anybody in a long relationship who now just puts up with it because its easier than moving out ?...

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of course moving out is easier said than done....especially when you have a 3 year old and nowhere but your mothers couch to go to...but i really dont want to just put up with another so-so releationship....i left my first marriage because it was poor and now i am here again...

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getting out of my marriage was hell for lots of reasons.....i dont know...

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have you tried joint counseling?...and certainly a child being raised in a home where there is animosity is never good...it's up to you do you want things to work out, or are you being honest, and concludee that things can never get better?..if so, cut your losses and move on

If I were in a live-in, long term relationship and there was a child involved I’d definitely want to feel like I’d exhausted every possible option and angle to make things better before I considered ending it.

If I believed I’d done absolutely everything and didn’t see improvement or any kind of future, then I’d be out. Better for a child to live in a happy home than with parents who don’t love each other or simply can’t get along. You are their model for their future relationships.

What advice would you give your (grown-up) child if they were in the same situation?

Thing is... you don't have to put up with nothing. Even if you have a 3 year old child. As long as you are in that child's life and paying for that child's needs, you don't have to make yourself misreable to be with the mother. Do what you have to do - sleep on your mom's couch and get yourself together. May-be you just need some time apart to think. You need to reevaluate yourself because it seems like you are getting bored and that's not a good thing to put you or anyone through. This too shall pass. Think positive and just know that you don't have to stay to make it work. So if you do descide to stay, work on things to make it better only running away from your problems will only make them worst.

If you're absolutely sure you're not happy - Get out, get out, get out!

Life is too short.

Has she still not gave up smoking Bob?

Maybe you need to look at the common denominator in both of these failed relationships.

Lisa10 said:

If you're absolutely sure you're not happy - Get out, get out, get out!

Life is too short.

I'm not absolutely sure about much.

and what IS "not happy"?

Shorty said:

Lisa10 said:

If you're absolutely sure you're not happy - Get out, get out, get out!

Life is too short.

I'm not absolutely sure about much.

and what IS "not happy"?

I'm so rubbish at explaining myself But i'll give it a try...

I would say not happy = Spending most of the time wishing things were different.... Not seeing anything positive in the future... wanting to change the person you're married to.

If you want it to work you need to work through your problems together... a big amount of time and effort and honestly and openess... maybe even with the help of a relationship counsellor.

If you've tried that already and you're still not content, move on.

I'm no agony aunt by a long shot.... but that's my opinion on it.

she found the fleshlight ?

XxAxX said:

she found the fleshlight ?

Dear...Bob was going to tell her about it, to maintain honesty in the relationship, remember?

I split with my partner, as we had a very young child of 2 and a half.

Luckily (for all those involved) the mother is quite sensible and puts the needs of the child first, we have a good working relationship concerning the child and I must say she's an excellent mother.

Still the split was inevitably a bit messy. I gave the child a whole lot of attention and whenever the issue came up I patiently discussed the situation with the child and left her no doubt that she means the world to me and I'd always have time for her.

Things seem to be working out, but I can't see what it might amount to in the future.
I think it'll be alright.


As for you 'n yours I really can't say with any certainty.
You do have a responsibility to look after yourself and that shouldn't go neglected.
I should think, if your wife doesn't hate you and recognises the importance of her child having a good relationship to the father, then a solution should be possible.

Putting up with it is an option but it's not a solution. If you're going to take any action I'd advise you to be patient, gentle and resolute. Good luck, Bob.

might as well carry on, i suppose. happiness is just an illusion anyway...

Rightly said:

I split with my partner, as we had a very young child of 2 and a half.

Luckily (for all those involved) the mother is quite sensible and puts the needs of the child first, we have a good working relationship concerning the child and I must say she's an excellent mother.

Still the split was inevitably a bit messy. I gave the child a whole lot of attention and whenever the issue came up I patiently discussed the situation with the child and left her no doubt that she means the world to me and I'd always have time for her.

Things seem to be working out, but I can't see what it might amount to in the future.
I think it'll be alright.


As for you 'n yours I really can't say with any certainty.
You do have a responsibility to look after yourself and that shouldn't go neglected.
I should think, if your wife doesn't hate you and recognises the importance of her child having a good relationship to the father, then a solution should be possible.

Putting up with it is an option but it's not a solution. If you're going to take any action I'd advise you to be patient, gentle and resolute. Good luck, Bob.

Wow. One can only assume her "sensible-ness" was born of a desire to get rid of your condescending ass.

I'm not really condescending. just credit given where credit's due, sort o' thing.
Ooops if it appears otherwise.

Lisa10 said:

Shorty said:

I'm not absolutely sure about much.

and what IS "not happy"?

I'm so rubbish at explaining myself But i'll give it a try...

I would say not happy = Spending most of the time wishing things were different.... Not seeing anything positive in the future... wanting to change the person you're married to.

If you want it to work you need to work through your problems together... a big amount of time and effort and honestly and openess... maybe even with the help of a relationship counsellor.

If you've tried that already and you're still not content, move on.

I'm no agony aunt by a long shot.... but that's my opinion on it.

Define so-so relattionship. . . Because that could mean anything.

Is it so-so because you find youself taking care of your family with lil' time for self?

Shorty said:

Lisa10 said:

I'm so rubbish at explaining myself But i'll give it a try...

I would say not happy = Spending most of the time wishing things were different.... Not seeing anything positive in the future... wanting to change the person you're married to.

If you want it to work you need to work through your problems together... a big amount of time and effort and honestly and openess... maybe even with the help of a relationship counsellor.

If you've tried that already and you're still not content, move on.

I'm no agony aunt by a long shot.... but that's my opinion on it.

you sound pretty unhappy lately

the question is, have you honestly looked at yourself and what you are doing to make this relationship not work?

If you have, maybe it is her that is not looking at herself (like choosing cigarettes over you) and it is just time to move on.

No relationship is perfect, but some are better than others.

BlackAdder7 said:

XxAxX said:

she found the fleshlight ?

Dear...Bob was going to tell her about it, to maintain honesty in the relationship, remember?

dear, i am not an expert on this marriage stuff, however, i am generous with my advice so this i'll say: the kid should go stay with bob's mom while he and his wife join the circus as carnies for a six month hiatus from their 'normal' life. while on the road, they will meet new people, discover three new recipes for kickass chili, have all kinds of circus people new experiences and put the spark back into their shared routine. among other things bob will learn to juggle while riding a tricylce. his wife will discover a previously unknown talent for the trapeze. they will return to their normal lives in six months, refreshed, invigorated and newly in love with each other and their life together.

that would be my advice.

wow, you really want a lady who swallows

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thanks for all the advice everyone and wind-ups.. .....its just getting me down that i dont want to go near her because i cant take that smell anymore...i have always hated smoking....i just always thought it wouldnt be a big deal....there was a definate spark between us when we met and i gave up a lot to be with her...i was always straight with her that the smoking would get in the way of us and it has ...

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she promised me she would quit if we bought a house together and i ...stupidly...believed her...its now 4 years since we moved in and have had little rebecca since then.....

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now what has made it worse is one of her friends...who also smokes...has been diagnosed with cancer....now i know that anybody can get cancer but i dont understand why she would want to increase her risk of getting it by smoking ?....

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i really dont know if i could support her if she gets it....i would be sooo angry....maybe i am just being silly there but ....i dont understand her...

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blackbob said:

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i really dont know if i could support her if she gets it....i would be sooo angry....maybe i am just being silly there but ....i dont understand her...

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If that's really the way you feel do her a favor and get out now.

over the years i have put up with so much.....

so i kicked him out and it's the best thing i could have done.....

don't ever think that ppl will change for you or that things will get better or that what they do to you is no big deal, because it is and it's destructive to stick it out and stupid to stay

blackbob said:

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thanks for all the advice everyone and wind-ups.. .....its just getting me down that i dont want to go near her because i cant take that smell anymore...i have always hated smoking....i just always thought it wouldnt be a big deal....there was a definate spark between us when we met and i gave up a lot to be with her...i was always straight with her that the smoking would get in the way of us and it has ...

.

she promised me she would quit if we bought a house together and i ...stupidly...believed her...its now 4 years since we moved in and have had little rebecca since then.....

.

now what has made it worse is one of her friends...who also smokes...has been diagnosed with cancer....now i know that anybody can get cancer but i dont understand why she would want to increase her risk of getting it by smoking ?....

.

i really dont know if i could support her if she gets it....i would be sooo angry....maybe i am just being silly there but ....i dont understand her...

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give her an ultimatum

if she cares she quits, if not good riddance. She should try hypnosis.

ZombieKitten said:

blackbob said:

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thanks for all the advice everyone and wind-ups.. .....its just getting me down that i dont want to go near her because i cant take that smell anymore...i have always hated smoking....i just always thought it wouldnt be a big deal....there was a definate spark between us when we met and i gave up a lot to be with her...i was always straight with her that the smoking would get in the way of us and it has ...

.

she promised me she would quit if we bought a house together and i ...stupidly...believed her...its now 4 years since we moved in and have had little rebecca since then.....

.

now what has made it worse is one of her friends...who also smokes...has been diagnosed with cancer....now i know that anybody can get cancer but i dont understand why she would want to increase her risk of getting it by smoking ?....

.

i really dont know if i could support her if she gets it....i would be sooo angry....maybe i am just being silly there but ....i dont understand her...

.

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give her an ultimatum

if she cares she quits, if not good riddance. She should try hypnosis.

those types of ultimatum really never work. but, i guess everyone has their line in the sand of what they can't tolerate.

TD3 said:

ZombieKitten said:

give her an ultimatum

if she cares she quits, if not good riddance. She should try hypnosis.

those types of ultimatum really never work. but, i guess everyone has their line in the sand of what they can't tolerate.

putting up with it and hoping there will be change isn't working either

ZombieKitten said:

TD3 said:

those types of ultimatum really never work. but, i guess everyone has their line in the sand of what they can't tolerate.

putting up with it and hoping there will be change isn't working either

well that's true too.

To be frank - and I am a former smoker and 25 years married- this is an issue that seems to be minor, really minor. But who am I . . . as they say assholes and opinions.