except it would be rules for how to behave at a cookout? I need to get "creative" with some family members

Found it

SCNDLS

If you're coming for Thanksgiving Dinner, here are the damn rules!!!

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is there egg in it? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you will not be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not going to tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Junior to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

Here's a list from CNN's Roland Martin

If your child support payments are not up to date, your invite to the cookout has been revoked!

Off brand beer or sodas will get you two smacks upside your head & an immediate ejection from the cookout!

Wannabe rappers: we will not play your CD at the cookout. Only established acts who don’t cuss or shoot folks allowed

U can play ball after we eat. No musty azz folks are allowed near the food.

If you drop off your kids & leave, I’m calling Child Protectives Services for abandonment. Watch your own bad azz kids!

I know folks on a health kick, but if I say get some bread, that’s WHITE bread! Brisket & multigrain don’t work!

If your stingy azz brought some meat, that don’t mean only u get to eat it. One pit, one family!

Sisters, if your new man comes by & looks one of my nieces up & down, all the men are whuppin’ his azz. Got it?

If you are a smoker, you better quit 3 days before the cookout. We don’t want to smell nicotine all in your clothes!

If you have not previously been certified by my mama, your potato salad & cole slaw cannot be put in the rotation.

To anybody who owes me money: hell no you are not welcome to the family cookout!

We have an old school cookout. If it’s time to play Scrabble, we want the board game w/real tiles, not your iPad!

The recliner is for daddy, mama, big mama or paw paw. U sit in it as long as they aren’t there. 1 show up, u azz up!

If you are divorced & we never liked u, your sister Pam can drop the kids off & pick them up.

If u are in a multilevel marketing program, & u try to pull a brochure out, u will be forcibly removed by the ex-felon.

And when Big Al Carson’s “Take Your Drunk Ass Home” is played, I mean it. TAKE Y’ALL’S DRUNK ASSES HOME! BOOM!

Here are some more

1. No more than 2 drinks
2. Keep an eye on your OWN kids
3. No, you can't take a "to go" plate
4. No wife-beater shirts, booty shorts
5. No wasting sodas, if you take it...drink it!
6. No licking your fingers then touching the food
7. No bringing somebody else's husband/wife as a date
8. No funking up the bathroom, if you gotta poo GO HOME
9. No complaining about the potato salad, it's free to you dammit!
10. No attention wh0res, despite what you think it's NOT all about you

SCNDLS said:

Here are some more

1. No more than 2 drinks
2. Keep an eye on your OWN kids
3. No, you can't take a "to go" plate
4. No wife-beater shirts, booty shorts
5. No wasting sodas, if you take it...drink it!
6. No licking your fingers then touching the food
7. No bringing somebody else's husband/wife as a date
8. No funking up the bathroom, if you gotta poo GO HOME
9. No complaining about the potato salad, it's free to you dammit!
10. No attention wh0res, despite what you think it's NOT all about you

Well, no Xmas nor Thanksgiving for me then...

Family cookouts!

I swear I love those rules!!!

That's MY type of cookin' out!

Thank you!

I got another one.

Learn and practice all the new shuffles and slides BEFORE you come to the cookout cuz don't nobody have time to teach your no-rhythm havin' ass the steps DURING the song throwing everybody else off an shit.

It's always one

[Edited 8/3/11 14:39pm]