alphastreet said:

I am completely over clubbing now, too much physical pain and headaches. I gave up on going often sometimes in my late teens, and then only liked it occasionally, but even that was such a headache though it could change. Maybe just the people I go with make it annoying cause of not having the same taste.

I wanted someone to talk to as well, not someone who wanted me like that all the time and me having needs too and using my weaknesses to get closer.

One of the startling things that I learned was of the hormone oxytocin and that for many woman

sex with a man changes their feelings for that man. They become attached to him even if they did

not really feel that into him before sex. I definitely have a lot of this hormone in my system after

sex because more than once I went to bed with a man that was just O.K. and woke up with one that

I thought was kind of cute or really cute! I guess there are some women that don't have this

oxytocin issue and they can have one night stands without ever looking back or hoping to get a

phone call, but I can not. One guy was so very not my type and the sex was not great either and

yet when I saw him out and about afterwards I had this little feeling of wanting some sort of spark

to happen. Jimmy was the last person on this Earth to be in a relationship with and yet my heart

sort of went there for a moment.

Marriage/ commitment and long term relationships all sound lovely but they are like any

contract or deal, you need to go into it without rose colored glasses on. I think people who are

happy in such relationships know their strengths and weaknesses and know what they can and

can not change about themselves and are pretty upfront about that to perspective mates. They

are also honest with themselves about what their deal-breakers are and what type of flaws in a

mate they can actually tolerate.

For me having sex puts on my rose colored glasses and I start lying to myself and also can no

longer see bright red flags as easily as before. With my rose colored glasses on I am more willing

to believe bold face lies as well.

So, although I would love to have a very active sex life I shudder at the thought of where this

might lead me emotionally. I know I do not have what it takes to be a fuck buddy or a swinger of

any kind.

[Edited 10/3/11 8:49am]

Deadflow3r said:

alphastreet said:

I am completely over clubbing now, too much physical pain and headaches. I gave up on going often sometimes in my late teens, and then only liked it occasionally, but even that was such a headache though it could change. Maybe just the people I go with make it annoying cause of not having the same taste.

I wanted someone to talk to as well, not someone who wanted me like that all the time and me having needs too and using my weaknesses to get closer.

One of the startling things that I learned was of the hormone oxytocin and that for many woman

sex with a man changes their feelings for that man. They become attached to him even if they did

not really feel that into him before sex. I definitely have a lot of this hormone in my system after

sex because more than once I went to bed with a man that was just O.K. and woke up with one that

I thought was kind of cute or really cute! I guess there are some women that don't have this

oxytocin issue and they can have one night stands without ever looking back or hoping to get a

phone call, but I can not. One guy was so very not my type and the sex was not great either and

yet when I saw him out and about afterwards I had this little feeling of wanting some sort of spark

to happen. Jimmy was the last person on this Earth to be in a relationship with and yet my heart

sort of went there for a moment.

Marriage/ commitment and long term relationships all sound lovely but they are like any

contract or deal, you need to go into it without rose colored glasses on. I think people who are

happy in such relationships know their strengths and weaknesses and know what they can and

can not change about themselves and are pretty upfront about that to perspective mates. They

are also honest with themselves about what their deal-breakers are and what type of flaws in a

mate they can actually tolerate.

For me having sex puts on my rose colored glasses and I start lying to myself and also can no

longer see bright red flags as easily as before. With my rose colored glasses on I am more willing

to believe bold face lies as well.

So, although I would love to have a very active sex life I shudder at the thought of where this

might lead me emotionally. I know I do not have what it takes to be a fuck buddy or a swinger of

any kind.

[Edited 10/3/11 8:49am]

I have always fallen in love with men I've had sex with, or at least THOUGHT I did.

We are hormone hostages!

I have also fallen in love without/before sex too but although there may have been no sex (yet) there was still physical affection and intimacy. I think it's the skin on skin closeness that sets the hormones off running.

I would prefer self respect over continuing to talk to who it did not work out with considering what happened, but even though I don't find him attractive and he was a liar and everything, I do have weak hormones myself and needs, we all do and it feels sexy imagining the moments but replacing itwith someone else, though also improtant to realize that it may not necessarily be from the guy....we have the right to jack off as much as the y-chromosome species

And that feeling of feeling love is infatuation, and more short term than love, like a natural high or hormones into overdrive....it's CRAZY

It's good you know your limits too and what it can do to you emotionally, I'm sort of in the same boat.

[Edited 10/4/11 3:58am]

Deadflow3r said:

inia said:

No, it ain't bad or weird to feel that way. I'm in my late 20s and feel the same.

Except in that only marriage is what makes me feel that way, not necessarily long-term relationship or committment.

I've never had any fantasies about married life or raising kids.

Frankly, I'm even afraid of the possibility that I might end up wanting to get married

I mean, we never know what we would feel at a certain point in our lives, let alone what others would.

Sometimes, I do think I'm too selfish or hedonistic to make "that joyful sacrifice" (as in Mary J. Blige joint called "It's On")

But it's not that I'm feeling guilty about it. It's just the way I look at myself, like standing in front of the mirror and facing the real, barenaked me.

I have this small fear, tho. I hope some of you can shed a light on it.

Not trying to hijack this thread or anything cuz I believe it has something to do with the entire thread.

OK, here's the thing.

If I'm in, like, in my late 30s or early 40s.

And I go out and date a man with no promise of marriage, then, the guy is more likely to treat me with any less deep, true respect?

I mean, even if he might not show it to me or any one else,

he thinks, deep down, I'm more like a fuck buddy whom he doesn't have to feel attached to?

Again, for emphasis, he's not abusive physically and/or emotionally in this scenario.

What I'm saying is that it would be just the way he feels about me, if he's really honest with himself.

[Edited 10/3/11 4:48am]

[Edited 10/3/11 4:54am]

[Edited 10/3/11 4:55am]

I am not a scientist (sociologist or psychologist) of any kind so I am just talking pure opinion here. I think that the fact that you are not looking for more is in your advantage. I think that there are very many men that keep a woman on their back burner, so to speak, because she thinks that she has a chance at marriage eventually. I think women are much more desperate for marriage at around your age then men are and men use that. You not having that Achilles heel changes the game a bit for them. I would think they'd get it that you had know motive for putting up with sorry-ass behavior because you were not feeling the ticking clock. Maybe you would make an excellent fuck buddy but if that isn't what you want you just have to make that clear.

[Edited 10/3/11 8:47am]

Thanks for the response

I really don't know what my life would be like at that point when it comes to marrital status/relationship, but I'd have to make it clear that I don't wanna be no casual fuck buddy.

Back closer to the topic at hand,.....

I don't have fears about growing old not married.

Sometimes, those who tell me about the perils of single life, they usually give me a heartfelt warning like, "What if you might feel lonely and isolated when you reach a certain age without marriage? Who would be there to take care of you when you're ill?"

Their concerns sound reasonable and I know it's not that they're just preaching with no love or whatsoever. But if I continue to make up mind not to get married, then, those things would have to be just what they are: the burden I have to bear.

You can't have your cake and eat it, too, let alone having many options.

There'll always be that road not taken that leaves you longing.

inia said:

Deadflow3r said:

I am not a scientist (sociologist or psychologist) of any kind so I am just talking pure opinion here. I think that the fact that you are not looking for more is in your advantage. I think that there are very many men that keep a woman on their back burner, so to speak, because she thinks that she has a chance at marriage eventually. I think women are much more desperate for marriage at around your age then men are and men use that. You not having that Achilles heel changes the game a bit for them. I would think they'd get it that you had know motive for putting up with sorry-ass behavior because you were not feeling the ticking clock. Maybe you would make an excellent fuck buddy but if that isn't what you want you just have to make that clear.

[Edited 10/3/11 8:47am]

Thanks for the response

I really don't know what my life would be like at that point when it comes to marrital status/relationship, but I'd have to make it clear that I don't wanna be no casual fuck buddy.

Back closer to the topic at hand,.....

I don't have fears about growing old not married.

Sometimes, those who tell me about the perils of single life, they usually give me a heartfelt warning like, "What if you might feel lonely and isolated when you reach a certain age without marriage? Who would be there to take care of you when you're ill?"

Their concerns sound reasonable and I know it's not that they're just preaching with no love or whatsoever. But if I continue to make up mind not to get married, then, those things would have to be just what they are: the burden I have to bear.

You can't have your cake and eat it, too, let alone having many options.

There'll always be that road not taken that leaves you longing.

Most of the couples I know of, the woman outlives the man. Therefore if she lives to past 75 and really does need some assistance, he is long gone. Elderly people in past decades often had children to take care of them. Now people often choose to move very far from their parents so when their parents need help the parents turn to assisted living. Being less than happy today in order to prevent being alone in the future is a faulty plan at best.

It seems like no matter how much I hold out for hope that not everything will have a horrible ending, it seems like this so-called nice guy I met the other day is nothing more than a wannabe gigalo. I think once he found out that I'm basically poor, he hasn't had much interest in hanging out and has said, "Yeah maybe I'll see you at this other event that I'm going to" I dunno, is sending me a link of an event he's going to a way of him wanting to see me there? I dunno, I really don't wanna figure a guy out. If he likes me, he should be up front about it. Sorry but can someone tell me where all the real men have gone? You know the guys who have a good work-ethic, respectful, etc. Should I have been around in the 50s or something? lol

SeventeenDayze said:

It seems like no matter how much I hold out for hope that not everything will have a horrible ending, it seems like this so-called nice guy I met the other day is nothing more than a wannabe gigalo. I think once he found out that I'm basically poor, he hasn't had much interest in hanging out and has said, "Yeah maybe I'll see you at this other event that I'm going to" I dunno, is sending me a link of an event he's going to a way of him wanting to see me there? I dunno, I really don't wanna figure a guy out. If he likes me, he should be up front about it. Sorry but can someone tell me where all the real men have gone? You know the guys who have a good work-ethic, respectful, etc. Should I have been around in the 50s or something? lol

I think you might have hit upon something. The woman's liberation movement hurt us and helped us at the same time.

Deadflow3r said:

SeventeenDayze said:

It seems like no matter how much I hold out for hope that not everything will have a horrible ending, it seems like this so-called nice guy I met the other day is nothing more than a wannabe gigalo. I think once he found out that I'm basically poor, he hasn't had much interest in hanging out and has said, "Yeah maybe I'll see you at this other event that I'm going to" I dunno, is sending me a link of an event he's going to a way of him wanting to see me there? I dunno, I really don't wanna figure a guy out. If he likes me, he should be up front about it. Sorry but can someone tell me where all the real men have gone? You know the guys who have a good work-ethic, respectful, etc. Should I have been around in the 50s or something? lol

I think you might have hit upon something. The woman's liberation movement hurt us and helped us at the same time.

You're right, I sincerely do not remember the last time that I met a guy who was employed, straight, friendly and not selfish or using a woman, and I have used all kinds of ways to meet guys...it's quite sad.

SeventeenDayze said:

It seems like no matter how much I hold out for hope that not everything will have a horrible ending, it seems like this so-called nice guy I met the other day is nothing more than a wannabe gigalo. I think once he found out that I'm basically poor, he hasn't had much interest in hanging out and has said, "Yeah maybe I'll see you at this other event that I'm going to" I dunno, is sending me a link of an event he's going to a way of him wanting to see me there? I dunno, I really don't wanna figure a guy out. If he likes me, he should be up front about it. Sorry but can someone tell me where all the real men have gone? You know the guys who have a good work-ethic, respectful, etc. Should I have been around in the 50s or something? lol

Girl I feel the exact way you do. These days, because there are way more single women than men, men don't work as hard to pursue women as they did, per se in the 50's. Back then, it was damn near a requirement to get married. Now, so many people choose to live together first. And then too, some women make it harder on women of quailty by putting up with any and everything from men. That's why you have to continue to stand firm and stick by your ideals of what you want and what you cannot put up with from men. I'm fucking fed up with the dating game right now. I've decided that I'm laying low and going to focus on me and continue to attend events (whether or not I have someone to go with me or now, shucks I've never had a problem going to events by myself) and enjoy myself. I'm going to be me, continue to get to know myself and maintain my confidence. It would be great to have a connection with a man who is sincere and respectful, but a man doesn't define my happiness. So that magical, mystical day will come when it comes, where I will meet the man who is sincere, respectful, hard working, courteous and wants to see me happy.

On second thought, this thread is too far gone for helpful hints

[Edited 10/5/11 19:08pm]

missfee said:

SeventeenDayze said:

It seems like no matter how much I hold out for hope that not everything will have a horrible ending, it seems like this so-called nice guy I met the other day is nothing more than a wannabe gigalo. I think once he found out that I'm basically poor, he hasn't had much interest in hanging out and has said, "Yeah maybe I'll see you at this other event that I'm going to" I dunno, is sending me a link of an event he's going to a way of him wanting to see me there? I dunno, I really don't wanna figure a guy out. If he likes me, he should be up front about it. Sorry but can someone tell me where all the real men have gone? You know the guys who have a good work-ethic, respectful, etc. Should I have been around in the 50s or something? lol

Girl I feel the exact way you do. These days, because there are way more single women than men, men don't work as hard to pursue women as they did, per se in the 50's. Back then, it was damn near a requirement to get married. Now, so many people choose to live together first. And then too, some women make it harder on women of quailty by putting up with any and everything from men. That's why you have to continue to stand firm and stick by your ideals of what you want and what you cannot put up with from men. I'm fucking fed up with the dating game right now. I've decided that I'm laying low and going to focus on me and continue to attend events (whether or not I have someone to go with me or now, shucks I've never had a problem going to events by myself) and enjoy myself. I'm going to be me, continue to get to know myself and maintain my confidence. It would be great to have a connection with a man who is sincere and respectful, but a man doesn't define my happiness. So that magical, mystical day will come when it comes, where I will meet the man who is sincere, respectful, hard working, courteous and wants to see me happy.

Ok I don't feel so bad now, LOL. I know that I can be a bit quirky but it just seems real sad how the dating world is so screwed up. I went to a dating event for singles a while back and some old bachelor there was talking to me about having multiple partners at once is so great and fulfilling--WTF. I've also had guys who I suspected were closet cases looking for a beard, sad. I've seen/heard countless stories of women who put up with the most ridiculous crap just to have a man. Don't laugh but even on the damn judge shows I've seen tons of women who meet a guy and a few weeks later give him thousands of dollars....one chick on there was giving a "separated" guy all her financial aid money from school so that he could file for divorce. Guess what? He didn't file and he stayed with his wife and never paid the other chick his money...

SeventeenDayze said:

I'm a chick who I think really is scared to death of any type of long-term, committed relationship. Is that weird or is it just the way things are now in society? I just really can't see myself being with a guy for longer than maybe a few years....I've only had one relationship that was longer than a year...all the others were a few weeks or months. Is that weird?

If you're weird then I'm weird and I don't want to be weird. We are normal. All those other ready to wed chicks are the weird ones. Truthfully, there aren't many quality men to pick from in terms of marriage or even procreating. What's left are the dudes you hit and quit. At least that's what I heard.

SeventeenDayze said:

missfee said:

Girl I feel the exact way you do. These days, because there are way more single women than men, men don't work as hard to pursue women as they did, per se in the 50's. Back then, it was damn near a requirement to get married. Now, so many people choose to live together first. And then too, some women make it harder on women of quailty by putting up with any and everything from men. That's why you have to continue to stand firm and stick by your ideals of what you want and what you cannot put up with from men. I'm fucking fed up with the dating game right now. I've decided that I'm laying low and going to focus on me and continue to attend events (whether or not I have someone to go with me or now, shucks I've never had a problem going to events by myself) and enjoy myself. I'm going to be me, continue to get to know myself and maintain my confidence. It would be great to have a connection with a man who is sincere and respectful, but a man doesn't define my happiness. So that magical, mystical day will come when it comes, where I will meet the man who is sincere, respectful, hard working, courteous and wants to see me happy.

Ok I don't feel so bad now, LOL. I know that I can be a bit quirky but it just seems real sad how the dating world is so screwed up. I went to a dating event for singles a while back and some old bachelor there was talking to me about having multiple partners at once is so great and fulfilling--WTF. I've also had guys who I suspected were closet cases looking for a beard, sad. I've seen/heard countless stories of women who put up with the most ridiculous crap just to have a man. Don't laugh but even on the damn judge shows I've seen tons of women who meet a guy and a few weeks later give him thousands of dollars....one chick on there was giving a "separated" guy all her financial aid money from school so that he could file for divorce. Guess what? He didn't file and he stayed with his wife and never paid the other chick his money...

No you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. It's normal. And thanks for telling me about your experience in that singles dating event. I had, at one time, considered going to one of those events, but the price I had to pay to attend is what kept me from attending. I just don't believe in paying someone to tell me how I should date. Same with buying them damn date help books too. It's all a waste of money that should be going towards gas for my car, groceries for my house, or hell some nice lingerie. But I do read dating articles, for free, on the Essence website. Some of them I agree with, such as the dating multiple men at one time deal, and other points they make, such as going online to dating sites, I don't agree with (for myself). I'm a bit old fashioned, I like to meet men in person that I date, I barely accept anyone hooking me up anymore. It irritates me because it never and I mean NEVER works out (for me). But the multiple dating thing, yeah its good because you don't put all your eggs in one basket and you have options as oppose to dating one man at a time. The problem is, there isn't a group of worthy men to date all at once. It's always going to be about 2 assholes, 1 dickhead, and the nice guy.

HotGritz said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I'm a chick who I think really is scared to death of any type of long-term, committed relationship. Is that weird or is it just the way things are now in society? I just really can't see myself being with a guy for longer than maybe a few years....I've only had one relationship that was longer than a year...all the others were a few weeks or months. Is that weird?

If you're weird then I'm weird and I don't want to be weird. We are normal. All those other ready to wed chicks are the weird ones. Truthfully, there aren't many quality men to pick from in terms of marriage or even procreating. What's left are the dudes you hit and quit. At least that's what I heard.

Im single and ready 2 quit and hit.........Hit me

missfee said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Ok I don't feel so bad now, LOL. I know that I can be a bit quirky but it just seems real sad how the dating world is so screwed up. I went to a dating event for singles a while back and some old bachelor there was talking to me about having multiple partners at once is so great and fulfilling--WTF. I've also had guys who I suspected were closet cases looking for a beard, sad. I've seen/heard countless stories of women who put up with the most ridiculous crap just to have a man. Don't laugh but even on the damn judge shows I've seen tons of women who meet a guy and a few weeks later give him thousands of dollars....one chick on there was giving a "separated" guy all her financial aid money from school so that he could file for divorce. Guess what? He didn't file and he stayed with his wife and never paid the other chick his money...

No you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. It's normal. And thanks for telling me about your experience in that singles dating event. I had, at one time, considered going to one of those events, but the price I had to pay to attend is what kept me from attending. I just don't believe in paying someone to tell me how I should date. Same with buying them damn date help books too. It's all a waste of money that should be going towards gas for my car, groceries for my house, or hell some nice lingerie. But I do read dating articles, for free, on the Essence website. Some of them I agree with, such as the dating multiple men at one time deal, and other points they make, such as going online to dating sites, I don't agree with (for myself). I'm a bit old fashioned, I like to meet men in person that I date, I barely accept anyone hooking me up anymore. It irritates me because it never and I mean NEVER works out (for me). But the multiple dating thing, yeah its good because you don't put all your eggs in one basket and you have options as oppose to dating one man at a time. The problem is, there isn't a group of worthy men to date all at once. It's always going to be about 2 assholes, 1 dickhead, and the nice guy.

Oh truss (not TRUST, truss) me that I did NOT pay for that event, it was free and a quick subway ride away, LOL! If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have bothered. The messed up thing about it was that there were of course more women than men and the few guys who seemed interested in me were NOT in my age group or looked like they hadn't seen sunlight in years, they just had these faces like they were hurt by sunlight or something! I guess I'll just keep listening to Maxwell songs and sip on a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon until a decent guy comes along. It seems like it's really just too late though.

I'm a black woman, so on top of everything else the numbers of available men are skewed (and screwed) for us moreso than other groups of women. I've dated/been interested in all races of men but when it comes to being seen beyond a jungle fever thing, it's more complicated. Case and point...one time I was out with a guy and it wasn't even a date or anything like that but he said, "Oh yeah, I've dated black girls before. One of them swore she wasn't loud n' ghetto but she ended up being loud n' ghetto"....I was tempted to crack a joke at his male patterned horeshoe baldness but I took the high road and made no comment...the guy was 40 years old and telling me stories bragging about his drinking exploits (not of the past) but of like a week or two ago? LOSER!

[Edited 10/5/11 17:41pm]

HotGritz said:

SeventeenDayze said:

I'm a chick who I think really is scared to death of any type of long-term, committed relationship. Is that weird or is it just the way things are now in society? I just really can't see myself being with a guy for longer than maybe a few years....I've only had one relationship that was longer than a year...all the others were a few weeks or months. Is that weird?

If you're weird then I'm weird and I don't want to be weird. We are normal. All those other ready to wed chicks are the weird ones. Truthfully, there aren't many quality men to pick from in terms of marriage or even procreating. What's left are the dudes you hit and quit. At least that's what I heard.

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

Now, word out on the street is there aren't any quality men to pick from...but I refuse to believe that. I believe there are quality men out there, it's just very few. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

missfee said:

HotGritz said:

If you're weird then I'm weird and I don't want to be weird. We are normal. All those other ready to wed chicks are the weird ones. Truthfully, there aren't many quality men to pick from in terms of marriage or even procreating. What's left are the dudes you hit and quit. At least that's what I heard.

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

Now, word out on the street is there aren't any quality men to pick from...but I refuse to believe that. I believe there are quality men out there, it's just very few. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

Deadflow3r said:

missfee said:

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

Now, word out on the street is there aren't any quality men to pick from...but I refuse to believe that. I believe there are quality men out there, it's just very few. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

Hey sweety, I think I'm still young enough to have some mid-life crisis dude interested in me but the problem isn't my age, it's my mentality. I've been told even in my late teens and early 20s that I seemed like the type of girl who didn't take stuff off a guy. Doesn't mean that I have a chip on my shoulder but I just don't like wasting time. So, with that said, I've tried/attempted to get to know guys who were sometimes 20 years older than me and they were so stupid! LOL! A lot of them seemed to have the weakest game and they get bent out of shape that I didn't seem to be fawning all over them. Am I going to hide the fact that I'm educated? Nope...Will I hide the fact that I've been to other countries traveling solo? Hell Nope! I don't brag about it but if the dude asks me what have I done over the past few years, I'm gonna tell him. If that's all it takes to make him run and hide so be it because that tells me he woulda just crumbled if he would have ever seen me really angry or ready to handle up on my business when/if he should doublecross me, LOL!

Deadflow3r said:

missfee said:

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

Now, word out on the street is there aren't any quality men to pick from...but I refuse to believe that. I believe there are quality men out there, it's just very few. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

It's because the higher the education, the higher the income. These ladies are financially independent and don't need to put up with bullshit.

The ones that are financially and/or emotionally dependent accept more in order to stay toghether and divide the costs of daily life.

missfee said:

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

This makes me go like

SeventeenDayze said:

missfee said:

No you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. It's normal. And thanks for telling me about your experience in that singles dating event. I had, at one time, considered going to one of those events, but the price I had to pay to attend is what kept me from attending. I just don't believe in paying someone to tell me how I should date. Same with buying them damn date help books too. It's all a waste of money that should be going towards gas for my car, groceries for my house, or hell some nice lingerie. But I do read dating articles, for free, on the Essence website. Some of them I agree with, such as the dating multiple men at one time deal, and other points they make, such as going online to dating sites, I don't agree with (for myself). I'm a bit old fashioned, I like to meet men in person that I date, I barely accept anyone hooking me up anymore. It irritates me because it never and I mean NEVER works out (for me). But the multiple dating thing, yeah its good because you don't put all your eggs in one basket and you have options as oppose to dating one man at a time. The problem is, there isn't a group of worthy men to date all at once. It's always going to be about 2 assholes, 1 dickhead, and the nice guy.

Oh truss (not TRUST, truss) me that I did NOT pay for that event, it was free and a quick subway ride away, LOL! If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have bothered. The messed up thing about it was that there were of course more women than men and the few guys who seemed interested in me were NOT in my age group or looked like they hadn't seen sunlight in years, they just had these faces like they were hurt by sunlight or something! I guess I'll just keep listening to Maxwell songs and sip on a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon until a decent guy comes along. It seems like it's really just too late though.

I'm a black woman, so on top of everything else the numbers of available men are skewed (and screwed) for us moreso than other groups of women. I've dated/been interested in all races of men but when it comes to being seen beyond a jungle fever thing, it's more complicated. Case and point...one time I was out with a guy and it wasn't even a date or anything like that but he said, "Oh yeah, I've dated black girls before. One of them swore she wasn't loud n' ghetto but she ended up being loud n' ghetto"....I was tempted to crack a joke at his male patterned horeshoe baldness but I took the high road and made no comment...the guy was 40 years old and telling me stories bragging about his drinking exploits (not of the past) but of like a week or two ago? LOSER!

[Edited 10/5/11 17:41pm]

Oh my goodness

But wait didn't you say you are in your 30's? Then why do you feel like "it's really too late"? You are still young.

Deadflow3r said:

missfee said:

You right about those "ready to wed" chicks. They get real brand new when a wedding is involved.

Now, word out on the street is there aren't any quality men to pick from...but I refuse to believe that. I believe there are quality men out there, it's just very few. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

In my experience, I keep finding that men love to date psycho type women. You know the needy, attention whore grabbing, disrespectful, dependent and childish type. For the life of me, I don't get it, other than the fact they could be great in bed....but then again you can find any respectful, kind and courteous woman that is good in bed also. So no I still don't get it. I swear, the last few men I dated, the previous women they dated they claim were "crazy" and they got tired of their childishness, yet they dated these women for LONG periods of time. So if they were so childish, then why did they entertain these women for so long? Then when they come upon an independent woman like me, either they aren't interested (in a good woman) or they try to play games to see if I'll fall for it and when I don't and call them out on their shit, they act like "oh you're too serious". Please Since when did a grown ass mature woman become too much for men to handle?

[Edited 10/6/11 6:20am]

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey sweety, I think I'm still young enough to have some mid-life crisis dude interested in me but the problem isn't my age, it's my mentality. I've been told even in my late teens and early 20s that I seemed like the type of girl who didn't take stuff off a guy. Doesn't mean that I have a chip on my shoulder but I just don't like wasting time. So, with that said, I've tried/attempted to get to know guys who were sometimes 20 years older than me and they were so stupid! LOL! A lot of them seemed to have the weakest game and they get bent out of shape that I didn't seem to be fawning all over them. Am I going to hide the fact that I'm educated? Nope...Will I hide the fact that I've been to other countries traveling solo? Hell Nope! I don't brag about it but if the dude asks me what have I done over the past few years, I'm gonna tell him. If that's all it takes to make him run and hide so be it because that tells me he woulda just crumbled if he would have ever seen me really angry or ready to handle up on my business when/if he should doublecross me, LOL!

First let me say DON'T CALL ME SWEETY. I can not take being called that by anyone. I find it a condescending term and have written people off who had a habit of using it. Bitch, Motherfucker, asshole, are all better than being called sweety. Sweety is just so passive aggressive in my book.

Now having said that I can move on.

So you feel that instead of being inspired by your adventures he is actually intimidated by you?

Again, maybe Mr. Older Man was looking for Young and NotSoSmart and because you are fairly Young he took interest in you but unfortunately when it became obvious you were Smart he got a limp biscuit about the whole thing?

I just don't get why men don't want a woman who pushes them to be the best they can be. I am not saying change their very nature because we all have a core self. I don't want to change a man into a new person with different goals and dreams. However I am naive enough still to feel that 2 people together, if it is meant to be, are greater than each individually added up? That we should inspire each other to aim higher?

Sort of like when you get a crush on someone you start looking a tad better. I am not talking about changing your personal style to become "his type" but just stepping up your game a bit. There are men and women who, by just being around them, make you walk taller, be stronger and work harder. I imagine Michelle Obama to be such a person. I don't think that I could be around her and just slump around in my PJ style clothes.

So why run from that?

Did he think that you were going to make him travel when he really wasn't into it? Just because you travel doesn't mean (I hope) that you insist everyone else does it. I think it shows that you set goals for yourself and you achieve those goals. That you live up to your own expectations and dreams and to me being around you would inspire me to love up to mine. Mine do not include travel but it can still inpire me to make concrete plans to achieve my goals.

dJJ said:

Deadflow3r said:

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

It's because the higher the education, the higher the income. These ladies are financially independent and don't need to put up with bullshit.

The ones that are financially and/or emotionally dependent accept more in order to stay toghether and divide the costs of daily life.

dJJ said:

Deadflow3r said:

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

It's because the higher the education, the higher the income. These ladies are financially independent and don't need to put up with bullshit.

The ones that are financially and/or emotionally dependent accept more in order to stay toghether and divide the costs of daily life.

I get you. That need to put up with someone so that they can pay half the bills can be strong. I live on less than $17,000 a year and have a daughter so I know what you mean. However at the same time I can't stand endless bad behavior. My father was a man who was a poor choice for a husband. My mother stayed with him for 31 years. She left him when I was 21. I asked her to leave him when I was 9.

My mother's reasons for staying seem to revolve around what he could do. She was fearful of driving and he drove her places. He could fix plumbing, electrical and other house hold problems. He took absolutely no interest in any of his 3 children and was a fall down drunk who punched her. He worked on and off as a truck driver in construction. When he wasn't working he received unemployment.

I always felt it would have been better to just have less than to tolerate his rants, his anger and his total lack of interest in his children or his wife's life either.

I can not live like that. Thus my daughter's father and I did not stay together long.

dJJ said:

Deadflow3r said:

So what makes a man a "quality" kind of guy? ( I think we have at least one on the org that just got new shades )

Who are these men dating? Are they aiming too low?

I keep thinking of so many things.

Do men really prefer women that are clearly dumber then they are? Do they really want to breed with idiots? One of the things that I keep seeing is men chasing women that are not very bright.

Am I wrong here? I see more single ladies among the well educated and is that because they are more picky or because they are less attractive to men?

I have no interest in being an idiot or pretending that I do not have a strong opinion about something that I truly do have an opinion about.

When I see a man dating a women far younger than he is it may be because of her beauty but it also may be because he can talk rings around her and men may like that. She is not going to get into a debate, she just tell him how incredibly smart he is.

It's because the higher the education, the higher the income. These ladies are financially independent and don't need to put up with bullshit.

The ones that are financially and/or emotionally dependent accept more in order to stay toghether and divide the costs of daily life.

I think what you are saying is partially true, even tho I feel offended somehow by it

What I think may happen is when a woman seeks higher education, that becomes their life... They really seem to have not alot of interest in persuing their love life while working hard to get to where they wanna be... By the time they have achieved it, they are older, and with age comes being "set in your ways" Its harder to adjust to someone else and their problems let alone put up with bullshit...

You (and I dont mean "you") have to remember not everyone is perfect, you have to be willing to put up with things that if you had stayed single you would never have to deal with... And it works both ways.. Whose to say all these women are a prize?

Once you become invested in a relationship, IE: children, house, cars, etc.. Its just not that easy to back out, so you have to acceot certain things about your partner you dont really like... Im not saying women need to put up with ANY form of abuse, but I dont think thats what we are talking about here... In order to get the man you desire you must be willing to work on him, mould him if you will, and in time you will become what each other wants or expects... that is IF you love this person.. If you cant stand each other then there is no reason to carry on...

There is not one person who will be perfect in anyone's eyes right off the bat...

missfee said:

In my experience, I keep finding that men love to date psycho type women. You know the needy, attention whore grabbing, disrespectful, dependent and childish type. For the life of me, I don't get it, other than the fact they could be great in bed....but then again you can find any respectful, kind and courteous woman that is good in bed also. So no I still don't get it. I swear, the last few men I dated, the previous women they dated they claim were "crazy" and they got tired of their childishness, yet they dated these women for LONG periods of time. So if they were so childish, then why did they entertain these women for so long? Then when they come upon an independent woman like me, either they aren't interested (in a good woman) or they try to play games to see if I'll fall for it and when I don't and call them out on their shit, they act like "oh you're too serious". Please Since when did a grown ass mature woman become too much for men to handle?

[Edited 10/6/11 6:20am]

Now I see something. They don't want grown ass women because they don't want to be grown ass men! If you look at men before the whole rock and roll 60's they sort of wanted to grow up and be adults. Adolescents was not the ultimate goal. They wanted to be MEN and not boys.

After the late 60's it became cool for a 30 year old man to act like a 19 year old. That age got pushed up to 40 and beyond. It is now the goal to never grow up and live in some sort of extended adolescence. If it becomes clear that you have indeed grown up and left this teenage dream land then you threaten their stay there. You are "serious" and they are still joking around wth their life. By why do so many men want to treat life as just one long stupid joke?

I dated someone in their 30's and though I have some growing up to do emotionally, I was more emotionally mature than he was and could not believe he was not impressed with me bringing up stuff about respecting women, and not rushing things and trying to guilt trip me though it didn't work, and talking like he was his age one minute and acting like a desperate 13 year old the next. Like you guys, he would freak out if I ever talked about stuff on my own and he wanted to be with me forever and though it sounded hopeful in the beginning, there was no strong foundation at all and I felt very constrained and nothing changed when I brought my concerns up. Some mothers don't teach their sons manners and it shows up later on and then they look for us to be their mommy.

[Edited 10/6/11 6:42am]

So as im reading thru these posts here is the impression I am getting..

I am a STRONG woman, fuck you... I want things MY way, FUCK you... There is no compromise on ANYTHING, FUCK YOU...

To be honest, no man is going to like anyone with that attitude ladies... Even tho a guy may like some independence in their women, that attitude is a total turn off, I dont blame them for running... NOONE likes to be controlled and my impression of this thread is if its not your way, its NOway...

You may sit there and say, i dont need to put up with a man wanting me to be a homemaker, but yet, here you are complaining that you are not homemakers... Even though this is 2011 a man is still a man and men like to be the caretakers, and "most" women like to take care... I have no problem at ALL with women having careers, but this fuck all attitude just isnt gonna land you a husband... There always has to be one dominate person in a relationship, thats just how it is, so maybe instead of looking for manly men you should be looking for some guy who isnt as strong as you, a sensitive type...

Oh I'm aware of the whole compromise thing, but just learned for myself I'm too stubborn to change myself for anyone who comes my way, and some people can control you for having your own life. And guess what, sometimes you compromise very well and are balanced, but to them, they don't want 50-50 or 60-40 or whatever, some guys want 95-5 and so much attention, and that's not cool if they crucify you for having a life like family and friends and work. It's not sexy when you have no room to breathe.

And yeah, I made up my mind I don't want marriage and especially not kids, though I wonder what growing up lonely will be like later on. I can always room with someone cool

[Edited 10/6/11 7:18am]