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Being cheated on So here's my story. 3.5 years ago my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of his. He had planned it in advance so that they could meet up literally the day after I flew to Texas. So while I was having a crappy vacation in Texas with my family, he was cheating on me. It was actually the Sunday that MPLSound came out because I went to Target while I was in Texas to buy us both a copy. Little did I know what was going on at the time...
I only found out because the tone/pitch/inflections of his voice were different. I have a gift for noticing/reading the subtleties of speech!! I can always detect a lie.
Anyway, fast forward to today and we are still together. I am no longer angry or upset at all actually. But I feel like I'm a different person now, like my personality died when I found out he cheated. The cheating wasn't the worst part...it was watching him lie to me over and over until he finally admitted what happened. I'm very trustworthy and surround myself with people like that, so I think I was tramautized by being taken advantage of. That was literally the first time in my life I felt like someone had gotten the best of me.
I struggle with feeling happy at all. I can laugh at a funny movie or smile when I'm hearing music I love, but I have no inner happiness. I'm not miserable either...just kinda nothing inside. I told him I felt like my soul diminished and it has never recovered.
Can anyone relate? Maybe I'm just struggling with depression? I feel like this incident changed me and I don't know what to do. To reiterate, I'm completely over the anger and resentment. "Keep in mind that I'm an artist...and I'm sensitive about my shit."--E. Badu | |
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Chalk it up 2 a lesson learned. | |
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Do you think it's possible that, instead of being over the anger and resentment, they have just been shoved down so far that they are strangling your happiness?
Would you consider leaving him if a therapist advised you that you might not find your happiness as long as you stay with the person who made a fool of you?
Don't spend the rest of your life in a gray imitation of feeling. | |
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This. I will forever love and miss you...my sweet Prince. | |
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^^^
If you were emotionally invested in that person, the break of trust is far worse.
I'm still dealing with that crap almost 2 years later. It probably never goes away, but you can't just shove it deep inside and pretend it doesn't exist. Be true to your emotions. Deal with the anger and resentment. Have you discussed the "why's" yet? There's always a "why" it happened. Alot of times it's because of things you've BOTH done...actively or not.
But like Erin said...don't live your life behind that veil.
By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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I second this.
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I could not have said it better.
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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If he cheated on you, lied about it, hasn't earned your trust back, and is sucking the happiness out of your life, why are you still with him?
That's the question I'd ask myself. | |
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Thank you all for your honest comments! It's making me feel a little better.
I guess it is possible that I still have some resentment about being deceived because I don't deceive people. I've always been honest and blunt to a fault. I was very emotionally invested in him and I still am which is why I was so hurt. We have discussed the why's and he had some valid points about ME that I needed to address. But still, he should have dumped me and then went to the other guy instead of cheating.
I am still with him because he's actually a really great person. He doesn't yell or call me names, we don't fight except for bickering occassionally, we have the same interests. He is very thoughful and does a lot of nice things for people, all the time. The cheating incident was completely out of character for him. It's like finding out that Santa Clause cheated on Mrs. Clause or something.
I think it triggered some sort of depression in me because I was in such shock and feeling so insecure. I am not comparing my situation to rape at all, but some women's personalities are never the same after they have been raped. Even if they move on and have a great life...they are different people somehow. I feel like that.
This statement is so poetic and astute that it stopped me in my tracks:
Don't spend the rest of your life in a gray imitation of feeling.
Erin, do you think it is possible for a relationship to heal and prosper after an incident of cheating? "Keep in mind that I'm an artist...and I'm sensitive about my shit."--E. Badu | |
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And I DO trust him that it won't happen again. He has been very remorseful and feels a lot of guilt for what he did and he has expressed that. I can see it on his face and I believe him. We were together for 4 years before the incident and 3.5 years since.
Actually, I do trust him again and we have fun together. He's nothing but nice to me 99% of the time. This incident is really the only bad thing that he has ever done to me. I wouldn't say that he sucks the happiness out of me but that I struggle to find happiness in anything, even when I am alone.
I suffered from depression as a child and I kinda feel like I'm in that same lane again. "Keep in mind that I'm an artist...and I'm sensitive about my shit."--E. Badu | |
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OK. I doubt there's anyone here that can help you. I'd go see a therapist, clergyman, or doctor who is trained in this kind of stuff.
Good luck. I've said a prayer for you already! | |
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This is hard... So you're not happy with this man and not unhappy either. Of course it's easy to say, get away from him! But as long as you're with him, you know what you have and if you leave him, you're all on your own and you'll just have to wait and see if you'll ever find another man. Who may cheat on you again! Then again, you may live for years like this and never be truly happy or unhappy again. Are there any kids involved? I guess the real question is, do you think you'll ever be happy with him again? | |
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Once trust is broken it's not really something you can replace.
However, he wouldn't still be with you if he didn't like you unless there are financial or domestic reasons etc.
Talk to him about it, tell him how much he hurt you and ask him if he really wants to be with you or if its just convenient for him. If he seems sincere and is sorry then try to make a fresh start.
You could always try couples counselling or talking to a priest (they don't charge and usually v insightful) to get a different perspective. | |
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Therefore, this is nothing new for you. How was it handled? Did your parents seek treatment for you? | |
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Hmm.
In most cases: No.
In some cases, yes, but ONLY if both partners are willing, able and invested in healing everything that led up to the cheating, and all the feelings that it triggered. You have lifelong depression that has come and gone and come back around for you; I would think that a period of self-inquiry and unabashed self-love is in order. I have found self-help books by people like Iyanla Vanzant to be really great in terms of providing a framework to start "doing the work" of healing oneself.
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so he planned this act right down to your departure and re-arrival times....?
if it were me, i wouldn't trust him again. and his lying to you sounds pretty bad. i think i'd leave him in a hurry if i felt the way you feel. especially since you are not married.
maybe you could try separating for a while to see if you feel happier when he is not around? or try talking to a counselor about this issue.
good luck [Edited 10/12/12 9:53am] | |
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Yes, ask yourself this question. You don't need him to be whole. You can leave him and you will eventually meet someone who is worthy of you and your love.
All this time after, it's obvious you're still hurting and have been deeping affected by this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? I hope not. | |
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i would suggest that your feelings are healthy. it's easy to forgive but not so easy to forget!! i think it's great that you've given u & your partner a 2nd chance & that u are both still together speaks volumes. don't dwell on the past! live 4 the moment & good luck to u both! | |
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The fact that this is still affecting you means you are not entirely over it and maybe not now but in the future this will affect your relationship with him because there is no closure - yet.
If you want this relationship to last you need to get over the hurt and to get over the hurt you need address all the issues that are affecting you and perhaps go to see a relationship councillor
mailto:www.iDon'tThinkSo.com.Uranus | |
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PurpleJedi said ; 'It probably never goes away' - Ahhhh please don't say that! It's over three years since it happend to me & that is what worry's me! It has to go away! he already used me, deceived me, humiliated me, manipulated me, exploited me, put me down etc etc - i cant give the darkheart any more years of my life. I've worked hard at healing but he did alot of damage...MidniteMagnet i wont u to know i was traumatised by it all too. The timing didn't help because i was grieving my mum's passing at the same time that he had the affair & was suffering flashbacks etc. It was over between us the day i found out. Good luck to you,i have known couple's who have healed together,maybe u two are one of those couple's. Def think about talking to someone as others here have said. x "We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15 | |
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PurpleJedi - U don't know me, i started lurking here in jan '09. I have been thinking 4 a long time you are a beautifull man, a lovely soul and a great dad  She was a damn fool, more fool her."We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15 | |
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So if you felt that your soul was crushed and you're "not the same", why do you still put up with him? | |
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You couldn't just leave? I'm not trying to sound heartless (and believe me I'm not) but I think you're hurting yourself staying around. 
This would be my advice. Whether his cheating is what's causing the depression or lifelong depression is causing you to feel no inner happiness, only by separating for a time will you find out. And when I say 'separate' I don't mean spending that time dwelling on HIM or missing him or spending every waking moment wondering what he's doing...get out and live your life. See friends, volunteer, spend time with YOU also. Only then will you know if your soul is 'diminished' because of the dishonesty and distrust or because of a clinical reason. "Let love be your perfect weapon..." ~~Andy Biersack | |
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you've either got to get over it, or walk away! it's like you are carrying a sore. you know like when the scab begins to form over a sore so the epidermis can heal? well seems like every time you think about the pain, you are re-opening the sore. my goodness, you have not given yourself a chance to heal. healthwise to keep dwelling on the disappointment is very counter to anything productive or emotionally healthy (which can eventually affect your overall health). suggestion: maybe writing him a letter, or better yet a letter to yourself and express every emotion you feel in regard to this disappointment. you don't have to share the letter/or letters with anyone. but that is just one of many ways to begin a purge, get rid of the dross, slough it off bit by bit so you you can start healing and become whole again.
(listen, i don't have a total answer, i only know that writing out our feelings can be like a catharsis in effect.) a as far as he goes, i can only say, "i hope you will heal yourself first before you decided whether or not to bring up something so far in the past."
sometimes we can be our own best friend, however dwelling on the past and not finding a healthy way of "letting it go" can be draining and non-friendly to (you) the hurtee.
writing it out is just the beginning. sometimes when we get hurt by a loved one our courage, strength and happiness becomes muddled and weak.
[Edited 10/14/12 10:44am] “Transracial is a term that has long since been defined as the adoption of a child that is of a different race than the adoptive parents,” : https://thinkprogress.org...fb6e18544a | |
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From the 2005 film classic Fever Pitch:
"Ben, I just got so hurt.
Really hurt.
And sometimes ...
when that happens ...
something inside just shuts off."
Moral of the story - some things can't be fixed or undone, cheating is one of them. "Never let nasty stalkers disrespect you. They start shit, you finish it. Go down to their level, that's the only way they'll understand. You have to handle things yourself." | |
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IMO - and based on what others have told me - if you truly loved that that person, then it never really goes away. Not to say you won't move on, but those emotions are always there. Of course, 30 years from now they'll be dull and insignificant...but there nonetheless. By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! | |
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It sounds to me that you still have some lingering negative emotions over this incident. Have you forgiven your man for hurting you like that? More importantly, have you forgiven yourself for this incident? I'm not implying that you were responsible for your man cheating on you (far from it), but you said that you would never betray your man or any of your close friends, yet the fact that your man betrayed you probably made you feel somewhat worthless. You probably thought, "How could he have done this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?" Truth is, this was not your fault. Don't allow yourself to continue to be beaten up over this. You can't change what happened to you in the past, so let this situation go. The sooner you forgive yourself, the sooner you will be able to feel more positive emotions again.
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I don't even worry with that shit anymore. Whenever I first meet anyone, I don't even bother asking their name anymore and if they volunteer it, I simply look at their crotch and tell them their name isn't what I'm interested in. Men are whores that like variety and I'm not even going to lie and say that if I were in an actual relationship with someone, I wouldn't crave a dick from someone else also because I would. I just simply get the dick for about 20 minutes and send the motherfuckers on their way because I don't even want them around to tolerate the bullshit that comes attached to those dicks.
Andy is a four letter word. | |
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Perhaps this struggle you feel would become less of a struggle by taking responsibility and ownership of the choice you made to stay? It sounds like you are not acknowledging some real feelings.
I hope that you work your way towards freedom and peace 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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