Yes, it's true. After MJ, where could MB possibly go next for his interview. Here's a sneak preview of what to expect.

Firstly, we chat in my dining room, discussing 'those' rumours and the total lack of abuse that I got from my Father; 'Did he hit you?' asks Martin. 'I got a smack on the hand once, for stealing a bag of marshmallows at my local shop' I tell him, pretending to get all upset about the incident. Then we go for a stroll around my semi-detached home and 1/8th acre grounds. Martin is fascinated by my outrageous plain, wooden bench and the 'Giving Shrub' that I go to when I need inspiration for my threads. At the end of the first day, we race each other using my very own personal Scalextric set.

A few months later and I invited him to join me for a trip to London. Martin is amazed that I've booked an ENTIRE double-room in the £30 per night Hotel Ibis all to myself and he is bewildered that I insist on taking along my bizarre collection of ordinary soaps, razors and deodorants. He also thinks I'm crazy when he sees a pair of shoes that I use for travelling around the hotel corridors.

Then I take him on one of my shopping sprees. We wander around Tower Records and at one point he asks the manager just how much Mr. Stack has spent. 'How the fuck should I know? I don't follow every fucking customer around, do I?' the manager quips to Martin. Ultimately, Martin can't believe that in total I've spent an amazing £22.90 on an import CD.

After the commercial break, it's time for Martin to meet my pet dog and cat. Sophie (the dog) and Puss (the cat) are wearing masks - as I always insist whenever they're seen in public. Sophie's mask is a Colin L. Powell mask and Puss wears a Celine Dion mask. Martin is slightly disturbed by this, but seems to get on with the two animals, despite Sophie constantly trying to bite his ankles. Soon, we go to the zoo, where we're greeted by absolutely no chaos whatsoever.

Then, we're back home at my small house in Shropshire. That evening I take Martin on a glitzy awards ceremony - a 'Business Of The Year' event that my boss has forced me to go on just so that it looks good for the company. After the event's finished, we get into the back of a taxi. At one point, we can't shut the door because some woman wants a hug from me. 'Let her hug me!' I tell Martin as I let her into the taxi. It's my Mother. 'I wish you'd stop these fantasies about being famous' she tells me, half crying. After the hug, I insist that she leaves the vehicle so that we can go home.

I next meet Martin during a hotel stay in Wales. He arrives shocked as, twenty minutes earlier, I'd been spotted dangling a towel precariously over the balcony of my hotel room in order to dry it quicker. Despite my insistence that the towel wasn't in any danger at any time, Martin is clearly disturbed.

Back home and it's time for the final interview. Martin decides that, despite letting people make up their own minds about the interview for the first two-thirds of the programme, he's going to completely cloud the issue at hand by making judgements about my behaviour, knowing that his voice-over will be the last thing that the viewers will hear. His first concern is the fact that I'm quite happy to allow the dog and the cat to sleep in the same bedroom as me at night, offering them food and drink during their stay. He also asks me about my face. Although I tell him that, since the age of ten, I've only had a few pimples, grown a bit of stubble and started wearing spectacles, he tells me that he's convinced I must have had pimple removing surgery, eye surgery and stubble inputs. As soon as he starts to quiz me about the legal dealings concerning my mortgage, I tell him that the interview will have to end.

I won't tell you any more because it will ruin it when you do finally get around to watching it. Suffice to say that I hope my threads will get a 1000% increase in readership once the interview has been broadcast.

Look, I spent ages writing this (well, at least 10 minutes) and I'm damned if I'm going to let it sink so quick. Just respond to it with any one of the following options;

a) Haystack, you're a Goddam genius.
b) This is okay, not worth responding to, however.
c) This is stupid, boring and not particularly very clever.
d) Haystack had his time with the 'Make a comment..' thread.
e) Fuck Haystack. He's a total twat.
f) I'm hungry.

Yes, but did you sleep with Calky McKulkin, or whatever his name is?

2the9s said:

McCauley Stupidname Kulkin is officially the most unsexy person in the world - next to Mother Teresa's corpse.

score 10 out of a possible 10 ! ROFL!!!




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[This message was edited Sat Feb 8 13:27:11 PST 2003 by Muse2noPharaoh]

f)

g)none of the above: I'll read it later.

Can't wait to see it.

I booked a film on Sky which was due to start as you informed me of this masterpiece...

Martin is one lucky guy. I'd love to visit Shropshire. Your pets sound kinky. Prepare for instant stardom after the programme has aired.

PS Your ma don't know what she's on about, lol...

Therapy said:

What film was it? The Muppets Take Beirut?

Haystack said: