I don't want to blame it on being bipolar but I am having a problem once again. I am so indecisive and don't know what I want. And now when my anxiety level goes up, I start feeling on edge and I get urges even though I know what to do to calm down. I feel like commitments I've made are freaking me out too.

I'm in debt, I can't decide whether to stay with my BF and have hurt his feelings recently and feel I have to tell him the truth but we might break up if I do (it wasn't cheating), I'm still grieving MJ though I am adjsting well and am realizing it's really my old self I'm grieving and I associate MJ with that time, I get lots of paranoia, my sleep is messed up, you name it.

I was freaking out 2 days ago and wanted to go to the hospital. I was crying for awhile and not wanting to get out before a party and things turned out okay, etc.

I try to live in the present but if anyone brings up the future (eg. bf saying we are forever or acting like he wants to rush) I really freak out and go into panic mode wanting to back out, or if I think of the past too much, I start crying and feel like a helpless child that never grew up even though I'm very wise too. One part of me is an old soul , another has kind of arrested development.

I work at 2 part time jobs and enrolled back in school again to enhance my skills in my field, but I feel like I really suck at it too and 2 years ago when my depression peaked, I felt my resume was a lie, a big lie. I'm trying not to feel it anymore and give myself a chance

I don't know if it's cause I skipped 2 doses or what(from not remembering if I took it and being worried about an overdose), even though what I was taking didn't help much either though it kept me calm despite my worries still being present.

Depression, bi-polar and anxiety are such a tumult of feelings and to have them all at once is extremely overwhelming. I have the greatess admiration for people that some how, they try to cope. I am full of admiration for you and what you are enduring and realising that you are not quite well at the moment. Talk to someone about it (I now you have heard it all before!) but it does go to some way of providing a release and get to your Doctor.

You will get there in the end but for the moment you need help and to step back and head for the important things in life and ignore the trivial whcih we, depressives, seem to concentrate on.

Much love

Blueblossom xxxx

we? are you also suffering? And thanks, that's really sweet of you

It is so hard but I'm good at identifying what's happening though it's so hard to snap out of it. I call distress lines to talk out everything if not a friend or two that I trust. Even when i was freaking out the day I wanted to admit myself, I felt like I hated and didn't trust anybody like they were all out to get me because of the past betrayals and felt like I only wanted my family.

I need to get bloodwork and get my meds changed, but I don't want to go to the GP :*( And I snapped too a few times this week and no one understands my sleep patterns and how even if i adjust it for weeks, the minute it goes bad, it stays like that for awhile too

I try to tell myself I'm blessed and have so much to be grateful for, so it helps when I'm out or with positive people, but it's catching up to me too at the same time and overwhelming me

I snapped too a couple of times and got irritable, I do that easily with certain people. I've gotten better at home, but it was changing this week, and I was even giving a client at work attitude and immediately apologizd cause it came out all wrong, I hope my boss doesn't find out.

[Edited 1/16/11 1:57am]

alphastreet said:

we? are you also suffering?

It is so hard but I'm good at identifying what's happening though it's so hard to snap out of it. I call distress lines to talk out everything if not a friend or two that I trust. Even when i was freaking out the day I wanted to admit myself, I felt like I hated and didn't trust anybody like they were all out to get me because of the past betrayals and felt like I only wanted my family.

I need to get bloodwork and get my meds changed, but I don't want to go to the GP :*( And I snapped too a few times this week and no one understands my sleep patterns and how even if i adjust it for weeks, the minute it goes bad, it stays like that for awhile too

I try to tell myself I'm blessed and have so much to be grateful for, so it helps when I'm out or with positive people, but it's catching up to me too at the same time and overwhelming me

I snapped too a couple of times and got irritable, I do that easily with certain people. I've gotten better at home, but it was changing this week, and I was even giving a client at work attitude and immediately apologizd cause it came out all wrong, I hope my boss doesn't find out.

I suffer with depression which has been quite bad and I know where you are coming from! I think that you seriously need to see your GP or a Dr you can trust and get your meds right because it makes all the difference.

I think that this day and age a lot of people find things overwhelming but have incorporated coping tactics that work for them so they filter out the crap and process the bad thoughts and put them where they should be - other people need to be taught these coping mechanisms and that is me and you. Behavioural therapy is one and I am going on a course of this soon because I need to learn how to manage the moods and the outbursts which are all symptomatic of depression as well as the black low moods.

My antipdepressant now is Fluoxetine 40mg a day - I was on Sertraline 100mg a day but it just made me tired all the time. Apparently Fluoxetine is supposed to give me energy as well - well will see in 2 weeks time.

If you need to talk or write etc contact me via the Org or if you need personal contact email me and I will give you my number.

Blueblossom xx

spelling edits

[Edited 1/16/11 2:02am]

Thanks that's really sweet of you, I wish you the best too

I went for group therapy for 3 months last year and it has definitely helped reshape my thinking and given me a boost, but sometimes I find myself in stressful situations, and now I'm beginning to lie and manipulate just to avoid anxiety and I ended up hurting someone as a result, cause I try to be a very honest person and I wasn't this time.

alphastreet said:

Thanks that's really sweet of you, I wish you the best too

I went for group therapy for 3 months last year and it has definitely helped reshape my thinking and given me a boost, but sometimes I find myself in stressful situations, and now I'm beginning to lie and manipulate just to avoid anxiety and I ended up hurting someone as a result, cause I try to be a very honest person and I wasn't this time.

Well we all do that - its just one of life's lessons - so dont do it again. Sometimes what we do behaviourally - is just human - not what our mental condition is.

If I were you - go to your Doctor and ask for help.

[Edited 1/16/11 2:07am]

blueblossom said:

alphastreet said:

Thanks that's really sweet of you, I wish you the best too

I went for group therapy for 3 months last year and it has definitely helped reshape my thinking and given me a boost, but sometimes I find myself in stressful situations, and now I'm beginning to lie and manipulate just to avoid anxiety and I ended up hurting someone as a result, cause I try to be a very honest person and I wasn't this time.

Well we all do that - its just one of life's lessons - so dont do it again. Sometimes what we do behaviourally - is just human - not what our mental condition is.

If I were you - go to your Doctor and ask for help.

[Edited 1/16/11 2:07am]

I stopped doing it years ago and I'm not counting white lies which popped up here and there. I said I would do something and then did another and was confronted and made up a story that was only half true, but it's being held against me.

alphastreet said:

blueblossom said:

Well we all do that - its just one of life's lessons - so dont do it again. Sometimes what we do behaviourally - is just human - not what our mental condition is.

If I were you - go to your Doctor and ask for help.

[Edited 1/16/11 2:07am]

I stopped doing it years ago and I'm not counting white lies which popped up here and there. I said I would do something and then did another and was confronted and made up a story that was only half true, but it's being held against me.

and the circle feels neverending - yeah been there done that. Its hard but at least you realise it.

Plus I don't do drugs or anything but sometimes want to numb away how I feel but tell myself over and over they're just thoughts, it's so weird

Man I should sleep.... but I hope I get up on time, I'm going somewhere I'm SO anxious about

alphastreet said:

Plus I don't do drugs or anything but sometimes want to numb away how I feel but tell myself over and over they're just thoughts, it's so weird

Man I should sleep.... but I hope I get up on time, I'm going somewhere I'm SO anxious about

breathe!!

its natures basic instinct, but when anxious we over breath/hyperventilate.

try and concentrate on your breathing, breath from your diaphram, and not shallow breaths from your chest.

it does help

i learnt breathing techniques from CBT classes.

been very anxious myself lately, i really need to concentrate on my own breathing

good luck

^ we'll make it I was trying to calm down the same way a couple of days ago but it was hard, I had to keep talking and talking to calm down.

I dont have any answers--if I did, I could crush my own personal demons and begin to actually live life rather than just going through the motions.

Just know that you are not alone.

StonedImmaculate said:

I dont have any answers--if I did, I could crush my own personal demons and begin to actually live life rather than just going through the motions.

Just know that you are not alone.

Learn to live in the present, it's easier said than done, but practice it, force yourself. Talk to your family and spend fun times with them. Get out of the house, read, even go sit at a coffee shop to write anything you want. Those are some things I have done to focus on today. Hope I helped.

And thanks for the encouragement. I know people can't change, but sometimes I wish they would be more empathetic and really figure out what's going on...heck I wish I could figure out what's going on.

I too suffer from depression and can understand where you are coming from. A lot of people in my family suffer from it and they helped give me the courage to seek help this past summer when I was at my wit's end. I barely slept in three months, didn't eat much and lost a bunch of weight, irrational, mood swings, and mulitple visits to the ER. One day I decided I had had enough and checked myself into a behavioral unit at a hospital nearby. My family had encouraged me to seek therapy but I had to reach my rock bottom. It was a tremendous help and so grateful that I did it. I was able to get on the right course of medication and it has made a difference. I also started therapy which was a huge help. I had to switch therapists and found one I can really trust. I was going through some life altering events and went downhill rather quickly.

Today, I look at it as a blessing because I did get the help I needed. For me, asking for help was the hardest step. I still see my therapist on a monthly basis and try to journal everyday. Deep breathing excercises have been a big benefit and so has excercise such as walking. I was laid off from my job last year and now I just started college full time. I've been out of school for nearly twenty years. I have been staying in the present and trying to take a positive approach to school. I am one who is very negative about myself so that will always be a work in progress.

I admire you for opening up. It's a struggle everyday so hang in there. Life does get better.

Michelesky said:

I too suffer from depression and can understand where you are coming from. A lot of people in my family suffer from it and they helped give me the courage to seek help this past summer when I was at my wit's end. I barely slept in three months, didn't eat much and lost a bunch of weight, irrational, mood swings, and mulitple visits to the ER. One day I decided I had had enough and checked myself into a behavioral unit at a hospital nearby. My family had encouraged me to seek therapy but I had to reach my rock bottom. It was a tremendous help and so grateful that I did it. I was able to get on the right course of medication and it has made a difference. I also started therapy which was a huge help. I had to switch therapists and found one I can really trust. I was going through some life altering events and went downhill rather quickly.

Today, I look at it as a blessing because I did get the help I needed. For me, asking for help was the hardest step. I still see my therapist on a monthly basis and try to journal everyday. Deep breathing excercises have been a big benefit and so has excercise such as walking. I was laid off from my job last year and now I just started college full time. I've been out of school for nearly twenty years. I have been staying in the present and trying to take a positive approach to school. I am one who is very negative about myself so that will always be a work in progress.

I admire you for opening up. It's a struggle everyday so hang in there. Life does get better.

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm very proud of you too for getting help. Even though I did that too, I feel like it's unresolved and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I don't want to be with my boyfriend and we nearly broke up today, but something was stopping me no matter how much I complain about him. I knew he wouldn't want to be friends if we broke up and he admitted thta, and he's really trying to understand my depression cause he went through it too, but it was not on the same level as mine for a long, long time. He did something that really upset him too but I heard him out. I love what you're saying about living in the present, and I was doing that with my bf tonight until he said "I want to marry you" like he likes to blurt out sometimes and my stomach did flip flops and I started getting tense, cause it throws me into the future and I freak out like I want to run away or disappear though I love my own family so much. Yet I can't answer questions if he asks me if I want to be with him long term or not. When I'm at home or when I'm with him certain days, I'm like no way, but when he asks me, I don't want to answer or like the thought of losing him.....

I know I'm worthy with or without a guy, and I say all the time I love him as a person when he acts how I want but I'm not in love with him and I want long term without thinking about marriage right now, but he feels excited cause he is a little older than me and it's understandable.

I'm crying right now and wish I could just drink it away or do SOMETHING, but fortunately I'm clean and don't do substances cause I know I have addictive traits, plus I am on meds anyways, not a good combination. Sometimes I wish I could sleep all the stress away and have done it before, I even used to get retarded thoughts about wishing I could be put under with propofol though that is just stupid....and the weird thing is even before mj passed, I went for waxing one time and started to wonder if tattoo pain would be as bad and wished I could be put to sleep and then thought to myself only someone famous can get away with a request like that for a service like that :*(

I feel for you. Depression is a daily struggle. I have a friend who is bipolor and I've witnessed the ups and downs that she has been through. Drinking or using is not going to help the situation. I'm glad that you realize this. If you want to chat further, please feel free to orgnote me. You are brave by talking about your struggles.

It's such torture.

People who don't go through it have no idea - all they have to compare it to is "feeling sad" - so they don't understand why you can't just "cheer up."

It's horrible and I'm so sorry you go through this.

yeah they think it means you're sad all the time, and though I'm like that many times, I also experience what you call highs, that make me come crashing down, like I end up taking on too many things at once to push myself and then start getting anxious once the time comes to do them

I want to leave him, but I can't. And don't tell me I'm in love, but I don't know what it is either that's stopping me. After something last night before we talked, I feel I should leave him now, but I'm planning to do it in a few weeks after we finish this project we are doing as a team. I could jeopardize that if I do it now, I know it's wrong but I don't want other people to feel affected or ruin the group dynamic.

Today I woke up just hating the fact he wouldn't want to stay friends even though at first he tried to say it was okay if that's what I wanted....ugh! I would hate to lose him as one but I'm not happy being in a relationship either if I'm dealing with pressure that I have addressed numerous times.

[Edited 1/17/11 10:42am]

It's like you're describing my life.

I don't know what I have, anxiety, depression, both perhaps.... but I feel very lost and have done for months now. It's funny how you mention MJ's death. I think I realised recently that I've spent years suppressing a lot of my own personal demons by investing so much of myself into being a MJ fan. It's almost like I was hiding behind my obsession and using it as a distraction. Now he's gone I can't do that anymore and it's raised all kinds of issues for me.

One moment I feel positive and pro-active and within minutes I can feel tired, lethargic, depressed and anxious. It's a constant battle between the two, and I often feel that the positive feelings are just me kidding myself.

I feel as if I don't really know what I want out of life anymore. I go along day to day, trying to carry on doing the things I've always done, but it very much just feels like I'm going through the motions. I feel detatched from people, even those closest to me. I'm considering going to the doctors, I've never been on anti-depressants before, and I was hoping I could get through this without them, but when is enough enough?

What a thread.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar when i was a teen, it was called manic depression back then, and at times it became so bad (but fucking brilliant to me) i had to be put in hospital, i became a regular at that place. It took several attempts to find medication to keep me stable, but not really till a few years ago did proper mood stablilizers become more efficient and widely used (at least here in Scotland).

I would spend huge amounts of cash (mine and other peoples) on £300 vases, designer coats and hi-fi's, i had 12 of fucking everything and i totally loved it, i never slept, i never ate and did not feel the need to do either, i was superman, invincible, totally fucking out of it.

But when those euphoric highs died, it was deep depression, guilt set in, and i would smash the expensive items i had bought. This went on for years on and off. i was into horrible drugs too, and after my mum passed away i became so bad on drugs i ended up homeless and living in hostels, roaming the country. Long story short, hell happend to me (and 99% of it was self inflicted) and then i finally got the help i needed for my addiction and also the bi-polar as it was then being called.

Reading these stories is incredible really, i totally understand what you people have going on.

It's been mentioned before, but when you are at such a low, talking and even admitting you need help can seem like an impossibility, but talking and seeking proper care and advice is very important.

I hope anyone going through anything regarding depression no matter how severe or mild, can take the step to do something about it. Don't jump, just take small steps, small steps can and often do lead to bigger and better steps.

You can get over this, (or at least learn to control it) people do all the time.

Be brave, and stay strong.

I hope you find love, peace, and happiness.

I just want to cry until I fall asleep because how I feel, never knew people could make you feel so low, then I open up again and they do that ish again.. now I just want to be all emo... I'm immune to the pain, but I'm tired of it. Bastards.. People are such hypocrites, they want you to treat them right, then they wanna treat you like crap because their unhappy. kiss my depression

MattyJam said:

It's like you're describing my life.

I don't know what I have, anxiety, depression, both perhaps.... but I feel very lost and have done for months now. It's funny how you mention MJ's death. I think I realised recently that I've spent years suppressing a lot of my own personal demons by investing so much of myself into being a MJ fan. It's almost like I was hiding behind my obsession and using it as a distraction. Now he's gone I can't do that anymore and it's raised all kinds of issues for me.

One moment I feel positive and pro-active and within minutes I can feel tired, lethargic, depressed and anxious. It's a constant battle between the two, and I often feel that the positive feelings are just me kidding myself.

I feel as if I don't really know what I want out of life anymore. I go along day to day, trying to carry on doing the things I've always done, but it very much just feels like I'm going through the motions. I feel detatched from people, even those closest to me. I'm considering going to the doctors, I've never been on anti-depressants before, and I was hoping I could get through this without them, but when is enough enough?

I already knew it was ok to like him, but even before the death I knew I was obsessed like thinking of him 24-7 and couldn't stop it and hated myself so much for it, but when he passed, I couldn't turn to him like during other chaoitc situations to block out the pain and found my whole life flashing in front of me and felt like I was floating after he passed and it was me who died, and was wondering why I cuoldn't always cry over him though I was in deep pain, I was in shock over how he passed, but every time I would remember a childhood memory of listening to him after school or what other songs I listened to alongside then, or remembered dancing to him or other tiny memories, I would start crying and lose it. I even read an article saying it was about people grieving themselves but now it makes more sense, plus the mental illness on top of it too. I was told I have OCD too though I don't want meds for that and just want to talk it out, so I can't blame myself, on a logical level for why I got so drawn. I thought back hard to some of those times and realized I was afraid of certain situations and used him to drown it out, like a drug and I have deep rooted pain from that time. I always wrote journals and poetry and all, but it wasn't enough, I thought I addressed all my feelings but I didn't. I became addicted to the idea of meeting mj someday and being all into him felt like I was getting closer to seeing him and it almost happened, though I would rather have him back than see him.

I think what you've identified about yourself is very good and if you don't want medication right away and want to try something else first, that's cool too. I tried that, but it didn't work after some time and admitting that was the hardest thing ever when I was force fed meds. It's good to ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist and psychologist so you can talk it out and if you need to, start meds. The sooner you treat it, the easier it is to manage and it doesn't become chronic like mine has. I just slept for 20 hours and was up for 2 in between, that happens to me as well after stressful situations, but it's cause I've been suffering for a long time.

The detachment situations is so common too, I went through that really badly at one point, and though I'm not like that with family anymore, I had cut off contact with some of them for a little awhile or stay out of the house to get my sanity back. I don't do that now, but it helped me when I needed to get myself together. As for a relationship, I feel like I have trust issues cause of my past and intimacy is a whole other issue...this is going to sound so silly but after mj "left" though I don't think it's his fault (don't want to talk about that issue in this topic if you disagree) I felt I don't want to get attached to someone ever again so that plays a part in it too though it sounds silly too. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but my guy and I clicked right away with too many things in common but after a couple of months, our differences were really beginning to show.

[Edited 1/18/11 2:18am]

TheDigitalGardener said:

What a thread.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar when i was a teen, it was called manic depression back then, and at times it became so bad (but fucking brilliant to me) i had to be put in hospital, i became a regular at that place. It took several attempts to find medication to keep me stable, but not really till a few years ago did proper mood stablilizers become more efficient and widely used (at least here in Scotland).

I would spend huge amounts of cash (mine and other peoples) on £300 vases, designer coats and hi-fi's, i had 12 of fucking everything and i totally loved it, i never slept, i never ate and did not feel the need to do either, i was superman, invincible, totally fucking out of it.

But when those euphoric highs died, it was deep depression, guilt set in, and i would smash the expensive items i had bought. This went on for years on and off. i was into horrible drugs too, and after my mum passed away i became so bad on drugs i ended up homeless and living in hostels, roaming the country. Long story short, hell happend to me (and 99% of it was self inflicted) and then i finally got the help i needed for my addiction and also the bi-polar as it was then being called.

Reading these stories is incredible really, i totally understand what you people have going on.

It's been mentioned before, but when you are at such a low, talking and even admitting you need help can seem like an impossibility, but talking and seeking proper care and advice is very important.

I hope anyone going through anything regarding depression no matter how severe or mild, can take the step to do something about it. Don't jump, just take small steps, small steps can and often do lead to bigger and better steps.

You can get over this, (or at least learn to control it) people do all the time.

Be brave, and stay strong.

I'm so sure mine started in my teens if not earlier. I remember being down a lot and could relate to janet's velvet rope album (lol my teen angst album) but somehow made it through stress better, I just had to throw myself into schoolwork, pray, listen to music and talk to people who were "safe"

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, but I'm proud of you for getting help and sharing your story. I am really in trouble with my money and someone suggested credit counselling. I live at home and have 2 jobs where I don't get enough shifts, and every time I do pay my debt, it climbs anyway cause of credit and things I do need to pay for. But sometimes when I'm down too, I notice I spend it on a lot of things or expensive things. 2009 and early 2010 when I was grieving MJ the most, I had spent the most, that is what I'm still paying off, or it wouldn't have been so bad. I nearly wanted to fly off last minute too despite not having enough when I was depressed last summer, but I always call hotlines or go out to calm down though it's very hard. Even before he passed, I was depressed and dealing with a very bad situation, so it's not like this turned me like that, it just pushed me over the edge more when I already was. I was throwing things around too and being aggressive, but in safe environments and was getting absurd thoughts that were so out of my character that scared me, which is why I ended up going to the hospital too cause I wanted it to stop, and it got worse before it got better.

I worry about my future too. This guy can't stop pressuring me about future marriage innocently without realizing the damage it does though I finally sent him a bipolar article. He thinks a miracle will happen and all this stuff and I don't believe him. I do believe in God but not in the way he does so I don't think like that. I do believe in miracles, but I don't believe in sitting around for them to happen...or diabetes would have a cure too. And I can't find a third job and always get anxious at work that it impairs my judgment at times, so I'm getting a simple full time job that has a low stress level, and he thinks I'm better than reducing myself to that and though he may be right, I have to take care of myself and though he says that, he thinks this is temporary

I wanted to tell him I just want to be friends, but he won't want that and now I'm confused. I've decided when to tell him I want a break and then will use that to decide.

[Edited 1/18/11 1:32am]

zaza said:

*muah*

TheDigitalGardener said:

^ yeah same. My grandma was always misunderstood but she suffered from some kind of depression too, though I don't know what. My psychiatrist thinks my dad has bipolar tendencies when I talked about him and how he copes with stress, but I don't think he does at all. I just think he's very sensitive and can be impulsive.