TheDigitalGardener said:

What a thread.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar when i was a teen, it was called manic depression back then, and at times it became so bad (but fucking brilliant to me) i had to be put in hospital, i became a regular at that place. It took several attempts to find medication to keep me stable, but not really till a few years ago did proper mood stablilizers become more efficient and widely used (at least here in Scotland).

I would spend huge amounts of cash (mine and other peoples) on £300 vases, designer coats and hi-fi's, i had 12 of fucking everything and i totally loved it, i never slept, i never ate and did not feel the need to do either, i was superman, invincible, totally fucking out of it.

But when those euphoric highs died, it was deep depression, guilt set in, and i would smash the expensive items i had bought. This went on for years on and off. i was into horrible drugs too, and after my mum passed away i became so bad on drugs i ended up homeless and living in hostels, roaming the country. Long story short, hell happend to me (and 99% of it was self inflicted) and then i finally got the help i needed for my addiction and also the bi-polar as it was then being called.

Reading these stories is incredible really, i totally understand what you people have going on.

It's been mentioned before, but when you are at such a low, talking and even admitting you need help can seem like an impossibility, but talking and seeking proper care and advice is very important.

I hope anyone going through anything regarding depression no matter how severe or mild, can take the step to do something about it. Don't jump, just take small steps, small steps can and often do lead to bigger and better steps.

You can get over this, (or at least learn to control it) people do all the time.

Be brave, and stay strong.

I did the overspending thing myself for years. It had to keep up with the Jones' as they say. I honestly don't know who I was trying to keep up with but I had to have the best of the best. It cost me my first marriage too. Now, I've learned to live modestly and am happy with my lifestyle. It took years of hard work to get to that point. Thanks for sharing.

^^ My illness is under control now thanks to medication, but there are still at least two times a year when i get a bit hyper again, and this happens despite the medication.

It is during these periods when i spend like crazy, it feels good, but luckily i have good people around me who know when things are getting a bit crazy for me.

TheDigitalGardener said:

^^ My illness is under control now thanks to medication, but there are still at least two times a year when i get a bit hyper again, and this happens despite the medication.

It is during these periods when i spend like crazy, it feels good, but luckily i have good people around me who know when things are getting a bit crazy for me.

glad to hear that, I need to have that around me too, my boyfriend and sister had a talk with me the other day about buying CD's I already have on itunes to "support the artists" cause I spent a few hundred and they were like WTF

not once have you spoken about getting help. there are public counseling services that can help you.

^^ Indeed, i'm not sure how it works elsewhere, but here in the UK a doctor can give advice about seeking the correct help for people, and more than often put people in direct contact with counseling and mental health nurses.

alphastreet said:

I'm still grieving MJ

The fact that you feel you're "grieving" over someone you didn't know, should be worrying in itself.

Based not just on this post, but others, too, it sounds like you would greatly benefit from good psychiatric help. There are many excellent doctors in Toronto and - thanks to OHIP - it wouldn't cost you anything. For your own sake, seek assistance.

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

I'm still grieving MJ

The fact that you feel you're "grieving" over someone you didn't know, should be worrying in itself.

Based not just on this post, but others, too, it sounds like you would greatly benefit from good psychiatric help. There are many excellent doctors in Toronto and - thanks to OHIP - it wouldn't cost you anything. For your own sake, seek assistance.

Well I've already identified it has more to do with me and my chaotic life of the past 10 years than him, even though it's easier said than done cause when my own dad wasn't around, I didn't deal with that directly and instead just lost myself in being a fan and cultivating my own musical talents. It's not like I haven't beat myself up for it all. But anyways identifying that has helped me a lot with my healing and I'm not sure if you read the whole thread but I am getting help though also exploring other outlets for it.

Toronto doctors are meh...

[Edited 1/18/11 20:13pm]

alphastreet said:

Ace said:

The fact that you feel you're "grieving" over someone you didn't know, should be worrying in itself.

Based not just on this post, but others, too, it sounds like you would greatly benefit from good psychiatric help. There are many excellent doctors in Toronto and - thanks to OHIP - it wouldn't cost you anything. For your own sake, seek assistance.

Well I've already identified it has more to do with me and my chaotic life of the past 10 years than him, even though it's easier said than done cause when my own dad wasn't around, I didn't deal with that directly and instead just lost myself in being a fan and cultivating my own musical talents. It's not like I haven't beat myself up for it all. But anyways identifying that has helped me a lot with my healing and I'm not sure if you read the whole thread but I am getting help though also exploring other outlets for it.

[Edited 1/18/11 20:10pm]

Sorry; I didn't read the thread.

How long have you been seeing this person? Is he/she a psychiatrist (i.e. doctor)?

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

Well I've already identified it has more to do with me and my chaotic life of the past 10 years than him, even though it's easier said than done cause when my own dad wasn't around, I didn't deal with that directly and instead just lost myself in being a fan and cultivating my own musical talents. It's not like I haven't beat myself up for it all. But anyways identifying that has helped me a lot with my healing and I'm not sure if you read the whole thread but I am getting help though also exploring other outlets for it.

[Edited 1/18/11 20:10pm]

Sorry; I didn't read the thread.

How long have you been seeing this person? Is he/she a psychiatrist (i.e. doctor)?

Seeing a psychiatrist for almost 2 years and was seeing a counsellor in 2009 and I'm in the process of getting a psychotherapist soon which is what I need, I found one that is covered by OHIB a friend told me about. I don't even talk about MJ much right now though they know, but will have to at some point, right now it's mostly about my moods and thought processes and managing stress levels and messed up sleep. And it's about my history too like stressful situations, that one being the last straw when I was already on edge from another incident that year.

alphastreet said:

Seeing a psychiatrist for almost 2 years

Maybe you should try another?

I'm in the process of getting a psychotherapist soon which is what I need

And you think a psychotherapist will be better for you than a psychiatrist because...?

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

Seeing a psychiatrist for almost 2 years

Maybe you should try another?

I'm in the process of getting a psychotherapist soon which is what I need

And you think a psychotherapist will be better for you than a psychiatrist because...?

yeah I've been considering switching for a long time now, cause it's a like-hate thing, and they seem to focused on meds, but I'm worried that if I switch to someone else, they may not "know" or "get" me despite my file being in front of them

a psychotherapist or counsellor can hear me out instead of worrying about the candy....

do you have any better suggestions? I want to look into CBT, I think that would suit me

[Edited 1/19/11 6:40am]

[Edited 1/19/11 6:54am]

alphastreet said:

do you have any better suggestions?

Find a better psychiatrist and take the meds he or she suggests.

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

do you have any better suggestions?

Find a better psychiatrist and take the meds he or she suggests.

morning Ace, you're up early yeah I'm trying to get a referral to another one but it's a long wait...I just hope they are careful, I don't trust them very much either at the same time though I know I'm helping myself and it's keeping me calmer than I was before being on them in comparison.

alphastreet said:

Ace said:

Find a better psychiatrist and take the meds he or she suggests.

morning Ace, you're up early yeah I'm trying to get a referral to another one but it's a long wait...I just hope they are careful, I don't trust them very much either at the same time though I know I'm helping myself and it's keeping me calmer than I was before being on them in comparison.

Finding a psychiatrist you can trust is very important, but at the same time it does you no good to keep changing these people.

As Ace mentioned, you have to trust them as far as medication is concerned, and stick to the prescribed program.

Medication is only a small part of your recovery though, this may sound harsh, but you need to take positive steps to help yourself too, doctors and psychotherapists can only do so much, a much larger part of recovery has to come from you, and your willingness to get better.

Stepping out of your comfort zone is a scary prospect, but without doing so, you may find yourself just going round in circles forever.

TheDigitalGardener said:

alphastreet said:

morning Ace, you're up early yeah I'm trying to get a referral to another one but it's a long wait...I just hope they are careful, I don't trust them very much either at the same time though I know I'm helping myself and it's keeping me calmer than I was before being on them in comparison.

Finding a psychiatrist you can trust is very important, but at the same time it does you no good to keep changing these people.

As Ace mentioned, you have to trust them as far as medication is concerned, and stick to the prescribed program.

Medication is only a small part of your recovery though, this may sound harsh, but you need to take positive steps to help yourself too, doctors and psychotherapists can only do so much, a much larger part of recovery has to come from you, and your willingness to get better.

Stepping out of your comfort zone is a scary prospect, but without doing so, you may find yourself just going round in circles forever.

yeah I have been going around in circles though there has been some improvement....I know relationships do NOT solve anything and I'm having struggles with that too just a little bit, but I did step outside my comfort zone with focusing on that and my crying went down though it would still occur 1-2 times a week or 1-2 every other week instead of everyday or almost everyday. I tried different forms of therapy too like a group one and individual one, but felt misunderstood like I couldn't open up. I want to get out of the relationship to heal on my own, but I'm also worried my crying will go up about the past....

I want to go back to this counsellor I had in 2009 but she only does groups and interviews you individually time to time to see how you're doing. That's when I opened up after 3-4 times of failing to and she understood me and the psychiatrist did too in the beginning. I asked them for referrals but couldn't get them, so I have to go to the GP to get them, including for a new psychiatrist.

[Edited 1/19/11 7:11am]

TheDigitalGardener said:

alphastreet said:

morning Ace, you're up early yeah I'm trying to get a referral to another one but it's a long wait...I just hope they are careful, I don't trust them very much either at the same time though I know I'm helping myself and it's keeping me calmer than I was before being on them in comparison.

Finding a psychiatrist you can trust is very important, but at the same time it does you no good to keep changing these people.

As Ace mentioned, you have to trust them as far as medication is concerned, and stick to the prescribed program.

Medication is only a small part of your recovery though, this may sound harsh, but you need to take positive steps to help yourself too, doctors and psychotherapists can only do so much, a much larger part of recovery has to come from you, and your willingness to get better.

Stepping out of your comfort zone is a scary prospect, but without doing so, you may find yourself just going round in circles forever.

I feel I have calmed down today cause I've been talking things out. I don't know if I'll check myself in or not but was getting thoughts in the evening until I made some time for fun and slept early and I feel good today.

alphastreet said:

I feel I have calmed down today cause I've been talking things out. I don't know if I'll check myself in or not but was getting thoughts in the evening until I made some time for fun and slept early and I feel good today.

Good to hear you're feeling better. But it still sounds to me like you would benefit from a good psychiatrist and the medication her or she recommends.

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

I feel I have calmed down today cause I've been talking things out. I don't know if I'll check myself in or not but was getting thoughts in the evening until I made some time for fun and slept early and I feel good today.

Good to hear you're feeling better. But it still sounds to me like you would benefit from a good psychiatrist and the medication her or she recommends.

yeah I'm still doing all that....just have to find time

and my bf is not realizing that by not letting me go, it's harming more than helping, he really cares but I don't want to be with anyone and it has more to do with me than anyone else :*( and it sucks he won't want to be friends but most guys I have been with, though very few over the years, were just like that and we made up years later and are friendly.

[Edited 1/20/11 7:49am]

alphastreet said:

Ace said:

Good to hear you're feeling better. But it still sounds to me like you would benefit from a good psychiatrist and the medication her or she recommends.

yeah I'm still doing all that....just have to find time

How can you not find the time to take care of yourself?

and my bf is not realizing that by not letting me go, it's harming more than helping,

Does he have you in shackles, or something?

If you don't mind me asking, what is your age?

Emotionally yeah. He's not bad, just complicated. I'm almost 28, he's a little older so I sort of understand or am trying to understand where he's coming from, but it's not right if I opened up, without overdoing it at the same time and he doesn't realize. And it's not fair of me to keep it going if I'm confused about too much, or fair to him if I act up, nor fair to myself if he does funny things sometimes though he's good too.

I do have a lot of time to take care, just have to manage my time better. I wanted to see if I could check myself in to rest last night but then I felt better...I have too many things to do this weekend and can't back out. This is what happens when I give myself a chance to feel better and take on something and then anxiety shows up and I can't back out.

[Edited 1/20/11 10:51am]

alphastreet said:

I have too many things to do this weekend and can't back out.

What could be more important than taking care of your well-being?

Ace said:

alphastreet said:

I have too many things to do this weekend and can't back out.

What could be more important than taking care of your well-being?

i'll just keep having tea and wear outfits I love and make jokes or something, I'll live....someone just said I should be a comedian but I'm not even that funny...stress makes you say all kinds of shit at times

but yeah I have dance practices and going for a show I already got tickets for... I'll have to tell someone I trust in the crowd what's been happening and ask for that extra boost though it should come from me.

I got in a confrontation with a family member and had to remove myself before my anger escalated and I keep getting thoughts about fleeing though it's so fucking pathetic of me to feel like this, like some kind of drama queen :*( I just feel like it's all caving in on me