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You don't really know me - you just think you do (my story) This morning, when my grandmother told me she would "rather fucking die as my grandfather", I couldn't took it anymore and I decided I've got to tell my story to somebody else. The place where nobody really cares - THE ORG. So please, don't mind my english, there will be some mistakes. I was "an accident". When I was born, my mother was 18 years and 14 days old. She had to marry my father because I was already on the way. They lived together for 3 years. He used to come home drunk, piss on her bed and he slapped her almost every night. My mother told me few years ago that he choked her in the front of me and that when she told him to not do that because I'm watching, he replied "I can have million other babies if I want to". Oh, and he nearly drowned me in the bath tub when I was 2 years old. After their divorce, mother moved to one older guy she's still living with and I moved to my grandparents. The first year there if I broke a glass, I immediately got into shock, because I knew my father would beat me as he did. The only difference is there was no father and my grandma was very nice. Do you think it's been better since then? Only slightly. I didn't have many friends in the kindergarten. Teachers were rude, they ignored me if I had to pee or poo, so I often peed myself and other kids were laughing at me. School - it was just the same. No friends, ignorant teachers. I was often bullied. Just add the fact that I had my first girlfriend when I was 17 - they all thought I was gay and they were sure to tell it to anyone. Did I like that girl? They told her lies. Really, children can be so cruel. And as children I noticed adults are cruel to children too. Did you draw not so perfect picture? "Oh, that's sooo nice  "At home it wasn't better. My grandfather suffered from manic depression and every week my grandma told me to pack all my favourite toys, we are leaving. After I packed her, she told me that we are going to stay. Every fucking week. I have never had any privacy. My room was always unlocked (I know the key exists, but no one knows where). When my two cousins were born, it was even worse. My guitar? Yes you can touch it, Jan won't mind, he's not here at the moment. My mother is more like my aunt to me, I see her only once a week for 5 minutes. My father? Haven't seen him more than once a year. It's been 6 years since I saw him. So therefor my true parents were my grandparents, they raised me up and only thanks to them I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. Only thanks to them I'm quite nice to other people. And only thanks to my mother that I've got to go through all of this. I HATE HER FOR THAT. Still, she took me to this fucking world and I've got to love her for that. The last experience I'm going to share with you is death of my grandpa. It was me who found him dead on the toilet. For me, he's not died - he just went away. Not for the rest of my family. Do you want to terrorise me? Just speak about his death before I go to exam. Or just say you would rather die just as he did. My girlfriend told me she noticed that all of this affected the way I'm, the way my mood changes and etc. Do you think I'm egoistic, whiny and attention peeking person? Yes, I'm because I never got any attention. Do you think I act like a fucking baby? It's true. We all are. | |
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And please, before some of you accuse of anything - this is not to make you feel sorry about me. I'm quite happy about the life right now. I just wanted to share it with you to help you see some reasons behind my personality. | |
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Man, we all got baggage and memories of the past that we would rather forget. Some of us have had what could be considered traumatic childhoods. We just gotta use the hand we were dealt and keep playing. I hope talking about it has helped you, because you're a hell of a cool guy and deserve some peace. If prince.org were to be made idiot proof, someone would just invent a better idiot. | |
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squirrelgrease said: Man, we all got baggage and memories of the past that we would rather forget. Some of us have had what could be considered traumatic childhoods. We just gotta use the hand we were dealt and keep playing. I hope talking about it has helped you, because you're a hell of a cool guy and deserve some peace. Yes, it has helped me a lot because I told about it only to my girlfriend..and to write you hate your own mother is much easier than to say it with your own mouth. I'm quite happy about my current situation, but I fear this ghost of past will be there forever. The only advantage I see is that I know what I don't want to be like all these people who ruined my childhood. I'd trade anything for having normal and happy childhood as my girl. I don't even have many photographs. I know I found somewhere photo album "Our child" that belonged to my parents and there are only six or seven pictures. I know that when I'll have my own child, I'd do anything to make it more enjoyable and I feel like it would be my own and real childhood. | |
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The past doesn't have to be repeated and it sounds like you have come to terms with that. I hope you can find some comfort in a few friendly strangers half a world away telling you that things like this happen everywhere and you're not alone. The past can not be changed - ever. It's the coping skills that get you through those dark spaces in your mind. Doing simple things you love, and surrounding yourself with positives is a must, in my opinion.
If prince.org were to be made idiot proof, someone would just invent a better idiot. | |
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Like squirrelgrease says, you deal the hand you're dealt. I'll tell you something else though. Watching someone else's toys in the attic spunking all over a public forum where - yes, no-one really cares - is a deeply uncomfortable read and can only result in pity and repulsion. That's obviously not your aim - your aim is to scream I EXIST and have others acknowledge your existance. The truth is, as you've stated, no-one here does care.Your screaming into a void, or worse, a mirror. I might, as a level-headed spectator of your tantrum, be able to muster up a sprinkle or flash of sympathy while reading your post, but after that I'm onto other things. Your perception of your angst isn't really interesting to me either. You seem very lonely and paranoid.However, if you rcognise where these issues stem from - which you obviously do - then you're in the driver's seat. No-one out here can help you become a better person because you don't need the underlying issues pointed out. You have to forgive, and that seems to be the problem. In forgiveness, that heroic suffocation of ego, is peace. [Edited 12/22/10 11:12am] | |
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That's true. But there are some things in my behaviour that can't be changed because they're already somehow part of who I am. I know I act like a jerk at times, I'd love to change that, but I still haven't found how. I'm self-disappreciating because there was no one in my childhood who would say "Well done!". I hate that and my girl hates that too. And thank you that you bothered to reply to this thread  | |
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Number23 said: Like squirrelgrease says, you deal the hand you're dealt. I'll tell you something else though. Watching someone else's toys in the attic spunking all over a public forum where - yes, no-one really cares - is a deeply uncomfortable read and can only result in pity and repulsion. That's obviously not your aim - your aim is to scream I EXIST and have others acknowledge your existance. The truth is, as you've stated, no-one here does care.Your screaming into a void, or worse, a mirror. I might, as a level-headed spectator of your tantrum, be able to muster up a sprinkle or flash of sympathy while reading your post, but after that I'm onto other things. Your perception of your angst isn't really interesting to me either. You seem very lonely and paranoid.However, if you rcognise where these issues stem from - which you obviously do - then you're in the driver's seat. No-one out here can help you become a better person because you don't need the underlying issues pointed out. You have to forgive, and that seems to be the problem. In forgiveness, that heroic suffocation of ego, is peace. [Edited 12/22/10 11:12am] I know. It just helps me to speak about it, with or without replies. I don't want you to go "aww, poor zaza", there are people who got far worse life than me. | |
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zaza, I was trying to find a way to say the same thing as 23 and sq.
We all have shit. All of us. God, this sounds so harsh by typing it, but you're not special because of the bum deals you were given. Move past that shit and focus on what you're going to do about it as of now in a POSITIVE direction.
I'm so sorry honey, because I like you....I do. But all I ever see are posts about you whining and shit. You need to become an adult and move on.
(two hugs to counteract two harsh statements) | |
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Of course you're going to act towards others in similar ways to which you were treated - it's a learned behavior. It takes fortitude and an extreme amount of insight to un-learn years of abuse. But it can be done. Spilling your guts to a professional counselor would definitely be a step in the right direction. If prince.org were to be made idiot proof, someone would just invent a better idiot. | |
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I'm not sure what to make of this. You write that you wanted to tell the story in a place where nobody cares--THE ORG. That kind of dismissive statement does not make me want to care.
And it seems like a lie, because I think you do want us to care. And in fact, people here DO care about each other. Some of them have married each other!
And to use this story to excuse some bad behavior of yours that I had not noticed in the first place...Eh, I don't know. If you're aware of your bad behavior, then try to change it. Don't use the past to justify it. Yeah it's hard to change, but the past is not an excuse to be bad.
I'm sorry for the trouble you have had, but look at this story. you said 'I don't want you to go "aww, poor zaza" ' but can I really believe that with such a sob story
Maybe "aww poor ZAZA" is what you really want but don't have the courage to simply ask for some sympathy & support in a straight forward way. I think plenty here would respond if you just came out and said "I'm sorry if I've been a jerk, I am hurting, I need your support" [Edited 12/22/10 11:42am] My Legacy
http://prince.org/msg/8/192731 | |
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Zaza I dont even know you but take this | |
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yes, I definitely moved on from much of my childhood issues once I forgave the person who caused most of them.
I realized that they were only human, and that since I am not perfect either, had I been in their situation I might have made some of the same mistakes as them.
I have not forgotten what they did and I still am working on stuff (and will for the rest of my life) but my load was lifted by understanding that they were weak, scared, flawed, damaged, stupid, insecure--just like the rest of us! My Legacy
http://prince.org/msg/8/192731 | |
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Well said With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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. It was the same for me. But that takes time and life esperiences and at Zaza's age I was not ready to do that yet.There is no reason to wish the past were any different than it was because nothing that can ever be done can change the fact that it happened the way it did. Accept it and move forward.
This isn't to say that you cannot look back and have compassion on the young Zaza who went through this sadness and these hard times, however to put any energy into wishing it were different won't change the fact of your experience.
I recently did a counseling session with 2 other students and each of us were recalling our life from the age of 12 to 20 and when we all told our own horror stories, I commented that it was any wonder there are 6 billion people on the planet and that people actually survive life
But you did, and you are open enough to share what is true for you. I appreciate that about you. I think you are one of the most upstanding people to ever be on this site, and I mean that 1 billion percent. Face the past with courage and an open heart. You deserve to live the future in the happiest way possible
. [Edited 12/22/10 12:19pm] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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I agree! With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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I agree with a lot of what you are saying, especially the bolded part. With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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When I was able to see my parents as human beings, and also looking at the big ass mistakes I've made in my own life, well that helped me to drop a lot of the charges I had built up in the Judgment chamber of my mind. 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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I don't know how old ZAZA is but yeah I was not able to just forgive when I was younger. It took years, and at some point it just happened. My Legacy
http://prince.org/msg/8/192731 | |
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With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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But like I said before, Zaza is still very young, I guess it is too early for him to see it like that already.
yes, exactly. I was about 28 (single, stoned, & free) and realized that at that same age my dad had 3 kids, a mortgage, a job he hated, and a wife he realized he had nothing in common with (not to mention even more serious family issues than I had that he had never addressed!)
Even though he made his own bed and he made serious mistakes when he made it, if I was in the same situation as him I'd be angry all the time, too. My Legacy
http://prince.org/msg/8/192731 | |
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I think he just turned 21, but I am not sure.
It was the same for me With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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yes at 21 I was just beginning the worst phase of letting childhood things affect me
The thing that still bothers me about the things I went through is that the person who did me wrong still does not understand what they did. So I went through all this crap of anger and fucked uped-ness and forgiveness, and they just lived their life without ever really knowing anything.
My Legacy
http://prince.org/msg/8/192731 | |
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I hear you! With a very special thank you to Tina: Is hammer already absolute, how much some people verändern...ICH hope is never so I will be! And if, then I hope that I would then have wen in my environment who joins me in the A.... | |
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This is certified pussy shit right here.
You're so glam, every time I see you I wanna slam! | |
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did you offend MF Zaza? 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Yes, your childhood was shitty,
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/wa...XsmyLtpxlA[/youtube]
Baby, lifes what you make it, dont back date it, baby, Dont try to shade it" "Lifes what you make it, celebrate it, anticipate it... Nothing can change it, lifes what you make it!"
Use your experiences to try and change the world, remember these experiences when you have children of your own!
~~~~~ Oh that voice...incredible....there should be a musical instrument called George Michael... ~~~~~ | |
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your school hopefully offers counseling..if not, perhaps you can find a public health counselor. there are alot of issues there..feelings of abandoment, child abuse, low self esteem, amongst others. still in all, here you are. you're a survivor. talk to a counselor zaza, not because you're crazy, but because you just don't have all the tools that you need, in order to deal with your past. deal with the past, you can handle the future. | |
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i know why you wrote this. people were giving you shit about something you wrote the other day.
fuck 'em. each and every one of them has moaned about their problems on the Org, too.
if you had big tits, everybody would care a lot more... everyone's a fruit & nut case | |
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