Hi, I usually don't post here, but I need some advice on being tactful to another parent.'

Here is the situation:

I have a 10 year old daughter and we had a slumber party for her 11th birthday. (sunday March 13)

There is one of her friends whose parents seem to take advantage of these sleep overs.

Last time we had a sleep over, this girl's parents allowed her to remain at our house the entire next day. I had to take this girl Christmas shopping with us because she never went home. The parents went out to dinner that night (okay this is cool), to breakfast the next morning... (okay, I am responsible for giving the girls breakfast)

To the dog park in early afternoon (okay, now I'm getting a little pissed).... and never not one time did they call to check on their daughter who was at the time 11.

I kept waiting for them to call to tell their daughter... "it is time to come home" but that call never happened.

So I was reluctant to have her sleep over again. People told me that I was to blame because I should have set limits and if the parents didn't call, I should have initiated things and called myself.

Funny when this little girl had a sleep over, all the girls were sent home before 10 am.

So I'm thinking okay this was my fault.

So last night we have a birthday party sleeper. 8 girls. Most girls had things to do on Saturday. The first girl's parents picked her up at 9 AM. So I picked that time as my target.

Hmm, it is now 10 am. All other girls have been picked up or gone home.

Except, you guessed it, that same girl.

I had my daughter walk her home... (had to be firm to get the girl to wake up... because this is the other thing... she stays up the entire night then sleep till 2 or 3 in the afternoon.)

When they get to her house.... NO ANSWER!!

I have her call her mom's cell phone... NO ANSWER.... *I* call and leave a voice message for her to call me. 45 minutes later, NO RETURN CALL.

So I have an extra girl... that I would like to drop off, but now I can "stuck with her" can't go do my own errands etc because I'm trying to stay close by.

Eventually I will get in touch with her parent. But I am really getting steamed.

I want to confront the parent about this presumptious and irresponsible behavior.

How does she have the GAUL to just assume that I will care for her daughter ALL DAY SATURDAY when the Slumber party is officially over??

I'm trying to not lose my cool when the opportunity to speak to the parent arise.

I'm being told by the girl that her mom is home but she sleeps late, and may not "wake up all day".

I wouldn't wait for them to call the duaghter.

I would tell the daughter that she's on your schedule and she needs to call her parents.

I'd just say, "We have a family time day" or something and send her on her way.

Kids always want to hangout with each other, but they also adapt quickly and understand boundaries if they are set and enforced clearly.

I feel sorry for the girl. Sounds she gets neglegted and not well taken care off. Is there a person at school you can talk to and express your suspection that the girl gets neglected and not even have any support at home during night hours?

It sounds serious to me. It allways hurts when a defenseless dependant child who has no choice than to rely on her parents is left on her own. She must feel so lonely. And probably ashamed about the whole situation too, however, she can't ditch her parents, can she?

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

The first time, when they didn't hear from their daughter or you, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that the kids were still having fun and that she was still welcome at your home. You set the pattern, and now they're taking advantage of it. You need to regain control of the situation.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

dJJ said:

I feel sorry for the girl. Sounds she gets neglegted and not well taken care off. Is there a person at school you can talk to and express your suspection that the girl gets neglected and not even have any support at home during night hours?

It sounds serious to me. It allways hurts when a defenseless dependant child who has no choice than to rely on her parents is left on her own. She must feel so lonely. And probably ashamed about the whole situation too, however, she can't ditch her parents, can she?

Right. That is why I don't exclude her from our activities but I always hold my breath because there is always an issue when it is time for the girl to go home. Parents are MIA.

Genesia said:

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

The first time, when they didn't hear from their daughter or you, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that the kids were still having fun and that she was still welcome at your home. You set the pattern, and now they're taking advantage of it. You need to regain control of the situation.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

yes, and I realize that I have set the standard here. And you are absolutely right. *I* should be the one to extend the invitation and talk with parents to convey expectations.

I guess I assumed that like myself, the parents would be nervous about their little girl away from home overnight, and would be anxious to check on them first thing in the morning.

All the other parents do this... I guess I should prepare for the few who won't

and it is so true that this little girl is probably in a neglectful situations.

I just found out today that her mom has divorced a second time... and she is the sole guardian... and I get the feeling it is the mom who is irresponsible, and lackadasical. The step dad seemed really nice and personable.

I wished I had read your note 5 minutes earlier Genesia. I finally did get the girl home. but not before having to ask for phone numbers of extended family members. I was so shocked that she didn't know anyone's number except her mom and her mom was not answering the phone.

Let's just say I was a little shocked and it showed. After calling and knocking for almost an hour we finally got someone to answer the phone. And the person unlocked the door but didn't come to the door so that I didn't have an opportunity to speak to mom.

Genesia said:

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

And after you give them YOUR schedule, if they so much as pick their daughter up at 10:30 AM?!? THAT'S IT. No more sleepovers for that little girl. Her "parents" are irresponsible, and it's not your problem.

Sounds like there's more trouble brewing ahead with that little girl anyway, and I bet the parents would have no issue pinning it on YOU.

You explicitly told her parents to pick her up by 9 a.m.? And they didn't?

Because you don't want to de facto punish the child, I'd say don't stop inviting her for dates like this, but rather reiterate to the parents that you absolutely need her picked up by a certain time, and that beyond that time you will be dropping the kid off at home -- so the kid MUST come with a house key.

As for the current situation, if you still haven't heard from the parents, you could play the paranoid reactionary, even if just for kicks and drama. Don't worry the kid, but consider calling the cops with some story that you're concerned about the parents' well beiing; that you're pretty sure they're at home, but that you've been trying to contact them multiple times in multiple ways all morning and can't get them... which is "scarily unlike them." It might be satisfying just to see what happens when a squad car rolls up in their driveway. But plumb your conscience here: The cops likely have better things to do.

[Edited 3/12/11 8:37am]

No Lammastide... that was MY fault, I did NOT set a time. I was trying to be flexible. But at the same time, don't want to be taken advantage of a whole day babysitting thing again.

That was MY mistake, never to be done again

I did get the girl home but it was an ordeal. I knocked on the door for almost 30 minutes (since the girl says her mom is a heavy sleeper and she wasn't answering the door)

Then I started asking the girl about extended family, grandparents, step father etc. And when I would ask for the phone number... the girl would say, "oh, I can't remember the phone number".

It became apparent to me that there is something going on... and while concerned, I was also alarmed. If her mom and step dad is divorced... and the mom sleeps so heavily that she can't answer the door, and won't answer the phone, and the girl only knows her mom's cell phone number... no one else's phone number....

what am I going to do. When she would tell me, "oh I just remember, that i can't remember the phone number, I looked hard at her.

I said, so you only know your mom's number and no one else's and your mom is not answering the phone... What happens if there is an emergency? She said "I dunno"

I really want to speak to her mom... but when someone finally answered the phone. I couldn't tell if it was the mom or her teen brother... but when I quickly drove around the block to the door was unlocked but no one was around to greet us, anything.

prodigalfan said:

No Lammastide... that was MY fault, I did NOT set a time. I was trying to be flexible. But at the same time, don't want to be taken advantage of a whole day babysitting thing again.

That was MY mistake, never to be done again

I did get the girl home but it was an ordeal. I knocked on the door for almost 30 minutes (since the girl says her mom is a heavy sleeper and she wasn't answering the door)

Then I started asking the girl about extended family, grandparents, step father etc. And when I would ask for the phone number... the girl would say, "oh, I can't remember the phone number".

It became apparent to me that there is something going on... and while concerned, I was also alarmed. If her mom and step dad is divorced... and the mom sleeps so heavily that she can't answer the door, and won't answer the phone, and the girl only knows her mom's cell phone number... no one else's phone number....

what am I going to do. When she would tell me, "oh I just remember, that i can't remember the phone number, I looked hard at her.

I said, so you only know your mom's number and no one else's and your mom is not answering the phone... What happens if there is an emergency? She said "I dunno"

I really want to speak to her mom... but when someone finally answered the phone. I couldn't tell if it was the mom or her teen brother... but when I quickly drove around the block to the door was unlocked but no one was around to greet us, anything.

Glad to hear this was all resolved -- at least in the immediate.

But, yes, sounds like you may consider future conversations with mom and/or daughter. Just remember, though, that for all your concern and good intention, you can't manage their family.

Lammastide said:

prodigalfan said:

No Lammastide... that was MY fault, I did NOT set a time. I was trying to be flexible. But at the same time, don't want to be taken advantage of a whole day babysitting thing again.

That was MY mistake, never to be done again

I did get the girl home but it was an ordeal. I knocked on the door for almost 30 minutes (since the girl says her mom is a heavy sleeper and she wasn't answering the door)

Then I started asking the girl about extended family, grandparents, step father etc. And when I would ask for the phone number... the girl would say, "oh, I can't remember the phone number".

It became apparent to me that there is something going on... and while concerned, I was also alarmed. If her mom and step dad is divorced... and the mom sleeps so heavily that she can't answer the door, and won't answer the phone, and the girl only knows her mom's cell phone number... no one else's phone number....

what am I going to do. When she would tell me, "oh I just remember, that i can't remember the phone number, I looked hard at her.

I said, so you only know your mom's number and no one else's and your mom is not answering the phone... What happens if there is an emergency? She said "I dunno"

I really want to speak to her mom... but when someone finally answered the phone. I couldn't tell if it was the mom or her teen brother... but when I quickly drove around the block to the door was unlocked but no one was around to greet us, anything.

Glad to hear this was all resolved -- at least in the immediate.

But, yes, sounds like you may consider future conversations with mom and/or daughter. Just remember, though, that for all your concern and good intention, you can't manage their family.

Definitely. And if the sleepover thing doesn't work out, I hope you find other ways to include the girl (with limits, of course). Her mom's problems aren't her fault.

^right.

I don't think sleepovers will be an option again for her. I just hate getting stuck not to mention that let' s just say her mom seems like she has issues.

I feel sorry for that little girl but at the same time.. I am relieved that this birthday celebration is over and I can get on with my Saturday errands.

Thanks everyone and enjoy your weekend.

If that had happened to me, I would have drove the girl over to her house, and (leaving the girl in the car and out of site of me) I would have hammered and kicked the door to her house until her lazy fucker parent got her fat ass out of bed and took charge of her kid.

Fucking pisstaking leech.

Poor kid.

PDogz said:

Genesia said:

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

And after you give them YOUR schedule, if they so much as pick their daughter up at 10:30 AM?!? THAT'S IT. No more sleepovers for that little girl. Her "parents" are irresponsible, and it's not your problem.

Sounds like there's more trouble brewing ahead with that little girl anyway, and I bet the parents would have no issue pinning it on YOU.

Firmness mixed with a pleasant tone of voice seems in order here.

TheDigitalGardener said:

If that had happened to me, I would have drove the girl over to her house, and (leaving the girl in the car and out of site of me) I would have hammered and kicked the door to her house until her lazy fucker parent got her fat ass out of bed and took charge of her kid.

Fucking pisstaking leech.

Poor kid.

believe me I was ringing the doorbell, and knocking HARD on the window part of the door with my key since I know that piercing sound really carries. Then I sat in front of the house for almost 10 minutes asking the girl for extending family members and phone numbers so that I could call them. I figured one of them would have an alternate way of reaching the mom.

Unreal.

I am glad things did not blow up because I had just about HAD it with this woman. I know there is something "not right" with her.

Last year, this girl and my daughter were playing around with a snow shovel and somehow the shovel got broken.

My husband was upset that this brand new shovel got broken so he sent my daughter to her room and told the friend she had to go home because my daughter was on a punishment.

The girl went home and told her mother.... (i guess she was upset--- cries easily).

The mother then proceeded to call her then husband at work no less than *10* times to tell him that he needed to go to our house to speak to my husband about... I'm not even sure.

First question: Why didn't she just call right away to ask my husband what happened and clear it up?

Second: why call her husband AT WORK no less than TEN TIMES!

The husband was pretty embarrassed about the whole thing and basically told my husband that the only reason he stopped by to talk to him was because his wife called him at office repeatedly about 10 times.

I knew then that this woman was not right in the head. My husband doesn't want anything to do with that whole situation. I don't want to punish the girl for her mother's flakiness.

The husband is now divorced and took his daughter (a younger daughter) with him to new digs.

prodigalfan said:

Hi, I usually don't post here, but I need some advice on being tactful to another parent.'

Here is the situation:

I have a 10 year old daughter and we had a slumber party for her 11th birthday. (sunday March 13)

There is one of her friends whose parents seem to take advantage of these sleep overs.

Last time we had a sleep over, this girl's parents allowed her to remain at our house the entire next day. I had to take this girl Christmas shopping with us because she never went home. The parents went out to dinner that night (okay this is cool), to breakfast the next morning... (okay, I am responsible for giving the girls breakfast)

To the dog park in early afternoon (okay, now I'm getting a little pissed).... and never not one time did they call to check on their daughter who was at the time 11.

I kept waiting for them to call to tell their daughter... "it is time to come home" but that call never happened.

So I was reluctant to have her sleep over again. People told me that I was to blame because I should have set limits and if the parents didn't call, I should have initiated things and called myself.

Funny when this little girl had a sleep over, all the girls were sent home before 10 am.

So I'm thinking okay this was my fault.

So last night we have a birthday party sleeper. 8 girls. Most girls had things to do on Saturday. The first girl's parents picked her up at 9 AM. So I picked that time as my target.

Hmm, it is now 10 am. All other girls have been picked up or gone home.

Except, you guessed it, that same girl.

I had my daughter walk her home... (had to be firm to get the girl to wake up... because this is the other thing... she stays up the entire night then sleep till 2 or 3 in the afternoon.)

When they get to her house.... NO ANSWER!!

I have her call her mom's cell phone... NO ANSWER.... *I* call and leave a voice message for her to call me. 45 minutes later, NO RETURN CALL.

So I have an extra girl... that I would like to drop off, but now I can "stuck with her" can't go do my own errands etc because I'm trying to stay close by.

Eventually I will get in touch with her parent. But I am really getting steamed.

I want to confront the parent about this presumptious and irresponsible behavior.

How does she have the GAUL to just assume that I will care for her daughter ALL DAY SATURDAY when the Slumber party is officially over??

I'm trying to not lose my cool when the opportunity to speak to the parent arise.

I'm being told by the girl that her mom is home but she sleeps late, and may not "wake up all day".

Wow. that is beyond rude! Some parents are outrageous. I agree with what Sags2low says; do that.

Lammastide said:

You explicitly told her parents to pick her up by 9 a.m.? And they didn't?

Because you don't want to de facto punish the child, I'd say don't stop inviting her for dates like this, but rather reiterate to the parents that you absolutely need her picked up by a certain time, and that beyond that time you will be dropping the kid off at home -- so the kid MUST come with a house key.

As for the current situation, if you still haven't heard from the parents, you could play the paranoid reactionary, even if just for kicks and drama. Don't worry the kid, but consider calling the cops with some story that you're concerned about the parents' well beiing; that you're pretty sure they're at home, but that you've been trying to contact them multiple times in multiple ways all morning and can't get them... which is "scarily unlike them." It might be satisfying just to see what happens when a squad car rolls up in their driveway. But plumb your conscience here: The cops likely have better things to do.

[Edited 3/12/11 8:37am]

haha- that's funny. That's what you should do, feign worry for the parents!

Genesia said:

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

The first time, when they didn't hear from their daughter or you, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that the kids were still having fun and that she was still welcome at your home. You set the pattern, and now they're taking advantage of it. You need to regain control of the situation.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

HOLLAH!!!

[Edited 3/12/11 20:36pm]

the mum won't answer her phone.... send her a text message and start it off with....

Bitch i am not a child minding service.... the parents are taking advantage of you and your good nature...

when they turn up tell them off, be as rude as possible and make sure they get the message

it's got nothing to do with your daughter and her friend...it's between you and the parents....

ppl like that shit me, it happened to me once, but i made sure never again

typo edit

[Edited 3/12/11 22:21pm]

You seem to have a caring nature. Caring for that child, with all the drama that surrounds her, is going to get you into some kind of trouble. WHAT kind exactly, I don't know. And I realize children (for the most part) are innocent. But I don't see trying to provide nice times for that child leading to anything good for you (as cruel & jaded as that may seem).

Caring souls get jammed-up all the time over trying to care for children of other people (whom you have no control or legal rights over). It happened to me once, and it doesn't take but ONE TIME for you to see how distorted some people can twist shit.

If you ever feel that child is any kind of danger or neglect. Just call child services or the police. Then, you've done your part. Start putting a healthy distance between that child and your heart.

Genesia said:

As the host of the party, it's up to you to set the boundaries and let the other parents know what's expected. Extend the invitation to the parents - call them and say, "My daughter's having a sleepover Friday night and we'd like your daughter to come. Please drop her off around 6 on Friday evening, and pick her up by 10 o'clock - no later - Saturday morning."

The first time, when they didn't hear from their daughter or you, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that the kids were still having fun and that she was still welcome at your home. You set the pattern, and now they're taking advantage of it. You need to regain control of the situation.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Truer words...

While she may feel sorry for the little girl, I wouldn't let her mother manipulate me like that. She's already shown the hosting mother that she doesn't give a rat's ass about her time or her daughter. If it were me, I wouldn't invite the child back. What would you bet that the mama would be calling asking why her daughter was left out? That would then give the hostess an opportunity to light her ass up.

wow...the most alarming this is that like prodigalfan said...she's not worried about her at all, to even call in the morning. I mean that speaks well of you prodigalfan but....it probably speaks more to the fact that the mom just doesn't care. heartbreaking really.

poor girl