DoffieParker said:

blackbob said:

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no...i do love her...just dont want to have to put up with it any more...i cant watch her slowly killing herself...

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think i will just have to put up with it for my wee kids sake...intimacy is becoming a no go for me now...so maybe she will kick me out eventually...

still it's a lame excuse to want to leave. why don't u just banish her to the garden to smoke & suggest that you are both showered & sparkling b4 sex?

.

yes your right...i need to let this go...maybe its the hurt i still feel for my having to leave my son and i expect her to let go of something for me....her habit....i suppose thats why its became this big thing for me....need to just accept it and get on with my life...

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blackbob said:

DoffieParker said:

still it's a lame excuse to want to leave. why don't u just banish her to the garden to smoke & suggest that you are both showered & sparkling b4 sex?

.

yes your right...i need to let this go...maybe its the hurt i still feel for my having to leave my son and i expect her to let go of something for me....her habit....i suppose thats why its became this big thing for me....need to just accept it and get on with my life...

.

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It's not a habit, it's an addiction.

blackbob said:

DoffieParker said:

still it's a lame excuse to want to leave. why don't u just banish her to the garden to smoke & suggest that you are both showered & sparkling b4 sex?

.

yes your right...i need to let this go...maybe its the hurt i still feel for my having to leave my son and i expect her to let go of something for me....her habit....i suppose thats why its became this big thing for me....need to just accept it and get on with my life...

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hope u can work things out

blackbob said:

Cerebus said:

If you know you are unhappy, why in the name of all things sane would ever even consider staying with somebody until they kicked you out? That's not fair to them, first of all, and its not healthy for either of you.

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when i met her...i fell for her big time...i just thought ( stupid i know ) that the smoking wouldnt be a big deal...me and her being together ...i thought...was the most important thing....i had to leave my 7 year old boy who i love very much and my home and moved into a flat so i could be with her...i had to pay the mortgage on my old house and rent on my small flat for over a year which put me into a lot of debt..i didnt force the sale of my old house because my son didnt want to move so i just got on with it and havent received a penny from the divorce...

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i had a really hard time being away from him and it still hurts ( i see him 2 or 3 times a month )....

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i did it all because i felt my new partner was ' the one ' ....all i ever asked her to do was one thing for me....

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...give up smoking...

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what a dick i am...

I'm not here to judge you, your life or your personal choices (although I do think there's plenty to talk about in the above post). Most of us have done or said stupid, hurtful, regrettable things to someone else at some point in our lives. We have to make decisions based on what we think is best at the time and live with them no matter how things turn out in the end. That's fine, or that's life, whichever.

But personally, for me, I don't think asking a partner to change is the way to make a relationship work. You either know what you have going in and accept it as is, or you exit stage left when something (major) is making you unhappy. For me, there is no in between. That may be extreme, or maybe not. I don't really know. But I know it keeps me happy and on friendly terms with every woman I've ever dated (save one).

Was she a smoker when you first met her? Before you fucked her was she a smoker? Before you kissed her was she smoking?

Maybe its not the smoking that is the real issue.

Search your soul and tell her what really the matter, yes, break things off with her and move on. I truly think you got with her for the wrong reasons in the first place.

I could be wrong, but its a feeling I'm getting from this thread.

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

This post comes across a little cuntish.

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

You're sticking the boot in based on harsh assumptions about his exact motivations. You don't know precisely how things happened but you're happy to assume the worst. There's a giddy venom in your words that's cuntish.

blackbob said:

anybody in a long relationship who now just puts up with it because its easier than moving out ?...

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of course moving out is easier said than done....especially when you have a 3 year old and nowhere but your mothers couch to go to...but i really dont want to just put up with another so-so releationship....i left my first marriage because it was poor and now i am here again...

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getting out of my marriage was hell for lots of reasons.....i dont know...

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I put up with it for a while, then called it a day. Divorce sucked, I'm not happier, but I'm not unhappy as often. That probably makes no sense whatsoever.

The highs aren't any higher, but the lows aren't as low.

FauxReal said:

blackbob said:

anybody in a long relationship who now just puts up with it because its easier than moving out ?...

.

of course moving out is easier said than done....especially when you have a 3 year old and nowhere but your mothers couch to go to...but i really dont want to just put up with another so-so releationship....i left my first marriage because it was poor and now i am here again...

.

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getting out of my marriage was hell for lots of reasons.....i dont know...

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I put up with it for a while, then called it a day. Divorce sucked, I'm not happier, but I'm not unhappy as often. That probably makes no sense whatsoever.

The highs aren't any higher, but the lows aren't as low.

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yes i know what you mean....i dont get as low as i did when i was married....still get low sometimes but not as bad and not as often....

.

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coming out of my short term one, I wish I did it very early, I knew it wouldn't work but had too much hope

paintedlady said:

Was she a smoker when you first met her? Before you fucked her was she a smoker? Before you kissed her was she smoking?

Maybe its not the smoking that is the real issue.

Search your soul and tell her what really the matter, yes, break things off with her and move on. I truly think you got with her for the wrong reasons in the first place.

I could be wrong, but its a feeling I'm getting from this thread.

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yes you are right...she was a smoker when i met her...i always told her i hated it...but i was drawn to her...

.

i have made this a big issue because i believed her when she promised me that if i gave the relationship a chance ...she would quit....i broke up with her before for a short while before we made a commitment to each other because i hated it soo much....but as people have said...i need to get over it ...i do have strong feelings for her....just need to forget about the broken promises and make the best of it....thanks for all the replys...

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

This post comes across a little cuntish.

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

IMO you come across pretty rude with many of your posts. That's probably not correct English, but well.....

[Edited 3/17/11 4:29am]

Genesia said:

Maybe you need to look at the common denominator in both of these failed relationships.

I know Genesia sounds harsh, but if you can see past the attitude she does have a point. You need to stop looking at the girlfriend and start looking at yourself before you even think of moving on. You said the first marriage was a mistake that cost you $$$$ and you have bought a house with this ladyfriend and she has the child with you aswell.

Should you leave her you will be a man who needs to pay child support and whatever other payments to two different addresses and what have you learnt? You seem to have some love for the current woman just tons of resentment aswell.

My advice is get seperate counseling for yourself and then couples counseling afterwards. It is costly but not half as costly as abandoning ship all together and thinking true love is still out there somehow.

CarrieMpls said:

If I were in a live-in, long term relationship and there was a child involved I’d definitely want to feel like I’d exhausted every possible option and angle to make things better before I considered ending it.

If I believed I’d done absolutely everything and didn’t see improvement or any kind of future, then I’d be out. Better for a child to live in a happy home than with parents who don’t love each other or simply can’t get along. You are their model for their future relationships.

What advice would you give your (grown-up) child if they were in the same situation?

I think this is the best post so far !

Fauxie said:

Genesia said:

Really? More cuntish than getting involved with another woman while you're still married, leaving your wife and young child for the new squeeze, impregnating her, then deciding the relationship is just so-so (or otherwise not what you envisioned while you were letting your dick do the thinking) and leaving another "wife" (in quotes because I don't know if he married her) and child? Really? More cuntish than that?

Huh.

You're sticking the boot in based on harsh assumptions about his exact motivations. You don't know precisely how things happened but you're happy to assume the worst. There's a giddy venom in your words that's cuntish.

"Giddy venom?" And you accuse me of making harsh assumptions? You are reading a "tone" into what I'm posting based on your own assumptions. Sweep before your own door, bub.

I commented on the situation as presented by the OP - which was that he was about to call a relationship quits because it's "so-so" - his words. Nobody's been abused. Nobody's done him wrong. He's just bummed out because his wife smokes - something he knew about before he married/moved in with her. That's pretty weak sauce, as far as I'm concerned - especially when there's a child involved.

Perfect song for you on how you feel right?

Angelic1302 said:

Perfect song for you on how you feel right?

I think the part where she sings "If I tell the world it would not be enough because it was not said to you" is what I am thinking.

I don't know if bob has taken this woman out to dinner for the mere point of discussing this seriously. I am sure he has made endless remarks but does she get it that he thought this smoking habit would be long gone by now? Does she get that he is getting depressed just thinking about it continuing on indeffinately and being seen by her as a minor issue when to him it is a huge one?

She is not smoking crack or getting drunk around their child. It is not that bad, but it is still an issue for him. I know I left my daughter's father for cocaine and alcohol abuse. I did not want him around her and I was sick of $$ disapearing. I had no control over when he would stop or for how long, so I up and left him. He seemed to understand he had a problem but did not feel the same sense of urgency I did in dealing with it. He also spent money that was given to us for a crib and such on his habit. The End!!!! I don't see this woman's habit in the same category but she did make a promise that she doesn't seem to want to make good on for over 3 years.

Deadflow3r said:

Angelic1302 said:

Perfect song for you on how you feel right?

I think the part where she sings "If I tell the world it would not be enough because it was not said to you" is what I am thinking.

I don't know if bob has taken this woman out to dinner for the mere point of discussing this seriously. I am sure he has made endless remarks but does she get it that he thought this smoking habit would be long gone by now? Does she get that he is getting depressed just thinking about it continuing on indeffinately and being seen by her as a minor issue when to him it is a huge one?

She is not smoking crack or getting drunk around their child. It is not that bad, but it is still an issue for him. I know I left my daughter's father for cocaine and alcohol abuse. I did not want him around her and I was sick of $$ disapearing. I had no control over when he would stop or for how long, so I up and left him. He seemed to understand he had a problem but did not feel the same sense of urgency I did in dealing with it. He also spent money that was given to us for a crib and such on his habit. The End!!!! I don't see this woman's habit in the same category but she did make a promise that she doesn't seem to want to make good on for over 3 years.

.

.

.

thanks for the comments...i take on board what evryone is saying....and yes...i agree...it isnt that big a deal...but it does come between us when i am trying to get close to her...but i have to accept it.....she aint going to quit.....

.

genesia has made some points and she is right that its a weak argument to end a relationship....

.

as far as abandoning my kids....that was a bit of a low point to make as you dont know me and thats something that i could never do.....staying in a dead relationship doesnt do kids any good.....being as good a father as i can be is the most important thing....

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this relationship i am in is far from dead...i just wanted it to be great...as i thought it would be when i first fell for her..

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and i will make the best of it...

blackbob said:

Deadflow3r said:

I think the part where she sings "If I tell the world it would not be enough because it was not said to you" is what I am thinking.

I don't know if bob has taken this woman out to dinner for the mere point of discussing this seriously. I am sure he has made endless remarks but does she get it that he thought this smoking habit would be long gone by now? Does she get that he is getting depressed just thinking about it continuing on indeffinately and being seen by her as a minor issue when to him it is a huge one?

She is not smoking crack or getting drunk around their child. It is not that bad, but it is still an issue for him. I know I left my daughter's father for cocaine and alcohol abuse. I did not want him around her and I was sick of $$ disapearing. I had no control over when he would stop or for how long, so I up and left him. He seemed to understand he had a problem but did not feel the same sense of urgency I did in dealing with it. He also spent money that was given to us for a crib and such on his habit. The End!!!! I don't see this woman's habit in the same category but she did make a promise that she doesn't seem to want to make good on for over 3 years.

.

.

.

thanks for the comments...i take on board what evryone is saying....and yes...i agree...it isnt that big a deal...but it does come between us when i am trying to get close to her...but i have to accept it.....she aint going to quit.....

.

genesia has made some points and she is right that its a weak argument to end a relationship....

.

as far as abandoning my kids....that was a bit of a low point to make as you dont know me and thats something that i could never do.....staying in a dead relationship doesnt do kids any good.....being as good a father as i can be is the most important thing....

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this relationship i am in is far from dead...i just wanted it to be great...as i thought it would be when i first fell for her..

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and i will make the best of it...

Bob, I concede that "abandoned" was too strong a word. It is clear that you are trying to do your best with the kids.

But let me ask you this. Your son is now 12 years old - getting close to the time when he will start forming romantic relationships of his own. What message does discarding a woman when a relationship doesn't meet your expectations send to your son? Is that the image of manhood you want to portray?

And what about your daughter? She's too young to appreciate fully what's happening now. But when she's old enough and asks her mother, "Why did Daddy leave?" will you want her mother to give her a reason as flimsy as, "Daddy didn't like that I smoked"?

I know it's an old-fashioned notion, but kids need fathers for reasons other than material. Boys need to see good male behavior so they have something to emulate. Girls need to see good male behavior because it makes them feel secure - and shows them what kind of man is worthy of their love and trust.

Your actions will affect your kids in ways you can't even imagine.

blackbob said:

Deadflow3r said:

I think the part where she sings "If I tell the world it would not be enough because it was not said to you" is what I am thinking.

I don't know if bob has taken this woman out to dinner for the mere point of discussing this seriously. I am sure he has made endless remarks but does she get it that he thought this smoking habit would be long gone by now? Does she get that he is getting depressed just thinking about it continuing on indeffinately and being seen by her as a minor issue when to him it is a huge one?

She is not smoking crack or getting drunk around their child. It is not that bad, but it is still an issue for him. I know I left my daughter's father for cocaine and alcohol abuse. I did not want him around her and I was sick of $$ disapearing. I had no control over when he would stop or for how long, so I up and left him. He seemed to understand he had a problem but did not feel the same sense of urgency I did in dealing with it. He also spent money that was given to us for a crib and such on his habit. The End!!!! I don't see this woman's habit in the same category but she did make a promise that she doesn't seem to want to make good on for over 3 years.

.

.

.

thanks for the comments...i take on board what evryone is saying....and yes...i agree...it isnt that big a deal...but it does come between us when i am trying to get close to her...but i have to accept it.....she aint going to quit.....

.

genesia has made some points and she is right that its a weak argument to end a relationship....

.

as far as abandoning my kids....that was a bit of a low point to make as you dont know me and thats something that i could never do.....staying in a dead relationship doesnt do kids any good.....being as good a father as i can be is the most important thing....

.

this relationship i am in is far from dead...i just wanted it to be great...as i thought it would be when i first fell for her..

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and i will make the best of it...

and there it is....

so then make it "great"... great is a relative term anyways.

Great to me is overcoming great obstacles together. Learning from real situations and growning from them makes it "great".

So instead of asking/telling/staying frustrated, take on the challenge of "greatness" and be that support system. Go beyong what you would normally do and see that its just not about the smoking but about how she handles stress in general. Try to understand her coping needs and help her to adjust to healthier coping habits.

Great relationships don't just come that way and fall in your lap, YOU MAKE GREAT HAPPEN BY WORKING AT IT..... and when the infatuation wears off and the reality of compromise has set in then that's when love comes in. Real love makes a relationship great.

Love is patient and kind... real love takes work and lots of it. My means of patience and understanding.

Gotta change yourself first and be that pillar of strength in order to help someone else change, ya know? You can't be selfish.

If not, then chalk it up to infatuation, and that you were never serious about her in the first place. That you are just too immature to handle what is real and you just want a woman to live in some sort of fantasy until that wears off and you are on to the next.

I don't think you want to move on, so toughen up and dig your heels in, its a fun and hard ride when you do really decide to love someone, through the thick and thin.

Start reading up on helping loved ones quit cigs, this may help you help her.

[Edited 3/17/11 10:16am]

Genesia said:

blackbob said:

.

.

.

thanks for the comments...i take on board what evryone is saying....and yes...i agree...it isnt that big a deal...but it does come between us when i am trying to get close to her...but i have to accept it.....she aint going to quit.....

.

genesia has made some points and she is right that its a weak argument to end a relationship....

.

as far as abandoning my kids....that was a bit of a low point to make as you dont know me and thats something that i could never do.....staying in a dead relationship doesnt do kids any good.....being as good a father as i can be is the most important thing....

.

this relationship i am in is far from dead...i just wanted it to be great...as i thought it would be when i first fell for her..

.

and i will make the best of it...

Bob, I concede that "abandoned" was too strong a word. It is clear that you are trying to do your best with the kids.

But let me ask you this. Your son is now 12 years old - getting close to the time when he will start forming romantic relationships of his own. What message does discarding a woman when a relationship doesn't meet your expectations send to your son? Is that the image of manhood you want to portray?

And what about your daughter? She's too young to appreciate fully what's happening now. But when she's old enough and asks her mother, "Why did Daddy leave?" will you want her mother to give her a reason as flimsy as, "Daddy didn't like that I smoked"?

I know it's an old-fashioned notion, but kids need fathers for reasons other than material. Boys need to see good male behavior so they have something to emulate. Girls need to see good male behavior because it makes them feel secure - and shows them what kind of man is worthy of their love and trust.

Your actions will affect your kids in ways you can't even imagine.

See, you made it right with the post you could've made the first time around.

Fauxie said:

Genesia said:

Bob, I concede that "abandoned" was too strong a word. It is clear that you are trying to do your best with the kids.

But let me ask you this. Your son is now 12 years old - getting close to the time when he will start forming romantic relationships of his own. What message does discarding a woman when a relationship doesn't meet your expectations send to your son? Is that the image of manhood you want to portray?

And what about your daughter? She's too young to appreciate fully what's happening now. But when she's old enough and asks her mother, "Why did Daddy leave?" will you want her mother to give her a reason as flimsy as, "Daddy didn't like that I smoked"?

I know it's an old-fashioned notion, but kids need fathers for reasons other than material. Boys need to see good male behavior so they have something to emulate. Girls need to see good male behavior because it makes them feel secure - and shows them what kind of man is worthy of their love and trust.

Your actions will affect your kids in ways you can't even imagine.

See, you made it right with the post you could've made the first time around.

No, I couldn't have made that post the first time around - because most of the information I commented on in this post wasn't in the original post.

Not that I care what you think.

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

You're sticking the boot in based on harsh assumptions about his exact motivations. You don't know precisely how things happened but you're happy to assume the worst. There's a giddy venom in your words that's cuntish.

"Giddy venom?" And you accuse me of making harsh assumptions? You are reading a "tone" into what I'm posting based on your own assumptions. Sweep before your own door, bub.

I commented on the situation as presented by the OP - which was that he was about to call a relationship quits because it's "so-so" - his words. Nobody's been abused. Nobody's done him wrong. He's just bummed out because his wife smokes - something he knew about before he married/moved in with her. That's pretty weak sauce, as far as I'm concerned - especially when there's a child involved.

Clearly if we're being honest 'when the kids have dipshits for parents', 'already abandoned one child', 'new squeeze', 'letting your dick do the thinking' etc. don't represent a "tone" that one really needs to read into much at all.

Up to you, of course, I'm just making an observation, as others have. It's not reading between the lines and doesn't require anything like a leap, a reach or a stretch, as it's all in there, it's just how you post.

Genesia said:

Fauxie said:

See, you made it right with the post you could've made the first time around.

No, I couldn't have made that post the first time around - because most of the information I commented on in this post wasn't in the original post.

Not that I care what you think.

Oh. Dive in headfirst initially with the understanding that as more info becomes available you can always soften the tone later. Genius!

blackbob said:

Deadflow3r said:

I think the part where she sings "If I tell the world it would not be enough because it was not said to you" is what I am thinking.

I don't know if bob has taken this woman out to dinner for the mere point of discussing this seriously. I am sure he has made endless remarks but does she get it that he thought this smoking habit would be long gone by now? Does she get that he is getting depressed just thinking about it continuing on indeffinately and being seen by her as a minor issue when to him it is a huge one?

She is not smoking crack or getting drunk around their child. It is not that bad, but it is still an issue for him. I know I left my daughter's father for cocaine and alcohol abuse. I did not want him around her and I was sick of $$ disapearing. I had no control over when he would stop or for how long, so I up and left him. He seemed to understand he had a problem but did not feel the same sense of urgency I did in dealing with it. He also spent money that was given to us for a crib and such on his habit. The End!!!! I don't see this woman's habit in the same category but she did make a promise that she doesn't seem to want to make good on for over 3 years.

.

.

.

thanks for the comments...i take on board what evryone is saying....and yes...i agree...it isnt that big a deal...but it does come between us when i am trying to get close to her...but i have to accept it.....she aint going to quit.....

.

genesia has made some points and she is right that its a weak argument to end a relationship....

.

as far as abandoning my kids....that was a bit of a low point to make as you dont know me and thats something that i could never do.....staying in a dead relationship doesnt do kids any good.....being as good a father as i can be is the most important thing....

.

this relationship i am in is far from dead...i just wanted it to be great...as i thought it would be when i first fell for her..

.

and i will make the best of it...

I think you have your expectations too high. I'm willing to be your wife would like to change some things about you too. Everybody wish they can change something about their loved one, but that's not enough to leave a functioning home. Smoking is a very minor ordeal to break up a happy home. is it just in her breath? Does she chain smoke? Can she just not do it around you? Is there really just something else you want??

As far as my own situation, I understand marriage isn't always easy, and I've experienced times when I felt I was putting up with something, but I can't say it ever really shook the underlying core of things, of how I ultimately felt beneath whatever was going on at that time. Even when I've been pissed, or indifferent, or unhappy, I've never considering getting out. I like what 'painted lady' said about making it great. I feel like there are times I need to go more than halfway, to make it work, with the understanding that hopefully my wife does the same if I'm not doing what she thinks I should.

Fauxie said:

As far as my own situation, I understand marriage isn't always easy, and I've experienced times when I felt I was putting up with something, but I can't say it ever really shook the underlying core of things, of how I ultimately felt beneath whatever was going on at that time. Even when I've been pissed, or indifferent, or unhappy, I've never considering getting out. I like what 'painted lady' said about making it great. I feel like there are times I need to go more than halfway, to make it work, with the understanding that hopefully my wife does the same if I'm not doing what she thinks I should.

This post needs a "Like" button for me to use.