If you mean have I ever suffered blatant, unwanted sexual come-ons, then that's only ever happened on the job at the hands of clients or customers.

If you mean in a somewhat broader sense -- like being singled out and messed around for being male -- then, yes, this has happened often at the hands of colleagues.

Lammastide said:

If you mean have I ever suffered blatant, unwanted sexual come-ons, then that's only ever happened on the job at the hands of clients or customers.

If you mean in a somewhat broader sense -- like being singled out and messed around for being male -- then, yes, this has happened often at the hands of colleagues.

Actually, now that I think about it, I did work with a number of guys on my first job who were ostensibly straight, but made endless -- endless -- uncomfortable gay come-ons to the male high school students who worked there on weekends (including me). It was really uncomfortable, but I've always thought of it more like a hazing sort of thing than earnest sexual harrassment. In retrospect, though, I don't see why it wouldn't be.

...And as I think deeper, there happened to be a fellow high school student there, who I'm pretty sure was actually gay. He once grabbed me from behind and pressed against me in a pretty darned inappropriate way. Textbook sexual harrassment, I guess... though I hardly recall it as such because I kind of found him attractive.

According to the law regarding sexual harrassment which includes all sorts of behavior from telling dirty jokes to compliments on looks and dress, I've been harrassed hundreds of times over the years. There was one man who would tell a dirty joke every time he saw me. One boss asked if he could "call me." However, I've never been outright threatened. There was a woman whom I used to work with who was being seriously harrassed by the department manager. Everyone knew his history and that he was a straight up freak, but managment kepy letting his ass slide. The poor woman was a mess. She came to me and said, "Pat, how come you never have a problem with Richard? You're so pretty and nice, how come he doesn't bother you?" I told her this. "Because Richard knows not to fuck with me. I don't play that shit, and he knows it. You, on the other hand, are new here and haven't established your reputation. If you play tiimid and meek or scared, it empowers him and make him feel like he can do or say any and every thing to you and you'll take it. You don't have to take it, and if I were you I would start documenting like a big dog. There are laws that protect you now. Go for it." Well, she took my advice and the next time he tried some foul shit, she got his ass good. He called her into his office. Before she went to the office, I told her to make sure she left the door to his office open. When she went in, he told her to look at something on his computer monitor. We she went to look, she had to stand beside him while he was behind his desk. He had his fly open and was looking at porn. She screamed, and a lady down the hall came running and saw what was going on. BINGO! She had a witness. Long story short, the girl sued, won her case, and the hospital settled in the millions. Come to find out, she had sarcoidosis that was in remission at the time she started her employment. After going through all the stress of the harrassment, she went into full-blown crisis with that disease, ended up in a wheelchair.

CarrieMpls said:

uPtoWnNY said:

Cerebus said:

Yeah, but it was a long time ago when it wasn't nearly as talked about or worrisome. I actually ended up sleeping with her, then becoming good friends with her and her husband. He never knew.

Damn, I wish that would have happened to me. The most I ever got was a pinch from a few female co-workers.

If it's welcome and reciprocated that's not "harrassment".

Yeah you're right. I enjoyed every minute of it. Too bad most of those women were married or had boyfriends.

One time one of my technicians made a lewd comment about my body and after I cussed his ass out I reported him to the service manager (who thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread). The service manager chewed him out good and he apologized.

On another job the owner of the company came up behind me one day and grabbed my boobs. I whipped around and told him that if he ever put his hands on me again, I would put my foot up his ass. He didn't fire me and he never tried me again,

I'm very easygoing and general workplace banter that's mildly suggestive doesn't bother me but somebody speaking or acting vulgar toward me one on one will get an will get told off very loudly. If they touch me inappropriately, it's on and poppin'.

Cerebus said:

Yeah, but it was a long time ago when it wasn't nearly as talked about or worrisome. I actually ended up sleeping with her, then becoming good friends with her and her husband. He never knew.

Now that I think about it when I was 19 one of my managers pinned me against the wall and rubbed her crotch to mine. It was hot and totally unexpected. No, I didn't sleep with her Cerebus! She was married and had an STD.

Well when there was some female bullying, there were a few comments like how I need more boobs or something to that effect, and when I said I'm throwing a party for my mom the coworker talked about whether strippers are coming, she wasn't even doing it to be hilarious, just to be mean or I would have laughed, and when I switched to less hours than before when I was getting myself together, I heard through the grapevine that she said I have so much free time on my hands that I probably have all the time in the world to sleep around. I don't know what brought on all those comments, but this person has an issue with my weight and brings it up often, so I had concluded it was some form of petty behaviour or jealousy, and my therapist is the one who told me it's a form of sexual harassment and it's possible she could be attracted to me but is homophobic and can't admit it, I don't want to believe the last one though, cause she has nothing to be jealous about and even though she does weird things I think she does her job well most of the time.

Shyra said:

According to the law regarding sexual harrassment which includes all sorts of behavior from telling dirty jokes to compliments on looks and dress, I've been harrassed hundreds of times over the years. There was one man who would tell a dirty joke every time he saw me. One boss asked if he could "call me." However, I've never been outright threatened. There was a woman whom I used to work with who was being seriously harrassed by the department manager. Everyone knew his history and that he was a straight up freak, but managment kepy letting his ass slide. The poor woman was a mess. She came to me and said, "Pat, how come you never have a problem with Richard? You're so pretty and nice, how come he doesn't bother you?" I told her this. "Because Richard knows not to fuck with me. I don't play that shit, and he knows it. You, on the other hand, are new here and haven't established your reputation. If you play tiimid and meek or scared, it empowers him and make him feel like he can do or say any and every thing to you and you'll take it. You don't have to take it, and if I were you I would start documenting like a big dog. There are laws that protect you now. Go for it." Well, she took my advice and the next time he tried some foul shit, she got his ass good. He called her into his office. Before she went to the office, I told her to make sure she left the door to his office open. When she went in, he told her to look at something on his computer monitor. We she went to look, she had to stand beside him while he was behind his desk. He had his fly open and was looking at porn. She screamed, and a lady down the hall came running and saw what was going on. BINGO! She had a witness. Long story short, the girl sued, won her case, and the hospital settled in the millions. Come to find out, she had sarcoidosis that was in remission at the time she started her employment. After going through all the stress of the harrassment, she went into full-blown crisis with that disease, ended up in a wheelchair.

Wow that poor woman! Along with what I wrote about my coworker, I had a relapse with my depression at the same time, but was in denial, but it was getting harder and harder to deal with cause of what was going on at work and not stopping and I was beginning to self harm at the time and would get suicidal thoughts, but was so afraid to talk about that cause I knew it would not be taken seriously like physical illnesses which is terrible. Things are okay now though at work though my diagnosis is bipolar instead and still hard to live with though I manage it now.

[Edited 8/19/12 5:15am]

Yes, a number of times by both men and women. Nothing that really bothered me though.

And nothing ever came from it either.

Yup. It was relatively annoying.

I was hired to work in retail (an adult porn/boutique store), and my female boss would sometimes say inappropriate things, but quickly straighten herself---it was awkward.

A couple of times in the military. I was spotted at a gay bar by a Sergeant in a squadron that worked closely with mine---we were technical liasons, and came into contact from time to time. After that he relentlessly pursued me until he ran into me at a straight bar WITH MY DAMNED GIRLFRIEND on my arm.

I'm normally approached by very masculine men that I would have never suspected as being into other men, so it's always awkward and uncomfortable for me, because I don't always see it coming. I think for women, becuase it happens so much, they more or less know there's a potential of it from every man who's in to pussy.

Oh, hell yes

It was incredibly blatant and insanely constant and I just blew it off because ultimately she was harmless. Think Jennifer Aniston in "Horrible Bosses", but with a southern accent lol...

lauralevesque said:

novabrkr said:

There are some weird answers on this thread. I don't know how you can seriously call something "harassment" if you've been willing to have sex with the other person.

I have mixed feelings about this issue. I dated someone that was involved in a sexual harassment case that was covered in the media (she even appeared on prime time TV). I supported her even after our relationship was over as I really liked her, but felt that she wasn't really honest about what had happened. It was one of those cases when the woman flirts with a lot of people (men and women, btw) and is known to make sexually provocative jokes all the time at her work place, but considers it intrusive when an unattrative, older executive decides to try his luck with her as well. In this case, the exec went too far and I think he deserved to be punished for it, but I just wasn't very comfortable about how she had ended up in that situation to begin with.

Was she that gorgeous dark haired girl that worked at that bank?

No. For some reason I am flattered by this question though.

Cerebus said:

What is so difficult about my explanation for everyone to understand? I've re-read it several times and I think my grammar was pretty solid. It WAS harrassment. You weren't there, so you can't POSSIBLY say otherwise. And by your definition, ANYBODY who sleeps with a person for fear of losing their job is not being harrassed. Ridiculous.

Please, I don't mean this to sound rude, but some of you need to do some reading in regards to what qualifies as harrassment in the workplace before you go telling other people they weren't or haven't been harrassed. I didn't WANT to be treated the way she was treating me. I didn't WANT to be flirted with or touched. I didn't ASK for any of it. I WARNED the person she was going down a dangerous road. When she wouldn't quit I slept with her, basically, just to be a dick. So I had something I could hold over her head. Why is this so hard to understand?

When she wouldn't quit you should have gone to talk a supervisor and not sleep with the person.

It might be the case that you were in a really difficult situation, but I'm not convinced that the attempt at a solution by "being a dick" makes sense to too many people reading that post. So while your case might qualify as being harassment from your own viewpoint and even in legal sense depending on where you live, you don't really come off as being a victim in this case due to the way you describe you've handled the situation.

This reminds me a bit of what happens in some self defence situations when people think that someone first hitting you means you can take that as a right to beat up that person badly and injure them. Yes, someone might have attacked you first, but you do lose the right to play the victim card if the measures you've taken yourself aren't appropriate.

People need to move away from the type of mentality that makes it okay to behave in any manner whatsoever just because someone else did something wrong to you. The people that feel they are being harassed also have the responsibility to express their disinteredness in a clear enough manner. Having sex with the other person certainly does not qualify as that.

Of course, people should be granted the right not having to work in an environment where they are constantly attempted to be talked into sex or where co-workers are constantly talking about sex. I also understand that it might be hard to express clearly that you're not interested in the other person when he / she all of a sudden makes a move on you.

[Edited 8/19/12 12:21pm]

novabrkr said:

Cerebus said:

What is so difficult about my explanation for everyone to understand? I've re-read it several times and I think my grammar was pretty solid. It WAS harrassment. You weren't there, so you can't POSSIBLY say otherwise. And by your definition, ANYBODY who sleeps with a person for fear of losing their job is not being harrassed. Ridiculous.

Please, I don't mean this to sound rude, but some of you need to do some reading in regards to what qualifies as harrassment in the workplace before you go telling other people they weren't or haven't been harrassed. I didn't WANT to be treated the way she was treating me. I didn't WANT to be flirted with or touched. I didn't ASK for any of it. I WARNED the person she was going down a dangerous road. When she wouldn't quit I slept with her, basically, just to be a dick. So I had something I could hold over her head. Why is this so hard to understand?

When she wouldn't quit you should have gone to talk a supervisor and not sleep with the person.

It might be the case that you were in a really difficult situation, but I'm not convinced that the attempt at a solution by "being a dick" makes sense to too many people reading that post. So while your case might qualify as being harassment from your own viewpoint and even in legal sense depending on where you live, you don't really come off as being a victim in this case due to the way you describe you've handled the situation.

This reminds me a bit of what happens in some self defence situations when people think that someone first hitting you means you can take that as a right to beat up that person badly and injure them. Yes, someone might have attacked you first, but you do lose the right to play the victim card if the measures you've taken yourself aren't appropriate.

People need to move away from the type of mentality that makes it okay to behave in any manner whatsoever just because someone else did something wrong to you. The people that feel they are being harassed also have the responsibility to express their disinteredness in a clear enough manner. Having sex with the other person certainly does not qualify as that.

Of course, people should be granted the right not having to work in an environment where they are constantly attempted to be talked into sex or where co-workers are constantly talking about sex. I also understand that it might be hard to express clearly that you're not interested in the other person when he / she all of a sudden makes a move on you.

I know what I did was wrong. I took advantage of her stupidity and I don't feel bad about it. Not then, and not now. No need for any kind of a lecture. But I can assure you that she never did that shit again.

You, and anyone else who thinks I was not harrassed, are wrong. Factually. Legally. Wrong.

And I will state again, you weren't there, so you have no idea whether or not I was "a victim". The way I chose to respond has nothing to do with it.

I understand your point, Cerebus. It's not about that. If you were repeatedly being made moves on and the other person knew it made you uncomfortable then it's obviously harassment. But it seems like you've made the situation even more complicated by the way you've attempted to solve it and therefore the word "harassment" just doesn't describe the entire situation correctly to someone like me that's reading your posts.

In any case, I think that people that continue to try to make sexual advances on people that aren't interested in them clearly enough are serious fuck ups. One or two attempts is fairly normal, but then obviously you should just let it go.

Then there's of course that type of harassment where, e.g. men try to control the physical space in an office situation by openly commenting on how sexy some woman is or just by telling dirty jokes constantly (which seems to be quite common). Those men try to maintain a certain type of a mood in the work place that allows them to control others, although I don't have an opinion on how punishable that should be. Seems like a fairly large percentage of men are cabable of that type of behaviour and expect that from other men as well. I've never wanted to get into anything like that myself.

[Edited 8/19/12 13:15pm]

alphastreet said:

Wow that poor woman! Along with what I wrote about my coworker, I had a relapse with my depression at the same time, but was in denial, but it was getting harder and harder to deal with cause of what was going on at work and not stopping and I was beginning to self harm at the time and would get suicidal thoughts, but was so afraid to talk about that cause I knew it would not be taken seriously like physical illnesses which is terrible. Things are okay now though at work though my diagnosis is bipolar instead and still hard to live with though I manage it now.

[Edited 8/19/12 5:15am]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I believe you had a viable law suit. Depression is an illness, and if the harrasser made it impossible for you to function and do your job, your employer was indeed liable. You should have sought legal advice and sued the pants off your employer. I'm glad you're doing well now.

JustErin said:

Oh God, yes. From minor harassment to major, and in most places I've worked.

Even just 10 minutes ago I was on the phone with a co-worker, just trying to do my job and he changes the subject to talk about how pretty I am. Super awkward.

Seriously, I just figure it's just the bullshit that women have to deal with all the time.

You guys have video phones?!? Cool!

Actually, I was just thinking about something kind of like this.

Since I've been married (25 years now), I've never been hit on by a woman. I think it's because they all know how much in love I am with my wife. The only time anyone ever got close to making a pass at me was this woman who said she wanted to, but she knew it'd be a waste of time because she wouldn't get anywhere.

Yay me!

Not really. The lines between appropriate and inappropriate behavior in the fashion industry are so blurred, usually everyone just simply welcomes humping each other if they get the chance to.

However, in the 90's post divorce, I was finally 100% out of doing production work and was back on the path into styling full time. One of my first jobs was working for an industrial Swedish publication of all things, being shot by a very soft-spoken, patient, very kind (and very attractive) Swedish fashion photographer. The day went off well without a hitch, and as is the tradition on photo shoots, we met for closing the "Team Dinner" and eeeee-very-thing was smiles, smiles, smiles. After dinner I had to go to his room to pack up the wardrobe into cases as the client full out purchased it to make my life easier (as opposed to me borrowing things from boutiques and showrooms): so nothing would not be returned, and after all it it's my job to pack stuff up and prepare it for shipping. Nothing seemed unusual in the least, as photo teams practically live in one another's rooms, running back and forth, giving each other this and that, having meetings and making decisons about the production, blasé, blasé.

After packing, getting ready to say goodbye and thank you it was so great , we go in for the standard Team Hug (or what I thought was going to be team hug ), and this fool took both his hands cupped my face and kissed me smack dead on the lips. Then he recoiled in utter horror, looking just like this and started stammering "I am so sorry! I'm so sorry ", an it was such an ernest reaction it actually made me laugh (inside), but I put up a very stern exterior and simply admonished him with "that is highly inappropriate behavior and my agent would be mortified to know know that I have been placed in..." and he got so nervous, I let it go. Had I been single longer, and met in him in a different way perhaps things would have gone differently: he was certainly good-looking, pleasant, and successful. but I had to scare him a little bit to let him know that wasn't okay with me (even though most people in the business woud have kissed him and gawd knows what else). We never worked together again but he sang my praises to my agent at the time and sent 3 new clients my way. Damn shame, my memory is so bad I can barely remember that dude's name. He looked a little bit like a young version of Sting, though

nope, not really. My boss accidentally called me harlot instead of Charlotte once but when he said it I could tell he just wanted to die and have the ground swallow him up, it was a true freudian slip.

Another boss drove me home from a christmas function once and asked me the difference between a transexual and a transvestite and I explained, kind of clinically and he said "oh right! didn't know that!" I thought it was weird he was 40 years old and didn't already know that, but I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was 22.

RodeoSchro said:

Actually, I was just thinking about something kind of like this.

Since I've been married (25 years now), I've never been hit on by a woman. I think it's because they all know how much in love I am with my wife. The only time anyone ever got close to making a pass at me was this woman who said she wanted to, but she knew it'd be a waste of time because she wouldn't get anywhere.

Yay me!

You and your wife are blessed. Even though I never married, it warms my heart when I hear of couples being happily married for decades.

JustErin said:

Oh God, yes. From minor harassment to major, and in most places I've worked.

Even just 10 minutes ago I was on the phone with a co-worker, just trying to do my job and he changes the subject to talk about how pretty I am. Super awkward.

Seriously, I just figure it's just the bullshit that women have to deal with all the time.

Awkward perhaps but not sexual harrassment.

ForgottenPassword said:

JustErin said:

Oh God, yes. From minor harassment to major, and in most places I've worked.

Even just 10 minutes ago I was on the phone with a co-worker, just trying to do my job and he changes the subject to talk about how pretty I am. Super awkward.

Seriously, I just figure it's just the bullshit that women have to deal with all the time.

Awkward perhaps but not sexual harrassment.

I said from minor to major.

And it's actually more than just awkward it's completely inappropriate.

This thread has been a good, informative read.

I work with a lot of pretty girls who are mostly 10-20 years younger than me. As you might imagine, I'm extremely paranoid of doing anything that might be considered 'harassment' - to the point where most of the staff probably find me pretty unfriendly overall. Hell, I won't even play The Vault at work because 'Sara' might come on and I'm worried one of the two Saras I work with will think I'm trying to 'say something'.

It's nice to see that people's definition of sexual harassment pretty much involves, you know... actual sexual harassment.

eyewishuheaven said:

This thread has been a good, informative read.

I work with a lot of pretty girls who are mostly 10-20 years younger than me. As you might imagine, I'm extremely paranoid of doing anything that might be considered 'harassment' - to the point where most of the staff probably find me pretty unfriendly overall. Hell, I won't even play The Vault at work because 'Sara' might come on and I'm worried one of the two Saras I work with will think I'm trying to 'say something'.

It's nice to see that people's definition of sexual harassment pretty much involves, you know... actual sexual harassment.

You know, telling someone once that they look nice, pretty, whatever once is not a big deal. Saying it all the time is not cool.

Yeah but it started with friendly, respectful rapport and nothing else came of it.

JustErin said:

eyewishuheaven said:

This thread has been a good, informative read.

I work with a lot of pretty girls who are mostly 10-20 years younger than me. As you might imagine, I'm extremely paranoid of doing anything that might be considered 'harassment' - to the point where most of the staff probably find me pretty unfriendly overall. Hell, I won't even play The Vault at work because 'Sara' might come on and I'm worried one of the two Saras I work with will think I'm trying to 'say something'.

It's nice to see that people's definition of sexual harassment pretty much involves, you know... actual sexual harassment.

You know, telling someone once that they look nice, pretty, whatever once is not a big deal. Saying it all the time is not cool.

OMG YOU'RE HOT!!!