.

An elderly woman went to a lawyer to make out a will. After she was done she handed the attorney a $100 bill. After she had left the attorney discovered that stuck to the first bill was another $100 bill. This raised a difficult moral and ethical question for the lawyer: Should he or should he not tell his partner?

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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several periods of time later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

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Two lawyers are sitting at a table in a restaurant and they see a very attractive woman walk by. The first lawyer turns to the second and says, " Boy, would I like to screw her!"
The other lawyer pauses for a second, and responds, "Oh yeah? Out of what?"

----

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

----

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

----

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

----

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

----

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.

----

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered claiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same
room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
entered...

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"God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

----

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

----

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

----

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.

Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...:

A4:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The mentioned
removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."


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[This message was edited Mon Jan 27 7:29:17 PST 2003 by Abrazo]

yeah... I agree ... lawyer jokes suck...

ohh well...sue me...

i hope you copied and paste those, rather than typing all that crap.

Marrk said:

Crap? Are you a lawyer???

Ohh ...Nooo
>
> > Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small
> > > one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how
> > > you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we
> > > were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
> > >
> > > "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
> > >
> > > "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
> > >
> > > "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
> > >
> > > "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
> > >
> > > "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?"
> > >
> > > "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock
> > > the door.
> > > Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and
> > > eat 'em!"
> > >
> > > "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
> > > See, by
> > > the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer,
> > > there's nothing left
> > > but lips and a briefcase..."