hugs to you jan

NDRU said:

I'm not sure what to make of this. You write that you wanted to tell the story in a place where nobody cares--THE ORG. That kind of dismissive statement does not make me want to care.

And it seems like a lie, because I think you do want us to care. And in fact, people here DO care about each other. Some of them have married each other!

And to use this story to excuse some bad behavior of yours that I had not noticed in the first place...Eh, I don't know. If you're aware of your bad behavior, then try to change it. Don't use the past to justify it. Yeah it's hard to change, but the past is not an excuse to be bad.

I'm sorry for the trouble you have had, but look at this story. you said 'I don't want you to go "aww, poor zaza" ' but can I really believe that with such a sob story

Maybe "aww poor ZAZA" is what you really want but don't have the courage to simply ask for some sympathy & support in a straight forward way. I think plenty here would respond if you just came out and said "I'm sorry if I've been a jerk, I am hurting, I need your support"

[Edited 12/22/10 11:42am]

that's just a defence mechanism - he protects himself by daring us to care, making it difficult for us, because he has already told himself we don't and doesn't expect us to, and when we do, we just prove him right!

But Jan, the thing is, we DO care.

and I am very sorry that you had such a shit life, but you are only young and can turn things around. You know from your dad what NOT to do. Be the opposite.

zaza said:

This morning, when my grandmother told me she would "rather fucking die as my grandfather", I couldn't took it anymore and I decided I've got to tell my story to somebody else. The place where nobody really cares - THE ORG. So please, don't mind my english, there will be some mistakes. I was "an accident". When I was born, my mother was 18 years and 14 days old. She had to marry my father because I was already on the way. They lived together for 3 years. He used to come home drunk, piss on her bed and he slapped her almost every night. My mother told me few years ago that he choked her in the front of me and that when she told him to not do that because I'm watching, he replied "I can have million other babies if I want to". Oh, and he nearly drowned me in the bath tub when I was 2 years old. After their divorce, mother moved to one older guy she's still living with and I moved to my grandparents. The first year there if I broke a glass, I immediately got into shock, because I knew my father would beat me as he did. The only difference is there was no father and my grandma was very nice. Do you think it's been better since then? Only slightly. I didn't have many friends in the kindergarten. Teachers were rude, they ignored me if I had to pee or poo, so I often peed myself and other kids were laughing at me. School - it was just the same. No friends, ignorant teachers. I was often bullied. Just add the fact that I had my first girlfriend when I was 17 - they all thought I was gay and they were sure to tell it to anyone. Did I like that girl? They told her lies. Really, children can be so cruel. And as children I noticed adults are cruel to children too. Did you draw not so perfect picture? "Oh, that's sooo nice " At home it wasn't better. My grandfather suffered from manic depression and every week my grandma told me to pack all my favourite toys, we are leaving. After I packed her, she told me that we are going to stay. Every fucking week. I have never had any privacy. My room was always unlocked (I know the key exists, but no one knows where). When my two cousins were born, it was even worse. My guitar? Yes you can touch it, Jan won't mind, he's not here at the moment. My mother is more like my aunt to me, I see her only once a week for 5 minutes. My father? Haven't seen him more than once a year. It's been 6 years since I saw him. So therefor my true parents were my grandparents, they raised me up and only thanks to them I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. Only thanks to them I'm quite nice to other people. And only thanks to my mother that I've got to go through all of this. I HATE HER FOR THAT. Still, she took me to this fucking world and I've got to love her for that. The last experience I'm going to share with you is death of my grandpa. It was me who found him dead on the toilet. For me, he's not died - he just went away. Not for the rest of my family. Do you want to terrorise me? Just speak about his death before I go to exam. Or just say you would rather die just as he did. My girlfriend told me she noticed that all of this affected the way I'm, the way my mood changes and etc. Do you think I'm egoistic, whiny and attention peeking person? Yes, I'm because I never got any attention. Do you think I act like a fucking baby? It's true. We all are.

Sounds a lot like me.

I've basically done what ZombieKitten suggested over the entirety of my adult life. I've tried to be the opposite of what my father was to the highest degree possible.I believe it has made me a better person overall.

One of my clearest memories of him when I was younger ws seeing him drunkenly grab my mother by the throat and choke her. I don't know if he saw that I saw...or if he even cared. He pissed his money away on drugs, usually leaving his makeshift crackpipes lying around. He left my mother and his mother (my grandmother) to shoulder the burden. His own mother, shortly before dying informed him he was a worthless son. Part of me sometimes wonders why he did it. He had a terrible father and always spoke poorly of him. So why not be better for your kids? That's why I try as hard as I can for my daughter even though she doesn't live with me. Because she deserves to have what I didn't. A father that gives a damn.

It's why I believe I came out overly generous, sometimes to my own detriment. Because I feel like he did enough taking for us all. He never cared who it was from. He would take money from his own mother if she turned her back to him.

His infidelity was out there for all to see. He didn't care. Hell, he used me to run messages to his flings while my mother sat idly by taking care of his children while he was locked up. I hate him for that. Hate is a strong word, but I mean every letter of it. He openly cheated with the downstairs neighbor and tried to talk me into sleeping with her sister. I was 15. It also affected how I interact with people, specifically how I go about relationships. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 18. (I was constantly asked if I was gay) We married, later divorced. But I was always faithful, and still make sure to some degree she has the help she needs from me (without doing everything for her). It's why I don't have sex outside of relationships, regardless of how much shit I talk on here. Because I feel like "that's some shit my father would do"...take a woman home, fuck her, never be bothered with her again.

And his version of discipline was basically child abuse. Even back then when beating your kids was a little more acceptable. Even if your explanation was valid. He didn't particularly care usually. He flat out punched my older brother in the chest like he was a grown man. He was 14.

I have not seen or spoken to him in almost 14 years. I don't care to. I looked him up online and I think he is in prison again after going once before for killing someone while drunk driving. There was some other shit he was accused of (not sure if it was ever proven) that makes me ashamed to be his blood.

There's more, but I'm rambling.

Despite all his bullshit. I've been a relative success (no pun intended). Even at 2500 miles away my daughter thinks I'm the best dad in the world, whereas in the same house, I just wished he would be gone one day. I am capable of provding for myself. For my child. For my siblings when they need me. My mother. Everything he couldn't do. And this might come across as patting myself on the back, but I'm more of a man than he could ever hope to be. If I ever see him again, it will only be to inform him of that fact.

The biggest thing I took from his non-example is self-accountability. Owning your problems. Not placing the burden on someone else's shoulders. Sure if you need help, ask. But I try to never let my problem become someone else's problem the way all his problems became problems for those around him.

I rambled again.

I don't think I even have a point to end on...

How about this?

Your father's actions may shape you. But they do not define you.

Yeah...that sounds about right...I think.

Your father's actions may shape you. But they do not define you.

A nugget of wisdom.

...There will be tough days fighting the urge to repeat the cycle, guess gotta keep trying.

ZK is right, we do care!

If you ever need to chat, you know where to find me. (FB)

Lots of good advice here.

You are already a better person than your parents.

You will be surprised to find out that you have a lot in common with many of us here.

We are just older

minneapolisFunq said:

My advice is: get counselling - the reason being that you need to have in place coping mechanisms to deal with the events that have shaped your life so far and the anger that you are displaying. You are very young and dealing with all this shit is may be a bit too much. Sometimes we need to talk to someone who can give us these tools - work things out for the better of ourselves and live a great life.

My friend you are only 21 and I am now 50 - take my word for it - life is what you make it but if you need help along the way go out and get it. People who are close to you will benefit also.

BTW - I do think that people on here care - I shall be thinking of you in my prayers today - and will come back later on to see how you are feeling. Friends are not people who fly by in the night - whether it is physical personal relationships or people that you meet on the Org as long as you feel you have a connection then they are friends.

blueblossom said:

My advice is: get counselling - the reason being that you need to have in place coping mechanisms to deal with the events that have shaped your life so far and the anger that you are displaying. You are very young and dealing with all this shit is may be a bit too much. Sometimes we need to talk to someone who can give us these tools - work things out for the better of ourselves and live a great life.

My friend you are only 21 and I am now 50 - take my word for it - life is what you make it but if you need help along the way go out and get it. People who are close to you will benefit also.

BTW - I do think that people on here care - I shall be thinking of you in my prayers today - and will come back later on to see how you are feeling. Friends are not people who fly by in the night - whether it is physical personal relationships or people that you meet on the Org as long as you feel you have a connection then they are friends.

Well said my friend.

minneapolisFunq said:

This is certified pussy shit right here.

Yes..... Mr Certified Wanker!!!!

[Edited 12/23/10 4:30am]

Shanti0608 said:

blueblossom said:

My advice is: get counselling - the reason being that you need to have in place coping mechanisms to deal with the events that have shaped your life so far and the anger that you are displaying. You are very young and dealing with all this shit is may be a bit too much. Sometimes we need to talk to someone who can give us these tools - work things out for the better of ourselves and live a great life.

My friend you are only 21 and I am now 50 - take my word for it - life is what you make it but if you need help along the way go out and get it. People who are close to you will benefit also.

BTW - I do think that people on here care - I shall be thinking of you in my prayers today - and will come back later on to see how you are feeling. Friends are not people who fly by in the night - whether it is physical personal relationships or people that you meet on the Org as long as you feel you have a connection then they are friends.

Well said my friend.

Thank you -

Welcome to the club of folk with really fucked up pasts. It is a very elite club.

johnart said:

Welcome to the club of folk with really fucked up pasts. It is a very elite club.

Cookies are provided each Tuesday.

Acrylic said:

johnart said:

Welcome to the club of folk with really fucked up pasts. It is a very elite club.

Cookies are provided each Tuesday.

Unless the cookie person has a meltdown that week (which is why we appoint 2 folk at all times).

johnart said:

Acrylic said:

Cookies are provided each Tuesday.

Unless the cookie person has a meltdown that week (which is why we appoint 2 folk at all times).

Where's Erin with the blender?

Acrylic said:

johnart said:

Unless the cookie person has a meltdown that week (which is why we appoint 2 folk at all times).

Where's Erin with the blender?

Which Erin? We have 3 and they're all fucked up. (insert johnart's asskicking here)

zaza said:

minneapolisFunq said:

This is certified pussy shit right here.

Yes, I'm the only one on the org who had problems in life. I'm sorry that I bothered you to read this pussy shit. I love you and wish you all the best in your life. And by saying I LOVE YOU I mean [Edited 12/23/10 3:00am]

Jan, we were ignoring him for a reason. He doesn't matter to us. If you see shit on the sidewalk, step over or around said shit. Stepping in it perpetuates the stench.

Hi ZaZa.

I read this post yesterday but didn't get a chance to reply. I'm not sure what your talking about with the 'bad behavior'. Honestly the only thing I remember of you is a pic you posted in photowhore thread of you n some chic getting outta the shower.

Anyways, I think you're wrong. A lot of people here DO care about others here. Theres a lot of compassion, and also good advice to be had on this board. Sometimes, it seems harsh, like people tend to tell you to suck it up and move on with your life, quite pitying yourself, and so one. But don't take it as cruelty. I myself come here to whine about my problems a lot, but the advice and harshness is not meant to be mean, its tough love. Only because a lot of people here have been through struggles themselves, and they themselves have learned that wallowing in self pity never got them anywhere.

I think it's healthy to use this as sort of a sounding board, as you have on this thread, and I appreciate you sharing your story. I think what some people are trying to say, is that there is a time to move on. It's great that you are aware of your misfortunes in life, and now that is something you can work to prevent in the upcoming future, and you can be aware of what makes you react a certain way in certain situations and turn it around for the better.

I'm sorry you've had a rough life.

Please don't hate your Mom. Mothers try to make what they feel is the best decision for their children. I doubt your Mother wanted to be without you, and I'm sure it causes her great pain. But it takes a VERY SELFLESS person to love someone SOOOOO much, that you decided to make the choice to 'give them up' in order for them to have a better life. I have no doubt that your mother loves you very much.

Number23 said:

Like squirrelgrease says, you deal the hand you're dealt. I'll tell you something else though. Watching someone else's toys in the attic spunking all over a public forum where - yes, no-one really cares - is a deeply uncomfortable read and can only result in pity and repulsion. That's obviously not your aim - your aim is to scream I EXIST and have others acknowledge your existance. The truth is, as you've stated, no-one here does care.Your screaming into a void, or worse, a mirror. I might, as a level-headed spectator of your tantrum, be able to muster up a sprinkle or flash of sympathy while reading your post, but after that I'm onto other things. Your perception of your angst isn't really interesting to me either. You seem very lonely and paranoid.However, if you rcognise where these issues stem from - which you obviously do - then you're in the driver's seat. No-one out here can help you become a better person because you don't need the underlying issues pointed out. You have to forgive, and that seems to be the problem. In forgiveness, that heroic suffocation of ego, is peace. [Edited 12/22/10 11:12am]

Heyyyyyyyyy I care!

I know you like architecture, so to cheer you up... here's a tall building. Architecture makes me thirsty for milk.

[img:$uid]http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h87/s_k_osu/bigtits.jpg[/img:$uid]

johnart said:

Acrylic said:

Where's Erin with the blender?

Which Erin? We have 3 and they're all fucked up. (insert johnart's asskicking here)

I'm the only Erin that will put your left ass cheek in the blender and make a delicious pate!

Zaza, I love ya. I know I called you a fucking baby, but I agree with others who've applauded you for being honest and trying to work through your shit. We've all gotta do it. I was working through a whole lot of fucked up shit when I was your age, and I needed that just like you do. It's easy to look back from the other side (older/wiser/just giving less of a fuck?) and make fun. As long as you don't stay stuck in one place, you'll be fine.

Shanti0608 said:

ZK is right, we do care!

If you ever need to chat, you know where to find me. (FB)

Lots of good advice here.

You are already a better person than your parents.

You will be surprised to find out that you have a lot in common with many of us here.

We are just older

Spot on.

Zaza

whistle said:

i know why you wrote this. people were giving you shit about something you wrote the other day.

fuck 'em. each and every one of them has moaned about their problems on the Org, too.

if you had big tits, everybody would care a lot more...

SO

TRUE!

I've got big tits....so, whatever to that notion.

@ zaz....sometimes life sucks huge moose dick and you have every right to say so!