Have you all had an event/experience completely change your life? Something unexpected? Something sad? Perhaps something that you should've see coming but nevertheless swept the rug out from under your feet?

How'd it affect you?

What feelings ran through you?

How did you deal with it?

Are you over it?

If anyone's noticed, I've been a little scarce lately. Dealing with something not-quite-unexpected-but-shocking-&-painful-anyway.

Kind'a like riding a bicycle and you know that one tire has a leak, but instead of plugging the hole you keep pumping air into it and maybe slapping duct tape over it...until the tire bursts and you fall face-first in the mud, not knowing if the bicycle is still good to ride, or if you ever want to ride a bike again.

How do you deal with that hole? That aching, empty hole that threatens to consume your every waking hour?

Positive thinking is helping me look forward to things getting good again, and hoping against hope that the bike can get fixed for many more rides to come. If the bike is not salvageable, then it's going to be the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced in my life.

But I have learned that talking and writing about it is good therapy. Even in vague terms.

Anyone care to share?

Sorry 'bout your bike

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

my dad passed away almost two years ago. i'm 27 going on 28 in a month, and everything now in my life is pre 03-01-09 and post 03-01-09. I am not the person I used to be. For that first year I spent it in mental exile. I was an empty shell. Every possible emotion you can think flowed through my body at any given moment. Every thought either provoked rage (at myself), regret, disappointment (in myself), or utter sadness, etc. I've dealt with it by letting myself express every emotion, at least in private. Very very slowly, the memories are becoming something i treasure, rather than tragic reminders. But even then, i'm still not over it at all, I still have my days where i'd rather stay in and cry all day, like i did for that first year. I don't think i'll ever be over it. How could anyone? I just hope one day, i'll be able to be completely at peace, but for now, it's still very painful.

I have been through much, grew up in a harsh enviornment but I regret none of it.

Its has made me who I am today, and I love the person that I am.

I can handle bullshit that most would crumble under. I have gained peace.

I was on the phone with a lovely orger... I started speaking of my past and I was honest. But then I had to pull back because she sounded sad for me. I didn't want her to feel this way, because I am who I am because of my past.

Heck, I make myself sound like an ass sometimes and even a straight out dummy, but I have lived through stuff that trying to impress people means of little value to me since I already impacted many in such a positve way.

I changed lives for the better, like the way a good friend did for me.

I love you Still. My God that woman is so amazing, we laughed away so much negativity and lived through turmoil and had fun doing it.

Know this PurpleJ.... its not how shit hits you, its how you laugh through it while it happens.

I love the curveballs life hit me with, I smile daily at the thought of all I lived through, and I am only 39.

Sometimes all you need is ONE friend to laugh with to remind us of what may seem broken is just a new oppurtunity to grow.

I was blessed with a good sense of humor, it prevents anger/pain from taking a foothold in my life.

I remember the beautiful pictures you shared.. they brought me joy. Thank you.

God bless you in all that you do. Remember to laugh if you feel like crying.

time heals all wounds. hope your world brightens and that blown tire reinflates with the quickness

My mum was ill for a long time, we knew she was going to die, but it still shocked me to the core when she did.

Now my dad is going the same way.

For those who are missing their loved ones.

oceancrayon said:

my dad passed away almost two years ago. i'm 27 going on 28 in a month, and everything now in my life is pre 03-01-09 and post 03-01-09. I am not the person I used to be. For that first year I spent it in mental exile. I was an empty shell. Every possible emotion you can think flowed through my body at any given moment. Every thought either provoked rage (at myself), regret, disappointment (in myself), or utter sadness, etc. I've dealt with it by letting myself express every emotion, at least in private. Very very slowly, the memories are becoming something i treasure, rather than tragic reminders. But even then, i'm still not over it at all, I still have my days where i'd rather stay in and cry all day, like i did for that first year. I don't think i'll ever be over it. How could anyone? I just hope one day, i'll be able to be completely at peace, but for now, it's still very painful.

My mum died 13 years ago and i still miss her as much today as i did back when it first happened.

It's something that deep down i have never got over, but i have learned how to deal with it and live again (after almost dying myself).

I'm sure that one day you will be at peace with your dad's death, just take your time.

PANDURITO said:

Sorry 'bout your bike

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

Children definitely change EVERYTHING. I've told that to people ad-nauseum. Our youngest is 9 (b-day was yesterday matter of fact) so we've had time to adjust (meaning; "settle into a rut").

Now we're trying to get back on track. Whether or not we survive the trek together is yet to be determined.

Only time will tell of course. I've gotten over the initial shock/anger/heartbreak/sorrow and looking forward to a brighter tomorrow...regardless of how it all plays out.

oceancrayon said:

my dad passed away almost two years ago. i'm 27 going on 28 in a month, and everything now in my life is pre 03-01-09 and post 03-01-09. I am not the person I used to be. For that first year I spent it in mental exile. I was an empty shell. Every possible emotion you can think flowed through my body at any given moment. Every thought either provoked rage (at myself), regret, disappointment (in myself), or utter sadness, etc. I've dealt with it by letting myself express every emotion, at least in private. Very very slowly, the memories are becoming something i treasure, rather than tragic reminders. But even then, i'm still not over it at all, I still have my days where i'd rather stay in and cry all day, like i did for that first year. I don't think i'll ever be over it. How could anyone? I just hope one day, i'll be able to be completely at peace, but for now, it's still very painful.

Both my parents are still alive, so I can't offer any advice on that.

But focusing on pleasant memories does sound like the way to go.

PurpleJedi said:

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

Children definitely change EVERYTHING. I've told that to people ad-nauseum. Our youngest is 9 (b-day was yesterday matter of fact) so we've had time to adjust (meaning; "settle into a rut").

Now we're trying to get back on track. Whether or not we survive the trek together is yet to be determined.

Only time will tell of course. I've gotten over the initial shock/anger/heartbreak/sorrow and looking forward to a brighter tomorrow...regardless of how it all plays out.

you can also call that coping or surviving, and sometimes you are so busy just doing that you forget to LIVE, and forget why you were married in the first place, take each other for granted, take it OUT on your partner and show each other your worst sides

About 5 years ago, my husband pretty much had NO TIME FOR ME AT ALL. Then he realised how close he was to losing me and changed his tune. He has now involved me in the things that make him so busy and I'm excited about those things too. Working on things together is what we are good at - our marriage seems completely project-based

Perhaps for you this was a wake-up to shake you out of your rut? hopefully you guys can work it out, even if it takes time

One of the experiences that helped change my life was seeing a man on TV with a prosthesis that covered the entire upper half of his face.

I realized I had lost all perspective and it helped spur me to appreciate what I have, stop whining and get the fuck on with it. A good psychiatrist was key to this, as well.

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Find a good mental health professional and start talking it out. Try meds if he/she recommends them. orgNote me if you need an ear.

This, too, shall pass,

Ace

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

I absolutely worship your honesty.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

I absolutely worship your honesty.

thanks love

It has been 5 years since my mom passed away...she was my best friend.

We were very close and shared just about everything. We only had a major tiff twice in my whole life. She remains the most remarkable woman I have ever known and when I read about people who don't have a good parental relationship my heart goes out to them...I feel very blessed to have had her for my mom. I felt kind of like an orphaned child for the longest time after she was gone.

The thing is, even under the best circumstances you still second guess and feel guilty, wondering if you did and said enough to express your love...you really have to learn the importance of forgiveness of yourself as well as others. Now I really cherish the great memories of all the good times we shared even though every once in a while I still wake up thinking about calling her up...and then it hits me, I cry a little and talk to her in my heart.

It has affected me profoundly in that I have now taken on the role of an elder/matriarch, just as my mom did when my grandmother passed. Those ladies are two tough acts to follow but I am determined to meet the challenge. That is the best way I can honor their memory.

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

You are very much yourself girlie....only enhanced!

I have no doubt that you will continue to grow and eventually come to accept the new you with a certain grace.

babynoz said:

ZombieKitten said:

PJ

Having a kid was like that for me. I was a person, I knew who I was, I had an identity. Things were clear and made sense.

Had a baby. All of a sudden, the marriage was different (difficult) - we HATED each other at times, that never happened before. I didn't work, I didn't sleep, the kid didn't sleep!! I was having traumatic flashbacks to my emergency surgery and complications, crying in the shower everyday when nobody could hear me. I totally lost myself.

I was still expected to cater for everyone's needs and on top of all that, I was supposed to be HAPPY.

It was a shock of unexpected proportions, but over the next 10 years I suppose I grew into the role, having forgotten for the large part how things were before. I am still not myself, I am very much someone else now, and not sure how I feel about that either.

You are very much yourself girlie....only enhanced!

I have no doubt that you will continue to grow and eventually come to accept the new you with a certain grace.

that's nice of you to say!

PurpleJedi said:

Positive thinking is helping me look forward to things getting good again, and hoping against hope that the bike can get fixed for many more rides to come. If the bike is not salvageable, then it's going to be the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced in my life.

But I have learned that talking and writing about it is good therapy. Even in vague terms.

Anyone care to share?

I am sending you loving and healing thoughts...

Even if worst comes to worst, your positive attitude will be a hig help. It is also good that you are willing to reach out by writing and talking about it...we can all help to uplift one another in times of need.

ZombieKitten said:

babynoz said:

You are very much yourself girlie....only enhanced!

I have no doubt that you will continue to grow and eventually come to accept the new you with a certain grace.

that's nice of you to say!

'Tis true...

The two that stand out for me are easily my daughter's birth and my divorce.

The changes that come with being a parent a fairly obvious. You learn to become more resposnsible, more sacrificing, etc. and do so without expecting praise and whatnot. (For me at least)

As for the divorce...I was ready for the divorce as far as the marriage being over. I wasn't ready for my daughter to live so far away. And I guess it didn't really hit me as hard as it should have until I returned from the airport and sat in the house for about 10 long, quiet minutes and realized "This is how it's gonna be now". And that's basically how it's been for several years now. I've adapted to it, learned to make the best of a shitty situation and that's that.

My cousin Lisa's death. It's a miracle more people in my family didn't end up in her position. I'm using her death to help change the trajectory of my family history

paintedlady said:

Sometimes all you need is ONE friend to laugh with to remind us of what may seem broken is just a new oppurtunity to grow.

This.

Your wisdom and strength is an inspiration.

babynoz said:

paintedlady said:

Sometimes all you need is ONE friend to laugh with to remind us of what may seem broken is just a new oppurtunity to grow.

This.

Your wisdom and strength is an inspiration.

I feel the same about you.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

My cousin Lisa's death. It's a miracle more people in my family didn't end up in her position. I'm using her death to help change the trajectory of my family history