Huh?

Well, a person’s most recent history is the best predictor of how they will behave today. Good or bad.

If someone’s got something “questionable” in their history (and we all do), I think it depends on what it is, how long ago it happened, how s/he feels about it, if s/he’s learned from her/his mistake, if s/he’s remorseful, etc. If I found out someone I know was a mass murderer up until last year and had no regrets about it, I don’t think that’s someone I’d want to associate with anymore. If I found out someone stole chewing gum when they were 6, felt horrible about it and never did it again, I don’t think it would be a big deal to me at all.

It’s all in the context.

Genesia said:

CarrieMpls said:

ParanoidAndroid said:

Genesia said:

Huh?

Let me quote you: Log off.

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing what you meant.

[Edited 3/24/11 8:23am]

Genesia said:

ParanoidAndroid said:

Genesia said:

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing what you meant.

[Edited 3/24/11 8:23am]

Remember, you told "log off" to one orger who doesn't like the song you seem to like. It's the similar situation Bazinga!

It isn't similar, at all.

I will leave you to your failed thread.

I agree with what Carrie posted. I also think that if you don't want someone to judge you on your history, then you shouldn't judge them on theirs. (A common example of what I mean is maybe one person slept with a lot of people before their current relationship, yet doesn't like the fact that the partner may have done the same.)

jone70 said:

I agree with what Carrie posted. I also think that if you don't want someone to judge you on your history, then you shouldn't judge them on theirs. (A common example of what I mean is maybe one person slept with a lot of people before their current relationship, yet doesn't like the fact that the partner may have done the same.)

agreed, but also as she pointed out, there may be things you don't share, such as criminal activity.

I certainly don't judge someone for have had boyfriends before me, but if she was a prostitute, well...

I certainly don't judge someone for having done drugs, but if she quit heroin two weeks ago...

[Edited 3/24/11 10:57am]

...two weeks ago...

*** ..Paranoid

are you speakin over all history or history from their last couple of encounters..?

[Edited 3/24/11 12:29pm]

Failures scare normal people. End of story.

if thats the case then they should.

It does depend on what kind of behaviour and during what life time. I do evaluate people according the rule: "past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour".

Helas, in my case that makes me a red vlag to date for anybody who wants a longterm relationship. Even marriage hasn't kept me in a relationship longer than 3 years. Fortunately for me, not everybody thinks like that. There are still people who think they can change another person fundamentally....When I'm honest, I would not date myself with my lousy track record of long term attachment.

And, yes, people can change. However, it just happens rarely. Maybe, after years of seriously attending self help groups according the AA principle. However, I don't keep my hopes up. You are who you are. Face it. Deal with it. And another person has to decide her/himself whether they can deal with you wholehartedly, with you whole persona. And not just limit their love for your fun part. And vice versa.

However, that's advice from someone who's past behaviour predicts not being able to put with anothers persona for more than 2 years (on average).

So, are you going to be more specific or just leave it that vague?

i never even considered his history, i know he didn't murder anyone.. part of learning is making bad choices, a perfect person must be very dull.

but my son is freaking me out, doing my loop. then i realise how his dad's behaviour wasn't all that different at his age.. i just 4got that at times he was an irresponsible knobhead too! very different from thesedays.. so there is hope 4 my son yet

I always find it funny how people scream about "change your life" and if/when you do all they wanna do is bring up your past and what you USED to do. BULLSHIT!!!

good topic!

My two cents:

I consider history of behavior,

for example:

If you are the type of guy that has a bad habit of bottling emotions, then plowing yourself with drinks then explode by pounding a your gilrfriends/wives/children. Then you can not ever be with me.

See, my past is seeing my mom get her ass beat on a weekly basis by some drunk who was a punk and liked to beat up on his old lady. So, I grew up a bit traumatized. If a man even gets slightly agressive with me I go nuts. I get all psychotic. Yeah, you'll need to get the fuck out for your own safety.... I don't do that passive agressive bahavior crap with men. Men like that are dangerous, and they will be treated like that by someone like me.

You past has everything to do with how you behave when things go bad. Everyone can be nice when things are good, but when things are difficult is when you see the true colors of an individual. Yes, some behaviors make you stronger and a better human being, but other past deeds deeds make you a threat... a dangerous one.

So yes, I consider the past actions of how a person handles stress and difficult events in life, its the very measure of a person's character and it should be considered, always.

Genesia said:

ParanoidAndroid said:

Genesia said: Let me quote you: Log off.

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing what you meant.

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

Cerebus said:

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

I am currently dating a man who has a long history of cheating.

He told me so, even though he didn't have to.

he's not cheating on me physically, but he isn't a good boyfriend. So I am purposefully aloof with him.

He has a ton to learn about being comapssionate towards others and putting someone else's needs first.

We disagree on much, but I treat him in a gentle way because I see that he is putting forth a true effort to change, he is intelligent and controlling. So I am learning how to handle him in a positive way. I approach this relationship very differently from all the others I've had.

He is a beautiful man, I respect him... but being with him is not easy.

I will not lie, our relationship has lasted this long because of the sex... but now he is growing on me because I am getting to understand him more.

paintedlady said:

Cerebus said:

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

I am currently dating a man who has a long history of cheating.

He told me so, even though he didn't have to.

he's not cheating on me physically, but he isn't a good boyfriend. So I am purposefully aloof with him.

He has a ton to learn about being comapssionate towards others and putting someone else's needs first.

We disagree on much, but I treat him in a gentle way because I see that he is putting forth a true effort to change, he is intelligent and controlling. So I am learning how to handle him in a positive way. I approach this relationship very differently from all the others I've had.

He is a beautiful man, I respect him... but being with him is not easy.

I will not lie, our relationship has lasted this long because of the sex... but now he is growing on me because I am getting to understand him more.

I think you're dating my twin.

KlyphIsBackAgain said:

paintedlady said:

I am currently dating a man who has a long history of cheating.

He told me so, even though he didn't have to.

he's not cheating on me physically, but he isn't a good boyfriend. So I am purposefully aloof with him.

He has a ton to learn about being comapssionate towards others and putting someone else's needs first.

We disagree on much, but I treat him in a gentle way because I see that he is putting forth a true effort to change, he is intelligent and controlling. So I am learning how to handle him in a positive way. I approach this relationship very differently from all the others I've had.

He is a beautiful man, I respect him... but being with him is not easy.

I will not lie, our relationship has lasted this long because of the sex... but now he is growing on me because I am getting to understand him more.

I think you're dating my twin.

Cerebus said:

Genesia said:

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for not knowing what you meant.

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

make that 3..

"but when you find out just small failure at wrong time in your life, it can make you feel pretty bad"

doesn't read well.. I think maybe there's a word or two missing, and a [truly] small failure wouldn't make one feel so bad..

If it is actually is a sexual history question, as long as they're not hiding an STI that has no cure from you or they raped/molested someone(s) or animals...

and ditto on telling those kinds of morons they're morons. nicely.

PositivityNYC said:

Cerebus said:

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

make that 3..

"but when you find out just small failure at wrong time in your life, it can make you feel pretty bad"

doesn't read well.. I think maybe there's a word or two missing, and a [truly] small failure wouldn't make one feel so bad..

If it is actually is a sexual history question, as long as they're not hiding an STI that has no cure from you or they raped/molested someone(s) or animals...

and ditto on telling those kinds of morons they're morons. nicely.

Awesome. But how in the crap did you let me get by spelling bigoted wrong, twice!? Granted, I did a control+shift, copy & paste. But still, you slippin'.

....I've been so priviledged in how strong i've became as a result of neglect and abuse and all around fuckery........yay the fuck for me. ..cant fuck around with married folk.

....... bad girls club anyone. who wouldnt wander in here without damages..lol

paintedlady said:

Cerebus said:

I wasn't sure, either. I think he meant sexual history, but it really wasn't clear. But when I read the thread I'm still not sure.

I try not to judge people unless they're asking to be judged or have wronged me personally. My closet is full, I got no business poking around in other peoples.

Well, let me clarify. I will tell a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron that they're a racist, sexist, bigited, homophobic moron every chance I get.

Otherwise, whatever. Everybody does stupid shit. Once you've done it, its in your past. I say leave it there.

I am currently dating a man who has a long history of cheating.

He told me so, even though he didn't have to.

he's not cheating on me physically, but he isn't a good boyfriend. So I am purposefully aloof with him.

He has a ton to learn about being comapssionate towards others and putting someone else's needs first.

We disagree on much, but I treat him in a gentle way because I see that he is putting forth a true effort to change, he is intelligent and controlling. So I am learning how to handle him in a positive way. I approach this relationship very differently from all the others I've had.

He is a beautiful man, I respect him... but being with him is not easy.

I will not lie, our relationship has lasted this long because of the sex... but now he is growing on me because I am getting to understand him more.

So, do you really think that when he's not capable of compassion, he will learn? I doubt that. If he would have wanted to learn that, he would have.

Doesn't he have you exactly in the place he wants you to be? You forgiving him his hurtful behaviour, because he supposedly can't help it. He will change, because with your help he can become a different man.

So, he doesn't need to adjust or learn anything, because you let him get away with it. You'll stay with him anyway. Is it working for you? You putting all your effort in him, because he won't do it himself? Why not looking for a man who is emotional mature and is compassionate by nature? In that case you can have a good time without having to put up with.....

dJJ said:

paintedlady said:

I am currently dating a man who has a long history of cheating.

He told me so, even though he didn't have to.

he's not cheating on me physically, but he isn't a good boyfriend. So I am purposefully aloof with him.

He has a ton to learn about being comapssionate towards others and putting someone else's needs first.

We disagree on much, but I treat him in a gentle way because I see that he is putting forth a true effort to change, he is intelligent and controlling. So I am learning how to handle him in a positive way. I approach this relationship very differently from all the others I've had.

He is a beautiful man, I respect him... but being with him is not easy.

I will not lie, our relationship has lasted this long because of the sex... but now he is growing on me because I am getting to understand him more.

So, do you really think that when he's not capable of compassion, he will learn? I doubt that. If he would have wanted to learn that, he would have.

Doesn't he have you exactly in the place he wants you to be? You forgiving him his hurtful behaviour, because he supposedly can't help it. He will change, because with your help he can become a different man.

So, he doesn't need to adjust or learn anything, because you let him get away with it. You'll stay with him anyway. Is it working for you? You putting all your effort in him, because he won't do it himself? Why not looking for a man who is emotional mature and is compassionate by nature? In that case you can have a good time without having to put up with.....

I am putting up with some things but not things that huge to me and cause damage or any change in my life.

Now do not misunderstand, when I say that he has a lot to learn, it doesn't mean that he isn't putting forth an effort to change his old ways. He actually is, but he is doing that for himeself and not for me. I can't change any man, nor will I try to. I also do not want any man who doesn't want me. In order to keep me as his woman he has to take it upon himself to do things that I require.

He has done the things I need to see, but we still have a long way to go as far as making our relationship a lasting one.

Things I see that he can be better at he should have learned long ago, and I blame his upbringing mostly and his stubborn way. He's also older, he's 51 and I am 39. Men like him tend to be lazy lovers and cheap. He was, not so much anymore.

He gets frustrated and complains that he does things now that he never had to do (or even want

ed to do) before. I believe it... because he is bold in his manner of how he describes things.

Again, I never asked him to do things, he does them on his own accord.

I have changed, I do very little for him, the less I do, the more he works at being a constant source of support in my life.

for example: I don't want him to know my kids, but he is constanly asking how they are and buying them things .. I never ask for anything from him but he shows up with stuff.

I got bikes for the kids.. he shows up with helmets and a pump, wanting to take the kids for a riding event, I tunred him down politely.

He says he wants to marry me, I don't believe him. But I stay because he's been good to me and I can't complain too much. Its like he's been trying to show me he's changed, and he's wearing me down. He has never cheated on me as far as I know, never did me wrong.

We have been together for almost two years now. He doesn't live with me, I don't think I want marriage at all. I like having my own space.

Its weird, I think if I acted all clingy then he would have split long ago. I do care about him though, if he fucks up once.... I'm out.

That includes cheating or threatening me in any way.

paintedlady said:

dJJ said:

So, do you really think that when he's not capable of compassion, he will learn? I doubt that. If he would have wanted to learn that, he would have.

Doesn't he have you exactly in the place he wants you to be? You forgiving him his hurtful behaviour, because he supposedly can't help it. He will change, because with your help he can become a different man.

So, he doesn't need to adjust or learn anything, because you let him get away with it. You'll stay with him anyway. Is it working for you? You putting all your effort in him, because he won't do it himself? Why not looking for a man who is emotional mature and is compassionate by nature? In that case you can have a good time without having to put up with.....

I am putting up with some things but not things that huge to me and cause damage or any change in my life.

Now do not misunderstand, when I say that he has a lot to learn, it doesn't mean that he isn't putting forth an effort to change his old ways. He actually is, but he is doing that for himeself and not for me. I can't change any man, nor will I try to. I also do not want any man who doesn't want me. In order to keep me as his woman he has to take it upon himself to do things that I require.

He has done the things I need to see, but we still have a long way to go as far as making our relationship a lasting one.

Things I see that he can be better at he should have learned long ago, and I blame his upbringing mostly and his stubborn way. He's also older, he's 51 and I am 39. Men like him tend to be lazy lovers and cheap. He was, not so much anymore.

He gets frustrated and complains that he does things now that he never had to do (or even want

ed to do) before. I believe it... because he is bold in his manner of how he describes things.

Again, I never asked him to do things, he does them on his own accord.

I have changed, I do very little for him, the less I do, the more he works at being a constant source of support in my life.

for example: I don't want him to know my kids, but he is constanly asking how they are and buying them things .. I never ask for anything from him but he shows up with stuff.

I got bikes for the kids.. he shows up with helmets and a pump, wanting to take the kids for a riding event, I tunred him down politely.

He says he wants to marry me, I don't believe him. But I stay because he's been good to me and I can't complain too much. Its like he's been trying to show me he's changed, and he's wearing me down. He has never cheated on me as far as I know, never did me wrong.

We have been together for almost two years now. He doesn't live with me, I don't think I want marriage at all. I like having my own space.

Its weird, I think if I acted all clingy then he would have split long ago. I do care about him though, if he fucks up once.... I'm out.

That includes cheating or threatening me in any way.

But that's the way life is. We all have to do things we don't like every now and then. So what's the use in complaining? It's a good job he's trying to change!! Otherwise it would be really selfish and immature of him to behave this way.

I still have a dude from my past that wants me to take care of him. He asks nicely for things, but he never has anything to offer but sex. He's weird that way..I'll meet a guy, go out with him a couple times, come to find out he works for my dude, then i have to back away cause i know dude and his drama, and abuse and all that. I know what i want when i find it, but that fucker has a problem.

MarySharon said:

But that's the way life is. We all have to do things we don't like every now and then. So what's the use in complaining? It's a good job he's trying to change!! Otherwise it would be really selfish and immature of him to behave this way.

He is finally learning how to grow up and 50 years of age. He stopped smoking weed, chasing women and is slowing down to an easier pace.

He credits that to liking me, but I think he got past his mid-life crisis. Also he told me that he NEVER had to court (date/take out) any woman before me. SMH

I simply do not understand this. Women in the past let him virtually get away with murder.

I think some men are just stubborn spoiled brats that get away with things if they buy women things or learn to play minds games on women at a young age.

paintedlady said:

MarySharon said:

But that's the way life is. We all have to do things we don't like every now and then. So what's the use in complaining? It's a good job he's trying to change!! Otherwise it would be really selfish and immature of him to behave this way.

He is finally learning how to grow up and 50 years of age. He stopped smoking weed, chasing women and is slowing down to an easier pace.

He credits that to liking me, but I think he got past his mid-life crisis. Also he told me that he NEVER had to court (date/take out) any woman before me. SMH

I simply do not understand this. Women in the past let him virtually get away with murder.

I think some men are just stubborn spoiled brats that get away with things if they buy women things or learn to play minds games on women at a young age.

I think some most men are just stubborn spoiled brats that get away with things if they buy women things or learn to play minds games on women at a young age.

I simply do not understand this. Women in the past let him virtually get away with murder.

When you'r standard is to be happy with: "He stopped smoking weed, chasing women and is slowing down to an easier pace." you'r not giving yourself what you deserve, do you?

Why not set a standard of a man with a good nature, kindharted, understanding, self reliant, communicative, fun, happy, and making you feel good about yourself?