Graycap23 said:

He wants something..................

so he's going through his list and righting his wrongs?

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS...

* Over what sort of thing was this fallout? Was it serious? (If that's too personal a question, I understand.)

* Why do you think he's being disengenuous about reconciling? Is it merely because his approach was flaky? You already know dude isn't strong, or he'd have owned his crap 17 years ago, right?

* It may not serve some great purpose to you to reconcile, but what purpose does it serve not to?

I've had folk attempt this with me -- relatives, erstwhile friends, etc. Of course I default to the GTFOOH attitude, too, but unless they actually present some harm or are asking for things I'm not interested in furnishing them, I can rarely think of a real reason not to let them have their "epiphany" and come clean at their pace. Even if the benefit of the reconciliation is 100% his in your case what's wrong with that... especially if it's not actually costing you anything?

[Edited 11/8/10 17:57pm]

In a nutshell, I've worked very hard since I was 18 years old to cull all unproductive, negative, and unhealthy relationships from my life. I've been very consistent and successful doing so. As a result, I live a very peaceful existence with a great circle of friends and most of my family at arm's length.

I don't believe in fakin' and shakin' cuz that's what's expected when you deal with family. At least in my family. Shit went down, yet nobody wants to talk about it and resolve it they just wanna put on a happy face and pass the gravy. Sorry, but I ain't doing it. And that does not mean I'm holding a grudge it means I simply don't want to be bothered. I keeps it 100 and don't believe in wasting time and energy dealing with people who are still mired in drama.

I was 20 years old the last time I spoke to him. I will be 38 in December. He knows NOTHING about me nor I him. I'm good where I am without dealing with an awkward situation that he could have addressed way before now. If I do a cost benefit analysis of the situation I don't see an upside in going there after all this time. It's too much like work that I didn't agree to do.

paintedlady said:

DesireeNevermind said:

eh....tell him you wish him all the best and any time he wants to talk that's cool but you don't have any money to loan him and you need both your kidneys.

forgiving is not forgetting.

What she's saying... cus, she's saying what I'm feeling 'bout stuff and thangs...

and you do not want to have dinner at his crib anytime soon.... you wouldn't want to wake up in a tub of ice in Mexico... just saying.

Question: Why do people tolerate bad behavior from family that they would never in a million years accept from a friend? Is shared DNA that important a factor to excuse someone doing you dirty?

pssst... hey SCNDLS... wanna buy a bridge??

RenHoek said:

pssst... hey SCNDLS... wanna buy a bridge??

SCNDLS said:

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS...

* Over what sort of thing was this fallout? Was it serious? (If that's too personal a question, I understand.)

* Why do you think he's being disengenuous about reconciling? Is it merely because his approach was flaky? You already know dude isn't strong, or he'd have owned his crap 17 years ago, right?

* It may not serve some great purpose to you to reconcile, but what purpose does it serve not to?

I've had folk attempt this with me -- relatives, erstwhile friends, etc. Of course I default to the GTFOOH attitude, too, but unless they actually present some harm or are asking for things I'm not interested in furnishing them, I can rarely think of a real reason not to let them have their "epiphany" and come clean at their pace. Even if the benefit of the reconciliation is 100% his in your case what's wrong with that... especially if it's not actually costing you anything?

[Edited 11/8/10 17:57pm]

In a nutshell, I've worked very hard since I was 18 years old to cull all unproductive, negative, and unhealthy relationships from my life. I've been very consistent and successful doing so. As a result, I live a very peaceful existence with a great circle of friends and most of my family at arm's length.

I don't believe in fakin' and shakin' cuz that's what's expected when you deal with family. At least in my family. Shit went down, yet nobody wants to talk about it and resolve it they just wanna put on a happy face and pass the gravy. Sorry, but I ain't doing it. And that does not mean I'm holding a grudge it means I simply don't want to be bothered. I keeps it 100 and don't believe in wasting time and energy dealing with people who are still mired in drama.

I was 20 years old the last time I spoke to him. I will be 38 in December. He knows NOTHING about me nor I him. I'm good where I am without dealing with an awkward situation that he could have addressed way before now. If I do a cost benefit analysis of the situation I don't see an upside in going there after all this time. It's too much like work that I didn't agree to do.

So it sounds like two things...

1) Whatever happened was big enough that it took active work to overcome and you're in a good place right now; and

2) This person's mere presence back in your life would be a liability to that achievement.

OK.

One (actually two )more question, then: Years from now, having parted ways and never reconciled, do you see yourself as possibly regretting it? And what about if you had reconciled?

[Edited 11/8/10 21:37pm]

SCNDLS said:

Question: Why do people tolerate bad behavior from family that they would never in a million years accept from a friend? Is shared DNA that important a factor to excuse someone doing you dirty?

I've actually argued with my wife over this very point. I don't think there's anything intrinsically magical about blood ties, and I consider myself family (or friends) with people far more along matters of shared spirit than, say, genetics or mere common history.

That said, when someone screws me over -- whether they are someone I consider family or someone I wouldn't care to piss on if they were on fire -- while I don't believe in putting myself in a place to be violated again or having to "act nice" around them, I think there's something to be said about affording them the space to take up humility, confess or apologize to me, maybe pursue some redemption or peace of mind in their own headspace. (...Or not. ) It might not benefit me in any measurable way, but I'm not the center of the world. And I've very rarely found that it cost me anything.

[Edited 11/8/10 21:43pm]

SCNDLS said:

Graycap23 said:

He wants something..................

Prolly! You know how this mofo opens the convo???

His ass: Hi, ummmm, do you have any dealings in real estate in Dallas? (He lives in NJ)

Me: Uhhh, yeah. (While thinking, how the hell you get my number???)

His ass: Well, uhhhh, how about, in commercial real estate?

Me: No, I just deal with residential. (While thinking, really, is this how you wanna do this???)

Then when I crack open the crust of the situation he wanna back off. Absolutely, THE weirdest conversation ever.

@ his alias being "his ass"

My grandma was embarassed by the fact that my mom had my sister at the age of 15. In 1968 that shit was waaay more frowned upon than it is now. They bickered back and forth about everything after that, until finally having a falling out in 1978.

They only spoke three times after that: Thanksgiving 1984, once in the summer of 85 and once in the summer of 86 (both summers my grandma begged for me to visit and my dad made my mom let me go).

I was kind of placed in the middle in the early 90s as my grandma was rich and offered to pay for me to go to college (she was on the alumni board at Berkeley...all I had to do was apply). I decided against it because of their feud...my mom let me know that if I accepted her offer, I would not be allowed to go home to my mom and dad for the holidays, etc. I would be required to be my "grandma's bitch" as my mom put it and I said "FUCK NO!!"

My grandma died alone in January 1997. My mom was devastated and still has not forgiven herself for the lost time. She tries to keep the front up that she didnt give a damn, but it's painfully obvious that she regrets what happened.

Believe me, I know how fucked up family can be...last time I talked to my sister was Jan 97 (at my grandma's funeral that my mom did not attend). Last time I talked to bro #1 was Oct 95, bro #2 Thanksgiving 96. I have my reasons and question myself often...my wife is constantly on me to touch base with them since they have all found her on myspace/facebook (the exact reason I dont have a myspace or facebook page).

I know I'm contradicitng myself but what I'm trying to say is that if there is an ounce of love remaining inside of us for any of these family members or whoever that have done us wrong over the years, we owe it to them and ourselves to at least try and make peace.

And no...I have not reached out to my sibliings, but one day I will. I just hope its not too late.

Life is too fucking short.

[Edited 11/8/10 23:37pm]

oops...double post

[Edited 11/8/10 23:38pm]

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS said:

In a nutshell, I've worked very hard since I was 18 years old to cull all unproductive, negative, and unhealthy relationships from my life. I've been very consistent and successful doing so. As a result, I live a very peaceful existence with a great circle of friends and most of my family at arm's length.

I don't believe in fakin' and shakin' cuz that's what's expected when you deal with family. At least in my family. Shit went down, yet nobody wants to talk about it and resolve it they just wanna put on a happy face and pass the gravy. Sorry, but I ain't doing it. And that does not mean I'm holding a grudge it means I simply don't want to be bothered. I keeps it 100 and don't believe in wasting time and energy dealing with people who are still mired in drama.

I was 20 years old the last time I spoke to him. I will be 38 in December. He knows NOTHING about me nor I him. I'm good where I am without dealing with an awkward situation that he could have addressed way before now. If I do a cost benefit analysis of the situation I don't see an upside in going there after all this time. It's too much like work that I didn't agree to do.

So it sounds like two things...

1) Whatever happened was big enough that it took active work to overcome and you're in a good place right now; and

2) This person's mere presence back in your life would be a liability to that achievement.

OK.

One (actually two )more question, then: Years from now, having parted ways and never reconciled, do you see yourself as possibly regretting it? And what about if you had reconciled?

[Edited 11/8/10 21:37pm]

Absolutely no regrets. And I anticipate turbulence along the way if there is a reconciliation. Really, who needs it?

BklynBabe said:

Gurl! Calling myself "hepin fambly" right now, they up in my house eating my food, running up my electricity, louder than a muthafucka at ungodly hours, with no job....trust me, best to stay far away. I can't stand trying to help people who want to say they grown, yet won't help themselves, or help you. You in danger, gurl! Run!

See?!

StonedImmaculate said:

My grandma was embarassed by the fact that my mom had my sister at the age of 15. In 1968 that shit was waaay more frowned upon than it is now. They bickered back and forth about everything after that, until finally having a falling out in 1978.

They only spoke three times after that: Thanksgiving 1984, once in the summer of 85 and once in the summer of 86 (both summers my grandma begged for me to visit and my dad made my mom let me go).

I was kind of placed in the middle in the early 90s as my grandma was rich and offered to pay for me to go to college (she was on the alumni board at Berkeley...all I had to do was apply). I decided against it because of their feud...my mom let me know that if I accepted her offer, I would not be allowed to go home to my mom and dad for the holidays, etc. I would be required to be my "grandma's bitch" as my mom put it and I said "FUCK NO!!"

My grandma died alone in January 1997. My mom was devastated and still has not forgiven herself for the lost time. She tries to keep the front up that she didnt give a damn, but it's painfully obvious that she regrets what happened.

Believe me, I know how fucked up family can be...last time I talked to my sister was Jan 97 (at my grandma's funeral that my mom did not attend). Last time I talked to bro #1 was Oct 95, bro #2 Thanksgiving 96. I have my reasons and question myself often...my wife is constantly on me to touch base with them since they have all found her on myspace/facebook (the exact reason I dont have a myspace or facebook page).

I know I'm contradicitng myself but what I'm trying to say is that if there is an ounce of love remaining inside of us for any of these family members or whoever that have done us wrong over the years, we owe it to them and ourselves to at least try and make peace.

And no...I have not reached out to my sibliings, but one day I will. I just hope its not too late.

Life is too fucking short.

[Edited 11/8/10 23:37pm]

I hear ya. Thanks for sharing. And that's precisely why I'm not on FB. I have no desire to be found by nobody.

But honestly, I think the ability to truly move on without reconciling with a family member is tied to your personality. I mean, I understand that some people just don't have it in them to walk away from family or people they love no matter what's transpired. It's never been a problem for me.

After dealing with various issues with my mother, I've since been a "one strike and you're out" kinda gal. I don't go around hurting people I love and don't tolerate it in others. I didn't have a choice where my mom was concerned since I lived in her house. After I left, I vowed that I would never allow someone to mistreat me regardless of who it is. Once you show me that you wanna do me dirty, I heed the signs and bounce. No looking back, no regrets. But, hey, that's just me and I understand everybody is different and people's tolerance for BS is different.

bboy87 said:

SCNDLS said:

Prolly! You know how this mofo opens the convo???

His ass: Hi, ummmm, do you have any dealings in real estate in Dallas? (He lives in NJ)

Me: Uhhh, yeah. (While thinking, how the hell you get my number???)

His ass: Well, uhhhh, how about, in commercial real estate?

Me: No, I just deal with residential. (While thinking, really, is this how you wanna do this???)

Then when I crack open the crust of the situation he wanna back off. Absolutely, THE weirdest conversation ever.

@ his alias being "his ass"

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS said:

Question: Why do people tolerate bad behavior from family that they would never in a million years accept from a friend? Is shared DNA that important a factor to excuse someone doing you dirty?

I've actually argued with my wife over this very point. I don't think there's anything intrinsically magical about blood ties, and I consider myself family (or friends) with people far more along matters of shared spirit than, say, genetics or mere common history.

That said, when someone screws me over -- whether they are someone I consider family or someone I wouldn't care to piss on if they were on fire -- while I don't believe in putting myself in a place to be violated again or having to "act nice" around them, I think there's something to be said about affording them the space to take up humility, confess or apologize to me, maybe pursue some redemption or peace of mind in their own headspace. (...Or not. ) It might not benefit me in any measurable way, but I'm not the center of the world. And I've very rarely found that it cost me anything.

[Edited 11/8/10 21:43pm]

That's really generous of you. I guess my feeling is if I can get over it you can too. I'm the center of MY universe and I don't hold anyone responsible for my own healing or happiness. Conversely I don't feel obligated to ensure someone else's especially when I didn't do them harm.

As we say in the South: Get over it, or die wit it.

[Edited 11/9/10 6:07am]

BklynBabe said:

Well my brother got drunk and threatened me with a weapon so any epiphany he ever decides to have he can keep. I'm at peace with the thought of him not in my life. Some folk you just need to have distance from, even family.

SCNDLS said:

As we say in the South: Get over it, or die wit it.

dats how we really speel it

in da south two

orger said:

SCNDLS said:

As we say in the South: Get over it, or die wit it.

dats how we really speel it

in da south two

And it's "Souf"

SCNDLS said:

orger said:

dats how we really speel it

in da south two

And it's "Souf"

or soutt, regionally

orger said:

SCNDLS said:

And it's "Souf"

or soutt, regionally

or as I like to call it

down yonder

orger said:

orger said:

or soutt, regionally

or as I like to call it

down yonder

Or 'round these herre parts

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS...

* Over what sort of thing was this fallout? Was it serious? (If that's too personal a question, I understand.)

* Why do you think he's being disengenuous about reconciling? Is it merely because his approach was flaky? You already know dude isn't strong, or he'd have owned his crap 17 years ago, right?

* It may not serve some great purpose to you to reconcile, but what purpose does it serve not to?

I've had folk attempt this with me -- relatives, erstwhile friends, etc. Of course I default to the GTFOOH attitude, too, but unless they actually present some harm or are asking for things I'm not interested in furnishing them, I can rarely think of a real reason not to let them have their "epiphany" and come clean at their pace. Even if the benefit of the reconciliation is 100% his in your case what's wrong with that... especially if it's not actually costing you anything?

[Edited 11/8/10 17:57pm]

There is ALWAYS a cost when dealing with knuckleheads.

There's a branch of our family that I've never had much to do with. Haven't spoken with any of them in at least a decade if not closer to two. When my mom passed away here they come trying to reach out and talking about how we need them.

Don't you know one of those motherfucks already tried to hit me and my dad up for money!!

Shoewhore said:

There's a branch of our family that I've never had much to do with. Haven't spoken with any of them in at least a decade if not closer to two. When my mom passed away here they come trying to reach out and talking about how we need them.

Don't you know one of those motherfucks already tried to hit me and my dad up for money!!

SCNDLS said:

Lammastide said:

I've actually argued with my wife over this very point. I don't think there's anything intrinsically magical about blood ties, and I consider myself family (or friends) with people far more along matters of shared spirit than, say, genetics or mere common history.

That said, when someone screws me over -- whether they are someone I consider family or someone I wouldn't care to piss on if they were on fire -- while I don't believe in putting myself in a place to be violated again or having to "act nice" around them, I think there's something to be said about affording them the space to take up humility, confess or apologize to me, maybe pursue some redemption or peace of mind in their own headspace. (...Or not. ) It might not benefit me in any measurable way, but I'm not the center of the world. And I've very rarely found that it cost me anything.

[Edited 11/8/10 21:43pm]

That's really generous of you. I guess my feeling is if I can get over it you can too. I'm the center of MY universe and I don't hold anyone responsible for my own healing or happiness. Conversely I don't feel obligated to ensure someone else's especially when I didn't do them harm.

As we say in the South: Get over it, or die wit it.

'Nuff respect.

Lammastide said:

SCNDLS said:

That's really generous of you. I guess my feeling is if I can get over it you can too. I'm the center of MY universe and I don't hold anyone responsible for my own healing or happiness. Conversely I don't feel obligated to ensure someone else's especially when I didn't do them harm.

As we say in the South: Get over it, or die wit it.

'Nuff respect.

Technically, I don't know if everyone in the South says this, but it sounds better attributing to the whole region.