I feel really hurt by something and not sure what to think. When I opened up my email today, I got a forwarded message from my mother that is an airline itinerary for travel in a few weeks. The catch is that she's going to another city to meet a man off the internet that she's only been talking to a few weeks. Although I haven't seen her in two years because as she told me once before, the parent shouldn't have to travel where the child is, the child should visit the parent. I moved away abou six years ago and always made the effort to visit when I could.

She is traveling on Mother's Day weekend to visit some creep off the internet that she's never met before! When she first told me that she was talking to this guy and wanted to meet him in person, I asked her if perhaps he could travel to her city first because it would be safer that way.

I feel seriously and deeply hurt because after two years, she's never visited me and I always have to go to her city to visit her and when I do go, she doesn't seem too thrilled. Yet, some total stranger off the internet she is going to get on a plane to meet? My birthday is also in two weeks and she hasn't been here for any holidays or anything...this really hurts me deeply. Isn't blood supposed to be thicker than water?

I just simply wrote back to the email saying, thanks for letting me know and hope you can stop by my city before you head home.

I'm always there for her when her relationships fail and whatnot but as soon as another man enters the picture, she drops me like a bad habit. I listened to her complain about her 3rd husband for YEARS and now she does this? I dunno, this makes me feel like she's fickle.

What do you all think?

Seventeendayez said:

Is blood thicker than water?

I think this post explains much about you...

she is a woman who is a natural born dick chaser, so she will do what ever for dick. Dick is her best friend, so she will travel to get some dick. She will put dick first in her life, dick comes before her own needs including yours. Why you move away from your momma? Maybe she's on FU too mode? Uh, never mind about that. She misses you and loves you, so don't take that shit personal. Some mommas are just like that, they like dick. If you had a dick I am sure she would treat you way better, even travel to see you too.

I am not being facetious either, I mean that... you see I come from a long line of dick chasers myself so trust me when I tell you.... when she goes into menopause and her pussy dries up, she'll need you... then you can stick her dick chasing ass in a nursing home without an ounce of guilt.

See there... it'll all work out in the end!

spell edits

[Edited 4/21/12 7:26am]

[Edited 4/21/12 7:37am]

.... and yes, blood is thicker than water, but when you are dealing with a selfish woman who's needy its best to let her be who she is and stop bitching about it... because she's your mom and you should expect that mess from her by now. She's done raising you and you should just try to understand her and be more compassionate. The rest will follow.

you can choose your friends, and you can start a family, but you can't pick the family you start with.

with that bein said, i'd die form the family i made (my kids) and most of the family i was born into,

but only because i've out lasted the ones who weren't shit...

KingBAD said:

you can choose your friends, and you can start a family, but you can't pick the family you start with.

with that bein said, i'd die form the family i made (my kids) and most of the family i was born into,

but only because i've out lasted the ones who weren't shit...

Yeah and that's a damn shame....

KingBAD said:

you can choose your friends, and you can start a family, but you can't pick the family you start with.

with that bein said, i'd die form the family i made (my kids) and most of the family i was born into,

but only because i've out lasted the ones who weren't shit...

Thanks King, that helps me put it in perspective and hopefully will have the opportunity to do the same.

Nah.. Blood is not always thicker than water; you can't help/have no control over what "family" you're born into.. if one has seriously f'd up relatives, why should your bond to/with them automatically be better than the bond with others just b/c you share some DNA -??

I wouldn't be surprised if that saying came about as some guilt trip a parent was trying to impose on their kid for "going against the family"..

I hope you have truly great ppl in your life, be they partner/spouse or close friends who may as well be/should have been your family base

all o' that being said, she's still your mom... I hope you have more than just an airline itinerary.. like the guy's name, address/what he does for a living.. where she's staying (I hope not at his place..) just in case.

good luck!

NO.

A few days ago, I sent out an email to her and a few family friends basically asking her not to go on this trip. It is simply too dangerous and we don't know anything about this guy at all. I mean, WTF is this guy filling her mind up with for her to decide to dump her own family for Mother's Day weekend and go meet a stranger off the internet. We have no idea what this guy's name is, address, phone number, nothing. I am worried about her safety and the response? She sent me angry emails and voicemails in response and was upset that I emailed so many people. I am sick of this habit she has of making really F'd up decisions in her love life that affect the family and then when it all goes wrong she expects us to pick up the pieces. This is precisely why I don't really go out of my way anymore to try to build a strong family. It's like family members act like strangers are golden and worth all their heart but treat family worse than strangers. They always do this and I'm sick of it all. I have no idea if she's still going to go on this trip to meet this internet stranger and stay with him but at this point, should I care anymore?

You will always care. She is your mother, but you've done all you can.

Age-wise, she's a grown woman and will do as she pleases, obviously.

You cannot control her actions, but you can decide how you will react to them.

It's rational for you to be concerned that she's going to meet someone off the internet and you don't know who, or what type of person he is, but if she chooses to go and it turns out to be a mess that needs cleaning up, you have the choice to clean it up or not.

It's time to stop and take a look at how her actions are affecting your life and the choices you make because that is all you can really change.

I'm sorry she has hurt you and continues to hurt you. I hope she stays safe.

SeventeenDayze said:

I feel really hurt by something and not sure what to think. When I opened up my email today, I got a forwarded message from my mother that is an airline itinerary for travel in a few weeks. The catch is that she's going to another city to meet a man off the internet that she's only been talking to a few weeks. Although I haven't seen her in two years because as she told me once before, the parent shouldn't have to travel where the child is, the child should visit the parent. I moved away abou six years ago and always made the effort to visit when I could.

She is traveling on Mother's Day weekend to visit some creep off the internet that she's never met before! When she first told me that she was talking to this guy and wanted to meet him in person, I asked her if perhaps he could travel to her city first because it would be safer that way.

I feel seriously and deeply hurt because after two years, she's never visited me and I always have to go to her city to visit her and when I do go, she doesn't seem too thrilled. Yet, some total stranger off the internet she is going to get on a plane to meet? My birthday is also in two weeks and she hasn't been here for any holidays or anything...this really hurts me deeply. Isn't blood supposed to be thicker than water?

I just simply wrote back to the email saying, thanks for letting me know and hope you can stop by my city before you head home.

I'm always there for her when her relationships fail and whatnot but as soon as another man enters the picture, she drops me like a bad habit. I listened to her complain about her 3rd husband for YEARS and now she does this? I dunno, this makes me feel like she's fickle.

What do you all think?

Shades of J.D. Harmeyer.

Sounds to me like your mom's a little self-absorbed. I would tell her, outright, that it's hurtful to you that she hasn't visited, yet she's hopping on a plane to meet some stranger (and - also - that you're worried about her safety).

Nothing changes when we keep our mouths shut. From "Top 5 Regrets of the Dying":

I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

As long as it comes from a place of sadness (rather than anger), everything should be cool.

Best of luck.

I agree with Paintlady. It sounds like your mother is just really horny all the time. Some of us do not do smart things when we are horny.

kitbradley said:

I agree with Paintlady. It sounds like your mother is just really horny all the time. Some of us do not do smart things when we are horny.

Yeah it's just real F'd up though that she'd put a total stranger above her own family. It's big reason why for a few years I stopped saying "I love you" because I feel like when she says it, it's just lip service. She outta be like, I love you until the next loser man comes along. When she got married the 3rd time, it was like the worst experience ever. She put that asshole on a pedestal and pushed us away and then when he ended up being an asshole she wanted us to feel bad for her and spend time with her. It's just really a big reason why I literally live nearly 1,000 miles away from home....

Agree with the others that your mom is horny but she also sounds lonely. She might just really want a man in her life to lover her or something and maybe feels like you are an adult and her job is done. I don't know what to say really. Its strange that this is going down on Mother's Day. So sorry that you are hurt but maybe your mom isn't really the motherly type? I'm learning that not all women have this instinct which is sad cuz I think if you bring a child into the world they should be your everything until they have their own family. Never understood women who put dick before their kids. Dick will always be there won't it?

Maybe this is a teaching moment. Maybe if things don't work out you can remind her about the family she put on the back burner for a man she didn't know or if things do work out, you will learn that love can occur in the most unlikely of places and add this man to your family.

Just wait and see what happens but don't fret too much. You have to worry about and take care of yourself. Time with parents can happen on any day and as long as you are being thoughtful as the child, that's all that matters now. You can't control anyone else but you.

Well, my mom and I are pretty close. Nothing could ever break that bond with me. Other than my late brother, the sun has always rose and set upon her for me.

So I imagine I'd be quite hurt if she ever passed me up like that. Doubly so should I travel to see her as often as you do. I don't, though, because my mother lives in Jamaica. But if I could, I would.

That being said, I'd communicate your feelings to your mom. I believe she's got to own up to her responsibilities. Not all people are born maternal and parentage don't a momma make, but you have a right to a loving relationship. If it's not ever gonna be this way, though, you gotta let her go. No use in trying, wishing, hoping a mother will change if she completely refuses or is icy towards you.

Spinlight said:

Well, my mom and I are pretty close. Nothing could ever break that bond with me. Other than my late brother, the sun has always rose and set upon her for me.

So I imagine I'd be quite hurt if she ever passed me up like that. Doubly so should I travel to see her as often as you do. I don't, though, because my mother lives in Jamaica. But if I could, I would.

That being said, I'd communicate your feelings to your mom. I believe she's got to own up to her responsibilities. Not all people are born maternal and parentage don't a momma make, but you have a right to a loving relationship. If it's not ever gonna be this way, though, you gotta let her go. No use in trying, wishing, hoping a mother will change if she completely refuses or is icy towards you.

Spin, you're very lucky and trust me if you don't have that kind of love in your life, it makes you think you'll never have anything remotely close to it at all. It's hard to describe but you think to yourself, Wow my own mother doesn't give a fuck so who else will? She and I have had our fights before but the past several years she's really put all bullshit above my sister and me. I'm fucking sick of it all.

I dunno, I have another birthday coming up soon and it's a weird feeling. I feel zero closeness to my family, haven't had a boyfriend/real relationship in ten years.... I have a kind heart but just nowhere to put the love at all. This is just the worst feeling, wouldn't wish it on anyone.....I just feel like I'm in a cave and never gonna get out. I can feel my heart turning colder and feeling less likely to find love from anyone at all.

[Edited 4/24/12 19:46pm]

SeventeenDayze said:

kitbradley said:

I agree with Paintlady. It sounds like your mother is just really horny all the time. Some of us do not do smart things when we are horny.

Yeah it's just real F'd up though that she'd put a total stranger above her own family. It's big reason why for a few years I stopped saying "I love you" because I feel like when she says it, it's just lip service. She outta be like, I love you until the next loser man comes along. When she got married the 3rd time, it was like the worst experience ever. She put that asshole on a pedestal and pushed us away and then when he ended up being an asshole she wanted us to feel bad for her and spend time with her. It's just really a big reason why I literally live nearly 1,000 miles away from home....

Dick chasing is NOT about being horny... that wasn't my point.

Dick chasing is all about feeling lonely and it stems from insecurity. This is why I said I came from a long line of dick chasers, I know that behavior very well.

I broke that curse of how the women in my family put men before everyone else... including their own kids. Horniness does come into play, but she is more insecure and needy than anything else.

So I say to you, (not in judgement, but just from a place of true honesty)

I have read your previous threads and your dating pattern is very simliar to your mom's pattern.

So you can NOT force change on her and still do what you do... all you can do is change yourself.

Do NOT approach her from a point of being angry at her. Tell her only when you are ready to be comapssionate towards her and have an understanding heart.

My previous advice was worded harshly to you for good reason... it was to illustrate the point that YOU do NOT like hearing the hard truth. You are stubborn, you learned that from your mom, and your posts are sorta self-aborbed in nature as well.

Your mom seeks companionship, she doesn't get that from you since you chose to move away from her. In order to heal your relationship with her you must learn to get to a place where you learn to listen to advice you hate to hear... just google "how to be a good listener" and follow the advice.

So once you learn those characteristics and change your lifestyle then you can help her by listening to her.... learning her in a way where you can see her for what she can give you and not by what she should give you.

Learn to accept your mother, despite what she does. She owes you nothing. The men and people in her life are just a reflection of who she is.... including you. She will learn to be a better person once she meets a better person through you. Be that better person and she will come to a different understanding.

That is how you should love your mother, unconditionally.... maybe then she will learn to do the same. If not, you will still be blessed because you will be a better person for it.

Forget what type of mother she is and focus only on being a good daughter. Trust me, she will change in HER time. You must be patient.

No luck is needed just deterimnation and lots of patience and compassion on your part. Now get to work.

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Yeah it's just real F'd up though that she'd put a total stranger above her own family. It's big reason why for a few years I stopped saying "I love you" because I feel like when she says it, it's just lip service. She outta be like, I love you until the next loser man comes along. When she got married the 3rd time, it was like the worst experience ever. She put that asshole on a pedestal and pushed us away and then when he ended up being an asshole she wanted us to feel bad for her and spend time with her. It's just really a big reason why I literally live nearly 1,000 miles away from home....

Dick chasing is NOT about being horny... that wasn't my point.

Dick chasing is all about feeling lonely and it stems from insecurity. This is why I said I came from a long line of dick chasers, I know that behavior very well.

I broke that curse of how the women in my family put men before everyone else... including their own kids. Horniness does come into play, but she is more insecure and needy than anything else.

So I say to you, (not in judgement, but just from a place of true honesty)

I have read your previous threads and your dating pattern is very simliar to your mom's pattern.

So you can NOT force change on her and still do what you do... all you can do is change yourself.

Do NOT approach her from a point of being angry at her. Tell her only when you are ready to be comapssionate towards her and have an understanding heart.

My previous advice was worded harshly to you for good reason... it was to illustrate the point that YOU do NOT like hearing the hard truth. You are stubborn, you learned that from your mom, and your posts are sorta self-aborbed in nature as well.

Your mom seeks companionship, she doesn't get that from you since you chose to move away from her. In order to heal your relationship with her you must learn to get to a place where you learn to listen to advice you hate to hear... just google "how to be a good listener" and follow the advice.

So once you learn those characteristics and change your lifestyle then you can help her by listening to her.... learning her in a way where you can see her for what she can give you and not by what she should give you.

Learn to accept your mother, despite what she does. She owes you nothing. The men and people in her life are just a reflection of who she is.... including you. She will learn to be a better person once she meets a better person through you. Be that better person and she will come to a different understanding.

That is how you should love your mother, unconditionally.... maybe then she will learn to do the same. If not, you will still be blessed because you will be a better person for it.

Forget what type of mother she is and focus only on being a good daughter. Trust me, she will change in HER time. You must be patient.

No luck is needed just deterimnation and lots of patience and compassion on your part. Now get to work.

It isn't her fault her mother is dysfunctional. Sounds to me like she has already been the good daughter by visiting her in the first place. Moving away is not a reason for a mother to act harshly or indifferently towards their kid. She does owe her daughter something - to be a good mother in return.

Oh and if I were you, as a good beginning... I would only express these things to her.

1. That you miss her, that you want to make more fun memories with her.

2. That you are happy she met someone but that you are worried that the meeting is a risky one, wish her safety and well being ONLY.

3. Tell her you want to see her soon and that you regret moving away from her (even if you don't mean it).

Only guilt works on mothers... no child should ever chastise their mother. You should always show momma the respect she deserves.

She will see you only mean well by her and she may change her mind.

This is how I deal with my mom... and I had a knife fight with one of her abusive boyfriends. Enough said.

Spinlight said:

paintedlady said:

Dick chasing is NOT about being horny... that wasn't my point.

Dick chasing is all about feeling lonely and it stems from insecurity. This is why I said I came from a long line of dick chasers, I know that behavior very well.

I broke that curse of how the women in my family put men before everyone else... including their own kids. Horniness does come into play, but she is more insecure and needy than anything else.

So I say to you, (not in judgement, but just from a place of true honesty)

I have read your previous threads and your dating pattern is very simliar to your mom's pattern.

So you can NOT force change on her and still do what you do... all you can do is change yourself.

Do NOT approach her from a point of being angry at her. Tell her only when you are ready to be comapssionate towards her and have an understanding heart.

My previous advice was worded harshly to you for good reason... it was to illustrate the point that YOU do NOT like hearing the hard truth. You are stubborn, you learned that from your mom, and your posts are sorta self-aborbed in nature as well.

Your mom seeks companionship, she doesn't get that from you since you chose to move away from her. In order to heal your relationship with her you must learn to get to a place where you learn to listen to advice you hate to hear... just google "how to be a good listener" and follow the advice.

So once you learn those characteristics and change your lifestyle then you can help her by listening to her.... learning her in a way where you can see her for what she can give you and not by what she should give you.

Learn to accept your mother, despite what she does. She owes you nothing. The men and people in her life are just a reflection of who she is.... including you. She will learn to be a better person once she meets a better person through you. Be that better person and she will come to a different understanding.

That is how you should love your mother, unconditionally.... maybe then she will learn to do the same. If not, you will still be blessed because you will be a better person for it.

Forget what type of mother she is and focus only on being a good daughter. Trust me, she will change in HER time. You must be patient.

No luck is needed just deterimnation and lots of patience and compassion on your part. Now get to work.

It isn't her fault her mother is dysfunctional. Sounds to me like she has already been the good daughter by visiting her in the first place. Moving away is not a reason for a mother to act harshly or indifferently towards their kid. She does owe her daughter something - to be a good mother in return.

No she sounds just like her mom... on ME ME ME mode.

Her mom is dysfunctional just like her... my family is similar to that as well, I know people like her mom. The daughters all repeat the behaviors putting guys first.

She owes her mother respect no matter what.

As an adult you stay close to mom if you are single just to make sure mom is OK.

You can move away but she shouldn't hold any thing against her mom, and its clear she does.

She is resentful and trust me if I can read that in her posts, her mom sure the hell can in her voice.

So her mom will become distant from her daughter if her daughter thinks she can be mad at her mom (who is self-absorded by nature) for not visting her after she moved away from her.

My advice sounds like tons of work... but it works because I did it. My mom is just like her mom.

Oh and me and my mom are closer now... and getting closer and opening up to eachother.

You don't have to do what I did, but it worked for me and me and my mom get along well now when I couldn't stand her in the past.

It took YEARS, but she came around when I decided to stop judging her and just got over myself and allowed my heart to heal.

My mom was dysfunctional, she no longer is a dick chaser and neither am I.

I still love dick though, just in healthy doses.

paintedlady said:

Spinlight said:

It isn't her fault her mother is dysfunctional. Sounds to me like she has already been the good daughter by visiting her in the first place. Moving away is not a reason for a mother to act harshly or indifferently towards their kid. She does owe her daughter something - to be a good mother in return.

No she sounds just like her mom... on ME ME ME mode.

Her mom is dysfunctional just like her... my family is similar to that as well, I know people like her mom. The daughters all repeat the behaviors putting guys first.

She owes her mother respect no matter what.

As an adult you stay close to mom if you are single just to make sure mom is OK.

You can move away but she shouldn't hold any thing against her mom, and its clear she does.

She is resentful and trust me if I can read that in her posts, her mom sure the hell can in her voice.

So her mom will become distant from her daughter if her daughter thinks she can be mad at her mom (who is self-absorded by nature) for not visting her after she moved away from her.

My advice sounds like tons of work... but it works because I did it. My mom is just like her mom.

Well why does her mom get to be owed something and she doesn't? That's not fair. Why would someone offer someone respect when that person treats them like less than what they are? So you can be continually walked on? That woman has to be in her 40s or 50s - she's had a long time to live and come to some conclusions that involve mutual love for the person she gave birth to. It wasn't her choice to be birthed. It feels like she should always owe her child the love and respect that a child should get from their mother.

Spinlight said:

paintedlady said:

No she sounds just like her mom... on ME ME ME mode.

Her mom is dysfunctional just like her... my family is similar to that as well, I know people like her mom. The daughters all repeat the behaviors putting guys first.

She owes her mother respect no matter what.

As an adult you stay close to mom if you are single just to make sure mom is OK.

You can move away but she shouldn't hold any thing against her mom, and its clear she does.

She is resentful and trust me if I can read that in her posts, her mom sure the hell can in her voice.

So her mom will become distant from her daughter if her daughter thinks she can be mad at her mom (who is self-absorded by nature) for not visting her after she moved away from her.

My advice sounds like tons of work... but it works because I did it. My mom is just like her mom.

Well why does her mom get to be owed something and she doesn't? That's not fair. Why would someone offer someone respect when that person treats them like less than what they are? So you can be continually walked on? That woman has to be in her 40s or 50s - she's had a long time to live and come to some conclusions that involve mutual love for the person she gave birth to. It wasn't her choice to be birthed. It feels like she should always owe her child the love and respect that a child should get from their mother.

If that was some ordinary stranger in her life it wouldn't be fair... but this is HER MOTHER.

Her mother birthed her and raised her and can throw that mess right back at her yanno?

So she can NOT come at her with this "respect me and I'll respect ya back" attitude because she will fail miserably and make mom more distant.

Mom isn't walking on her, just ignoring her. She obviously loves her mom and wants a closer relationship with her.

Its like courtship, you can not attract mom by acting like a brat, you gotta make mom feel guilty for being the selfish asshole.

But the trick is, you can not say "Hey mom, you're a selfish asshole, love me and pay attention to me dammit!"

Naw, see mom seeks men out because they make her feel good, and her daughter gets on her last nerves. So mom travels to see the guys who stroke her ego.

So with a few well placed manipulative comments she too can have her mom loving her, she just has to learn the proper approach.

But I recommend doing it in an honest way instead of a self-serving way. The payoff will be mom wanting to see her daughter more and a more open relationship where she can be more honest with her .... LATER on.

A child can only tell a parent the truth about their shit when that child has a healthy relationship with the parent otherwise the truth will fall on death ears and the parent will only use what is said against the child as proof as to why the parent should keep acting like an asshole.

[Edited 4/25/12 17:44pm]

paintedlady said:

Spinlight said:

Well why does her mom get to be owed something and she doesn't? That's not fair. Why would someone offer someone respect when that person treats them like less than what they are? So you can be continually walked on? That woman has to be in her 40s or 50s - she's had a long time to live and come to some conclusions that involve mutual love for the person she gave birth to. It wasn't her choice to be birthed. It feels like she should always owe her child the love and respect that a child should get from their mother.

If that was some ordinary stranger in her life it wouldn't be fair... but this is HER MOTHER.

Her mother birthed her and raised her and can throw that mess right back at her yanno?

So she can NOT come at her with this "respect me and I'll respect ya back" attitude because she will fail miserably and make mom more distant.

Mom isn't walking on her, just ignoring her. She obviously loves her mom and wants a closer relationship with her.

Its like courtship, you can not attract mom by acting like a brat, you gotta make mom feel guilty for being the selfish asshole.

But the trick is, you can not say "Hey mom, you're a selfish asshole, love me and pay attention to me dammit!"

Naw, see mom seeks men out because they make her feel good, and her daughter gets on her last nerves. So mom travels to see the guys who stroke her ego.

So with a few well placed manipulative comments she too can have her mom loving her, she just has to learn the proper approach.

But I recommend doing it in an honest way instead of a self-serving way. The payoff will be mom wanting to see her daughter more and a more open relationship where she can be more honest with her .... LATER on.

A child can only tell a parent the truth about their shit when that child has a healthy relationship with the parent otherwise the truth will fall on death ears and the parent will only use what is said against the child as proof as to why the parent should keep acting like an asshole.

[Edited 4/25/12 17:44pm]

Interesting perspective. I wonder what causes this kind of disassociation? I suppose I take my relationship for granted because I certainly would never expect this kind of behavior from my ma. I know not all moms are made alike, but how can you not be maternal? Dick over your own daughter? Cuz it makes you feel good? Yikes. That sounds shockingly disrespectful and ungrateful.

Spinlight said:

Interesting perspective. I wonder what causes this kind of disassociation? I suppose I take my relationship for granted because I certainly would never expect this kind of behavior from my ma. I know not all moms are made alike, but how can you not be maternal? Dick over your own daughter? Cuz it makes you feel good? Yikes. That sounds shockingly disrespectful and ungrateful.

...

[Edited 4/25/12 21:05pm]

Spinlight said:

paintedlady said:

If that was some ordinary stranger in her life it wouldn't be fair... but this is HER MOTHER.

Her mother birthed her and raised her and can throw that mess right back at her yanno?

So she can NOT come at her with this "respect me and I'll respect ya back" attitude because she will fail miserably and make mom more distant.

Mom isn't walking on her, just ignoring her. She obviously loves her mom and wants a closer relationship with her.

Its like courtship, you can not attract mom by acting like a brat, you gotta make mom feel guilty for being the selfish asshole.

But the trick is, you can not say "Hey mom, you're a selfish asshole, love me and pay attention to me dammit!"

Naw, see mom seeks men out because they make her feel good, and her daughter gets on her last nerves. So mom travels to see the guys who stroke her ego.

So with a few well placed manipulative comments she too can have her mom loving her, she just has to learn the proper approach.

But I recommend doing it in an honest way instead of a self-serving way. The payoff will be mom wanting to see her daughter more and a more open relationship where she can be more honest with her .... LATER on.

A child can only tell a parent the truth about their shit when that child has a healthy relationship with the parent otherwise the truth will fall on death ears and the parent will only use what is said against the child as proof as to why the parent should keep acting like an asshole.

[Edited 4/25/12 17:44pm]

Interesting perspective. I wonder what causes this kind of disassociation? I suppose I take my relationship for granted because I certainly would never expect this kind of behavior from my ma. I know not all moms are made alike, but how can you not be maternal? Dick over your own daughter? Cuz it makes you feel good? Yikes. That sounds shockingly disrespectful and ungrateful.

Spin has it right...I've gone above and beyond trying to make compromises, be the better person, etc. but this latest thing about her going on Mother's Day to visit a random off the internet after refusing to even come out to where I live was the final straw. It's like she expects my sister and me to no matter what just drop everything and do everything to help her recover emotionally but when I have problems that involve emotions or whatever, she doesn't stay on the phone that long maybe a minute or two before saying, "Gotta go I'm busy" But in the past she has kept me on the phone for HOURS behind these assholes that she marries. Enough already!

I do not feel genuinely loved by her at all because all she does is try to just talk to me when she needs something and then comes up with excuse after excuse why she can't spend time together. I left my hometown when I was 27 and now I'm in my early 30s and she's in her early 60s so whatever. She's angry at me because I decided to leave my hometown and whatnot. Even when I moved out on my own at 21 and was only a 30 minute drive away, I can count on one hand how many times she came by to visit and I was ALWAYS the one visiting. Then suddenly her bitchass husband number 3 was complaining that I was visiting too much and she was basically then telling me to come by less, because that loser told her. She used to talk shit that no man would rip the family apart and that's exactly what happened, so whatever! I'm done

SeventeenDayze said:

Spinlight said:

Interesting perspective. I wonder what causes this kind of disassociation? I suppose I take my relationship for granted because I certainly would never expect this kind of behavior from my ma. I know not all moms are made alike, but how can you not be maternal? Dick over your own daughter? Cuz it makes you feel good? Yikes. That sounds shockingly disrespectful and ungrateful.

Spin has it right...I've gone above and beyond trying to make compromises, be the better person, etc. but this latest thing about her going on Mother's Day to visit a random off the internet after refusing to even come out to where I live was the final straw. It's like she expects my sister and me to no matter what just drop everything and do everything to help her recover emotionally but when I have problems that involve emotions or whatever, she doesn't stay on the phone that long maybe a minute or two before saying, "Gotta go I'm busy" But in the past she has kept me on the phone for HOURS behind these assholes that she marries. Enough already!

I do not feel genuinely loved by her at all because all she does is try to just talk to me when she needs something and then comes up with excuse after excuse why she can't spend time together. I left my hometown when I was 27 and now I'm in my early 30s and she's in her early 60s so whatever. She's angry at me because I decided to leave my hometown and whatnot. Even when I moved out on my own at 21 and was only a 30 minute drive away, I can count on one hand how many times she came by to visit and I was ALWAYS the one visiting. Then suddenly her bitchass husband number 3 was complaining that I was visiting too much and she was basically then telling me to come by less, because that loser told her. She used to talk shit that no man would rip the family apart and that's exactly what happened, so whatever! I'm done

Interesting, with that attitude you are just as much responsible for the problem of this situation as your mom is, you can only blame yourself for your fucked up relatioship wth your mom.

As for me, my relationship is only getting better and better.

paintedlady said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Spin has it right...I've gone above and beyond trying to make compromises, be the better person, etc. but this latest thing about her going on Mother's Day to visit a random off the internet after refusing to even come out to where I live was the final straw. It's like she expects my sister and me to no matter what just drop everything and do everything to help her recover emotionally but when I have problems that involve emotions or whatever, she doesn't stay on the phone that long maybe a minute or two before saying, "Gotta go I'm busy" But in the past she has kept me on the phone for HOURS behind these assholes that she marries. Enough already!

I do not feel genuinely loved by her at all because all she does is try to just talk to me when she needs something and then comes up with excuse after excuse why she can't spend time together. I left my hometown when I was 27 and now I'm in my early 30s and she's in her early 60s so whatever. She's angry at me because I decided to leave my hometown and whatnot. Even when I moved out on my own at 21 and was only a 30 minute drive away, I can count on one hand how many times she came by to visit and I was ALWAYS the one visiting. Then suddenly her bitchass husband number 3 was complaining that I was visiting too much and she was basically then telling me to come by less, because that loser told her. She used to talk shit that no man would rip the family apart and that's exactly what happened, so whatever! I'm done

Interesting, with that attitude you are just as much responsible for the problem of this situation as your mom is, you can only blame yourself for your fucked up relatioship wth your mom.

As for me, my relationship is only getting better and better.

It seems like no matter what I post, you always attack my character or something to that affect. I hope you never have to know what this feels like to have your own mother pull a stunt like this. Please stop trolling me and no more Org notes either. Seems like you're becoming obsessed with my posts or something. Thanks and I will respond no further to you on any threads. Thanks.

I hope your mom is safe and though I can see why you're upset, both you and your mom are grown women and though it's hard to do, you just may have to back off and give her space to learn on her own she is making mistakes. It sounds draining trying to deal with her over and over, but you have your own life to deal with just as she does. Still keep in touch, and maybe you will grow closer later on, though you can't just be her counsellor either. I know you wish you could speak your mind and tell her what's on yours cause I agree with a lot of what paintedlady is saying about what she might be like, but she won't listen to you right now and it will lead to more problems.

alphastreet said:

I hope your mom is safe and though I can see why you're upset, both you and your mom are grown women and though it's hard to do, you just may have to back off and give her space to learn on her own she is making mistakes. It sounds draining trying to deal with her over and over, but you have your own life to deal with just as she does. Still keep in touch, and maybe you will grow closer later on, though you can't just be her counsellor either. I know you wish you could speak your mind and tell her what's on yours cause I agree with a lot of what paintedlady is saying about what she might be like, but she won't listen to you right now and it will lead to more problems.

Hey Alpha, yeah you're right. I guess it's just difficult considering stuff from the past but you're right. I just have to accept it totally and wholly for what it really is, instead of fretting over what it's "not" so to speak. I just pray that God gives me the chance to have a different "family" experience whether it's with a husband one day or if I have 99 cats! I really cannot see myself doing this to anyone that I love in the future. An internet stranger over family? Hell no!

Thanks, Alpha and others for listening to me here. I was really hurt by the whole thing but hopefully things will work out for the best. I just wish she wouldn't have pretended like she was gonna visit me in my city and then say she can't come. Then she turned around and spent money to visit some stranger, random on Mother's Day weekend and I haven't seen her in two years....yeah I was hurt by that one but not totally surprised....