and is constantly unhappy. And ofcourse my ex blames her and me for all his grief.

Poor girl, he has her down, as he had me down. I just hope that his manipulative and evil tricks don't work anymore.

I learned to be very careful when somebody is saying all the right things. He doesn't mean it, he just wants you to love him. So, he can strike and own you!

dJJ said:

I'm good friends with 2 exes, having a nice friendly relation with most, and only have beef with one.

He treated me very bad. Deliberitely.

Fortunately the judge on our divorce settlement (and again at the appeal) agreed with me.

I really don't care about him anymore. It was a hard struggle to get him out of my life and I had to loose many friends, but I'm good now.

It's sad to see he's doing the same thing with his new girlfriend again. She had a good life and had everything she wished for. Then he came along. Now, two years later, she looks horrible and is constantly unhappy. And ofcourse my ex blames her and me for all his grief.

Poor girl, he has her down, as he had me down. I just hope that his manipulative and evil tricks don't work anymore.

I learned to be very careful when somebody is saying all the right things. He doesn't mean it, he just wants you to love him. So, he can strike and own you!

Don't think like that DJJ. Manipulative people abound (my ex's sister is in a relationship similar to what you described...he has a track record for leaving women sucked dry emotionally & financially but at the moment he's giving her what she thinks she wants so her misery is everyone ELSE'S fault)...but rest assured there's plenty of genuinely good guys out there who are going to be HONEST with you and aren't looking to own you or BE owned themselves. Ownership does not equal a relationship...it's something else entirely.

Serious said:

GoldDolphin said:

I guess lol. But do you have a lot of communication with this person?

I am trying to save the friendship with my 2 exes and I try to have as much as communication with them as possible which ain't easy for different reasons.

Why do you feel it's important for you to invest time to become friends with your exes ? Have they also invested time in you to become friends again ?

I have absolutely no interest in establishing any lasting relationship with any of my exes in any meaningful way , though a couple are on facebook and I've added 1, but we're so far apart now in our experiences that it's really just polite hellos. I think we don't mind each other because after we split, we didn't pee in each other's sandboxes so to speak.

I recently saw a youtube of Cher at Sonny's funeral (I know that is completely gay), and I was awestruck that she appeared still completely in love with him on some level. I find it interesting, even enviable on some level, but that could never be me. When I fall out of love, I do so on every concievable level, including just liking the person as a friend. And, this isn't a sign of me not having ever been in love. I was in an on again off again relationship for nearly 6 years where at points I was deeply in love--I mean, not eating, completely infactuated, preoccupied, etc. But, when it's over it's over.

I also don't think forgiving an ex who did you wrong is all that interesting to me. I have no interest in forgiving nor being forgiven. It's an awfully big ocean, and we *Can* avoid each other until our dying days, and that's fine with me. For those who will always on some level love their exes, that's fine--I'm just not that type of person, and see no personal benefit in it. Hell, I won't even give good lip services to some of my exes. We're exes for a reason.

The most that can be said, is that I've learned from a few of my exes. One of my exes had an amazing ability to ask for whatever she wanted withouth care of how that made her look. It came off as pushy, but I've adopted *some* of that and it's helped me in many situations. In that regard, I admire that mess of a woman.

GoldDolphin said:

Serious said:

I am trying to save the friendship with my 2 exes and I try to have as much as communication with them as possible which ain't easy for different reasons.

Why do you feel it's important for you to invest time to become friends with your exes ? Have they also invested time in you to become friends again ?

..

[Edited 2/1/13 11:18am]

PurpleJedi said:

dJJ said:

I'm good friends with 2 exes, having a nice friendly relation with most, and only have beef with one.

He treated me very bad. Deliberitely.

Fortunately the judge on our divorce settlement (and again at the appeal) agreed with me.

I really don't care about him anymore. It was a hard struggle to get him out of my life and I had to loose many friends, but I'm good now.

It's sad to see he's doing the same thing with his new girlfriend again. She had a good life and had everything she wished for. Then he came along. Now, two years later, she looks horrible and is constantly unhappy. And ofcourse my ex blames her and me for all his grief.

Poor girl, he has her down, as he had me down. I just hope that his manipulative and evil tricks don't work anymore.

I learned to be very careful when somebody is saying all the right things. He doesn't mean it, he just wants you to love him. So, he can strike and own you!

Don't think like that DJJ. Manipulative people abound (my ex's sister is in a relationship similar to what you described...he has a track record for leaving women sucked dry emotionally & financially but at the moment he's giving her what she thinks she wants so her misery is everyone ELSE'S fault)...but rest assured there's plenty of genuinely good guys out there who are going to be HONEST with you and aren't looking to own you or BE owned themselves. Ownership does not equal a relationship...it's something else entirely.

Oh, but I still do trust people. Don't worry about that.

It's just that I'm very alert to signs of narcisists and anti-social pd. And these kind of guys tend to sway you off your feet, tell you everything you want to hear.

So, when a guy is very charming, and not forthcoming about his non-fortes, I'm careful.

Another very good sign is that when you ask why prior relations didn't work, the answer is about what was wrong with ex. The man who's anwer suggest he actually contempleted on his own behaviour and part, is a rare species.

dJJ said:

PurpleJedi said:

Don't think like that DJJ. Manipulative people abound (my ex's sister is in a relationship similar to what you described...he has a track record for leaving women sucked dry emotionally & financially but at the moment he's giving her what she thinks she wants so her misery is everyone ELSE'S fault)...but rest assured there's plenty of genuinely good guys out there who are going to be HONEST with you and aren't looking to own you or BE owned themselves. Ownership does not equal a relationship...it's something else entirely.

Oh, but I still do trust people. Don't worry about that.

It's just that I'm very alert to signs of narcisists and anti-social pd. And these kind of guys tend to sway you off your feet, tell you everything you want to hear.

So, when a guy is very charming, and not forthcoming about his non-fortes, I'm careful.

Another very good sign is that when you ask why prior relations didn't work, the answer is about what was wrong with ex. The man who's anwer suggest he actually contempleted on his own behaviour and part, is a rare species.

imago said:

I have absolutely no interest in establishing any lasting relationship with any of my exes in any meaningful way , though a couple are on facebook and I've added 1, but we're so far apart now in our experiences that it's really just polite hellos. I think we don't mind each other because after we split, we didn't pee in each other's sandboxes so to speak.

I recently saw a youtube of Cher at Sonny's funeral (I know that is completely gay), and I was awestruck that she appeared still completely in love with him on some level. I find it interesting, even enviable on some level, but that could never be me. When I fall out of love, I do so on every concievable level, including just liking the person as a friend. And, this isn't a sign of me not having ever been in love. I was in an on again off again relationship for nearly 6 years where at points I was deeply in love--I mean, not eating, completely infactuated, preoccupied, etc. But, when it's over it's over.

I also don't think forgiving an ex who did you wrong is all that interesting to me. I have no interest in forgiving nor being forgiven. It's an awfully big ocean, and we *Can* avoid each other until our dying days, and that's fine with me. For those who will always on some level love their exes, that's fine--I'm just not that type of person, and see no personal benefit in it. Hell, I won't even give good lip services to some of my exes. We're exes for a reason.

The most that can be said, is that I've learned from a few of my exes. One of my exes had an amazing ability to ask for whatever she wanted withouth care of how that made her look. It came off as pushy, but I've adopted *some* of that and it's helped me in many situations. In that regard, I admire that mess of a woman.

Just because you end a relationship doesn't mean you have to stop loving the person. I mean you can still not stand the person and they can still make you want to hurl, but if you loved them once, shouldn't you always love them? Loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 different things. Just like stalking and dating someone, but you might not get the last comparison.

kewlschool said:

imago said:

I have absolutely no interest in establishing any lasting relationship with any of my exes in any meaningful way , though a couple are on facebook and I've added 1, but we're so far apart now in our experiences that it's really just polite hellos. I think we don't mind each other because after we split, we didn't pee in each other's sandboxes so to speak.

I recently saw a youtube of Cher at Sonny's funeral (I know that is completely gay), and I was awestruck that she appeared still completely in love with him on some level. I find it interesting, even enviable on some level, but that could never be me. When I fall out of love, I do so on every concievable level, including just liking the person as a friend. And, this isn't a sign of me not having ever been in love. I was in an on again off again relationship for nearly 6 years where at points I was deeply in love--I mean, not eating, completely infactuated, preoccupied, etc. But, when it's over it's over.

I also don't think forgiving an ex who did you wrong is all that interesting to me. I have no interest in forgiving nor being forgiven. It's an awfully big ocean, and we *Can* avoid each other until our dying days, and that's fine with me. For those who will always on some level love their exes, that's fine--I'm just not that type of person, and see no personal benefit in it. Hell, I won't even give good lip services to some of my exes. We're exes for a reason.

The most that can be said, is that I've learned from a few of my exes. One of my exes had an amazing ability to ask for whatever she wanted withouth care of how that made her look. It came off as pushy, but I've adopted *some* of that and it's helped me in many situations. In that regard, I admire that mess of a woman.

Just because you end a relationship doesn't mean you have to stop loving the person. I mean you can still not stand the person and they can still make you want to hurl, but if you loved them once, shouldn't you always love them? Loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 different things. Just like stalking and dating someone, but you might not get the last comparison.

Yeah that's how I feel.

kewlschool said:

imago said:

I have absolutely no interest in establishing any lasting relationship with any of my exes in any meaningful way , though a couple are on facebook and I've added 1, but we're so far apart now in our experiences that it's really just polite hellos. I think we don't mind each other because after we split, we didn't pee in each other's sandboxes so to speak.

I recently saw a youtube of Cher at Sonny's funeral (I know that is completely gay), and I was awestruck that she appeared still completely in love with him on some level. I find it interesting, even enviable on some level, but that could never be me. When I fall out of love, I do so on every concievable level, including just liking the person as a friend. And, this isn't a sign of me not having ever been in love. I was in an on again off again relationship for nearly 6 years where at points I was deeply in love--I mean, not eating, completely infactuated, preoccupied, etc. But, when it's over it's over.

I also don't think forgiving an ex who did you wrong is all that interesting to me. I have no interest in forgiving nor being forgiven. It's an awfully big ocean, and we *Can* avoid each other until our dying days, and that's fine with me. For those who will always on some level love their exes, that's fine--I'm just not that type of person, and see no personal benefit in it. Hell, I won't even give good lip services to some of my exes. We're exes for a reason.

The most that can be said, is that I've learned from a few of my exes. One of my exes had an amazing ability to ask for whatever she wanted withouth care of how that made her look. It came off as pushy, but I've adopted *some* of that and it's helped me in many situations. In that regard, I admire that mess of a woman.

Just because you end a relationship doesn't mean you have to stop loving the person. I mean you can still not stand the person and they can still make you want to hurl, but if you loved them once, shouldn't you always love them? Loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 different things. Just like stalking and dating someone, but you might not get the last comparison.

Nope. Not for me.

Once it's over, all emotional feelings for them are gone.

Some admiration maybe is left, or (most of the time) a lot of annoyance or "what the fuck was I thinking" thoughts when I think of them. But no love.

One of my exes is in a serious relationship (possible marriage), I'm told, and news of it only mildly amused me because of who she was marrying (a mutual friend of ours). Another, is a closeted gay guy married to a woman with 2 children---When I found out, it disturbed me, but not because I wanted him in my life, but because I felt sorry for the woman.

I get where other people feel they love someone forever, but that's just not me.

Once I fall out of love, I fall completely out of love in every way, from "in love" to just "loving" the person as a friend or fellow human being. Like I said, the ocean is huge.

When is too many EX's a red flag?I don't care who you been with in the past.

If a girl is 20 and had 20 exes.Is that too much? 40 year old with 200 exes

36 exes-Good girl

37 exes-Fucking slut

I'm 42 with ONE ex

ZombieKitten said:

I'm 42 with ONE ex

Extremely good girl

36 Dicks is breaking point for this guy

iaminparties said:

ZombieKitten said:

I'm 42 with ONE ex

Extremely good girl

or I just haven't broken up with the last 5 just yet