imo, the only time we really fail in life is when we do not try. you tried hard to do what you thought would be best. it didn't work out the way you wanted it to but trying and not succeeding is NOT a 'failure'. good luck to you Dani. you're smart and determined. i think you will be okay and i'll that things work out well for all of you

First of all, I wish you the best of luck with the job, hope you get it.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's lying and laziness. He probably needs some psychological help if he's a pathological liar.

Regarding the joblessness, obviously there's a recession in the US so unemployment isn't anything to be ashamed of, but if he's not actively looking for jobs he has no excuse!

I'm currently unemployed myself but I go online every day to check for new job openings - I'm sending out between 5-10 applications (via e-mail or websites) every week.

If he has a decent looking CV highlighting his skills he shouldn't have much trouble getting a job interview - if not he can easily find a nice template for the CV - Google is your friend . It's not very hard work to apply for jobs these days.

Plus he should REALLY try to help around the house instead of playing video games all day.

Regarding whether you should split, I can't really give you much advice other than to try find a solution that's best suitable for you AND your kids.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

So, as it turns out I am married to a compulsive liar. 6 months into my marriage and I realize I am not married to who I thought I was, and that he lies to me all the time. It is about stupid stuff, but I have explained to him COUNTLESS times that I cannot stomach a liar.

Now I'm catching him in these lies, and now he has told me that he is a pathological liar.

I thought this guy was the ONE, but he is not even the guy I thought he was . You guys saw how happy I was. It was all based on lies.

So, anyway.....I am takingthe steps to do what I need to do.

Yet AGAIN.

I had a job interview yesterday morning for like, the job of a lifetime. Like, it's a GREAT PAYING JOB.....so we will see how that pans out.

I just really cannot believe this. I am embarrased to even say it, because I feel like a failure.

Ugh, well nyway thanks for listening guys.

I am sorry to see you are dealing with this sort of thing yet again. I do hope the two of you kind find a way to work things out, if not, then I hope you can get this awesome job and move forward for the sake of yourself and your beautiful kids.

Please don't think you have failed! We can't always help who we fall in love with, and as they say love is blind. Think more positive and think why was he brought into my life. There must have been some good in the relationship and in him, even if by chance what you thought was him was a lie.

I will be thinking of you and yours and sending positive thoughts.

Have you sought counseling?

Is there an underlying reason for his actions? Depression maybe?

Best of luck to you and your beautiful family.

Oh NO! this is so terrible.

I'm so sorry, please don't feel like a failure because that would undermind your truely loving nature. Just learn from it I guess.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am so very sorry Dani ! Give yourself time to make a proper decision and try to take good care of yourself in these difficult times !

Thanks for all the kind words and advice guys.

The talk with his mom went really well today, and she agrees with me that there is some deeperissue going on here, like maybe depression. I have thought of that and even asked him if maybe that was what was wrong a cople of times now.

Like, he has no motivation, is tired all the time, sometimes goes 2 days in a row without even getting dressed, sometimes seems to be in like a daze and is unresponsive. There is a history of depression in their family, so possible that is the problem/

Now, depression is no excuse for lying, but it would explain a lot.

We'll see, like I said I'm just doing what I have to do for the kids and myself at this time.

I do not nor have not relied on anyone else for a long time. My attitude is, hey I love you, of you love me to that's awesome, please join us (me and my children), if not theres the door. Because if you LOVE me, then you RESPECT me, if not, we do not need you around.

Sounds like he needs to be checked for depression. And fast.

As for the lying thing, just tell him to keep lying and then always believe the exact opposite of whatever he says!

As a single mother myself I completely understand how you got yourself into this. There is a strong hope there not only for ourselves but also for our children: to find the "one".

You can always ruin his life with child support payments if you have to!

minneapolisFunq said:

You can always ruin his life with child support payments if you have to!

How? He doesn't work as stated.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Thanks for all the kind words and advice guys.

The talk with his mom went really well today, and she agrees with me that there is some deeperissue going on here, like maybe depression. I have thought of that and even asked him if maybe that was what was wrong a cople of times now.

Like, he has no motivation, is tired all the time, sometimes goes 2 days in a row without even getting dressed, sometimes seems to be in like a daze and is unresponsive. There is a history of depression in their family, so possible that is the problem/

Now, depression is no excuse for lying, but it would explain a lot.

We'll see, like I said I'm just doing what I have to do for the kids and myself at this time.

I do not nor have not relied on anyone else for a long time. My attitude is, hey I love you, of you love me to that's awesome, please join us (me and my children), if not theres the door. Because if you LOVE me, then you RESPECT me, if not, we do not need you around.

Red flags big time. Like Rodeo said, he needs to see a professional, and quick.

You keep doing what you're doing for your kids.

Look, I'm really serious about getting him to see a doctor about depression. It's now basically the holidays, and bad things can happen to those who suffer from depression during this time of year.

If possible, don't waste any time.

Good luck!

Oh Dani I was so happy for you when you got married and you looked so happy in your wedding pics.

Was he doing this in the relationship prior to getting married?

I suggest marital counselling for both of you. If this is not for you, then it is up to you to take the next step if you choose.

Good luck

Im so sorry you are sad I just wanna say that I dont think you should chuck the whole relationship out the door without trying to work on it... people do stupid shit, but they can change... If he didnt beat you, or cheat on you and there is still love there, there is no reason to run for the hills yet... He may very well have some sort of psychological problem.. If he had cancer you wouldnt run away, no different for this..

To many marriages end in divorce because its easier to run off then work on it... If you still are in love with him, and on the surface you are mad as hell, so you have to look deeper to find that love, I would say you should at least try and work on this... Give him a chance to fix it... A pathological liar may not even know he's lying... the brain is wired differently... I hope you can find peace either way

Lying is the act of concealing the truth ^[4]. Most people do so out of fear.^[5] Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement, and progresses into the fantasy world and back.^[6]

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance, people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder, use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with Borderline personality disorder, lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.^[7] Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.^[8]

There are many consequences for being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most of their relationships and friendships fail. And, if it continues to progress, their lying could get them into trouble with the law.^[9]

Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done about pharmaceutical medication, to potentially help decrease patients lying.^[10] Some research has been done, that suggests some people may have a “predisposition to lying”.^[11]

Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon; differing from any other mental illness. It has many life changing consequences for those having to live with the illness. At this point, however, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying, to guarantee a cure.^[12]

tinaz said:

Im so sorry you are sad I just wanna say that I dont think you should chuck the whole relationship out the door without trying to work on it... people do stupid shit, but they can change... If he didnt beat you, or cheat on you and there is still love there, there is no reason to run for the hills yet... He may very well have some sort of psychological problem.. If he had cancer you wouldnt run away, no different for this..

To many marriages end in divorce because its easier to run off then work on it... If you still are in love with him, and on the surface you are mad as hell, so you have to look deeper to find that love, I would say you should at least try and work on this... Give him a chance to fix it... A pathological liar may not even know he's lying... the brain is wired differently... I hope you can find peace either way

Lying is the act of concealing the truth ^[4]. Most people do so out of fear.^[5] Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement, and progresses into the fantasy world and back.^[6]

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance, people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder, use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with Borderline personality disorder, lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.^[7] Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.^[8]

There are many consequences for being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most of their relationships and friendships fail. And, if it continues to progress, their lying could get them into trouble with the law.^[9]

Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done about pharmaceutical medication, to potentially help decrease patients lying.^[10] Some research has been done, that suggests some people may have a “predisposition to lying”.^[11]

Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon; differing from any other mental illness. It has many life changing consequences for those having to live with the illness. At this point, however, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying, to guarantee a cure.^[12]

all of it.

I talked to him about the depression yesterday and asked him to see a doctor. He said that no he is not depressed, and that he does not know what his mom and I are talking about.

I do believe if I push the issue though that he will go.

There are several different things going on here. There is a definite addiction to ps3. Mainly the MW and COD games. He admits this......his preordered special edition of MW3 is coming out at midnight Monday night, so I foresee a crappy couple months ahead.

Now I know a lot of people joke about ps3 on here, but this is beyond the point of just excessive playing. He has lost/quit jobs over it, and his previous marriage ended over it as well. (I was led to believe it was for other reasons previously but now know the truth). When he was working for those few months he worked 3 rd shift, I worked first. He would get out of bed 2 hrs before the kids had to be off the bus and played for those 2 hours, but I honestly did not care. We all deserve to do things we enjoy, and him playing ps to unwind was not a problem for me. It has become a huge problem in our marriage now though. It is part f the lying I've talked about, such as buying games and lying about it etc.

I guess what I'm wondering is, can depression stem from the video game addiction?

tinaz said:

Im so sorry you are sad I just wanna say that I dont think you should chuck the whole relationship out the door without trying to work on it... people do stupid shit, but they can change... If he didnt beat you, or cheat on you and there is still love there, there is no reason to run for the hills yet... He may very well have some sort of psychological problem.. If he had cancer you wouldnt run away, no different for this..

To many marriages end in divorce because its easier to run off then work on it... If you still are in love with him, and on the surface you are mad as hell, so you have to look deeper to find that love, I would say you should at least try and work on this... Give him a chance to fix it... A pathological liar may not even know he's lying... the brain is wired differently... I hope you can find peace either way

Lying is the act of concealing the truth ^[4]. Most people do so out of fear.^[5] Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement, and progresses into the fantasy world and back.^[6]

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance, people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder, use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with Borderline personality disorder, lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.^[7] Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.^[8]

There are many consequences for being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most of their relationships and friendships fail. And, if it continues to progress, their lying could get them into trouble with the law.^[9]

Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done about pharmaceutical medication, to potentially help decrease patients lying.^[10] Some research has been done, that suggests some people may have a “predisposition to lying”.^[11]

Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon; differing from any other mental illness. It has many life changing consequences for those having to live with the illness. At this point, however, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying, to guarantee a cure.^[12]

I do love him......atleast who I thought he was, and my marriage counselor used a comparison like the cancer one you used, and the answer is no I would not leave him over that, hence the reason I am working with him at this point, but at the same time preparing myself for the worst. I will not be a fool again, and can't be one when I have 3 children counting on me to make decisions that affect them.

Does he love me? He ACTS like it. But just knowing how I myself treat those I love......ya. I don't actually believe he loves me.

RodeoSchro said:

Look, I'm really serious about getting him to see a doctor about depression. It's now basically the holidays, and bad things can happen to those who suffer from depression during this time of year.

If possible, don't waste any time.

Good luck!

He can collect disability, if the doctor declares mental illness, right?

angel345 said:

RodeoSchro said:

Look, I'm really serious about getting him to see a doctor about depression. It's now basically the holidays, and bad things can happen to those who suffer from depression during this time of year.

If possible, don't waste any time.

Good luck!

He can collect disability, if the doctor declares mental illness, right?

After what you've said on the Texas judge thread to me, I'd thank you very much to no longer respond to my posts.

RodeoSchro said:

angel345 said:

He can collect disability, if the doctor declares mental illness, right?

After what you've said on the Texas judge thread to me, I'd thank you very much to no longer respond to my posts.

Wow!! Well, if that's what you want Maybe my tone was off.

He's a pathological liar as in he's been diagnosed as such or he's just yankin' your chain?

Perhaps counseling would help. Surely some of his behavior manifested itself in the time leading up to your marriage. People don't become liars overnight. Do they?

TotalANXiousNESS said:

tinaz said:

Im so sorry you are sad I just wanna say that I dont think you should chuck the whole relationship out the door without trying to work on it... people do stupid shit, but they can change... If he didnt beat you, or cheat on you and there is still love there, there is no reason to run for the hills yet... He may very well have some sort of psychological problem.. If he had cancer you wouldnt run away, no different for this..

To many marriages end in divorce because its easier to run off then work on it... If you still are in love with him, and on the surface you are mad as hell, so you have to look deeper to find that love, I would say you should at least try and work on this... Give him a chance to fix it... A pathological liar may not even know he's lying... the brain is wired differently... I hope you can find peace either way

Lying is the act of concealing the truth ^[4]. Most people do so out of fear.^[5] Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement, and progresses into the fantasy world and back.^[6]

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance, people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder, use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with Borderline personality disorder, lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.^[7] Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.^[8]

There are many consequences for being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most of their relationships and friendships fail. And, if it continues to progress, their lying could get them into trouble with the law.^[9]

Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done about pharmaceutical medication, to potentially help decrease patients lying.^[10] Some research has been done, that suggests some people may have a “predisposition to lying”.^[11]

Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon; differing from any other mental illness. It has many life changing consequences for those having to live with the illness. At this point, however, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying, to guarantee a cure.^[12]

I do love him......atleast who I thought he was, and my marriage counselor used a comparison like the cancer one you used, and the answer is no I would not leave him over that, hence the reason I am working with him at this point, but at the same time preparing myself for the worst. I will not be a fool again, and can't be one when I have 3 children counting on me to make decisions that affect them.

Does he love me? He ACTS like it. But just knowing how I myself treat those I love......ya. I don't actually believe he loves me.

It will all work out. No matter what you decide, it will be the best decision for you and your family as you seem like a wise and mature person. Trust your instincts and your heart.

RodeoSchro said:

angel345 said:

He can collect disability, if the doctor declares mental illness, right?

After what you've said on the Texas judge thread to me, I'd thank you very much to no longer respond to my posts.

ummmm....can I get a link to the thread?

TotalANXiousNESS said:

I talked to him about the depression yesterday and asked him to see a doctor. He said that no he is not depressed, and that he does not know what his mom and I are talking about.

I do believe if I push the issue though that he will go.

There are several different things going on here. There is a definite addiction to ps3. Mainly the MW and COD games. He admits this......his preordered special edition of MW3 is coming out at midnight Monday night, so I foresee a crappy couple months ahead.

Now I know a lot of people joke about ps3 on here, but this is beyond the point of just excessive playing. He has lost/quit jobs over it, and his previous marriage ended over it as well. (I was led to believe it was for other reasons previously but now know the truth). When he was working for those few months he worked 3 rd shift, I worked first. He would get out of bed 2 hrs before the kids had to be off the bus and played for those 2 hours, but I honestly did not care. We all deserve to do things we enjoy, and him playing ps to unwind was not a problem for me. It has become a huge problem in our marriage now though. It is part f the lying I've talked about, such as buying games and lying about it etc.

I guess what I'm wondering is, can depression stem from the video game addiction?

No mama, it's the other way around: depression stems from issues within, sometimes from a trauma, or emotional issues or wounds that haven't been resolved. Addiction is about an attempt to fill a void and mask the emptiness when one is unhappy or unfulfilled as a result of these unresolved inner demons. Addiction is normally one of the by-products of depression.

My guess is that the video game addiction is being used as a coping mechanism for the depression. He's got to get to the root of why he can't do or see anything beyond these games. Something else is at the root of this and he will have to face it sooner or later before his life collapses entirely. He has got to learn that his current way of "coping" with whatever is bothering him or he's trying to soothe within himself is not working anymore. It's interrupting his life, stripping him of his abilities to fulfill his emotional and financial obligations to his loved ones, & tearing his family apart. Unless he wants to hit rock bottom where he ends up alone, miserable, homeless with nothing to hold onto other than his PS3, he will have to actively seek help to turn this around. Ruin is right around the corner for him if steps are not taken soon.

Since you already know there are going to be some crappy months ahead, cut that off at the pass and have him get his butt to a specialist ASAP.

luv4u said:

Oh Dani I was so happy for you when you got married and you looked so happy in your wedding pics.

Was he doing this in the relationship prior to getting married?

I suggest marital counselling for both of you. If this is not for you, then it is up to you to take the next step if you choose.

Good luck

In addition to the counseling, I agree with Rodeo that he will likely need to see a psychotherapist to get to the root of this stronghold over him. It sounds like he will definitely have to do some work on his own in addition to the counseling they're already getting as a couple .

TotalANXiousNESS said:

We'll see. I dunno where this is taking us. Things are obviously not great between us right now....but he is not like my ex. He basically does whatever he can to try to passify (sp?) me.....there are no crazy arguements in front of the kids or anything. I know that he does love me. There is some sort of underlying issue going on here. We are in counseling. I am having linch with his mom tom to kinda talk to her about it. His parents are well aware of what is going on.

On top of it all he will not work. So I have to. Okay fine. But I am not going to work while he watches movies and plays playstation all day. The whole household is going without, not because he CAN'T work, but because he won't. I've been loving through all of it, no harping.....because in all other areas he is wonderful......but once the LYING started.....no.....he is not gonna deisrepect me that way AND freeload like I'm his mother on top of it.

I just don't know. I just don't.

1. on top of it all he will not work. So I have to

>you will know when you are tired of this and move on with your life

2. i work while he watches movies and plays playstation all day

>you will know when you are tired of this and move on

3. the whole household is going without

>you will know when you are tired

4. the lying

>you will know

i applaud you for your openess and courage in discussing this issue with me/us. i kept repeating "you will know" because deep inside you have the answers. most importantly, you above all know that living continually in an unhappy home environment can effect a person's emotional, mental and especially physical well-being.

too many of my friends have been there and done that. one of my friends tried to hang in there for years too many.

i watched as she:

1. started having serious issues at work to the point of almost getting terminated

2. started sleeping all the time (she confided that she even napped during her lunch hour)

3. sometimes became disoriented-told me, "one evening driving home from work (of 10yrs +) got lost

4. stopped taking out time quality for her kids, only did the necessary stuff, i.e. cooking, cleaning, etc. no homework help. fewer week end outings

5. suffered the frustrations of his unemployment caused alot of arguing and tension within the home in front of kids

6. got her credit got bashed because he started writing nsf checks out of her checkbook (he was dropped by the bank). he kept lying and denying evading blame.

7. had to file banckruptcy to keep her and her kids from becoming homeless

finally she knew and moved on without him. she is now a better, brighter, more positive and happy person.

(this lady is one of my closest friends and would not mind my sharing her story.)

TotalANXiousNE
SS¤

you will know!

+ r u

[Edited 11/5/11 8:44am]

Hey guys. Well I got a call the other day and I didn't get the job. I should have known they would give it to someone more experienced....but oh well thats the way it goes.

Right now I am supporting us the best I can with my Mary Kay....I dedicate a lot of my time to that, and so if I just keep pushing I know I will be a success.

Todd had an interview and has a second interview Monday, so hopefully........

Does anyone have their tree up yet?

free2bfreeda said:

TotalANXiousNESS said:

We'll see. I dunno where this is taking us. Things are obviously not great between us right now....but he is not like my ex. He basically does whatever he can to try to passify (sp?) me.....there are no crazy arguements in front of the kids or anything. I know that he does love me. There is some sort of underlying issue going on here. We are in counseling. I am having linch with his mom tom to kinda talk to her about it. His parents are well aware of what is going on.

On top of it all he will not work. So I have to. Okay fine. But I am not going to work while he watches movies and plays playstation all day. The whole household is going without, not because he CAN'T work, but because he won't. I've been loving through all of it, no harping.....because in all other areas he is wonderful......but once the LYING started.....no.....he is not gonna deisrepect me that way AND freeload like I'm his mother on top of it.

I just don't know. I just don't.

1. on top of it all he will not work. So I have to

>you will know when you are tired of this and move on with your life

2. i work while he watches movies and plays playstation all day

>you will know when you are tired of this and move on

3. the whole household is going without

>you will know when you are tired

4. the lying

>you will know

i applaud you for your openess and courage in discussing this issue with me/us. i kept repeating "you will know" because deep inside you have the answers. most importantly, you above all know that living continually in an unhappy home environment can effect a person's emotional, mental and especially physical well-being.

too many of my friends have been there and done that. one of my friends tried to hang in there for years too many.

i watched as she:

1. started having serious issues at work to the point of almost getting terminated

2. started sleeping all the time (she confided that she even napped during her lunch hour)

3. sometimes became disoriented-told me, "one evening driving home from work (of 10yrs +) got lost

4. stopped taking out time quality for her kids, only did the necessary stuff, i.e. cooking, cleaning, etc. no homework help. fewer week end outings

5. suffered the frustrations of his unemployment caused alot of arguing and tension within the home in front of kids

6. got her credit got bashed because he started writing nsf checks out of her checkbook (he was dropped by the bank). he kept lying and denying evading blame.

7. had to file banckruptcy to keep her and her kids from becoming homeless

finally she knew and moved on without him. she is now a better, brighter, more positive and happy person.

(this lady is one of my closest friends and would not mind my sharing her story.)

TotalANXiousNE
SS¤

you will know!

+ r u

"There is something healthy and invigorating about direct action." - Henry Miller

[Edited 11/5/11 8:44am]

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Hey guys. Well I got a call the other day and I didn't get the job. I should have known they would give it to someone more experienced....but oh well thats the way it goes.

Right now I am supporting us the best I can with my Mary Kay....I dedicate a lot of my time to that, and so if I just keep pushing I know I will be a success.

Todd had an interview and has a second interview Monday, so hopefully........

Does anyone have their tree up yet?

Are we talking X-mas tree? If so not yet, probably the day after Thanksgiving.