Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Genesia said:


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

These ones are pretty funny and clever.

Some of them are a bit too artficially set up to really hit home though. I mean come on, a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison? They're really trying hard to make that one work.

And the one about the Seine only works if you mispronounce it (i.e. use an American accent).

I like puns in general though. So nerdy but amusing too.

Genesia said:

Puns for Educated Minds

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


They're all good, but these two in particular made me giggle.

PositivityNYC said:

I was hoping you'd stop by.

I was going to try and list my favorites, but I ended up only removing four or five. Good stuff. I've got to say, though, that "No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery" made my eyes water.


Cerebus said:

I was going to try and list my favorites, but I ended up only removing four or five. Good stuff. I've got to say, though, that "No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery" made my eyes water.


That one got me, too - not least because it made me think of Prince saying he didn't need to push the envelope anymore, because he'd already pushed it off the table.

In my head, I added, "But it's still stationery."

Genesia said:

PositivityNYC said:

I was hoping you'd stop by.

over 6 yrs and I still haven't learned my lesson with y'all

-- I took a sip as I started to read.. damn near choked to death on a Vitamin Water laughing at the first one