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From suicidal to rude again....what should I do? I'm going to try to make a really long story as short as possible but need advice about what to do about someone in my immediate family. Things in my family seemed to be okay up until I started to do stuff like finish school, travel and dumped a guy who was no good. Then...things started to change. I fell on hard times and this family member in particular was only "helpful" for a short period of time (I'm talking a few weeks) before basically making it clear they didn't want me around. When I was basically with no place to live, no car, no job and struggling to get a job, they ignored me. Even going out of her way to make sure I wasn't invited to certain family functions. It was really eye-opening. Basically the relationship is lukewarm but I don't hear from them very often. They even sent me a birthday card a month late.
[Edited 10/25/11 21:45pm] Trolls be gone! | |
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It's terribe being ignored after talking about feeling suicidal, but if this relative is truly going through it, talking about it is healthier than keeping it inside though some withdraw again after opening up, and if it's not real, then that's terrible. She chose to seperate herself from you and I think the most you can do is provide her with the tools to help herself which you did, but not bring it upon yourself to solve her problems. You can always say the child is welcome to stay with you for a little bit, but not to rely on you and to agree to get help first if it's for real. Or if she feels she is getting evicted, the family can always go to a shelter where they will assign them a time period to stay there while they are setting up social assistance or whatever they need. Give her the suicidal line too and a hotline if urges hit her hard, cause you will not always be there, and those resources are 24 hours. [Edited 10/25/11 22:08pm] | |
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Thanks alpha, yeah the day after the 2-hour convo, I gave her several names and phone numbers of places to get assistance. I also made it a point to follow-up with this relative to see if they had called and they said they didn't call because they were busy with moving....doesn't make sense. Just really hurts to think that the whole thing was just an act, probably aiming to get me to suggest moving back there. HELL NO. I remember once when I lived with her for those few weeks, she invited some random person from a dating site over for dinner, fixed dinner, sat down with her kid, this random person and seeing me sitting in the living room didn't say ONE WORD about inviting me to eat with them, it was the worst feeling...At one point her kid told me that she was even going to throw away souvenirs that I had brought back from Europe until he stopped her.... Trolls be gone! | |
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She sounds very undeserving and ungrateful, what is she so upset about? Is she having issues with other family members too? So where is she moving now? I know it's harsh , but you deserve to live a peaceful life and her moving in at this point with you is too chaotic. If she has to leave, she has to find a shelter or a friend to stay with, if she has any left at this point. Has she ever apologized to you or said anything about the past or have you brought it up before? Maybe she wants to reconnect, though I think it's better that there is a resolution before getting close like that again,cause that will make things worse [Edited 10/25/11 22:53pm] | |
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Looks like she needs family counsel, do not take on her child unless CPS takes custody... you can be a legal guardian... otherwise it gets messy and you may be accused of tearing their family apart. Do NOT take a child in that you have not seen in years unless there is no other choice. That child needs stability and mom kept you from knowing her child.
That family unit needs to stay together and work together with the resources that can actually help them and not enable them to stay in that "hole"... tough love is good love in this situation. So show her where the resources are and help her to go to the shelter... find out information on support services and parent/suicidal hotlines because she sounds like a hot mess and I think she needs professionals to give her help she needs to fix things.
Love her, but at a distance, support her but do not take on her burden. Help her to help herself. She sounds depressed and she may need a doctor to help her through this.
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She said she's upset because she's now living with her mother again and frequently complains about how they fight over small stuff. She also admitted that she has no money management skills (she's bad with her money). Aside from a letter she wrote about 10 years ago apologizing for stuff that happened way before that, there's never been an apology. It seems like she has jealousy issues with me or something. A few years ago I kept asking her, "If I did something wrong to you can you please tell me what it is instead of holding a grudge?" Her answer? No, you haven't done anything....makes no sense! Trolls be gone! | |
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Now just found out that they have been "permanently borrowing" some of my stuff that they found when unpacking some boxes. When I asked them about it they said, "It's not like you would have known anyway"....oh I see, go from wanting to "kill yourself" to wanting to steal my stuff and then act like you could care less when I call you out on it....sometimes I really wonder why I haven't cussed them out at this point, but I know it won't change anything... Trolls be gone! | |
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Is this the cousin you mentioned a few months ago or was that a different orger?
This sounds like a manipulative person with poor coping skills and a problem respecting boundaries. She is going to have to be willing to get professional help because she hasn't accepted the fact that she needs to change.
At this stage I wouldn't get myself entagled to the point of moving back there or taking responsibility for her kid. It's fine to provide a listening ear and moral support, but I would hear her out and then repeatedly suggest that she get counseling to deal with her issues.
I hope things work out.
Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise. | |
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Hey Babynoz....no, this isn't a cousin, it's a sibling....making it much worse. My only sibling at that. Yeah, I was really pissed off and they were so IDGAF about it, which really was the final straw...I didn't realize that another Orger posted something similar to this thread. Sad indeed... [Edited 10/31/11 17:41pm] Trolls be gone! | |
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Oh, okay...I was thinking of another person.
Since it's a sibling, are there other people within the family or close friends who could help you convince her that she's not dealing with her issues in a constructive way? The situation seems like a lot to manage without support. Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise. | |
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That's good advice but my family is ridiculously small and live far apart. We're really a rare and bizarre lot in that sense. Have never had a family reunion, people get married and you have to hear about it after the fact, type of thing...Hard to explain but sometimes I think we're a lost cause. When I hear people say on TV or whatever that family is the most important thing, I'm like, "yeah whatever, not the case with mine I think..."
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I totally get it because we have a similar family structure. Small, spread out family that doesn't really keep in touch. I always wished for a large, close knit family.
Not having that strong network of family support is all the more reason she really should look into counseling. Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise. | |
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Were those boxes left behind when you moved out? How did it get there? | |
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She basically got behind on her rent (facing eviction) and begged our mom to get an apartment with her. Even though the three of us shared a storage garage together, I had left certain things inside my mom's place when I moved away, so that the sibling would not have access to it. While my mom was unpacking boxes at this new apartment last week, the sibling saw this one item in particular (that I knew she would take if she ever saw it). (Thus the reason it was at my mom's place and not in the common storage area that the three of us shared)
Both she and my mother knew it belonged to me but my mother said that soon afterwards it wasn't in the place that my mother left it to make sure that I got it. When I moved away I had to leave a lot of stuff behind because I basically left ASAP and didn't have time or money to move everything I owned across the country but hoped that I could soon go back and get it.
The point is---don't call me all suicidal and "depressed" one minute then with a straight face steal from me and then act like you don't give a damn! If that's not low-down and dirty, I don't know what is.
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I don't know what to tell you, but I really feel for you. | |
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Thanks Alpha, I appreciate it I told her the last time we had a long talk that she needs to call certain hotlines and whatnot and found a lot of info for her, which she hasn't used....it's really sad Trolls be gone! | |
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You know how the cliche goes, you can bring a horse the the water, but can't force it to drink | |
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Yeah, so it goes back to the point you made earlier...some people just like making others feel bad for whatever reason. I think there's jealousy and a grudge being held. I have even asked her, "Have I done anything to you to make you feel so angry at me?" and she says no. It's just weird, it's like she can't decide if she hates me or not so basically from one day to the next it's a different extreme or another.
This is why I'm glad to have a dog Trolls be gone! | |
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Now that I think about it, is she AWARE she is making you feel like this even though you have addressed it with her in a letter? Maybe she is very self-absorbed and oblivious to what she is doing, without considering others feelings. Maybe there is narcissm? I'm not calling her those things, cause I don't know her and she is your only sibling regardless of what's going on. What kind of differences do you both have in your lifestyles that you think she may not be taking well? | |
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From what other relatives have told me in the past, they think it's jealousy because I've (by the grace of God and a crapload of student debt) finished college (which she hasn't done yet). A while back, she even stole the license plate that I got at graduation that they passed out to all the grads (with a car or not). It says "Alumni" and "XYZ University" After I moved away she went into the storage area, took the license plate (not sure how she found it) and put it on her car. I found out about it later and didn't say anything at first but then was like. By the way, you know you could have asked me for that and considering that it's something that I got on my actual graduation day, I wasn't too happy she did that....she later gave it back... Trolls be gone! | |
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That's good she gave it back, is she still in college or struggling to finish, possibly for other reasons? If relatives are saying it's jealousy, there is a chance that they may be right if she whined about wishing she was where you were or some slip of the tongue.
And cats and dogs make the best companions I agree | |
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Well, I don't know a family yet that doesn't have some sibling rivalry. I could tell you some stories of my own . However, all I can say is do what you can to assist her, but at the same time keep your sanity and your own place. Collect your belongings as soon as possible. I hope it works out for you and the family | |
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It's crazy because no matter how much I tell her that I'm WORSE OFF financially than ever because of the recession that having these degrees really doesn't amount to much. I remind her that she's lucky because she works full-time (I scrape by with what I make from freelance work). When I was having that two-hour convo with her a while back, I was as supportive as I could be. But her stealing my stuff and basically being nowhere when I was in much worse shape than she ever was or will be is the final straw. I'm not going to talk to her for a while after this... Trolls be gone! | |
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