First off, just wanna say this topic is for everyone who wants to contribute-I don't care about your gender, age, race/ethnicity or sexual orientation. I just wanna hear some opinions please!

So here's what's up: the other day I was talking with some of my girls about open relationships. I personally would not ever be in one. My feeling is, I'm either in an exclusive relationship, or I'm single. If a man doesn't want to be with me and only me, I don't want to be with him Most of my girls agreed.

Now a few days later, I was talking with a good friend who is gay and he was telling me how he went out on a date with a guy and found out only in the middle of the date (after they kissed, groped etc) that the guy is in an "implied open relationship". Apparently, this guy has been together with his partner for a long time but they stopped having sex with each other years ago and now it's just more of a companion thang My friend quoted him "we hardly even kiss-maybe a peck here and there but that's it" They also don't talk about other guys and neither brings one home. This guy said he doesn't exactly know what his partner does but he thinks he probably has gone out/had sex with other guys. He also said he personally just jerks off in the shower most of the time or something. Finally he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his partner but now it's just not sexual.

My friend is young (26) and his date was 32, and the date's partner is 40. All of this was new to my friend (and me as well as I ain't that freaky )

So, my friend was asking me about what he should do now. He really liked this guy and they had fun, but he's not sure how he feels about the "implied open relationship" concept, and he's not someone who would ever want to go sneaking around behind someone's back. The word "implied" stood out to him, because that means it's not really official. My friend is no homewrecker, is a sweet guy and doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Orgers-thoughts on this? Or maybe some of your own stories? I'll be talking to my friend later this week again so hopefully this thread will help me as well

EDIT-1 more thing-my friend is not looking to be in a relationship with this guy. He just wants to have fun as he is just coming out now.

Thanks in advance!

[Edited 4/24/11 13:05pm]

I'm not opposed to open relationships.

I slept with a married guy with kids so I'm by no means a moral authority but I could never be in an open relationship. I'm with you on this: do only me or dont do me at all....but then again I wouldn't know if things would change after 5 years into the relationship....

it's kinda romantic that those guys in the story wanna be with each other for the rest of their lives despite the end of sexual attraction

Hay-ell Naw.

LightOfArt said:

I slept with a married guy with kids so I'm by no means a moral authority but I could never be in an open relationship. I'm with you on this: do only me or dont do me at all....but then again I wouldn't know if things would change after 5 years into the relationship....

it's kinda romantic that those guys in the story wanna be with each other for the rest of their lives despite the end of sexual attraction

I thought so too. Then I got to wondering how important is sex in relationships? I thought it was a big reason for cheating (when the sex goes south). Thinking of all the couples I know who have been together for a while, physical attraction is a part of it but not the only thing that matters...I wonder how many couples who have been together for a long time stop having sex (I don't wanna go around asking those I know )?

no. i'm a romantic.

mimi2 said:

LightOfArt said:

I slept with a married guy with kids so I'm by no means a moral authority but I could never be in an open relationship. I'm with you on this: do only me or dont do me at all....but then again I wouldn't know if things would change after 5 years into the relationship....

it's kinda romantic that those guys in the story wanna be with each other for the rest of their lives despite the end of sexual attraction

I thought so too. Then I got to wondering how important is sex in relationships? I thought it was a big reason for cheating (when the sex goes south). Thinking of all the couples I know who have been together for a while, physical attraction is a part of it but not the only thing that matters...I wonder how many couples who have been together for a long time stop having sex (I don't wanna go around asking those I know )?

you might get some interesting answers (if they're honest with you)

Hmmm.. In my 20s, there were a couple of times I just dated 2 or 3 guys at once ~ exploring my options ~ but once I decided which one I wanted, I didn't stray (or even want to).

I've wondered if I could do that (have an open relationship, or date someone who was in one).. but I dunno... it never actually presented itself so ..

~ I did have an ex who, after we moved in together, wanted a threesome [just sex, not more] with another girl, but, he was such a hypocritical jerk.. he didn't stop asking for that until I told him [b/c I knew it would make his silly homophobic arse stop asking me for it] "Sure, and then me, you and another guy can have one, too..."

plus, I'd hear about ppl who were supposedly in one, only to find out that only 1 person was having sex outside the relationsip; the other person only pretended it was ok with them..

* I do know an older woman who started having sex w/other men after her bf had a stroke and totally lost interest in sex (by that point, they'd been together almost 20 yrs).... I know he didn't know about it at first.. I hope she told him eventually... When she told me about it, the guy she was seeing at that time was in a similar situation with his wife; she was unable/uninterested due to illness.. I think ppl have a right to know..

but yeah "implied open relationship" is kinda odd... either you are or you aren't..

[Edited 4/25/11 6:19am]

Nah... not my cup of tea.

Depends.

No, not for me.

No.

ParanoidAndroid said:

Open relationship is not relationship.

seems more like it's just a different kind of relationship

I'm not opposed to it either.

I prefer the term romantic relationship rather than sexual relationship when referring to something between two people in the way we're talking about.

The reason I say that, is that I think sex can be had and had well with or without any romantic feelings between the two people. It can be just getting off, and it can still be great!

I could imagine doing someone and be happy to leave it at that without any emotional tie, if that's the way it's going down.

Doesn't necessarily mean I would want to be in an open relationship, but if it's a satisfying way to live for you and your girl/boy, then go ahead and live your life! Just protect yourself, be honest and be clear on the boundaries!

[Edited 4/25/11 5:51am]

nd33 said:

I'm not opposed to it either.

I prefer the term romantic relationship rather than sexual relationship when referring to something between two people in the way we're talking about.

The reason I say that, is that I think sex can be had and had well with or without any romantic feelings between the two people. It can be just getting off, and it can still be great!

I could imagine doing someone and be happy to leave it at that without any emotional tie, if that's the way it's going down.

Doesn't necessarily mean I would want to be in an open relationship, but if it's a satisfying way to live for you and your girl/boy, then go ahead and live your life! Just protect yourself, be honest and be clear on the boundaries!

[Edited 4/25/11 5:51am]

makes sense..

hmmm it depends. I'm open to open relationships but not so open to dating someone in an open relatinship with someone else if that makes any sense. I have 'friends' like that now that I'm cool with so I have no problem with it.

I couldn't handle an open relationship... I would be too focused on me getting an infection/emotions of who loves who more/pregnancies, it would make me too passive agressive, I need a sense of control in a relationship...

mo' dick... mo' problems....

IMHO.

paintedlady said:

I couldn't handle an open relationship... I would be too focused on me getting an infection/emotions of who loves who more/pregnancies, it would make me too passive agressive, I need a sense of control in a relationship...

mo' dick... mo' problems....

IMHO.

Yeah I used to feel that way but I feel I'm more in control this way.

PositivityNYC said:

you might get some interesting answers (if they're honest with you)

Hmmm.. In my 20s, there were a couple of times I just dated 2 or 3 guys at once ~ exploring my options ~ but once I decided which one I wanted, I didn't stray (or even want to).

I've wondered if I could do that (have an open relationship, or date someone who was in one).. but I dunno... it never actually presented itself so ..

~ I did have an ex who, after we moved in together, wanted a threesome [just sex, not more] with another girl, but, he was such a hypocritical jerk.. he didn't stop asking for that until I told him [b/c I knew it would make his silly homophobic arse stop asking me for it] "Sure, and then me, you and another guy can have one, too..."

plus, I'd hear about ppl who were supposedly in one, only to find out that only 1 person was having sex outside the relationsip; the other person only pretended it was ok with them..

* I do know an older woman who started having sex w/other men after her bf had a stroke and totally lost interest in sex (by that point, they'd been together almost 20 yrs).... I know he didn't know about it at first.. I hope she told him eventually... When she told me about it, the guy she was seeing at that time was in a similar situation with his wife; she was unable/uninterested due to illness.. I think ppl have a right to know..

but yeah "implied open relationship" is kinda odd... either you are or you aren't..

[Edited 4/25/11 6:19am]

- good for you with that ex of yours some men only want it their way

-I agree about those who have sex outside the relationship after their partner is disabled or sick etc...they should at the very least tell them

Spinlight said:

Depends.

care to elaborate?

ParanoidAndroid said:

Open relationship is not relationship.

Are you saying the people in an open relationship are not tied down then?

nd33 said:

I'm not opposed to it either.

I prefer the term romantic relationship rather than sexual relationship when referring to something between two people in the way we're talking about.

The reason I say that, is that I think sex can be had and had well with or without any romantic feelings between the two people. It can be just getting off, and it can still be great!

I could imagine doing someone and be happy to leave it at that without any emotional tie, if that's the way it's going down.

Doesn't necessarily mean I would want to be in an open relationship, but if it's a satisfying way to live for you and your girl/boy, then go ahead and live your life! Just protect yourself, be honest and be clear on the boundaries!

So are you a guy or a girl? I know as a girl I couldn't just have sex without having some kind of feeling for the guy...

Heybaby said:

hmmm it depends. I'm open to open relationships but not so open to dating someone in an open relatinship with someone else if that makes any sense. I have 'friends' like that now that I'm cool with so I have no problem with it.

So you would be fine if you were in the open relationship, but you wouldn't date someone who already has a partner?

paintedlady said:

I couldn't handle an open relationship... I would be too focused on me getting an infection/emotions of who loves who more/pregnancies, it would make me too passive agressive, I need a sense of control in a relationship...

mo' dick... mo' problems....

IMHO.

Update: so yesterday the guy texted my friend and asked if he'd like to meet up with him again at his gym.

My friend said he sent this guy a long email asking a lot of questions so we'll see what happens next.

mimi2 said:

PositivityNYC said:

you might get some interesting answers (if they're honest with you)

Hmmm.. In my 20s, there were a couple of times I just dated 2 or 3 guys at once ~ exploring my options ~ but once I decided which one I wanted, I didn't stray (or even want to).

I've wondered if I could do that (have an open relationship, or date someone who was in one).. but I dunno... it never actually presented itself so ..

~ I did have an ex who, after we moved in together, wanted a threesome [just sex, not more] with another girl, but, he was such a hypocritical jerk.. he didn't stop asking for that until I told him [b/c I knew it would make his silly homophobic arse stop asking me for it] "Sure, and then me, you and another guy can have one, too..."

plus, I'd hear about ppl who were supposedly in one, only to find out that only 1 person was having sex outside the relationsip; the other person only pretended it was ok with them..

* I do know an older woman who started having sex w/other men after her bf had a stroke and totally lost interest in sex (by that point, they'd been together almost 20 yrs).... I know he didn't know about it at first.. I hope she told him eventually... When she told me about it, the guy she was seeing at that time was in a similar situation with his wife; she was unable/uninterested due to illness.. I think ppl have a right to know..

but yeah "implied open relationship" is kinda odd... either you are or you aren't..

[Edited 4/25/11 6:19am]

- good for you with that ex of yours some men only want it their way

- I agree about those who have sex outside the relationship after their partner is disabled or sick etc...they should at the very least tell them

I know as a girl I couldn't just have sex without having some kind of feeling for the guy...

tell me about it..

yeah.. I have never slept with a guy that I didn't truly care about, believed he cared about me.. had to be someone I felt I could trust, you know..

No. I don't share and I don't ride the backseat. Besides, open relationships aren't really relationships IMO so much as fuckbuddies with conversation thrown in. Even if said relationships were based on all that stuff that committed/faithful relationships were based on, then that makes you (the outside person) just a piece of ass at the end of the day.

HotGritz said:

No. I don't share and I don't ride the backseat. Besides, open relationships aren't really relationships IMO so much as fuckbuddies with conversation thrown in. Even if said relationships were based on all that stuff that committed/faithful relationships were based on, then that makes you (the outside person) just a piece of ass at the end of the day.

in most cases, probably -- presuming the other person is someone outside the couple's normal circle of friends.. someone they don't care about.

-- I had a friend in college who lived off-campus with both her boyfriend and her girlfriend (they all met at school). I don't recall who she started seeing first.. and since the lesbian gf and the straight bf didn't do each other, I guess that falls under "open".. but everybody was friends prior... and I know she loved them both...

I wonder why this couple doesn't just consider themselves "friends" at this point (if they don't even kiss anymore). I mean, to me it sounds like a pair of very close friends who are both single and dating around.

thekidsgirl said:

I wonder why this couple doesn't just consider themselves "friends" at this point (if they don't even kiss anymore). I mean, to me it sounds like a pair of very close friends who are both single and dating around.

And finances probably play a role too. Cheaper to stay together kind of thing.

mimi2 said:

elaborate?

I feel that sometimes your life doesn't have room for a full-blown relationship so open ones are easy to maintain. Also, I think sometimes when we drop the idealistic attitude we have towards relationships we realize that eventually a lot of people stop being horny or stop feeling excessively intimate while others don't. I think opening the relationship enough so that a spouse can get they not on is fine as long as both parties agree.

HotGritz said:

i'm open to the concept, but i don't think it'd work for me personally. maybe if i'd grown up in a different culture.

HotGritz said:

No. I don't share and I don't ride the backseat. Besides, open relationships aren't really relationships IMO so much as fuckbuddies with conversation thrown in. Even if said relationships were based on all that stuff that committed/faithful relationships were based on, then that makes you (the outside person) just a piece of ass at the end of the day.

Actually, it's quite the opposite. It's a strong companionship between two people who are very emotionally close and care for each other deeply. It's based on honesty and a real understanding of each other. It's more than just being friends because a sexual relationship is there but they also realize that being monogamous is not necessary to have a successful, happy long term relationship.

People who can't understand this type of relationship can not (or refuse to) separate love and sex.